Freeze-Thaw

I've always been an emotional person. I tend to feel things very intensely whether they are pictures, art, music, or real life events. Something this week made me think very differently about that part of myself. 

I’ve been listening to a audiobook by Dr. Krisitin Neff on self-compassion this week while driving to work. She mentioned that one of the reasons we are not self-compassionate is that we think that we are being motivational to ourselves by having an inner critic. That whole idea of get up and go. I think I definitely have thought of my own voice inside of myself as motivational, as how I have gotten this far in life. It tells me to get going, rush, go do this or that, there’s no time to dilly dally. That voice has told me that to feel would just be a waste of time right now, when the times are tough, and to just stop wasting it and start doing, start performing and we can feel it later. All those important feelings, the ones that are deeper than simply being happy or sad, the feelings like inadequacy, or rejection, or betrayal, or fear, the ones like feeling unworthy, vulnerable, threatened, humiliated, lonely… these ones always got covered up because I was too busy for them. Neff asks us to think about how much motivated a person is from a place of loving kindness, than they are doing something out of fear, anxiety, or stress. So I asked myself today if I am not wanting to let go of this mean voice inside, because I think it is benefitting me in some way, because this voice has gotten me through everything I've been through. It told me to wake up on days I didn’t want to move out of bed because my body hurt and to get to work. It told me to keep going when I had loss and heartbreak and sickness. I spent most of my training fearing I was failing, telling myself I wasn’t enough and had to be more, working longer hours, studying longer hours, pushing myself hard .... you know the story. This was despite objective evidence that it was quite the opposite, I was the top of my class, winning awards, getting positive feedback. I was afraid that if I allowed myself to let that sink in, and let it get to my head, I wouldn’t be good at what I do anymore. That I would lose my will and drive to be better and I wanted to be the best at what I do. 

Now I actually don’t know how much that voice actually added. Maybe it did get me here but it harmed me too. I haven't felt everything I had put off feeling. I am trying to sit with it and digest it now, absorb the totality of the last few years. My mind did such a good job of protecting me from feeling what I had no time and no skills to feel when it did (something I learned from Jackson Mackenzie's book Whole Again). It’s job was to keep me busy and it certainly did. It kept me busy in work, and when it wasn't that, on elaborate, large projects. I couldn't absorb the enormity of what I was going through. I would let out some tears here and there but that was more of just being overwhelmed at the list of things that added than actually sitting and feeling what I was experiencing. I don’t need a voice that is not compassionate to myself. I offer compassion and love to the world and I would much rather spend my life motivating myself from a loving place, from one where I feel like I’m constantly not good enough- from fear and anxiety. And now I am just sitting in feeling. I’m not asking it to tell stories or be certain things, I’m just letting it come. 

The distractions still exist because we have to do our work. So I do, I get home late and eat dinner late, but now at lunch instead of rushing I remind myself that I get at least 5-10 minutes to me. Now at bedtime and in the morning, I remind myself of the same. At least a little bit of time to just feel life. To just be in the moment and not ahead or behind, just existing. 

Today I was thinking I don’t know why I haven’t just travelled, gone places by myself enjoying the world's experiences (besides corona). Because I haven’t liked stopping and feeling what it is to just BE. And sitting and feeling is horribly difficult, but I also feel more alive than I’ve felt in a long time. I have spent years feeling half dead and not knowing how to describe what that means is not just a physical exhaustion from not sleeping and being tired, but no amount of sleep and rest could fix. It was the half-dead of burying part of me to survive, and it's finally waking up. Lately I've found it just sitting and feeling, that feeling that is in my chest, and stomach, and deep inside, that I always run from and to allow myself to let it in and know that it will not consume me, and it will free me. And it's so hard. It feels like I will hemorrhage out and it will never end. But I know it needs to be done. I might not be fully within myself in this moment, but at least I'm looking in all the right places. 

Mental Health Supports

I just wanted to write a post about mental health supports during the pandemic. I think every single person I have spoken to this week was sinking in one way or another. A lot of people go through seasonal affective disorder during these months, where their mood dips seasonally because of winter, but this year we have added challenges of the pandemic restrictions. There are many layers to the complexity of how the pandemic is affecting people’s mental health in an adverse way, because it’s not just the mask wearing, fear of covid, working frontlines and seeing people dying, financial challenges, changes in schooling, etc. but it’s also restricting our coping mechanisms, and taking away joyous opportunities for connection, taking away the normal process of grief, re-triggering trauma, etc. 

