Male Shame and Resilience

Last summer, I bought a book for one of my friends called Daring Greatly by shame and vulnerability researcher Brené Brown. I knew her work but decided maybe I should actually read it before I gave it away! I got about halfway through when life got busy and I ended up going to Toronto. I forgot about it and it sat on my bookshelf for almost a year and a half, but this weekend I remembered and had this feeling that I needed to re-read it. Reading it turned out to be a transformative process for me, learning about myself in ways I didn't understand before. 

I’ve written about Brené's work previously so I’m going to quickly review definitions. The word vulnerability means “uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure”, and she gives examples of saying “I love you” first, calling a friend whose child died, or asking for forgiveness, all as vulnerability (1). She describes shame as “I am bad” or “I am not good enough” and guilt as “I did something bad” (2). Most of us don’t spend this much time thinking about the difference, but when we feel shame, we feel unworthy of love and connection (2). She explains “The thing about shame and the thing about us being defined about the worst thing we’ve ever done or the worst thing that’s ever happened to us, is that there’s nowhere for us to go. The second you’re a liar, then you’re a liar. There’s no focus on the behavior that you can change, it’s become who you are and there’s nowhere out from underneath that” (2). So let's talk about how this shame affects our relationships with self and others.

Shame Triggers

Daring Greatly explains that the triggers for shame for males and females are different due to societal expectations, and it is necessary to understand those to overcome shame (1). For women, it is the expectation that we must be nice, modest, thin, “do it all”, “do it perfectly” and make it all look effortless (1). I had read a lot about female topics of shame from her other work but I knew very little about male shame. In general in society, I feel we don't talk a lot about male shame. It is a topic that we sweep under the rug and ignore. In terms of expectations on men, Brené writes “Basically, men live under the pressure of one unrelenting message: don’t be perceived as weak” (1). What immediately changed my life and way of thinking was what she writes about her experience interviewing men:

“I was not prepared to hear over and over from men how the women- the mothers, sisters, girlfriends, wives- in their lives are constantly criticizing them for not being open and vulnerable and intimate, all the while they are standing in front of that cramped wizard closet [reference to Wizard of Oz] where their men are huddled inside, adjusting the curtain and making sure no one sees in and no one gets out. There was a moment when I was driving home from an interview with a small group of men and thought, Holy shit. I am the patriarchy. Here’s the painful pattern that emerged from my research with men: we ask them to be vulnerable, we beg them to let us in and we plead with them to tell us when they’re afraid, but the truth is that most women can’t stomach it. In those moments when real vulnerability happens in men, most of us recoil with fear and that fear manifests as everything from disappointment to disgust and men are very smart. They know the risks, and they see the look in our eyes when we’re thinking, C’mon! pull it together. Man up. As Joe Reynolds, one of my mentors and the dean at our church, once told me during a conversation about men, shame, and vulnerability, ‘Men know what women really want. They want us to pretend to be vulnerable. We get really good at pretending’” (1).

When I read this part of her book, I’ll be honest, I put the book down, covered my face, and I cried. Because it was true. It was the truth that nobody wants to talk about. These were real men telling their stories, and I was one of those women. I realized the power of my words, my reactions, my conflicting expectations, and as much as I hated it, my own inability to “stomach it.” As much as I wanted that deep connection of knowing someone is vulnerable with you, there also existed a panic in the face of a man’s fears and emotions. There was this idea in my mind that no matter how much I’m struggling, he’s supposed to hold it together for the both of us. He's supposed to know when I don't know, he's supposed to be calm when I'm anxious. I realized it was hypocritical of me to want someone to love my imperfections and not embrace theirs too. 

