Together and Apart

Sometimes people are around in our lives for a moment, season, a few years, 10 years, or even 70 years! The impact they can have on us can be tremendous within one interaction. We gain so many gifts on our journey from our pre-destined interactions and the time we spend with each other. It is also a process of grieving when we no longer have someone in our lives that mattered to us. One of my friends said recently "Grief is a good and yet painful reminder of the value of strong positive connections." People are taken from our lives for hundreds of reasons, but I think nothing trumps the fact that it ultimately comes down to Hukam. This can be one of the hardest things that we have to learn to accept, the inevitable loss of our closest and deepest loved ones. As Sikhs at least we have our preparation phase, we have our phase of remembering that we are all temporary relations here, our phase of remembering that You are ultimately every interaction that this mind encounters. We are merely reabsorbed into a version of that One Universal reality, whether through reincarnation or through Jeevan mukhti and the end of our cycles. 

I have a basil plant that I have been lucky to keep alive this winter next to my bed, even with the lack of sun. I think it is surviving a lot better around the energy of a human being than randomly sitting on a table. This being is also travelling it’s own journey, living out its days in photosynthesis and emitting its sweet and beautiful smell. I hope that the power of the words, shabads and Gurbani that it hears fills it with something to take to its next life. Perhaps this too was our Sanjog, this plant and me, for however long it is around. This extends to all the plants and animals around us. Imagine the long life of the Dukh Bhanjani Beri, or the tree under which Guru Gobind Singh Ji slept at Machiwara. These beings have been around a lot longer than the human lives that pass through visiting them. I’ve always been happier to receive a plant than receive a bouquet flowers. They are cut off from their roots, unable to survive on their own, their beauty to me is a representation of a constant wilting. I enjoy the smell of soil in a potted plant, the renewal of seasons of flowering and not flowering, knowing that it is living. I don’t know for how many weeks, months or years I will get to live with this plant. Will it travel with me to see new houses and places, or will it be reabsorbed into it’s version of the One today. Just like we don’t know when our loved ones will return. 

 

Intermingling (acrylic pour)

I think one of the hardest things to do is to know the right thing to do when you care about someone. A couple of months ago one of closest friends and I were both going through a difficult time. We needed each other because of our inner circles are so small, but at the same time I could see the need for space as well. My heart pulled me to tell her that it was ok if she couldn't walk with me for my journey right now, because she had to look after her own. It was heart-breaking at a time I was already feeling broken, but it was the right thing to do to not be selfish. It was an important conversation that will define the rest of our friendship, because it allowed us to save our friendship and acknowledge that we still care for each other but that we needed things to be different for a while. We decided to gave each other space, but if either one of us had an urgent situation we could call, no questions asked. The texts have been short and the phone calls are rare and not regular anymore, but I don’t love her any less for it. We find other ways to show each other our care like dropping off surprises for each other on a whim or a simple "are you ok?". Maybe this is what true friendship can look like. Sometimes I wish people met me when I had things more "together". It reminds me of a Frasier episode where the main character, a talk show radio Psychiatrist, keeps having a lull in his life every 5 years when he has his high school reunion. He hates attending and having everyone see him at his worst. What I learned though is that we don't have to have everything together to be worthy of being loveable. Messy hair, pyjamas, and puffy black circles doesn’t make us unlovable or unworthy. Even during our absolute lowest and worst, we are still worthy. Sometimes creating space for each other when we are in our lowest, is not abandonment, or to say that the other is not worthy or we don't care, but it is an act of love and compassion. It might be simply saying that we gotta do what we gotta do to survive. I've been the friend on both sides of this situation, and it isn't easy either way. 

I was thinking after hearing that Bhai Manvir Singh katha I mentioned in the last post, about the man who had been already in jail for 26 years and still had to complete a life sentence. He had no friends or family. He might have been alone but he was deeply connected to Guru Ji, and his gutka saved him and put a smile on his face. It made me think about how we can be surrounded by people and still feel lonely, or we can be physically alone and not feel loneliness. Being around other people who make us feel seen, valued, make us laugh and remind us of where we are going in life, is more important than the number of people. It is the quality of the time spent. I am finding it is extra hard during covid because we can’t physically feel the presence of people through zoom and facetime. Yet what I do know is that people who love each other and good friends, are not separated by time and space. I’ve got a childhood friend since 8 years old that catches up with me maybe once a year, sometimes longer stretches of time and the conversations are intense and deep because of our established trust. When we really need each other, we know we are each there no matter what and how much time has passed. You might not see someone for a long time and have a better relationship with them than someone you see everyday (think about some of your coworkers). Mere presence is not enough to add depth. Sometimes we aren’t surrounded by the right people. Sometimes it’s the right people but it isn’t the right time. It is ok to need time for yourself. When life is overwhelming, sometimes all we can really do is take care of ourselves and keep going.  

Alone time is valuable. I find I need a lot of time to reflect, time to sometimes just not have anyone ask me how I am doing, and just have a time and space to just fully immerse myself into a spiritual realm all on my own. I find solace in that space. It doesn’t feel lonely then. Sometimes we need other people desperately, and not having them, not having people to call and tell what is happening, is the worst thing in the world. I have cut down significantly on the people I call my own over the years. The truth is like Brené Brown put it, the amount of people whose opinion matters should fit on a 1” by 1” square. They are the people who are in the inner circle. 

I think the thing I learned is that we can carry the gifts of what people have added to our lives forward, regardless of whether we get to have them in our lives or not. Sometimes we will meet again, and reunite in a few months or years. Sometimes they have moved on from this lifetime and we won’t get a chance to meet them in this form again. The one thing I know is that closeness and love is not predicted from how often you speak, but it is from the depth of thought that goes in your heart for wishing that person well even if you haven’t seen them in a long time. Maybe it is possible to be together and apart at the same time.