Here is the pdf download of this document for ease of printing (has better formatting)
The purpose of this document is multifold. I felt we were lacking on existing resources for Sikh couples to learn from and wanted to make a document that combines spiritual knowledge about the deeper meaning of the Anand Karaj (beyond the basic English translation) as well as the journey of the soul to merging with Waheguru. This document serves to help understand multiple factors around Sikh marriage from advice on finding a partner, to what aspects of the traditional “Sikh marriage” are culturally based versus Sikhi based. If we are aware of the origins of these rituals, then we can freely make our choice of whether or not to do them without feeling like a marriage will fail or be unsuccessful just because some ritual got left unperformed. I hope this serves as a starting point for discussion between couples and their families. Furthermore, even if one is already married or single, this is still useful knowledge as the paath contains knowledge relevant to our spiritual journey.
During my research, the closest existing guide I found was “Sikhing: Pre-Anand Karaj Course” by Bhai Dya Singh Ji which I absolutely loved (1). I included his works as well as knowledge shared by Giani Sant Singh Ji Maskeen (2,3), Giani Swaran Singh Ji (4-27), Bhai Manvir Singh Ji (28-29), Bhai Jagraj Singh Ji (30-32), Bhai Baljit Singh Ji (33-50), and Prof. Baldev Mutta (51-63). Bhai Baljit Singh Ji’s katha was an 18 part katha from Basics of Sikhi which I highly recommend watching as it goes through the deeper meaning of the Anand Karaj in English and Punjabi (33-50). The Gurbani translations are from sources 64 and 65. I also got references from the Sikh Rehat Maryada (66). I have cited these so you can benefit from exploring the original resources as time permits. This is my humble attempt at summarizing what I have learned, please forgive me for any mistakes. For those of you who read my blog regularly, you may recognize that some of the parts are combined from previous posts, along with the new knowledge I have gathered.
Finding a Partner
Naturally some of the people who have read this article have already found a partner, but I think it is a useful topic to explore for those who are still looking or even for parents. The Rehat Maryada outlines a few things- no child marriage, widows can remarry, there should be no Dehaj (see post on Dehaj for more details), and that we are not to take anyone’s caste or descent into consideration. Bhai Baljit Singh Ji explains in his katha that Guru Arjan Dev Ji tells us what kinds of qualities we should look for in a partner:
ਅਤਿ ਸੁੰਦਰ ਕੁਲੀਨ ਚਤੁਰ ਮੁਖਿ ਙਿਆਨੀ ਧਨਵੰਤ॥ ਮਿਰਤਕ ਕਹੀਅਹਿ ਨਾਨਕਾ ਜਿਹ ਪ੍ਰੀਤਿ ਨਹੀ ਭਗਵੰਤ॥੧॥
“He may be very handsome, born into a highly respected family, very wise, a famous spiritual teacher, prosperous and wealthy;But even so, he is looked upon as a corpse, O Nanak, if he does not love the Lord God” (Ang 253)
Guru Ji isn’t telling us not to look at these qualities, but rather that it is important to emphasize someone’s love and connection for God. Bhai Sahib gives an example that when Bibi Bhani became of the age to get married, her mother Mansa Devi said that she wanted someone like Bhai Jetha to be her husband, as she had observed him doing sewa wholeheartedly. Guru Ji said that there was no other like him and so they were married. If they had looked at other qualities such as his parents dying when he was young and his family abandoning him, having no home or job, then they would not have proceeded, but they looked at the deeper qualities. Bhai Jetha went onto become Guru Ramdas Ji whose house is the one and only Harmandir Sahib and provides for the thousands who are hungry, and his family was comprised of all the Guru Jis after him! Bhai Baljit Singh Ji encourages us to do Ardas that may we meet those who seeing them, we remember God’s Name (Sayee Pyare Mel Jina Miliya Tera Naam Chit Aave), when we are asking for a partner.
