I had a friend
who asked me last week “What is happiness?” Interesting question. I remember
there was a doctor I worked with last year and each time I would ask a question
he would come back to the basic definition first. I thought this was a brilliant
way to discuss things, because in order to discuss more complicated topics you
have to bring it back to the definition. So let me answer: happiness is an
emotion. We all know what it feels like because we’ve all experienced it.
Unfortunately the media tends to put us on an endless hunt to happiness, with
millions of articles, millions of suggestions, ways to find this elusive,
limited-supply happiness that we are all hungry for. But it’s not limited, its
in endless supply because its inside you, it’s a feeling, and I’m going to talk
about some of the beliefs that we have about this feeling.
“I don’t
deserve happiness.”
“I need
something be happy.”
It could be
money, it could be other things. I think most people have explored this topic
growing up, but I thought I’d mention it anyways. Money does help us- being in
poverty puts us in a lot of situations that will create feelings of
unhappiness, but as we all know money can only bring us so much. Plus, people
can be happy despite not having money because happiness is a feeling.
“I am
responsible for you being/not being happy.”
I’ll admit I have
a really hard time with this one, but somewhere inside I know it’s not true
that we are responsible for other people’s feelings. I do believe we are
responsible for treating others with love, respect, compassion and kindness,
and if we do not treat them in that way, then we are hurting other people and
its up to us to do something about that. The article “Feelings and
Responsibility” by Marina Michaels (2) describes it better than I could, so I’m
going to quote here: “…we don’t have control over how another person thinks or
over their emotions…If I choose to yell, it is indeed a choice. I know I have
another choice. I know I am not doing the best I can. I know that I am
responsible for the yelling. And if my friend bursts into tears, then I am
equally responsible, not for the tears, but for making amends for my poor
choice of action” (2). Taking responsibility for your own words and actions is
the key here.
“I simply
choose to be happy or not.”
Wow alright! This
one is put out there all the time, and its really hurtful to a lot of people
even though its meant to be motivational most of the time. But basically it’s
the idea that you need to be opitimistic, see the positives, and if you aren’t
happy you just aren’t trying hard enough.
Firstly, situations,
words, actions, do affect our feelings, and happiness is a feeling. I think we
ultimately can get to a state of being where we are no longer affected or are
affected less by situations, however. There were many Sikhs before us that were
able to achieve this state and make great sacrifices, by not being constantly
dependent on situations. Their state of peace and contentment was based on their
constant connection to God. I think for those of us who aren’t there yet though
its dangerous for us to just pretend like situations don’t affect us if they
do. Say someone says something really hurtful. I could just pretend that I’m
unaffected, but be feeling a lot of pain inside and that pain stays there until
I deal with it. That’s different than not feeling the pain at all, being in a
constant peace and contentment. In my opinion it’s better to work through and
experience your emotions, and then move your way towards happiness, than to
suppress your negative emotions and continue to live in a constant state of
internal anger or sadness.
Second,
I read this really great article “I’m Sorry But You Can’t Just ‘Choose
Happiness’ All the Time” by Jamie Varon (3), that explains why it isn’t just a
choice to be happy and why telling people that just hurts them: “Many people are imbued with fear, toxic
beliefs, past pain, and, while I believe there is a moment that you must choose
to make your life better, you can’t just wake up every day and choose to
be happy. You will be ignoring the fundamental growth that is necessary for a
true happy existence” (3). Jamie Varon reminds us that rather than focusing on
our emotions, we should work on our beliefs instead: “The choice is in choosing
to change the BELIEF, not outright choosing the EMOTION. This is a seemingly
small distinction, but an important one. Every day, you can choose to know
yourself better and to untangle beliefs that are preventing you from peace,
joy, happiness, and pure love… You cannot be expected to wake up every day and
eschew away your very real beliefs, your very real emotional responses to those
beliefs, and your very real resistances to examining those emotional responses
to those beliefs and just… BE HAPPY. It’s delusional. It takes too much denial,
the kind of denial that will surface one day in the future and wreck your life
in a way that is not worth it for a fake sense of happiness” (3).
So now that we
have explored some beliefs around happiness I think I’ll summarize. Happiness
is a feeling and therefore: we all deserve it, we aren’t responsible for other
people’s happiness, and its better to focus on your belief systems than just
choosing the emotion of happiness and denying your problems. I’ve definitely learned
a lot simply exploring my belief systems about happiness itself, so I think
it’s a useful thing to do. Good luck!
References:
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