We have been watching the issues of equality and violence against women being raised more frequently in the media. Unfortunately, media coverage is often fuelling unnecessary debates, creating an attitude of “us versus them” whether it is men versus women, or “good guys” versus “bad guys.” It is necessary for us to recognize that this is a complex and sensitive issue, and those types of conversations simply divide us rather than lead to healing, growth or positive change. I have been interested in this topic for a number of years, writing about our South Asian culture specifically. Recently after being threatened that I would be choked to death in my workplace, it has made me seriously reflect on the types of dangers I face in my day to day living as a woman. The state of our culture is affecting all of us. For example, we talked about how the “man box” adversely affects men’s lives. In this post, I aim to unite us by helping to shine a light on how men and women are both deeply impacted by violence perpetrated by men. We also discuss the complexities of sharing one’s story and the tools that Sikhi gives us to be resilient.
From Jackson Katz’s talk Violence Against Women- It’s a Men’s Issue or Tony Porter’s A Call to Men we recognize that men are central to this conversation about gender equality. As with previous posts, we recognize that women can also be perpetrators of violence but the majority of violence is perpetrated by men, and by exploring that we will recognize ways to change our current situation. We will expand on what we learned about the expectations placed on boys at a young age. Paul Kivel, an advocate against violence, writes, “The toughening up process for boys includes the message that the worst thing in the world they can be is feminine, i.e. a woman. They are getting a message not only about what men should be like, but about the inferiority of women.” Tony Porter further expands on this idea in his TED talk. He asked a young boy what would happen if his coach said he was playing like a girl, and the boy responded that he would be destroyed. Tony then asked the audience, “If it would destroy him to be told to play like a girl what are we teaching him about girls?” I was taken aback by this because many parents may not realize that this process of “not being weak” or “toughening up” children has any connection to gender equality. In the documentary, The Mask You Live In, young men revealed that one of the implications of having to wear a mask daily was social isolation. When the young men are asked to write down what others don’t know about them, then exchange answers, they realize they are all afraid to reveal their pain or anger to their friends. Some of them describe trying to remain in “control”, and as a result, their friends didn’t know about some of the most important struggles they were facing in their lives. Many of the boys were also scared to show intimacy for a male friend out of fears of having their sexuality questioned. Thus this idea of trying not to be weak or feminine has an enormous emotional effect. It was revealed that often the peer group was the one to reinforce and police other boys on how they should behave through bullying or violence. The documentary Tough Guise 2: Violence, Manhood & American Culture explains how this violence ends in assault against other men, jail sentences, expulsion from school, and suicide from bullying. Yet violence is not something inherently male, it is something that is learned (Rainey 2017). Tough Guise 2 explores specifically how the media normalizes violence as a solution to problems through TV, video games, music, and ads. Paul Kivel writes, “Boys are taught to accept violence as a manly response to real or imagined threats. At the same time, men get little training in negotiating intimate relationships. Moreover, in our patriarchal society, all too many men are raised to believe, or learn from their peers, that they have the ‘right’ to control ‘their’ women and children. The result is a tendency for many men to view difficulties in relationships as a threat to their manhood, and they respond with violence.” From this, we can see that the way that we as a society are teaching boys is resulting in many impacts for their friendships with other males, their own health and their relationships with women.
While we often focus on violence, there are many other ways of asserting power and control that don’t require physical force. Paul Kivel writes about how privilege can be used to coerce and pressure a woman. I think one of the most powerful ways this is used today is through silencing voices, whether it is done through individuals not listening and making assumptions, or on a larger level through breaking the confidence of those telling their stories to scare all others from speaking. Kivel summarizes, “Because we have pre-explained women’s needs, thoughts, and actions according to our male projections, it invariably comes as a surprise to us when women are hurt by and angry about our violence…Many men feel set up. We spend years learning a set of expectations about women’s services and think that we are just following the rules. In a sense we have been set up. We have been set up by the gender roles we were trained in and the expectations about women that we were led to believe were true.” I think this is a very powerful quote because it recognizes the role of the “set up”- of what we teach boys when they are young, and at the same time discusses how damaging it is to women when our voices are removed.