The last thing a friend or anyone else would ever want is for someone to never have asked for help and to struggle alone. We are here for each other through the ups and downs, and you aren’t alone if you are struggling with your mental health whether it is in the context of covid or not. I would encourage you to reach out to the above resources, and in a crisis situation there is always the emergency department or 911. It is not a sign of weakness to ask for help, rather I it is a sign that we are doing the right thing when we make sure that we are taking care of ourselves. I think it’s important for us to acknowledge that we could all probably use a counsellor in our lives, whether it is for a crisis situation like someone died, or the ongoing stresses of daily life, tensions in a relationship, or past issues. It can take time to find a good match but the benefit of having someone who can support us in developing skills, and finding and doing our own inner work is so huge. 

Self-work is actually the hardest layer of work to do- the awareness of peeling away the layers protecting what’s underneath. It’s the kind that no one rewards, but teaches us what we are made of. It is being comfortable in the silence and feeling fully everything you are going through, to stop running and burying yourself in staying busy. I know that has been my pattern for a long time, to bury myself in work and accomplishments and slowing down with the pandemic has now taught me that there is a lot more going on under that than I realized. Sometimes that helps, and is ok to use that distraction and to keep going because we need to in order to survive, and sometimes we have to slow down and just stop to deal with what's under it. It's ultimately just a coping mechanism used to protect the brain. As we dread on with this pandemic, I am hoping you all find ways to keep your chardi kala spirit like the protesting farmers have, that you find ways to keep that strength alive and keep up the fight. If you are feeling like your light has dimmed and you are tired, know that it isn’t an inherent mistake of yours, you aren’t alone, and there is help. Here's a list of supports: 

 

In BC: https://www2.gov.bc.ca/gov/content/health/managing-your-health/mental-health-substance-use/virtual-supports-covid-19

For youth: https://foundrybc.ca 

Worldwide South Asian counsellors (some free some pay): https://southasiantherapists.org

Punjabi Community Health Services (Canada): https://pchs4u.com

CMHA: https://cmha.ca/news/covid-19-and-mental-health

Crisis and other resources: https://mindyourmind.ca/help/where-call

There are also some great mental health apps. I haven't decided which ones I like yet but I'll post when I have checked them out. You can also check out guided meditations, simran, or sleep music on youtube. 

Gentle

 “Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” —Rumi

As I washed my hair in the shower today, I reminded myself to be kind, gentle and loving the same way I am with other people. I thought of my Massis and Buas, and the women in my life, how self-sacrificing they are. I thought of how they give and give, until they wilt into the definitions of their roles- who they care for, what they do, what they contribute. I thought about the thousands of women who trained like me, who relate to this feeling of sacrifice. We spent our young years sitting at desks studying instead of outside living. To paraphrase one of the women, we couldn’t eat, or sleep, or go to the bathroom when we needed because this is what survival was in our training. 10 years of delayed gratification and we are stuck in a role of continually sacrificing. It’s not a matter of whether you are a working woman, a homemaker, of what roles you play, there is something wrong here. 

 

I think back to my 16 year old self, that confident girl, who knew how much spark there was inside her, how talented she was. In the years that have passed, I have added depth, dimension, and colour to her. Yet I have eroded so much of my core being that I can no longer enjoy her flavour. Sacrifice is huge in our Sikh history. It is a theme that we teach our children- to be compassionate, empathetic, to give to humanity, because they are your own. We teach them to love and care for others, and to be like all the amazing shaheeds in our history. To be like those Singhniya who endured so much hardship and still were in chardi kala. We teach our children to be strong. I got here by teaching my mind to have faith and to be flexible, to be understanding, to put myself in other people’s shoes, and to get where they are coming from. If I had to give part of my life up to my profession, I gladly gave it because that was what was needed, because we are givers, we are healers, we are ones who came here to serve other people. As much as sacrifice is an important concept though, there is something wrong with this overall picture. This cannot be the right way to teach our Sikh, or Punjabi girls, our women, to give everything of themselves away until there is nothing left. It is natural to want to feed and nurture others, but we can’t get anywhere if we can’t be nurturing to ourselves. I am struggling to think of TV shows of women from India nurturing themselves even, they always seem to play the same role. I am realizing there is a difference in understanding other perspectives and doing it at the expense of invalidating your own voice. 

