Answering Questions, Living Up to Your Identity

Growing up, I always felt a pressure to represent Sikhi well. In my mind, the question would be “ what if this is the only Sikh person that this individual meets/has met, and I don’t answer their questions adequately?”

Being the only Sikh in my class, I would get asked tons of questions. About my beliefs, about my long hair, about my clothes if I was wearing something traditional. For a child, it’s somewhat overwhelming. It points out the fact that you are different. I recall a simple project in elementary school: bring a family photo to class and talk about it, pass it around. Well in our family photo we were all wearing traditional clothes. I got SO MANY questions. Over time, I think I just got used to the fact that I would have to answer the same questions over and over. And have a bunch of random people asking me questions about my hair wherever, whenever- at the mall, airport, etc., at the most inconvenient of times. But those were the simple questions. Those were the easy ones, those were the ones that I was prepared for.

As I have grown up, the questions are harder and more complicated. Rooted in religious and cultural issues. Someone asked me a couple of years ago “If your parents don’t approve of who you want to marry, will they kill you?” with a serious and curious expression on their face. They weren’t joking, they really wanted the answer. I’m sure the shock was probably still evident on my face, despite my efforts to keep my jaw from dropping in horror! In my mind I was thinking: how could you ask that considering I don’t know you that well, you are making some serious judgments about my culture/religion and family; if you knew my parents, you certainly wouldn’t ask that; that is so offensive right now I don’t know how to reply. But somewhere within myself I managed to realize that it was so much better that they he was asking instead of assuming. That he had the courage to put his thoughts to words, and even though it stings, it gives me a chance to correct his assumptions. Wouldn’t it be so much worse if he had just gone on thinking that? Now my answer doesn’t come out angry, defensive, like an attack on the person asking, closing down communication when it’s actually an opportunity for learning. (Of course these questions come at the most inconvenient of times... I had just written one exam and was about to write another!) 

Since then, I have realized that people asking questions has helped me learn. Learn about myself, learn about my religion. Learn about the cultural contexts in which this is all happening. I do my best to share what I learn. I become less concerned about answering perfectly, as if I knew everything, and more interested in answering to the best of my abilities and taking the time to think more about it later, dig deeper. I use it as an opportunity to ask other people questions, and to ask myself more questions. 

Guide to attending the Gurdwara/Sikh Temple

Nishan Sahib image from
http://www.sikhiwiki.org/index.php/Nishan_Sahib 

A Sikh temple is also called a Gurdwara. Here is a guide to attending a Sikh temple. 

There is no smoking, consumption of alcohol or drugs on the temple premises. When you attend the temple you will notice that there is a triangular orange flag outside the temple. This is called the Nishan Sahib. The nishan sahib helps for people from far and wide to be able to find the temple.  It has a khanda (the symbol for our religion) on it. The double edged sword itself in the middle is also called a khanda. And there are two kirpans (swords) on either side and a chakkar or circle.

The double edged sword symbolizes divine knowledge/one God.The two kirpans represent the balance between Piri (spiritual sovereignty. It reminds us of our spiritual role in praying, etc.) and Miri (political sovereignty. It reminds us of our worldly roles in fighting against injustice).The circle inside symbolizes God without beginning or end, and a symbol of oneness of humanity

Khanda, image from
http://www.sikhiwiki.org/index.php/Khanda 

Inside the temple there will be an area to put your shoes. Men’s and women’s sides will be opposite to each other. After you remove your shoes, you should wash your hands and cover your head (no hats please). There are head coverings provided if you don’t already have one. We remove our shoes and cover our heads as a sign of respect. When attending the temple it’s important to wear something comfortable yet modest as you will be sitting on the ground.  

In the front of the main hall you will see the Sri Guru Granth Sahib Ji. These are our holy scriptures. There were 10 Gurus in Sikhism and the 10^th, Guru Gobind Singh Ji, passed on the guruship to the Sri Guru Granth Sahib Ji, therefore we treat our Sri Guru Granth Sahib Ji as our living Guru. It has the writings of the Sikh Gurus, and also many Hindus and Muslims. You will notice the scriptures are covered in a cloth. That is called the Ramala Sahib and is changed every week. When you walk up to the Guru Granth Sahib Ji you can stand and say a prayer and offer some money if you’d like. Then you will bow down to the Sri Guru Granth Sahib Ji. Note we are bowing down to the Divine light and knowledge of the Guru, not the physical book. We do not do idol worship in Sikhism. Just as a king sits on a throne, we have a Manji sahib for the Guru Granth Sahib. The canopy above is called a chanani. You may have observed that there is a person standing behind the Guru Granth Sahib waving a Chaur Sahib. This is used to fan the Guru Granth Sahib out of respect, just as young people used to wave fans for their elders in their homes and people waved them for the emperors.  

