This has been a really challenging two weeks for me. I have been transitioning back to work/school after a long break, and even though I prepared myself as much as I could, it has been quite difficult. The difficult part is about figuring out how to stay true to my goals, beliefs and values. I am in an environment where taking care of yourself and your health is considered weakness (ironically we are caring for other people’s health but are not encouraged to take care of our own). Dedication in this setting means not taking bathroom breaks, or finding time to eat and sleep. I am trying to keep myself well and whole in an environment where I am expected to put my work as my #1 priority. The assumption is that my time is not as valuable as someone who has done their training. People rush around constantly, and yet ironically, they are waiting to live their lives. They are waiting until the rotation is over, or the year, or medical school, or residency, or until the loans are payed off.
This is completely upside down from what I have spent this break re-learning. I am done living for tomorrow- the only thing I can use is this moment. I broke the habits and spent time deprogramming my brain from those beliefs. Now I’m back in a place where it’s all reinforced again. I’m sharing this post because I think it’s important to acknowledge the very real struggles of trying to make changes in your life. I have to remind myself frequently that other people are speaking from their values, and those just don’t line up with mine anymore. I guess I just didn’t realize how much has changed for me.
I am glad to have an increased awareness and understanding of the purpose of my life. I am able to practice daily how to simultaneously be working in this world and seeing everything as sewa, and doing simran in my mind. Going to the gurdwara in the evenings to listen to kirtan has made a big difference for me in this transition back to work as well. I know this is going to get progressively more challenging, but at the same time I am able to appreciate that this challenge is part of the game of life and to win I'm going to have to keep practicing.