The Sherni Speaks

I used to be afraid of speaking up or causing a stir. I guess I believed that there is something to be lost because ego convinces us that we have something to lose. That the community will talk. This independent mind will create too many problems. In many ways, I kept myself limited to a very specific box, of what I was allowed to express because there’s certain ways of being and no matter what I felt or thought, I had to live in those ways of being. I didn’t want to be seen as dramatic, emotional, bossy, expressive, sensitive. I would stand by patiently pulling myself through, being mindful of how I present myself. I was afraid that if I spoke, the kindness and grace, the love and forgiveness would regress, and my voice would make a monster. 

Guru Ji says, “Some speak good of me, and some speak ill of me, but I have surrendered my body to You.” At some point in life, we realize that disappointment of the fact that other people aren’t around when you needed them. I distinctly remember this moment of severe isolation one day when I was admitted to the hospital, and no one was allowed to visit. I locked myself in the bathroom and dropped to the floor and just fell apart. I wanted more than anything to be held. It was ultimately simran, Guru’s word that really allowed me to pick myself up. Gurbani tells us about that reliance on the Divine during these moments in life. 

 

When we are fearful of speaking, we stunt our mind. Naam, Truth, speaks constantly. That vibration is never ending. For us to be nirbhou, without fear, we must stop restricting ourselves. To do an action out of fear is much different than to do an action out of love. To speak with sweetness and grace because you are afraid of what others think, is different than speaking out of grace because you experience the love of Waheguru everywhere. To be nirbhou means that the control of what will other people think and say will be destroyed. The Gurus made change by speaking against things which were happening at the time, by changing what others thought. Speaking up can actually change our homes and our communities. 

 

The voice is powerful. It can resonate on a level that is a Divine experience, when listening to or singing a shabad. It can also let the 5 take over and burn everything down, it can be monstrous. I have learned to use this voice for things that come out of love. I have learned to use this voice to unify. I have learned to use this voice to challenge others in a good way, to be ground-breaking, to break down the walls of the box in which is expected. I will not speak in ways that attack or hurt others but I am learning each day, to be less and less afraid of causing a stir, and more and more to stand up for what needs to be done and to defend the values of Sikhi. I am learning to be brave in a whole new way.