Getting Help from the Community

I am going to be doing some Punjabi language healthcare projects and will be looking for some help from people. If you are from PG and interested in helping out please email: pgsikhyouth@gmail.com I’ve been patiently containing my excitement because I’ve had to wait a while to get them going again. These will be similar to the diabetes education events, gang violence, CPR training, etc. and the idea is to touch on medical issues but also psychosocial ones too. I already have a list of topics that we have to start with but we can expand. Organization is always super tricky and now we will have to figure out what to do about covid so the more help the better. 

What I've realized in getting to know Punjabi families is that the Punjabi community has a lot of stigma around certain issues, and parents have a hard time around skills to deal with parenting in western society, As we get an influx of young people coming from India to study, they are having to deal with new health and social issues as well. The idea around holding events is to educate, have a discussion, and to normalize some of these topics. Isolation is problematic. I can't tell you how many times I've heard from a Punjabi person they thought they were all alone and couldn't ask anyone about their issue. Often times they will share their problem with immediate family (although sometimes people feel uncomfortable sharing stuff with their partner), and definitely will not be sharing in extended family or friends and others in the community. It’s hard to reach out. People are afraid of being judged, or being set on the wrong track by someone who has an ill wish towards them or their family. Maybe they think other people won't understand. I have noticed people are reluctant to ask for advice on even the most minor issues sometimes like how their kids can apply to college, because they are afraid they will have someone give them the wrong advice, or even the whole concept of “nazaar.” Maybe their experiences in the past has been that they sought help and no one was willing to help them. I’ve seen a lot of families like that. Sometimes people reach out repetitively, don't get help and then stop trying, and then it's really late by the time they get help and they get told they should have tried earlier. It’s vulnerable and difficult to ask for help in the first place, because others are in a position of being able to hurt you. That hurt could be socially by spreading around things about you, which is something people care a lot about in a tightknit small community- status. We shouldn't be gossiping in Sikhi, and ultimately people can say whatever they want. You know where your heart lies, Waheguru is everywhere and other people who know you won't doubt your integrity. That hurt could come in other forms like giving bad advice (like go to a Baba). Unfortunately because of all these reasons, open spaces of dialogue don’t happen and people often struggle alone with their problems. Especially now during covid, when there is no gathering at the Gurdwaras, opportunities for connection for our parents and grandparents generation is more limited.  

A large portion of my job now is around education and teaching, which is something I love, whether its physical/mental health, social problems, stressors, or sensitive/potentially embarrassing topics. I think this aspect of health education is so important because it empowers people to make decisions for themselves and understand what is influencing their health under the surface. If we have social issues in the community that we aren’t addressing, or don’t know how to approach, it’s important for us to break barriers and talk about those. During the times of Guru Hargobind Sahib Ji, the Akal Takht was a place to address worldly needs of the Sikhs. While the problems of then and now seem vastly different, they are actually rooted in the same. when it comes down to spirituality, Gurbani teaches that the root of our suffering is our ego and maya/the 5 (kaam, krodh, lob, moh, hankar). We should be applying our integration of Gurbani into our approach to health, into wellness in our community. Instead of just matha tekking when things are tough, we should be figuring out how to apply Guru Ji’s advice to our present situation. Our being is integrated- body, mind, soul (Waheguru), so we should also integrate our understanding of our wellness. 

One of the things that can be beneficial is spaces of dialogue where we bring up a topic that is hard to talk about and talk about it in a general sense, in the third person. As I mentioned in a previous post, it’s been researched that this method seems to work really well for us. We can gather a group and then normalize the fact that a lot of people are dealing with this same issue, taking away their isolation and some of the stigma. It opens up the chance for people to ask questions in a general sense, without having to say its something they are struggling with directly. It gives them an opportunity to also know where to get help. That’s why I have really found these events to be so valuable when we have done them in the past. They make meaningful differences. 