Sri Guru Granth Sahib Ji. Image from 

http://www.sikhiwiki.org/index.php/File:Guru%27s_throne_w_captions_v2.jpg 

The men sit on one side of the temple and the women sit on another side. (The explanation I have heard is because of opposite polar energies, and because it helps to keep people focused. But I think it’s probably more cultural than religious, as some Gurdwaras do not follow this.) We sit on the ground for equality. It’s important to remember not to sit with legs extended/feet turned towards the Sri Guru Granth Sahib, or stand with your back turned to the Guru Granth Sahib as this is considered disrespectful. It’s okay to turn around and walk back to your seat, etc. though. 

The service consists of playing music (usually the harmonium, but sometimes other instruments ranging from violin to sitar are used) while singing hymns. You may see men, women or children singing hymns on the stage. Children are usually in Punjabi classes on Sundays however. The Gyani (similar to a priest; he is knowledgeable spiritually and lives at the temple) will explain some of the meanings of the hymns and explain stories from our history. People in the audience will often sing along to the hymns. At around 12 pm (or later if there is a special event) we do a prayer collectively called Anand Sahib and then we stand up for a collective prayer, the Ardas. People stand with their hands folded/joined. In this prayer, we remember the sacrifices made by Sikhs before us, and we thank God for what we have, and specific people can ask to have their prayers read aloud as well.  There are parts in the prayer where we remember God by saying his name aloud, Waheguru. At the end everyone bows down and stands up again. Once the Gyani says “Bole So Nihal” (whoever utters the phrase following shall be fulfilled), everyone replies “Sat Sri Akal” (Eternal is the Lord). And then “Waheguru Ji Ka Khalsa, Waheguru Ji Ki fateh" (Hail the Khalsa that belongs to God, and Hail God to whom belongs the victory).  Then we sit to listen to the hukamnama, the reading of a hymn from the Guru Granth Sahib which is taken as the order of God for the day. Once this is concluded, there are usually announcements and the kara parshad/degh is handed out. This probably best described as “pudding” although it is thicker consistency, and is made of flour, butter, and sugar. It is handed out as a blessing. During the Ardas you may have observed that someone stirred the degh with a small kirpan (sword) signifying it has been blessed by the Guru. Langar is served downstairs once the service is concluded. Langar is a free kitchen. Volunteers from the community prepare the food and share it with the community. Again, everyone sits together on the floor- whether it’s a king or a poor person, for equality.  Everyone is welcome to attend.

Although anyone is welcome at the temple anytime, for those not familiar with the temple it may be best to go on Sundays when there are lots of people around to explain and there is a service. People come and go as they please, but the service on Sundays is usually from about 10-1230 and then langar is served.

References:

http://www.sikhiwiki.org/index.php/Nishan_Sahib

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nishan_Sahib

http://www.sikhiwiki.org/index.php/Khanda

http://www.sikhiwiki.org/index.php/Miri_Piri

http://www.sikhiwiki.org/index.php/Guru_Granth_Sahib

http://www.sikhismguide.org/granth.aspx

https://www.reddit.com/r/Sikh/comments/3s36lx/why_is_it_that_bowing_before_sggs_is_not/

http://fateh.sikhnet.com/sikhnet/youth.nsf/c4c37733ae589b948725657e000dc8f5/de189cbc2646c24d872568ce0062d5e9!OpenDocument

http://www.realsikhism.com/index.php?subaction=showfull&id=1248366694&ucat=7

http://www.sikhmarg.com/english/chapter05.html

http://www.sikhiwiki.org/index.php/Ardas

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bole_So_Nihal

http://www.sikhiwiki.org/index.php/Ardas_English_Translation

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hukamnama

http://www.sikhiwiki.org/index.php/Kara_Parshad

http://www.sikhiwiki.org/index.php/Langar

http://www.sikhiwiki.org/index.php/Chaur_sahib

http://www.realsikhism.com/index.php?subaction=showfull&id=1248366790&ucat=7

http://www.sikh-studies.co.uk/khanda.htm

http://slideplayer.com/slide/9172984/

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Waheguru

http://www.sikhiwiki.org/index.php/File:Guru%27s_throne_w_captions_v2.jpg

Taking Care of Ourselves

As I mentioned in my old posts about examining values, I have spent a great deal of time thinking about my values. I think a lot of people share values of care-taking and self-sacrifice, and I thought I would write about my own journey in examining this value and realizing the balance that lies in the individual and other people.

