Hamster Wheel

I’ve been running on the hamster wheel for four weeks without a break. Around and around, I seem to get no breaks. Most times this happens, it is my body that reminds me that it isn’t acceptable, “either you slow down or I will slow you down” it tells me. Forcibly, it has pushed the breaks on me many times. I would get angry “why can’t this body just work the way I want it to?” Yet the answer was always obvious that I was ignoring that the state of my body and mind are completely interconnected and when the mind runs on the wheel, it ignores the signs of the body. I seem to ignore and bulldoze my way through life, imagining that ignoring the pain would solve it. Ignoring the fears and anxious mind, would solve it. As the days go by I would wonder why the activities of wellness no longer work. Increasingly tired, I give up on wellness and start to give, give, give just so I can get away from the overwhelmingness of what my body and mind is experiencing in the avalanche of personal circumstances. There’s one thing I found in my life- when it rains, it pours and pours. Yet it is not the circumstances that are to blame, it is the workaholic. Despite the fact that it is supported by work culture and society, it is a marked difference in the state of me humming and skipping around work, to looking like I am only half alive. 

One of my most kind-hearted colleagues and a great mentor to me had a conversation with me recently. He said our bodies are constantly renewing themselves, each cell- we know this through medical science. Why does it always have to renew itself in a bad way? It can renew itself in a good way and we can rejuvenate ourselves to a healthy state. Despite the fact that he wasn’t religious, we talked about common themes of contentment, faith, peace in life leading to that healing and renewal. The point not being to remove challenges, but to find contentment in them on a daily basis. 

When I get in this state of running and running I can recognize it earlier now. I remind myself it is time to start saying no, to allow time for connection to God through connection to myself and others. When I struggle the most with concentration on Gurbani, I need it the most. It is what is needed to “zoom out” and be able to see the big picture of what doesn’t even matter. It is time for reflection, listening to kathas, upbeat shabads, warm blankets and even colored nail polishes. Gurbani reminds us that we cannot live for tomorrow, for next week, for one more moment to feel normal. I can’t wait for a breath I don’t know if I will have because I am not guaranteed 100 years in this world. If things don’t happen the way we expected, we have to zoom out and realize it is all God. There is just You. Our minds have to stop being disillusioned because Maya wants you to run that hamster wheel forever. It wastes our breaths away, each breath we so preciously saved over 8.4 million lifeforms that we travelled through. Life is not lived in tomorrow and yesterday, it is now. Waheguru.