Dating and Matchmaking

The show “Indian Matchmaking” has become incredibly popular and it’s the latest buzz both inside and outside the South Asian community. I wasn’t sure about how to go talk about this topic since it seems to be a very touchy one, but we also can’t be silent on topics that affect our Sikh youth.  

a cup of cha and a ladoo

Sikhi doesn’t endorse the idea of dating in the sense of the western concept of dating. Yet at the same time, similar to other topics we have discussed, there is a difference in what is practically occurring. For a generation that has grown up in the western society there are even young teens from Sikh households who date- usually privately and not known to their families. Furthermore, marrying someone you met on your own, or met through friends is also more common amongst my generation. The other way is the more traditional way where people could talk and get to know each other if they were pre-matched by the parents for the purpose of a marriage. This is what the show was based on. The concept of spending time with someone you are pre-engaged/engaged to be married is definitely a different concept of commitment than the western world’s dating scene, because you are of an age to be married, have the intention to be married, and there has been some kind of preselection that has decided that theoretically this may be a decent match. It is left up to the couple to decide. I am really unsure when the couple started to have a say in this process, because in the past I think the families just decided that the couple was getting married based on their own criteria. Child marriages were pretty common until recently. I think for some families this version of the arranged marriage probably does still occur, where they have no say in the arrangement, but I think its more rare now because its recognized that the couple having a say is important. The type of arranged marriage that they discussed on the show was the kind where the couple does get to decide, and in the case of the show they went out on dates together. So I think that traditional and non-traditional are no longer and either-or. There are tons of areas of overlap, even where two people can meet individually, with the intent to be married, and the same commitment and formalize it through their families. There’s just a lot of different possibilities. One example of finding a match comes about from Sikh history. Guru Amardas Ji’s wife, Mata Mansa Devi Ji decided it was time for Bibi Bhani to be married. They were about to send a Sikh off to search but just Mata Ji saw Bhai Jetha Ji doing sewa and said to search for someone like him. Guru Ji said there was no other like him, and they married their daughter to Bhai Jetha Ji (who goes on to become Guru Ramdas Ji). They didn’t discriminate that he was an orphan and no house of his own. They simply saw his values for their daughter.  

The show brought up a lot of areas of discussion. Essentially the matches being made were based on biodata- the details of your life like a CV. Then the person says for example they are only willing to marry someone in this age range, of this height, of this caste, of this complexion, of this profession, etc. Based on the biodatas they simply just cut off all the people who don’t fit the criteria. The first problem with this is that it encourages casteism, colourism, and similar types of discrimination. In the show they also had a lot of stuff about horoscopes which is not something we do in Sikhi. The second problem with this is that a relationship isn’t like shopping for an item. If you met the love of your life but they were a couple years older than you thought, or 2 inches taller or shorter, would it matter? Unfortunately in this type of system you would never even get the chance to meet them because you’ve already cut off a group of individuals based on external factors. This type of matchmaking certainly isn’t the same as a traditional vichola, someone who knows the family, and can vouch for the couple. Instead its just a random person who becomes the matchmaker, and makes matches based on what they think and the biodatas. Perhaps this adaption, and the use of online dating platforms have become more popular amongst South Asians because it is harder nowadays to find a vichola that will actually know the couples and their families. It still does happen in its own modified way, but I think the vichola doesn’t really hold much “responsibility” or a sense of having to make a good match. 

We find ourselves now in countries where it can be harder to find people of your culture and faith in your area. It’s great that we have grown up with so much diversity in cultures and perspectives because you get to know how different families function and what life is like for other families. At the same time I think it can be limiting if you live in areas where you don’t have Punjabi friends, or you don’t get to experience the diversity of your own culture’s family system and seeing how that works. There are also more and more people waiting to have a professional career before being married, so they get married at a later age. There is definitely a pressure from the community itself when you aren’t married of a certain age with “what’s wrong why isn’t your son/daughter married” comments to parents. It can be harder to find someone when you wait to get married and everyone else got married in their early 20s. In some ways it is beneficial to wait because there is no added stress of trying to do school and a relationship at the same time (which we certainly got told in our program often leads to divorce), but also has the benefit of more wisdom. If you are a bit older you know yourself, you have developed important life and relationship skills, and you will be a more mature parent. When the couple take their laavan it is a deeply spiritual ceremony and to be ready for actually understanding it at that level one really has to know their own spiritual nature. When people are young and don’t know themselves (mentally, emotionally, spiritually) it’s hard to have the skills to know another person, to grow together, and parent together. Yet being an older age doesn’t necessarily mean you have invested into knowing yourself, or your spirit, or developing any life skills. It was prominent in the show that a lot of the people didn’t know what they were looking for in a partner and didn’t really have insight into their own lives. Rather at a later age it seemed like they were more engrained into their definitions of themselves and didn’t want to let that go which was working against relationship building. I thought that was interesting. 

The other prominent theme from this show was about the women in the show and their roles. This was not an area covered by the biodata, but was incredibly important in the value systems of the women who were going to be married, and the families they were meeting. Some of the women expressed really wanting to make sure they felt free and to be an equal partner, while one of the families really wanted a daughter-in-law who simply just did what she was told and was lower in the “hierarchy” of their family structure. In that situation the mother-in-law was very forceful of what she wanted for her son. It was hard to watch and demonstrated why some of the women were so adamant about feeling equal and coming together with their partner on their decisions rather than just being told what to do. Times have definitely changed both in western culture and ours; even when you watch old TV shows like “I Love Lucy” (one of my favorite classics), you realize how much things have changed for the status of women in the household. A lot of women nowadays are afraid to be trapped in a situation where they are expected to sacrifice everything and simply “adjust” while their partner makes no compromises and their skills and talents aren’t valued. One cannot flourish mentally, emotionally, or spiritually in an environment where the freedoms of thought and expression, or where you go and what you do are suppressed. On the other hand I think our parents generation definitely grew up in that adjustment period mentality, where the women had to adjust no matter what, and they are afraid that our generation is so focused on themselves that they don’t know how to compromise, make a relationship work, or give and take. It is inevitable for a relationship to break without compromise and understanding, so they worry their children will end up divorced. I get the protectiveness that comes into play by mothers of this generation for their sons, and I think they also fear being pushed aside and not being respected. Yet I think the message that women of our generation are expressing is that of course they will compromise and respect their in-laws, but they won’t be the only one always sacrificing and compromising. Unfortunately there still are women who are treated as servants in the household, even here in Canada. I think this inequality in our culture is something that definitely doesn’t exist in Sikhi. I don’t know where it came from but if we look back at the time when women were just so lowly in Indian culture, Sikh women were leaders in the community.

Well I hope I have covered some topics of interest and discussion here. I think it is helpful if we take these topics back to our friends and families and discuss them. I’ve certainly been discussing the show with others and its brought up a lot of interesting perspectives. One of my friends noted how she felt that she really appreciated that they didn’t look down on an arranged marriage because she felt it tends to be seen very negatively by western society. So I think there’s a lot to be thought about in terms of how Sikhi meets western culture, and Punjabi culture and how we can adapt to the changing circumstances of where we live.