Overflowing

The absolute hardest work we do is actually the work we do on ourselves. To change our minds, because it is the mind that has carried forward from years and years of patterns, through different life forms and different bodies, to come to this life and this body. So some of those patterns are deeply engrained and hard to change. It is the durmat mehl, accumulated over these millions of lifeforms. Sometimes we spend more time working on our jobs, because even though it might be long hours, very physically or mentally challenging, it is easier than this self-work. This self-work takes courage because then we identify our own weaknesses and areas that we need to improve on. This self-work is where we admit the worst to ourselves and shine a light into the dark corners- I can do better. Self-work can take so many forms. For example, examining patterns of trauma over generations is not a day’s work. It can take the form of facing an addiction and the pain that underlies it. It can take the form of facing our deepest fears and insecurities, examining one’s values and beliefs. It’s the work of having faith and meditating on God. It is discipline and structure. It’s the work to maintain our language, culture, and heritage. It’s the work of changing the very way your brain thinks and ending the thoughts into just Naam. It’s also the work of releasing one’s control over everything and trusting Hukam. As I’ve said it really is brave and courageous work, and ongoing work. 

I knew I didn’t feel right for the last couple of days. Despite having high energy on Friday there was something wrong going on by Monday. Yet I couldn’t quite put my finger on what the issue was that was gnawing away at me, other than I just felt I had too much going on. I couldn’t even pin it down to the one thing, it seemed to be all-consuming. It was the usual midnight light-bulb- the ideas that come to me in the middle of the night, that identified the problem. The hard work we do on ourselves is also the most underappreciated and unseen work. Since others don’t see it, they perceive you to have more time than you do, seeing only one portion of your life and piling on more and more. More importantly than what anyone else realized, I wasn’t even recognizing this for myself as work I had on my own plate. I finally sat down and wrote out all the projects I was involved in, whether for work, spiritual projects, or those for personal health and wellness. I realized why I felt like I was bursting at the seams, there were 78 active projects on this list. WHAT??! How on earth did this happen. This came as an absolute shock. Of course a chunk of it was job-related projects and the committee work, but I didn’t even realize the amount of all the other projects like mentorship, doing a Sehaj Paath, yoga, researching history, singing, and so on. I had never put this altogether on one page, in my brain it was two different worlds of projects, that would never mix. On one piece of paper, it was obvious that it was unsustainable. That was my first mistake. I even wrote recently in one of my posts how there are so many opportunities that pull us but we must choose the ones we are passionate about. My problem was I didn’t realize how many projects I was passionate about… I really needed to do some rethinking about which ones took priority here. Finally I have a consistent routine everyday but I never looked to see where that time was coming out of- I didn’t remove anything in it’s place. I just thought somehow I got more efficient.  So my first lesson to pass on from today is please, LOOK CAREFULLY at everything on your plate. Don’t make the same mistake I did and include stuff not related to your job. 

I got some help and managed to do some very important cropping- not of the things that give me joy and keep me going like my spiritual projects, but rather of the projects that are burdening up all my time now. While these were once fulfilling, I just needed to have some stricter use of my time and had to do some cutting. Second, I reminded myself that people will always try to overload us. Even those who might know some of the other stuff we have going on, can’t live in our shoes and might not understand the energy consumption of these other tasks. Now add on the emotional turbulence of everyday life- we all have something or other going on outside of everything we “do”, related to the relationships we have in life. Its the nature of life. That takes time to deal with as well. My second-takeaway this week was to set firmer boundaries. I want to take on projects I am passionate about, but I only have so much time. Saying no today was quite empowering. It’s your life and you have a right to decide where your time goes. Last take-away is self-work is the hardest work you will do, so appreciate that for yourself, and be patient with yourself through that process.