A New Book

Life seems to be throwing everything at me, the grief of a dying friend, pandemic, health, logistical issues, duties, responsibilities. It has caused me to reflect on where I need to go. 

Two years ago I made a very important decision to stay in my home community. The world was my oyster but I wanted to stay for many reasons, including serving back to those who have helped raised me. I stayed to heal myself and find some resolution for things that I needed answers for. My Guru Ji guided me to stay and I did. As one of my friends so clearly put it, I’ve been on a path of trying to find truth. We don’t choose the path, the path chooses us and God is the one who writes it. 

I have spent most of the last few years trying to chase others, the pursuit of being liked. I am tired of waiting to be appreciated, to be seen. The degree of vulnerability to keep one’s heart open, loving, passionate, to assume the best in others, and try to see the Oneness, is not something that everyone can understand. It is raw and it hurts when you inevitably get burned...but apparently is the best qualities to live a life with depth. I have found it hard to feel trapped by duty, responsibility, the expectations of others. I realized I was holding myself back a few months ago. The excitement and interest in doing something for a greater purpose was growing, but I was held back. I have spent months in turmoil wondering about how all possibilities could work out. I feel like I have clipped my wings, I trapped my mind into thinking that I could no longer dream and think big like I used to. I am less than 150 Angs from finishing the Guru Granth Sahib. It has taken four years but even the persistence of the learning has taught me a lot. Through the highs and lows of the last four years, my Guru has travelled them with me. I got the direction I needed- to find forgiveness for myself that life is not on dwelling on our mistakes. We are allowed to learn and let them go. Everything has a chance to heal if we fight for it.  

The possibilities of life before me are fresh. I am not turning a chapter, I guess God decided I finished my old book entirely. I thought there was more to be written, but I realized that we cannot control these things. Now is the time to awaken the interest in learning instruments, attending camps, exploring Sikhi on a new level; to learn how to be a healer of the spirit like I am of the body. I’ve had dreams to make a big impact in the community, to raise my children and teach them Punjabi, Sikhi, kirtan. The experience of God, can only be by the believer with faith. It must be felt within. I can pray and hope and wish, but it happens by God’s graces and we cannot gift it to another. We came here for one singular purpose to follow that path, no matter what. I made a promise to follow this path. Now is the time to surround myself with sangat to follow that path, to spend time with those interested and excited about Sikhi, but also how it fits into our role as care providers. The discomfort has grown over the last two years, the yearning, the longing for home has grown to a level that I cannot explain. It is time to go home.