I think the other piece that is really important to address is that we have to stop pretending everything is perfect. I used to watch the show “Keeping Up Appearances” when I was little. It was about a lady named Hyacinth Bucket and she would introduce herself as “Hyacinth Bouquet”, putting on lavish external shows to pretend that she was rich. That reminds me a lot of our community, and the emphasis on social status. In western culture it is the idea of Keeping Up with the Jones’. I think it presents differently for our community as a visible minority community. I remember reading years ago, that because your actions might affect how the community at large is seen, the pressure of being an ideal/model cultural community comes into play. Let’s say a Sikh person doing something wrong, that will affect everyone in the Sikh community and how we are seen. Unfortunately people won’t see them as an individual, but rather that this represents the Sikh community. We have worked really hard in Canada to be recognized as a community that are hard workers, and loyal and dedicated. That’s who we are naturally, but it took years for people to establish that when they came from India 40-50 yrs ago or prior. Especially in a small town like ours I think that is manifesting as not wanting others to know your business. Maybe your kid is stealing, or spent time in jail, or selling drugs, in a gang, failed out of school- instead of getting help, sometimes the priority seems to be hiding the problem so others don’t know. The bigger worry is the social situation rather than the situation itself. Sometimes we don’t know who to trust, but actually if we were able to talk about it might become obvious we aren’t the only ones struggling with these problems. We just don’t want to expose ourselves. Let’s say I tell you X, Y, Z is going on with me, and I had a really hard time sharing that. It was something that I just don’t tell people because it’s hard for me to share. Then you go and tell others or use it against me and just make it so that I become weary of seeking help or confiding in others. Yet if I was able to talk to you, and you also mentioned you are going through some stuff, there is mutual trust and benefit that we can both share and support each other through our situations. There is a shared vulnerability, even if the situation is completely different. In fact I will probably learn a lot by listening to your situation about how to prevent things in my life or manage things in my life. I think we need to practice that more in our community, to learn to lean on one another. The community is a system, we need to all play our part in making sure that we do really try out best to help those that open up and ask for help. The point of this joon was never to have the perfect everything and then just die. We should stop making it that- stop making it about our image and status and everything else. If we aren’t honest with ourselves especially, we cant get to a space of actually getting advice from Guru Ji, and living in Anand because we are hiding from our own problems. Hiding from each other’s problems, or problems in the community doesn’t work either.

Sikhi is so vast and interesting and we could be applying all these concepts to so many different issues, and learning on so many different levels. I think we are missing out on those deep conversations. We are missing out on true connections where we actually engage in conversations about how to overcome societal problems, and personal problems. As someone used to seeing growth, learning, and positivity out of each situation and using it to deepen my Sikhi, i have been having a hard time accepting Hukam lately. How many times have you woken up joyous to be alive in the morning, appreciative of your breath and then all of a sudden feel like there's something wrong? A minute later you realize, yes in fact, something upsetting did happen. It hits like a shock and it's hard to let it sink in after you had those joyous, exciting, carefree seconds initially. Maybe you had that with covid- walking down the street, enjoying the sun, and then suddenly see someone in a mask and realize there's a pandemic- people are dying. There is a big role for chardi kala, positivity/optimism, but that doesn’t mean hiding or ignoring problems, and covering them up as if everything is fine. This is especially true for ignoring societal and community problems. Address the issue and then keep the spirits up by actually applying skills. That awful feeling tells you there is work to be done on this issue, feelings to be resolved. I understand the need for privacy. We won't be blabbing around town about our whole life, but we also can't be stuck in isolation either. The very characteristic of our Sikh community is that we do help each other, that I can go to any Sikh and expect that they will act in the highest manner of confidentiality, and of helping you get through. I think we need to be responsible and all uphold our part in that. Systems don't fail because of one person. They fail because of a number of mechanisms. We have to ensure that our community also doesn't fail others, or ourselves by isolating ourselves.