Friday, November 11, 2016

When Life is Crumbling Apart

When I used to have stressors and difficulties in my life, it felt like I was swimming in an ocean and barely staying afloat. It was the feeling of being overwhelmed and unable to look past the goal of survival. Now life feels more like balancing a seesaw. The more stress that gets loaded on, the harder it is to balance. I think it’s different now because I can see beyond the stress. I used to believe that one day life would get easy- I would get a break and things would go smoothly. This is also constantly fed by other people telling me to just “hang in there” until my schooling is over. Supposedly after my schooling is over the challenges will just disappear. I have realized that this is never going to end- the outside challenges changes shape and form but it will never go away. It can evolve from writing exams into other things like staying up late to take care of my children, but its never going to disappear. Accepting that fact helped to refocus so that I'm not waiting for my life to get easier, but rather focusing on my response. Instead of waiting for external situations to change, I am figuring out how to stay in Chardi Kala no matter what.

Life has been getting cumulatively more difficult these last two weeks. All the emergencies and challenges and even the little things have kind of just added up into one big tangled mess. There are very few moments in my life I have faced as much as I am right now, and yet I’m okay. I am functioning to my very best to serve in the ways that God has given me the opportunity to in each day. I can see that God is with me no matter what and that I will undoubtedly make it through today like I have every other day and every other challenge. There is no longer a question of survival when you have faith. There are still tears and moments when I have to remember to just breathe. In those times I feel like again I'm alone in the ocean, and it feels scary. But at least I know that I am building the skills so that these moments reduce, and its working. I have a more realistic goal of focusing on inner peace rather than situations outside my control. I got the chance to do kirtan the last three days at the Gurdwara- the days when I needed it the most, and it just reminded me of how much God provides for us when we need it. Waheguru is there for us day and night and we just need to be able to wake up the mind to see Him. 

Lastly, I saw this half hour (english) documentary about Simran that I thought I would share. It's a really touching video, especially when he talks about how the sagan in the Anand Karaj is usually money, but that a real sagan is for a Gursikh to ask God to give you a little bit of their Naam.

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