Fall

As I watch the yellow and red leaves stir in the wind, I get this stirring in the pit of my stomach. I can feel those leaves, moving, dancing, and finally falling and settling their way to the ground, melting into the soil and rooting themselves as a part of the earth. In that soil, a seed from a fruit allows a new life to begin and start to grow. 

There is a period of time that we spend in our lives getting to know our inner yearnings, figuring out what we need to be well, and live within the fullest forms of ourselves. This comes from figuring out what we need spiritually, mentally, emotionally, physically, to feel rejuvenated, fulfilled, and like your cup is full. I think I finally understand where those words “settling down” come from. There is an inherent desire that arises to want the comfort and routine of connection, belonging, and home. I think this desire also comes from understanding and figuring out all those pieces about oneself and just wanting to share that. In reality settling down is not a comfortable process in itself, because it is a process of change, but it does eventually lead to being settled. 

 

For years during my training, I promised myself that there would be a magical moment the minute I was done- that I would have the fulfilling career I wanted, get married, travel and just fulfill all my dreams and interests. I went on dragging myself along patiently making sacrifices by imagining this future life. Then a couple of years ago I saw my colleagues finishing their training. They weren’t living the magical life because they were so burned out that they no longer remembered who they were. They had skipped investing into themselves spiritually, emotionally, physically, mentally, as part of that sacrifice to get to where they were. Now all they had left was a career they resented, but they kept working ridiculous hours thinking of another future day once they were retired that they would get to know themselves. In fact there was a paper written about this concept- it’s called delayed gratification (see reference below). In that paper they talked about how people commonly couldn’t balance work and home to the point that they decided that they just had to wait until they were retired to truly live their lives. I still know a lot of people that think if they work really hard today, then they can retire early and hopefully do all the things they dreamed of doing. This was really eye opening for me to realize at the time and I vowed that I needed to invest into myself so I started doing things I enjoy like playing my rabab and even things I initially dreaded but later learned to love that fed my body, mind and spirit. Sikhi taught me the importance of the present moment. 

 

There are certain times we do have to make a short term sacrifice for a long term gain. I am incredibly appreciative of the fact that I can now work less hours and still get paid enough to run a household, and spend time with my kids. It is a gift not to have to choose between a family and a job, and to have a job that is not only impactful but also gives me the autonomy to choose how much I work, where and when. At the same time, you can make sacrifices to get a long term gain but make sure that you don’t sacrifice everything. Make sure you teach your kids not to sacrifice everything. If my career had engulfed and encompassed me, I would be devastated that my life is not some magical fairytale right now that I promised myself. I would have become just like all the colleagues I saw, waiting for a day when I was retired to enjoy life. There needs to be balance between sacrificing some stuff in the short run for long term gain, while still enjoying the present and living in it. While I am so disappointed in how anti-climactic it has been to have a first year of practice during a pandemic, and having things not come together how I thought they would, I am thankful for what I have. It’s not like the whole castle crumbled and all I have left is the pillar of my career. So this idea of delayed gratification is so important to explore because it relates to us disrupting the process of settling into our lives. In fact we never really do settle into the present, because we are always living for a future that doesn’t come. 

 

There have been many decisions to make in the last couple of months. I’ve had to decide around my career, health, spirituality, future… all based on a vision of the future. It has been hard to do that blindly, so for two months I just froze and made minimal decisions. Each decision was a branching point, for example I cant commit to working 100 hr work weeks for two years if I’m actually planning on raising a family. I can’t move to the middle of nowhere to work, if I am planning on being closely connected to a Sikh community and going regularly to the Gurdwara. What I realized in that two months is that the process of settling into ourselves, and settling down requires decisions and effort. I can’t hold off making these decisions, but I also can’t make ones that adversely affect my future and compete with my value systems. That whole process that the leaf takes of dancing, is you adjusting is the process of knowing what fills your cup so you can settle down and you can be comfortable. So you can find a balance between doing stuff for the long term benefit and being satisfied day to day. I am looking for my space in the soil. Although the degree of choice you have might be more limited to you in your life depending on your circumstances, try to find that balance of using your autonomy to make life fulfilling each day as well. Remember that some of the Bhagats did their work in such a way that their work- making shoes, dying cloths itself was simran so if you don’t have the autonomy to change your situation you do have the autonomy to change your mindset. 

 

References

http://catalogue.cssslaval.qc.ca/GED_CL/102463592064/Doc_224290_ang.pdf Physician Health- State of Knowledge and Preventive Approach