I have been
exploring the sense of “self” over the last week. In my job, I ask people to
describe themselves to try to get a sense of their understanding of themselves
and life’s purpose. Many people define themselves through their job and
relationships, and underneath there is a feeling of emptiness and lack of
“self.” I was recently listening to a podcast from mysimran.info about life’s
purpose. Simer Singh talked about how we can fulfill all the criteria that
society gives us such as getting a job, getting married, buying a house, and
still feeling empty (1). This is because we never worked on our real purpose to
meet Waheguru (1). He talked about how, while worldly pursuits like sports and
school are often competitive, our goal of meeting God is not about being first
or the best (1). I often think we compare ourselves to others and think
“so-and-so already has kids” or “this person already has achieved X, Y, Z.”
That race to get this mental checklist completed causes us to miss the point
that time allows us to learn, grow, mature, and when we are ready, God delivers
what we need. Thus as Simer said, our goal of meeting Waheguru is about joining
others to work collectively (1).
A co-worker
I just met brought up the topic of the need to help or please others. I was
interested to learn more about the concept of pleasing others as a purpose, of
tying one’s self-worth to other people instead of God. Many people would call
this “people-pleasing.” This happens, for example, when an individual seeks
approval from others, fears rejection/criticism, or avoids conflict (2). Since this is driven by an underlying fear, it has a negative
effect on individuals and eventually, a person starts to feel trapped,
resentful, used, and gets burned out (3). What is the difference then
between helping others in a healthy way and people-pleasing? Yong Kang Chan
writes “A healthy compassionate person would take himself or herself into
consideration… They please others but yet they don’t put other people first.
They see other people and themselves as equal. ‘Selfless’ to them doesn’t mean
disregarding themselves. It means disregarding the ego’s needs of feeling
important and worthy from helping others. They don’t see pleasing other people
as their responsibilities or obligation. They don’t burn themselves out from
helping others” (2). This is essentially what Gurbani teaches us- that we are
equals, we need to do sewa with humility and without ego, and that you can
serve others while taking care of and standing up for yourself. Serving others
is not a burden, because it is recognizing the Divine within you, and to take
care of yourself is a sewa in itself.
Years ago I
watched videos from Brene Brown, a shame researcher, about setting boundaries
in order to be a compassionate individual. At that time, I still had not
understood the concept, but it just clicked for me. On a podcast
from the Lively Show, Brene explained that in her research the most
compassionate people had the most boundaries (4). Compassion is “the belief we
are connected by something rooted in love” (God) (5). Boundaries are not walls
or emotional distance, but rather simply “what’s okay and what’s not okay” for
you (4). It is the boundaries that make compassion sustainable and prevents us
from burning out (4). She gives an example that you are holding a Christmas
party but are reluctant to invite a friend who gets drunk every year (4). The
boundary is that you tell your friend that you want her there but it makes you
uncomfortable if they get drunk, and she can only come if she doesn't get drunk (4). From this we can really understand that we all have boundaries- for
example, expecting that people show up on time. Say you move in with a roommate, or you just got married. There
is that process of figuring out each other’s boundaries. I remember my cousin
telling me that for a whole year after she got married she and her husband
fought about keeping the doors locked. She grew up in a household where it only
felt safe if the doors were locked and he grew up in one where the doors were
always unlocked. I realize now that this was about their personal boundaries. I’m
away from home so I called my mom to tell her about all these things I learned,
and immediately recognized all the examples of how she has set good boundaries. She is very eager to help others but is also clear not to impinge on
the things she values. For example, she turned down an extended family member's event because she wanted to go to my sister’s soccer tournament. These are what
keeps her compassion and empathy sustainable.
In order
for us to set boundaries, there is a process of figuring out what is okay and
not okay for you, which is a process of discovery. It now made sense why I
hadn’t originally understood the concept of emotional boundaries because it was
only when I took a year away from school to reaffirm what I believed and valued, that I figured out what my boundaries were and how to communicate them. I knew
a lot about giving but I didn’t know a lot about feeding myself. My spiritual
awakening created a strong sense of self that allowed me to understand how to
make giving sustainable and how to care for myself.
Brene’s work
on boundaries comes out of her shame and vulnerability research. In order to
experience the wonderful things in life- joy, belonging, love, it is necessary
to experience vulnerability, because to connect to others we have to let
ourselves be seen (6). In order to be vulnerable, we have to talk about shame, that
feeling that you are a bad person/not good enough (7). That shame leads to
depression, addiction, violence, bullying, etc. while guilt is inversely
related to these (7). Guilt is when you can say I behaved badly, but I’m sorry
and I made a mistake (7). Brene’s research shows men’s shame tends to be about
being perceived as weak, and women’s shame is often about meeting conflicting,
competing expectations/doing it all (7). How do we deal with the shame? When we
are vulnerable, we have courage and we tell someone our story because the
moment those words come out, the silence the shame hides behind is broken (7).
It is important to share the story with someone empathetic; “people who earn
the right to hear your story” (8). Empathy is how we communicate love for
people so they know they are not alone- when someone says “me too”, which
breaks the shame (7). Brene states “you show me a woman who can actually sit
with a man in real vulnerability and fear, I’ll show you a woman who has done
incredible work” and “you show me a man who sits with a woman who has just had
it, she can’t do it anymore … and he really listens, I’ll show you a guy who
has done a lot of work” (7). In order for us to have vulnerability, empathy,
and compassion, we need to have boundaries (4). In order for us to fulfill the
purpose of our life and meet God, we need to serve the Divine self, Waheguru
within us. We are no longer working towards pleasing others, but God that
exists in others with endless compassion and empathy.