One of my friends shared her frustration that male colleagues repeatedly projected onto her how she should be feeling. Reflecting on her conversation, she told me, “why should anyone be expected to be objective about a traumatic experience they endured, to debate its pros and cons, to look at it from the other side?” This was a life-changing conversation for me because her comment made me realize the gift of my own voice. Despite the external pressures to question my experiences, what she was saying that the stories of those who are the minority do matter especially if it is not the story of the majority. It reminded me of when I tearfully explained the lasting effects of the genocide on the Sikhs to a male co-worker, when he came back having searched on the internet and retorted that there was no such thing, and if I wanted to prove “my version” I would have to show him. I also noticed this recently watching the show First Contact, which is about teaching people to address their stereotypes against the Indigenous people. The Caucasian individuals had put the onus on Indigenous people to “prove” their trauma was real, and that their “version” was one to be trusted. It was painful to see when someone has the courage to tell their heartbreaking story, that others would debate and deny that reality. On a larger scale, this has also happened with the #MeToo movement. This is complex to discuss, as although it had an empowering effect for many women, it also had the downside that it revealed people’s vulnerabilities to a media that largely “pre-explains” women’s thoughts through the lens of male privilege. Ephrat Livni writes: “#MeToo made me nervous. While it’s imperative to eradicate abuse, it seemed to me then that women were falling into a dangerous trap, sharing tales of our subjugation and humiliation for the titillation of a culture ultimately indifferent to women’s dignity or safety. I refused to say #MeToo, not because I’ve never dealt with abuses of power, but because I have and wouldn’t voluntarily grant anyone the opportunity to contemplate my humiliation or dismiss me as a mere victim. And I worried that as #MeToo unfolded, it was playing into an ancient narrative written by men, for men. In this story, if women are to be heard at all, it’s only when we talk about men and sex.” We should always also be mindful of the vulnerable process of sharing our stories- Brené Brown writes, “share with the people who earn the right to hear your story” which recognizes that we need to honor the process of vulnerability and balance it with the empowerment of sharing. Livni also speaks to how it is possible for others to assert control without using physical force on a large scale because people are their most vulnerable when sharing their stories. The organization Men Stopping Violence teaches that when men listen to women’s narratives of their experiences, it challenges this use of non-physical power. R. Crowley describes his own awakenings going through the training program, “my privilege always gives me permission to frame my perceptions as the Truth. This lie of entitlement - my privilege to describe the reality of women - gives a rape culture its life. It is the lie I wanted so badly to tell the class... When this lie is disallowed, our rape culture is challenged at its foundation.” This recognition that those who are privileged should not define the experience of those without it, and should instead listen, is key to breaking down this situation of silencing women's voices.
As Sikhs, we know that our Guru Jis taught us to advocate for gender equality and human rights. We can unite to advocate for a better future if we follow the path that they laid out for us. Firstly, Sikhi teaches us how to develop a healthy relationship with ourselves and others by teaching a love for God. When we make that spiritual connection it heals us of our trauma, emotional pains, and the ego that tells us we need power and control over another person. Healing is a deeply spiritual path, and reconnecting to the core of our being allows us to become advocates for humanity. Sikhi also teaches us how to express our emotions, vulnerability, and creativity through music, poetry, art, gatka, sports, etc., which allows us to learn valuable coping skills for life. We learn how to develop positive role models through sangat, which is especially important for males. We saw above how important it is not to be isolated and to have others to share your struggles with so they can help to uplift you. Sikhi also teaches us to examine our thinking patterns and what we input into our mind- social media, movies, ads, magazines- what seeds we are creating. Lastly, Sikhi teaches us accountability. We are given the skills to change our lives and the lives of those around us because Sikhi empowers us to live by the highest ethical standards by being one with God.
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On another note, this weekend we are commemorating the genocide in 1984 at the Gurdwara Sahib, and because last weekend there was a mix-up with the schedule we will also be celebrating the Parkash Divas Guru Ram Das Ji this weekend. Reminder that we have a program for Bandhi Chorr Divas coming up on Wed night.