When I started reading more about this topic, I realized we can carry around a lot of beliefs that can be damaging to our relationships, and we learn these ideas as we grow up from the culture around us. For example, the Good Men Project wrote about the myth that women are givers and men are takers, “Women are givers but men are givers, too, and just as much as women, we need to be recognized and reminded that we matter to you” (3). We also tend to underappreciate the ways in which men express love (which typically is more physical actions), and show their support (often by trying to fix the problem rather than talking). Brené talked about the story of one particular man and wrote, “Never in my life before that moment did I think about men feeling vulnerable about sex”(1). We are brought up to think that women are the ones who feel vulnerable about it, not men. I didn’t think about it feels to be expected to be the one to ask someone out and constantly face the possibility of rejection, criticism and ridicule because like it says above, men are pretty good at pretending that it doesn’t bother them and hiding their feelings (3). It must be a tremendous pressure not only to feel it, but to hide how you feel too. Dr. Lissa Rankin writes “[M]asculinity can be a cage our culture imprisons men in. Then we shame them for being armored up in the prisons we helped them make” (4). It is the same cage Brené writes about, “I see how boys are issued a crate when they’re born. It’s not too crowded when they’re toddlers. They’re still small and can move around a bit. They can cry and hold onto to mamma, but as they grow older, there’s less and less wiggle room. By the time they’re grown men, it’s suffocating” (1). I don’t want to be part of making a cage and suffocating anyone. I want to do better. It’s important for us to understand how our shame prevents us from fully engaging in relationships and sitting in each other’s vulnerability. 

Burden of Expectations
Daring Greatly describes a frequent situation in arguments in a relationship, where the shame of one individual exacerbates the shame of the other and creates an environment of disconnection. Brené writes, “When I talk to couples, I can see how shame creates one of the dynamics most lethal to a relationship. Women, who feel shame when they don’t feel heard or validated, often resort to pushing and provoking with criticism… Men, in turn, who feel shame when they feel criticized for being inadequate, either shut down (leading women to poke and provoke more) or come back with anger.” This is why it is important for us to understand shame triggers. Over time, “We start to unravel. The expectations and messages that fuel shame keep us from fully realizing who we are as people” (1). Then, “[w]e disengage to protect ourselves from vulnerability, shame and feeling lost and without purpose…we don’t show up, we don’t contribute, and we stop caring” (1). In that process, we lose out on the beautiful experiences involved in living a full rich life.

It is damaging for society to increase expectations on men that they should be riding their “White Horse” constantly, and to only focus on deconstructing expectations for women not to be perfect. In her audiobook, Men, Women and Worthiness, Brené summarizes by explaining how we can’t expect men to conform to rigid unrealistic gender roles and not expect it to trap us as well because trapping men or women into a box is equally damaging (2). She says “I want to come home and be able to fall apart and have a partner who looks at me and says I get it, he understands what women are up against, he understands that I’m doing the best I can, that I’m not the girl from Flashdance, that I’m not going to be able to break dance, do ballet, look awesome and do that stuff all the time. Not only does he get it, he signed on to the fact that I shouldn’t have to be doing all those things. We can’t want that from our partners but at the same time pledge our allegiance to the system ‘Hey I want you to be there for me, but you still need to be on the White Horse.’ Every time we buy into these norms, every time we buy into these ideals of who and what we’re supposed to be, our partners are supposed to be, our friends are supposed to be, every time we sign on and perpetuate those, we lock ourselves into the same straight jacket… When I buy into my dad and my friend and my husband have to be John Wane; at the same time we sign up for that class, we are signing up for and I’ll stay quiet and thin and modest and spend all my money and time and effort looking pretty. We can’t have it both ways and what I would argue for is we look at each other and say let’s be the full expression of our humanity, let’s both bring everything we can bring into being together and building families and building relationships”(2). 

Solutions & Shame Resilience

Shame resilience is about recognizing triggers and what shame feels like, reality-checking those expectations, and then sharing your story with someone you trust. Shame is about feeling like you’re the only one, but when we connect with other people and get empathy, it destroys shame: “Shame derives its power from being unspeakable... If we cultivate enough awareness about shame to name it and speak to it, we’ve basically cut it off at the knees”(1). Instead of letting that moment destroy our relationships, we move through it. Normally when people are ashamed they can have many reactions such as judging and criticizing, lashing out in anger, numbing, disengaging, hiding, or trying to overly please others (1). Learning to identify, name and share a shame story lets us stay true to who we want to be-caring, loving and engaged. Brené writes, “When I asked men, women, and couples how they practiced whole-heartedness around these very sensitive and personal issues, one answer came up again and again: honest, loving conversations that require major vulnerability. We have to be able to talk about how we feel, what we need and desire, and we have to be able to listen with an open heart and an open mind” (1). Then we experience the benefits of vulnerability: joy, love, connection, etc.