I got this very relevant Hukamnama when I was writing
this post:
rwmklI mhlw 5 ]
Raamkalee, Fifth Mehl:
kwhU ibhwvY rMg rs rUp ]
Some pass their lives enjoying
pleasures and beauty.
kwhU ibhwvY mwie bwp pUq ]
Some pass their lives with their
mothers, fathers and children.
kwhU ibhwvY rwj imlK vwpwrw ]
Some pass their lives in power,
estates and trade.
sMq ibhwvY hir nwm ADwrw ]1]
The Saints pass their lives with
the support of the Lord's Name. ||1||
rcnw swcu bnI ]
The world is the creation of the
True Lord.
sB kw eyku DnI ]1] rhwau ]
He alone is the Master of
all. ||1||Pause||
kwhU ibhwvY byd Aru bwid ]
Some pass their lives in
arguments and debates about scriptures.
kwhU ibhwvY rsnw swid ]
Some pass their lives tasting
flavors.
kwhU ibhwvY lpit sMig nwrI ]
Some pass their lives attached to
women.
sMq rcy kyvl nwm murwrI ]2]
The Saints are absorbed only in
the Name of the Lord. ||2||
kwhU ibhwvY Kylq jUAw ]
Some pass their lives gambling.
kwhU ibhwvY AmlI hUAw ]
Some pass their lives getting
drunk.
kwhU ibhwvY pr drb cuorwey ]
Some pass their lives stealing
the property of others.
hir jn ibhwvY nwm iDAwey ]3]
The humble servants of the Lord
pass their lives meditating on the Naam. ||3||
kwhU ibhwvY jog qp pUjw ]
Some pass their lives in Yoga,
strict meditation, worship and adoration.
kwhU rog sog BrmIjw ]
Some, in sickness, sorrow and
doubt.
kwhU pvn Dwr jwq ibhwey ]
Some pass their lives practicing
control of the breath.
sMq ibhwvY kIrqnu gwey ]4]
The Saints pass their lives
singing the Kirtan of the Lord's Praises. ||4||
kwhU ibhwvY idnu rYin cwlq ]
Some pass their lives walking day
and night.
kwhU ibhwvY so ipVu mwlq ]
Some pass their lives on the
fields of battle.
kwhU ibhwvY bwl pVwvq ]
Some pass their lives teaching
children.
sMq ibhwvY hir jsu gwvq ]5]
The Saints pass their lives
singing the Lord's Praise. ||5||
kwhU ibhwvY nt nwitk inrqy ]
Some pass their lives as actors,
acting and dancing.
kwhU ibhwvY jIAwieh ihrqy ]
Some pass their lives taking the
lives of others.
kwhU ibhwvY rwj mih frqy ]
Some pass their lives ruling by
intimidation.
sMq ibhwvY hir jsu krqy ]6]
The Saints pass their lives
chanting the Lord's Praises. ||6||
kwhU ibhwvY mqw msUriq ]
Some pass their lives counseling
and giving advice.
kwhU ibhwvY syvw jrUriq ]
Some pass their lives forced to
serve others.
kwhU ibhwvY soDq jIvq ]
Some pass their lives exploring
life's mysteries.
sMq ibhwvY hir rsu pIvq ]7]
The Saints pass their lives
drinking in the sublime essence of the Lord. ||7||
ijqu ko lwieAw iqq hI lgwnw ]
As the Lord attaches us, so we
are attached.
nw ko mUVu nhI ko isAwnw ]
No one is foolish, and no one is
wise.
kir ikrpw ijsu dyvY nwau ] nwnk
qw kY bil bil jwau ]8]3]
Nanak is a sacrifice, a sacrifice
to those who are blessed by His Grace to receive His Name. ||8||3||
References
1 “Your Life Without Purpose Is
" ____ _____ _____ ".” SoundCloud, Mysimran.info, 6 Nov.
2017, soundcloud.com/mysimran/your-life-without-purpose-is.
2 Chan, Yong K. “Psychology of
People Pleaser: Why Do They Need to Please Others?” Nerdy Creator,
15 Sept. 2016, www.nerdycreator.com/blog/people-pleaser/.
3 Champion, Vickie.
“Home.” Vickie Champion, 2010,
vickiechampion.com/people-pleasing-quiz/.
4 Lively, Jessica, and Brene
Brown. “#124 The Lively Show by Jess Lively on Apple Podcasts.” Apple
Podcasts, Jessica Lively, 17 Feb. 2016,
itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-lively-show/id815582351.
5 Brown, Brene. “Brene
Brown.” YouTube, YouTube, 16 Mar. 2017, www.youtube.com/watch?v=BESvQB6J5rc.
6 Brown, Brene. “The Power of
Vulnerability | Brené Brown.” YouTube, YouTube, 3 Jan. 2011,
www.youtube.com/watch?v=iCvmsMzlF7o&t=941s.
7 Chan, Yong K. “How Brené
Brown Helped Me in Overcoming Shame & Admitting Failure.” Nerdy Creator,
5 Aug. 2016, www.nerdycreator.com/blog/failed-miserably/ 8.
8 OWN. “6 Types of People Who Do Not Deserve to Hear
Your Shame Story | SuperSoul Sunday | OWN.” YouTube, YouTube, 24
Mar. 2013,
www.youtube.com/watch?v=s8Pp7QB6GrE&t=181s&list=PLm7ow7pt7XbwKIQg7WB7zucDVu_QUqne5&index=2.
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