"I"

The first lesson we learned in life was I. Who am I? Answer it in as many ways as possible. 

I’m a Sikh, which means that I learn constantly. I’m a woman. I’m in my 20s. I’m a resident doctor, the chief resident to be precise. I’m at the top of my class. I am accomplished and my walls are filled with awards. I don’t party, or drink, or use any substances and I don’t even drink coffee. I’m an advocate for those without a voice. I’m enthusiastic and energetic which is why I usually have multiple projects on the go. I’m a singer, I’m an artist, a musician. I crochet, I paint, I draw, I write. I have worked hard to maintain my language and culture in a setting where it is dying. I co-founded a non-profit at the age of 16 to help Sikh youth. At work I’ve changed the face of resident support and wellness. I’m family-oriented and community-oriented, rather than individual oriented. I’m compassionate and think about others before myself which has often been a detriment to my health. 

We answer this question the same all around. I am this many years old, I am these relationships, I am these features and characteristics, I am my job. Now I ask you to break that. Smash it up to pieces. Take away every piece and definition of yourself. What if the answer was "there is no I"? "I" is an illusion. Most of these things are definitions of this body and the life this body lives- this body has defined physical features but also demographic features like age, sex, and what family it was born into. We didn't control those anyways so really these are not something we should build our ego off of. These will all disappear when we die. Then we have the I “like” and “I dislike” features. These are so loosely attached to us anyways, they may change over a lifetime. Next we use our rehat- “I don’t party, I don’t drink, I dress modestly” to separate ourselves as well. Lastly, the hardest to remove are the features that we think we have created. “I did this,” “I am such a good person.” The features of the differences we make to the community, the things we think we have accomplished. These two are intertwined because we use them to say I am great because, and ultimately I am better than you because, I’m doing these things and you aren’t. Nanak Naam talks about this a lot in their youtube videos and explains this quite eloquently. 

It is hard to remove ego. Really it grasps hold of us and we are taught that this is ours since the time we are born. We are told this defines you and that is reinforced daily. The entrenchment into our forms here in this earth prevents our minds from escaping maya.  It prevents the mind from realizing that ultimately it is Waheguru, through which all these actions are performed. Waheguru made those things happen, not people. We do not own these actions or accomplishments. The entrenchment prevents our mind from the realization of God, in seeing God everywhere in everyone, in every moment. Waheguru trained us in the womb, we only made it to this life by passing the tests of being able to overcome maya and find God’s voice, Gurbani tells us this. So why is it so hard now? It is hard because we get attached to our identities so solidly, we grasp them tightly until we die, and we leave the same as we left, without any progress. Life was not meant to be lived in these daily entanglements but it is almost impossible to see this from a different view and zoom out to see the larger grander scale of God’s creation, if we don’t daily remind ourselves. Gurbani is the truth, we accept Guru Ji as ours as Sikhs. It is the multiple times a day of reading Gurbani, spending time in sangat that reminds us that we are not defined by our names or lives here, and spending time in camps and longer periods meditating that we can finally get it through our minds. There is no me, there is just You permeating and pervading everywhere.

I have struggled greatly with this. Although I now understand this concept, I also think about myself a lot, not using the tools of Gurbani enough. There are times I dig deep and submerse myself in Naam but I get pulled back in because the regularity is not there, because life is too packed. Saying “one day” we don’t realize that we don’t have any time left and there is no guarantee of tomorrow. We must just keep trying and keep persisting and immerse ourselves into this path. The way we see each other is a reflection of our spiritual journey. When we see the Guru Ji's lives were drenched in love, compassion, and empathy for humanity, we realize why - it is You, everywhere. "No pain or pleasure" can only exist if we reach that spiritual avastha.