Expectations, Dukh Sukh

Some posters I made for my room
(yes my room is bright green)

Some days I spend battling within my own mind, one side saying that I need things to be my way, the other side battling that “I” don’t exist anyways and to accept “it is what it is.” I wanted to write this post just to remind us that we don’t always have things sorted. We don’t always have learnings that we can immediately incorporate into our lives, or be at peace with right away. Usually for myself I find it can take at minimum a week or two just to get out of that stage of discomfort that comes with something that challenges my existing way of living or thinking. Say you listen to something in katha, then you consider it, incorporate it into your life, and then finally sort of come to peace with it and live it. We cannot expect ourselves to change overnight. We have trained our brains to think a certain way our whole lives up until now, and that is shaped by environment, culture, and upbringing.  

Recently I saw an excellent katha Pauri 2 of Japji Sahib in English by Nanak Naam. On the board, Bhai Sahib writes “expectation minus reality = dukh/sukh (happiness and sadness)”. He explains that it is our own expectations that creates us a lot of pain because the more the reality deviates from our expectations, the more pain we have. In the end expectations are simply a thought that we hold onto. He uses some great analogies of someone showing up to a meeting late to explain this concept. The Guru Ji’s taught us instead to be content and neutral because God is the doer of all.  

Working through this katha, it has taken some days to wrap my mind it. The first was the awareness of the number of expectations that I have and how they are leading to dukh and sukh. Sometimes it can actually even take years to understand something new we learn from Gurbani or katha. Then it is a matter of incorporating that Gurbani into our daily lives, and that is an ongoing process. One example of this is that of miscommunication. This is a common Punjabi movie theme- longstanding family friends fight and hold a life-long grudge, becoming enemies. By the end of the movie they work it out and become friends again after years of lost friendship (mixed in with some dancing and a love story). In real life misunderstandings are very common: something wasn’t clarified, assumptions were made, we guess at others’ intentions and thoughts, etc. Yet when we incorporate this understanding of the above, we realize that this was not an issue of the other person. My own expectations are the ones causing me problems. When we get hurt, we get angry, then the rigidness of our egos is activated, and we are no longer open to engage in conversation to clarify the situation. We choose to anchor on “my” thoughts, assumption, and version of reality, and create a duality. We say this is about right and wrong. Yet when we understand the katha we realize from paath that God is One, and there is no duality. It is our own expectations causing a thorn in our side. That provides an entirely different understanding to these mix-ups, and practically on how to get through these types of problems in our daily life. Gurbani was meant to be useful to us on a day to day basis. When applied to my situation, I found it very helpful even just to start letting go of a fraction of my expectations. If it happens, fine, if it doesn't happen, also fine. 

It is important to just keep persisting and reminding ourselves daily as we read paath and do simran, that we are practicing actively. As we walk, take a shower, drive to work, that we practice. As we work we practice. New ways of thinking and incorporating Gurbani into our lives happens with practice. I highly recommend watching above English katha (and the entire Japji sahib series starting with the Mool Mantar) at: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aSiPgxJOz00

Here is a great set of daily affirmations in English:

·      This is You (Ik, One). I don’t exist. There is just One. This prayer is to the One already inside, who already knows all. The purpose of this life is the mind needs to merge into the realization of God. 

·      This body could die today. Nothing is mine. I have no promise of another breath. Destroy all expectations. Expectations – reality = dukh/sukh. 

·      Choose thoughts carefully each moment. Sing Gurbani with love and intention. 

·      God programs us to be the way we are. What we can control, we should change, what we cannot control should be accepted. We are doing what we know how to do.

·      There is no overall change, God is doing to God. There is no duality of good and bad. 

·      Be content that it is what it is. if it happens, fine, if it doesn’t happen, fine. I have no expectations. Remain neutral to the ups and downs of life.