 

I think back to our history. We aren’t describing people with low-self esteem, or who lacked confidence. None of our famous Sikhs are described as what I am describing here. Instead, they had this universal loving energy, that came from a strong sense of core being. They had an abundant joy to give that came from respecting and loving oneself equal to others. Megan Logan writes in her Self-Love Workbook for women, “For women, nurturing has its roots in survival. In early hunting and gathering societies, women’s activities centered around bearing and rearing children, gathering food and drink, and creating a safe home space. Today, as women, we often find ourselves taking care of our children, our parents, our friends, our lovers. We extend grace and compassion toward others so easily, yet we often struggle to make space and time to put ourselves first.” Rumi’s quote at the top of this post comes back to the concept that love is the universal life energy, it is Waheguru. It is our natural state for us to love ourselves, and to love others, but we have been burdened by maya to create a doubt in that. 

I think we should encourage a different message to ourselves, and over time those will be the messages that our girls and young women will pick up, that they are enough in themselves, that their feelings are valid, that they are whole and complete on their own. I think we are working on the messages of creating independence in young women but we still push the message of self-sacrifice and those are conflicting values. We can sacrifice without giving away all of our selves, because when we give all of us, we cannot sustain it. It comes from a finite pool. When it comes from the universal energy of God, it is an infinite pool. Uplifting each other, other Kaurs, means helping to make sure that we support each other in taking care of ourselves- whether that is our physical, mental, or spiritual health. That means reminding each other you don’t need to do everything right away. Take a moment when you get home to eat something before moving on with household chores, or putting away the groceries. Emails can be answered later, you need to sleep now. Encouraging each other in taking moments of rest, in moments of self-care, in moments of enjoying ourselves, our hobbies, the things that we love instead of suffocating each other with more expectations. It is found in loving and validating each other so that over time we learn to love and validate ourselves and see that we do matter just as much as other people. That inner child needs to learn to put herself first. 

Healing

Healing is not linear and healing is not a sprint. We all have some form of healing to do- the mind has travelled it’s own long journey over lifetimes to get here, but also there is the intergenerational trauma piece from ’47 and ’84, there is the piece of our families having immigrated and adapting to life here and our own lives. Sikhi has a huge part in itself to allowing us the key to that healing and allowing us to move through it. 

For the last month I wondered why when we are the most supported, or most loved, we have new healing to do. Why is it, when we are supposed to be doing our best, we are doing our worst all of a sudden, or seeing things about ourselves not seen. I got a really succinct answer from a friend who said the safety, supports, and abilities we have at the time that determine how much healing we can do, and you can only deal with the layers it is safe to do so. When we are in pure survival, trying to just make it moment by moment, we cannot dig deeper than that. The brain creates its own protection for us to do only so much, for us to explore only so much, because knowing more would crush us. It isn’t that we intentionally pretend and cover up the things that are not fine, I think our minds find ways to protect the parts of us that are the most vulnerable to save us. It is the times we are finally feeling comfortable, trusting, that we are safe to start to explore the deeper parts of ourselves, our stories, relationships, our family stories, etc. When we are loved, supported, and nurtured a lot can happen. We can learn to trust others again, we can learn to trust ourselves again, to love ourselves. The consistency of being loved is helpful because we can learn to rewire our brains. When parts are wounded and scarred, it isn’t too bad to have to show someone a battle scar, you know you came through. When parts are wounded and still raw, they are at risk for re-wounding. It is an act of courage and bravery to risk having that be seen, because it is at risk for a further injury. It takes a conscious effort then, to make that decision to let that go and share the raw wound as it is, to be seen for the vulnerability. It leaves us exposed. Brene Brown’s work tells us, we are safe to do that exposure, with our jelly bean friends- with the people in our lives who have earned it, we are safe to expose when people are all in. They aren’t just watching from the sidelines commenting- they are all in too, they are exposed as well, they have something to lose, because they are fighting it too. I got the gift in the last few months of being able to see it, to be able to see now the things that I need to keep working on. To see where my mind has been protecting me. To see where I avoid, where I run, where I hide, and where I seek comfort. This is an important thing to discover about ourselves. You can’t address something until you see it for yourself. Being smart has nothing to do with seeing where we are raw. Of course we can feel it, but I think our brains do a pretty good job of convincing us we are fine in ways that we aren't for the sake of our survival. They do a good job of saying, I don't know what the issue is, when the issue is one that we are not ready to look at. That's how we get up and go, that's how we act when we have nothing left. If we saw all the places we were wounded how would we find the courage to move. It is enlightening when the mind can finally let go and start showing us those places so we can allow them to let go. 

If we are scared to share our boundaries, it is because they have been violated before. If we are scared to trust, it is because it has been betrayed before. It we are scared to share a piece of our story, it is because it has been used against us at some time. We must be kind to ourselves in our journeys. 