I write a lot about empowering women and giving us a voice. It is important for us to continue to recognize the effect that South Asian culture has in particular on Sikh women’s struggles and to understand everyone’s roles in practicing the equality we have been taught in Sikhi. At the same time, we can also focus on re-defining men's roles, and it is important to give those a voice as well. Jack Myers writes in TIME:

“Focusing on better men, dads, husbands, boyfriends, and sons does not come at the expense of the rightful attention to women’s rights and equality…As a society we need to be more supportive of paternity leave, stay-at-home dads, and men entering traditionally ‘feminine’ careers, such as nursing or teaching. Just as we encourage girls to be strong and confident, to enter STEM careers, and to be anything they want to be, we need to similarly encourage our sons to embrace female-dominated HEAL careers (health, education, administrative, literacy)…If we fail to focus on redefining men’s roles alongside women’s, we are in danger of fostering a culture of hostility among men who are feeling left out in school, in the job market, and in relationships” (5).

Both men and women struggle under these expectations because there’s no way to sustain them. So we should all work on holding the space of vulnerability and reality-checking our expectations. Let’s use every opportunity to grow, however uncomfortable and difficult it is at the time. If I look back, the most important learning moments of my life were the excruciating process of sharing a shame story, or sitting with someone in their moment of vulnerability. 

For our father, our brother, our son, our friend, our husband, it matters that we open up a space for their vulnerability without putting up more walls, without criticizing, without running away in fear, and simply just engage. Engage in conversation, just like I asked men to do for their sisters, mothers, and wives in my post about male privilege last year. Dr. Lissa Rankin writes

“[Men] need to know that we don’t need them to pretend to keep it all together when they feel like falling apart…If we want men to feel close to us- and to be good partners when they grow up- they need to feel safe to unravel. They need to know we can take turns being the pillars of strength for each other. Yes, as women, we desire men who we can lean on when we feel weak or fuzzy or ungrounded. But we can’t expect men to play that role all the time. It’s just not fair- and it’s not serving any of us. Instead, we need to be able to be vulnerable with each other…Men need permission to stop faking it when they feel vulnerable, which means we need to demonstrate that we can sit in the puddle of their imperfections with them, without shaming them or making them question whether our love might be withdrawn…Instead of badgering men for being shut down and unemotional, let’s have conversations with the boys and men in our lives to let them know our love and acceptance is not conditional upon their strength” (4).

Learning all of this has inspired me to change the way I think and live. Ultimately, to empathize, to live in harmony, to love deeply, and “be the full expression of our humanity,” is what it means to be a Sikh. So let us each work on shame resilience, be courageous, be vulnerable, and dare greatly: “When we spend our lives waiting until we’re perfect or bulletproof before we walk into the arena, we ultimately sacrifice relationships and opportunities that may not be recoverable, we squander our precious time, and we turn our backs on our gifts, those unique contributions that only we can make. Perfect and bulletproof are seductive, but they don’t exist in the human experience. We must walk into the arena, whatever it may be- a new relationship, an important meeting, our creative process, or a difficult family conversation- with courage and the willingness to engage. Rather than sitting on the sidelines and hurling judgment and advice, we must dare to show up and let ourselves be seen. This is vulnerability. This is daring greatly” (1). 

putting masks away and having an empathetic conversation

References

1 Brown, B. (2016). Daring Greatly: How the Courage to be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead. London: Penguin Books Ltd.

2 Brown, B. Men, Women and Worthiness: The Experience of Shame and the Power of Being Enough. Narrated by Brene Brown, Audible, 2012. Audiobook.

3 Fiffer, T. (2017). The 3 Things a Man Fears Most: An Exposé of the Male Psyche -. [online] The Good Men Project. Available at: https://goodmenproject.com/ethics-values/the-3-things-a-man-fears-most-fiff/ [Accessed 1 Dec. 2017].

 4 Rankin, Lissa. (2014). Women, Please Stop Shaming Men | Lissa Rankin. [online] Available at: http://lissarankin.com/women-please-stop-shaming-men [Accessed 1 Dec. 2017].

5 Myers, J. (2016). Young Men Are Facing a Masculinity Crisis. [online] TIME. Available at: http://time.com/4339209/masculinity-crisis/ [Accessed 1 Dec. 2017].