What is your definition of what it means to be a man, and where did it come from? We have been exploring these topics at different times over the last couple of years, including in the posts “Male Shame and Resilience” as well as “Male Privilege” Parts 1 and 2. Each time I learned more about my own biases, assumptions and how I understand my role in life. I think the topic of male emotions in particular needs to be revisited today as we still aren’t having those conversations within the Indo-Canadian or South Asian community. I saw a video on Sikh Channel where a man (Juggy Sidhu) talks about his experience with depression and how the mask of who he was supposed to be was a barrier to him getting help. This mask that men have been socialized to accept is intertwined in issues of violence against women, anger, aggression, gangs, substance abuse, and relationship problems. Despite this, we would rather gather to talk about any of these issues than to talk about why we won't allow men to express their feelings.
In video after video I saw the same definitions of what a man is expected to be in western society. Tony Porter, a TED speaker, calls this “the man box”, which he defines as someone who doesn’t cry or show weakness, demonstrates power and control, aggressive and dominant, protector, does not behave like a woman or gay man, heterosexual, tough/athletic/strong, does not need help, and views women as property/objects. Again, a common theme in the videos was that men talked about how this box of expectations has impacted them deeply in their lives and was instilled in them at a young age. Ryan McKelly describes in his talk that we have the misconception that it is natural for men to be less expressive, but actually studies show boys are more creatively expressive than girls when they are young. It is not until we teach them what is culturally acceptable for them to express- anger, contempt, pride, silence, that they change. (We see all of these quite frequently in our South Asian community as well). They further stop being able to learn to identify their own emotions and have less awareness of the emotions of others, which affects their relationships, compassion and empathy. He suggests that men do not need to lose what makes them unique, but do need to be allowed to have emotions, which is a human characteristic and not a gendered one.
In the Sikh Channel video I discussed earlier, Juggy Sidhu ties all of these issues together when describing his life. He described how when he moved for university, he developed a conflict about who he was, on top of pressure for not achieving certain milestones like “being married at 24.” He covered up his depression with alcoholism and expressed himself through anger, silence, and isolation. He described how the masks as “leader” and “breadwinner” prevented him from being able to express that he had depression, and it was only once the silence was broken that he healed. From his story we can see the common themes we have discussed today and how the mask can create a situation which plagues our community today- anger, aggression, alcoholism, and lack of communication in relationships. This cycle perpetuates as long as the suffocating ideals of the “man box” exist.
I recognize that this is a tough thing to shift if you have grown up with a certain mindset and maybe also still live in a household where these values are upheld. At the same time I think that if men can see how this box impacts them negatively, they will be able to make changes for the next generation. The men in the videos below are proof of that change. As a woman that also means that I ensure I neither constantly expect men to be vulnerable, nor do I run from that vulnerability when they do share it. Creative expression was written into who we are as Sikhs, and so was bravery and courage- we are inherently taught that life is a balance. Sadly, we have forced men into a corner that robs them of this emotion, creativity, and connection. This gender is our costume for this life and we should not let it define us so deeply, and become so attached to it that we lose what is so special about this life. If we look at the most connected Gurmukhs who are fully immersed in Naam, we see those qualities of love, emotion, and creativity and those are the ones we should all be embracing.
References