 

We spend our whole lives growing, that is really the purpose of Sikhi. To be bettering ourselves each day. Yet a lot of growth comes in small bursts, in those bursts we can heal a lot. It isn’t that a lot of growth necessitates years of time. It again depends on what we have around for tools, supports, safety, etc. A lot of healing is done alone-sometimes we need time to just not focus on giving, on other people, but just on ourselves. That healing is done inside while we connect to God. I spent years on that type of healing, the kind where we process information, use our spirit, our willpower, where we use our faith to get us through. Some of our healing is done that is guided by others. Some of our healing is done through friendships. What we need at a particular time will change. There are so many layers of self- the body’s needs, the needs of trusting, safety, unwinding, resting, connection, creativity, higher thinking, the spirit’s needs… The pandemic has changed our ability to get what we need. I think it’s really important for us to recognize that growth might look different during the pandemic. Learning how to address our needs is something that we sometimes just have to try out in different ways and see what works and what doesn't. 

Selfish or Selfless

I am not selfish but I realized I can no longer be selfless. Giving and healing others is my joy, sharing my love and passion for life is everything in me. It grows exponentially when nurtured. It just hasn’t been nurtured properly for a long time. The pandemic started and it took away my ability to just share that. It took away the things that fill my cup and I have withered away. Every little while there is a wisp of rejuvenation. There is a whisper of new life into me. I write poems, I sing, I make music and art. I get excited to share everything I have, over bounding with so much joy. It doesn’t last for long, when you keep filling up everyone else at the cost of you. 

I finally spent some time at the end of December, just doing things I loved. Eating what I loved, doing things I enjoyed, just letting go of everything else and letting the world slip away. I don’t need to give to be worthy, and to be enough. I started to understand what it means to get gratitude in the little things and I started to heal the parts of me that were scared to feel relaxed, carefree, to trust that the other shoe wasn’t going to drop, that I could dream big and let it become real, and have faith in God that it would. I made a mistake, stepping out while still raw because it only shook me. 

 

I take dreams and I make them real, I plan them, and the betrayal of losing something that made you excited, and made you motivated, and hopeful, is hard. Dreams push life forward. The idea of something new, fun, bigger than you. I had a dream for the summer that died when the pandemic struck, of travels and a new life. That was ok for the time being, to have left that behind. At some point, I just stopped wanting anything ever again because what was the point if dreams just go to die. I did do it, I did step out into the unknown, the plank of the ship, the place where you aren’t sure what will happen next. I jumped for it, head first but it wasn’t the time. 

 

Dreams don’t end, they have a time and space. They have a place where they belong. Maybe they aren’t meant for today, and for them to be fully real, and enjoyable, and for them to be authentic, then we need to be in a different space- spiritually, mentally, emotionally, or physically. Maybe they weren’t a good fit for us at all, like my dream of being a fashion designer. All I know is that dreaming is interconnected deeply with caring for yourself. You can’t recover very well when you are drowning, after having jumped head first when you aren’t ok. What I mean to say is that, if you aren’t in a good space yourself, your cup is not full, and you take a chance and it fails, it’s hard to reset. If you jumped head first and you have a buffer, it’s different. 

 

I don’t like when people say I’m perfect. If they knew what I was thinking most of the time, they could understand. I think I try to be the best version of myself, but somewhere in the years of training that have passed, what was criticism that was supposed to make me better, has turned into a version of myself telling me that the best version of myself cannot be pleased with what I am today, and content in the moment. It is self-judgements and not ones towards others, what I am tolerant of from someone else is not what is acceptable of myself, I know better. I can do better. It’s not that I am wanting to be perfect, there is no perfect. But I strive for more, and more, until I eroded being able to see myself for what I am. I have hundreds of awards to tell me how great I am, but if I can’t see it for myself, it doesn’t matter. I feel like seeing what I am, and what I’ve become and how far I am, would be egotistical. For me to revel in worldly accomplishments, in degrees, in beauty, is just not me. If you want to see the story behind the sherni, you must be worthy of hearing it. It didn’t just happen. I’m not the type that shows up and tells everyone who I am, what I am, because what defines me after all? Nothing. Everything there is, belongs to God. Everything “I” am, is not mine. 

 

This mind has travelled with me for 8.4 million lifetimes, with the past impressions and every story that it carries with it. Here today, it comes and how can I say that it is nothing. It is everything. It is on its journey home. The gratitude and appreciation that comes, for this body, for what God has given, for everything that makes up this life, can only come if you don’t act out of ego, but also consider it all as on a level playing field. Just like other people are everything to me, I can give and give, I should be giving that much to the inside too. What is outside is inside. I got a hukam today after my ardas, the one that was singing in the form of a shabad all day. “My beloved lover is always and forever beautiful. He is my hope and inspiration. Pause.” Raag soohi, the raag of love. I remembered that shabad, over and over through the day and I love that line, He is my hope and inspiration.