A wave of exhaustion hits me. Worry. About my friends, family, patients, the stranger crying on the street, the people I see on the news. Worry that pervades into my dreams at night, tossing and turning so that I’m never rested enough. Each human being full of so much value that my heart cries out at their suffering. Only able to tuck the pain away in my pocket temporarily, and when I step away and the time passes, it creeps out and expands more and more until it cannot be ignored. I replay old conversations- what if I hurt that person? Didn’t provide enough empathy, compassion, didn’t listen well enough, made them more broken? I analyze their face as they talk, hoping that my words don’t stab and injure them again and again as they remember, leaving an emotional scar that causes them to filter everything they say to me. I know the risk it takes in being vulnerable, the courage in sharing your deepest fears and feelings, only to have the person in front of you minimize, misunderstand, make you feel like a bad person, and completely invalidate your emotions. Sometimes we are just abandoned. I never wanted to be that person for someone else, but there came a day when I realized that perhaps I have abandoned myself.

I grew up with a strong sense of responsibility for other people. I’m a Sikh- I’m supposed to help others- it’s in the essence of my soul, in my blood. There are Sikhs before me that sacrificed their lives, what small sacrifice is my time and energy then? And I set out to take care of others. To give up my own needs or desires for other people.

We all learn the message “take care of yourself” growing up. But actually it’s more complicated than that. I think back to when they lectured us on getting enough sleep at the start of medical school and then made us work 30+ hour shifts. There are systems in place that enforce the value that you shouldn’t take care of yourself. And really if you follow that in every aspect of your life, people quickly use it against you. Plus, you can hear the message “take care of yourself,” but not understand the deeper ways in which your other values conflict with that. I read a book recently called Four Agreements, which talks about the agreements we make with ourselves (about our beliefs). It helped me ask myself more questions to get at the core of my beliefs. My agreements, therefore, would be:

“I’m responsible for other people’s feelings and their lives.”

 “I have to sacrifice my needs and desires because other people’s lives matter more.”

When you write it out like that, it doesn’t look so good does it?!

The first one I didn’t realize I was carrying around until recently. But other people choose their reactions to situations, and they are responsible for their own lives. It’s a huge weight to be going around feeling responsible for the world! What other people choose to do, furthermore, is out of my control. Waheguru is our caretaker. I don’t need to be carrying around that responsibility. I remembered this from the Sri Guru Granth Sahib (page 10): “For each and every person, our Lord and Master provides sustenance. Why are you so afraid, O mind? The flamingos fly hundreds of miles, leaving their young ones behind. Who feeds them, and who teaches them to feed themselves? Have you ever thought of this in your mind?” (1,2)

Second- “I have to sacrifice my needs and desires because other people’s lives matter more.” I matter, just like each person I meets matters. Asserting your own needs is necessary, not selfish. How can you continually help other people if you carry around your own pain? If your own bowl is empty, you cannot feed another. The best thing a person can do to help other people is to help themselves first. That’s cliché isn’t it? I’ve hear that a hundred times probably! But to practice it is actually a lot harder when I was still carrying around the same belief. Putting ourselves as the first person who matters is difficult when we spend our lives caring for other people. Setting up a boundary so not ask to make that person’s problem your own is even harder. But I realized I can still be a kind and caring person, without sacrificing my own needs including protecting myself emotionally.

Maybe the underlying agreements for the value of self-sacrifice will be different for different people, but using these examples we can see how we can’t change how we act without examining the underlying reasons why we keep returning to that. I found myself “learning” that my needs are important temporarily, and then I would keep going back to putting myself on the bottom of the list of people that were important. Until I realized the reasons I believed it and “disarmed” those reasons, I wasn’t able to change anything.

Questions to consider when you are thinking about your agreements (3):
How much do i believe it?  (0= not at all, 100= totally)
Where does it come from? (childhood, someone said something, an event)
If I don't change this belief, what are the consequences for me?
What's a better agreement? How much do i believe it? What is the evidence to support it? 

References:

1 https://www.goodreads.com/author/quotes/333495.Guru_Nanak

2 http://www.srigranth.org/servlet/gurbani.gurbani?Action=Page&Param=10&fb=1&h=0&r=0&english=t&id=466#l466
3 http://www.aliceboyes.com/cognitive-behavior-therapy-blog-straightforward-guide-to-cbt/