I won't search in places I don't belong anymore, and run in crowds where I am not seen and heard. There is magic here, in this brain, these fingers, love in these arms, and passion in these eyes, that are just wanting to be seen. But the person I wanted to see them, was actually me. I think I should have realized when I was hospitalized that I need to stop running to help people when I can't move, but I have learned that the mind is stronger than anything and I do have that capability. I have the ability to get up and go even if I'm injured, even if I can't breathe, because to preserve another is to serve God. Yet somehow where did I forget to preserve myself. You should not to go places where you are chased away, unseen, and unvalidated, where your talents are considered nothing, where your beauty is ugly, where your time and love is without meaning. How do you feel safe where disrespect is the punishment for asking for what you need or want and you become too afraid to ask anymore. Basic things. Where you expend everything into care, and get nothing in return. Somehow over time you don't know what is real, what is normal. Years of this type of friendship taught me this is where spirits go to die. It is a psychological warfare not for the weary and eventually I just got tired. No matter who puts you in this space, you should not go to these places in your own mind. I am not selfish, but I need to be now, to spread my wings and find my way. I am not selfish, but I need to be less selfless and realize that no one else's opinion of me is more important than mine, that no one else's definition of me is more important, that no one else is in my shoes, that no one else has lived what I have lived and thrived, and accomplished what I have. Many times I have been told I did the impossible. As much support as I have, I don't know a single person who thought I could actually do this besides myself, and the only thing that drove me to this point, that has pushed my mind and body to do things that it wouldn't be possible to do, was God. It comes back to that Rahao. My friend called my a few days back, "how are you standing and have not yet collapsed? how do you move out of bed in the mornings? I don't understand." Willpower, I have realized, is the strongest asset. No matter what, you keep moving. Today's impossible means loving myself so much that it doesn't matter what anyone says of me, or does, that I keep my heart open- for myself. I will do that impossible with my willpower.  

What Does Support Look Like?

I think during the pandemic this is a really important area especially, of how do we support our friends, our family members, and others in the community especially as we ourselves are finding we need support and might be sinking at times. Humans are wired for connection, and our evolutionary survival depends on us interacting with others, and relying on each other for support. 

What exactly does support look like? I think it can look so many different ways. One day I brought my friend her cat's medications from the vet because she was quarantined at home. My friend randomly dropped off a book for me to read of lovely poems. It can look like my mom calling me in the evening, or my dad messaging and asking me how I am, sending me Hukamnamas and things to read. It can sound like someone reaching out to ask how you are because they are worried about you. It can look like a phone call or a facetime call. It can look like someone making you food when you are too sick to move. It can be my cousin doing his homework while i sit by and do my own stuff on facetime, or me doing my notes while he does his rubix cube. 

Support from afar can be hard. It's not the day and age of holding someone's hand and giving them a hug. It's not the time now for us to be meeting up somewhere when someone is down. Virtual support can look like a supportive text, sending something that says you care, positivity, a card, a letter, it can look like a well wish and a prayer. 

Maybe the other person will never even know. I do simran for people sometimes, when I am worried about how they are doing. I focus my attention on that energy of love, that energy of healing that is contained in Gurbani, in the being that cares for all of us and connects us all, that is within all of us, that is you and me. That energy I am sure reaches that person. Maybe people need space and freedom and want to be alone. Support can be letting them know that you are there if they need you, but it's ok for them to take their time to breathe and sleep and eat and just survive. Base survival is hard, let them know they aren't alone. Support can mean love from afar. It can mean we don't talk all the time, but when we do, you know i'm there dedicated to you. Support can be listening. It can be sitting in the silence together. 

The times are tough. It's not always the right way or the wrong way. We can't always support someone in every way, and our own needs might be met in different people, places, relationships, and things. It might be listening to music together. Yesterday what made my day was driving home and looking over and seeing this woman in the passenger seat give me this gigantic smile. It was a soulful smile, a smile that changed my day. It can be making people laugh. It can be lightening up the mood. My dad loves to do that. It can be running errands, volunteerism, telling someone they can do it. Encouragement.  

The biggest thing i have found is that support means patience. It means being patient with someone's feelings, being patient with hard conversations, being patient with the ups and downs, having faith in each other, it means having faith in God, it means being patient with giving space, and it means not being selfish. It means not always looking to what you want but helping other people in what they absolutely need to survive. Support often means helping someone knowing there is no repayment, not asking for something back, just giving with love. It means trust.