Some of the practical qualities we are looking for in a partner should be further defined too. Bhai Dya Singh Ji outlines this shabad by Guru Arjan Dev Ji from Ang 370/371
ਨਿਜ ਭਗਤੀ ਸੀਲਵੰਤੀ ਨਾਰਿ ॥ ਰੂਪਿ ਅਨੂਪ ਪੂਰੀ ਆਚਾਰਿ॥ਜਿਤੁ ਗ੍ਰਿਹਿ ਵਸੈ ਸੋ ਗ੍ਰਿਹੁ ਸੋਭਾਵੰਤਾ॥ ਗੁਰਮੁਖਿ ਪਾਈ ਕਿਨੈ ਵਿਰਲੈ ਜੰਤਾ ॥੧॥ ਸੁਕਰਣੀ ਕਾਮਣਿ ਗੁਰ ਮਿਲਿ ਹਮ ਪਾਈ॥ ਜਜਿ ਕਾਜਿ ਪਰਥਾਇ ਸੁਹਾਈ॥੧॥ਰਹਾਉ॥ ਜਿਚਰੁ ਵਸੀ ਪਿਤਾ ਕੈ ਸਾਥਿ॥ਤਿਚਰੁ ਕੰਤੁ ਬਹੁ ਫਿਰੈ ਉਦਾਸਿ॥ ਕਰਿ ਸੇਵਾ ਸਤ ਪੁਰਖੁ ਮਨਾਇਆ॥ ਗੁਰਿ ਆਣੀ ਘਰ ਮਹਿ ਤਾ ਸਰਬ ਸੁਖ ਪਾਇਆ॥੨॥ ਬਤੀਹ ਸੁਲਖਣੀ ਸਚੁ ਸੰਤਤਿ ਪੂਤ॥ ਆਗਿਆਕਾਰੀ ਸੁਘੜ ਸਰੂਪ॥ ਇਛ ਪੂਰੇ ਮਨ ਕੰਤ ਸੁਆਮੀ॥ ਸਗਲ ਸੰਤੋਖੀ ਦੇਰ ਜੇਠਾਨੀ॥੩॥ਸਭ ਪਰਵਾਰੈ ਮਾਹਿ ਸਰੇਸਟ॥ਮਤੀ ਦੇਵੀ ਦੇਵਰ ਜੇਸਟ॥.ਧੰਨੁ ਸੁ ਗ੍ਰਿਹੁ ਜਿਤੁ ਪ੍ਰਗਟੀ ਆਇ॥ ਜਨ ਨਾਨਕ ਸੁਖੇ ਸੁਖਿ ਵਿਹਾਇ॥੪॥੩॥
The bride shows such special devotion, and has such an agreeable disposition. Her beauty is incomparable, and her character is perfect. The house in which she dwells is such a praiseworthy house. But rare are those who, as Gurmukh, attain that state||1|| As the soul-bride of pure actions, I have met with the Guru. In worship, marriage and in the next world, such a soul-bride looks beautiful. ||1||Pause|| As long as she lived with her father, her Husband wandered around in sadness. I served and surrendered to the Lord, the True Being; The Guru brought my bride to my home, and I obtained total happiness. ||2|| She is blessed with all sublime attributes (Bathee Sulakhani or 32 qualities; this is further expanded by Bhai Dya Singh Ji to mean with wisdom and contentment one will be True/aligned to God’s will), and her generations are unblemished. Her Husband, her Lord and Master, fulfills her heart's desires. Hope and desire (my younger brother-in-law and sister-in-law) are now totally content. ||3|| She is the most noble of all the family. She counsels and advises her hope and desire. How blessed is that household, in which she has appeared. O servant Nanak, she passes her time in perfect peace and comfort. ||4||3||
In this Shabad, Guru ji describes Bhagti as a woman and says that she (soul-bride) has 32 good attributes. The background of this is described by Bhai Daya Singh as coming from Hindu mythology of a throne with 32 courtesans trapped in it, and only someone with all 32 qualities could release them (67). Here is the list that Bhai Dya Singh Ji put in his guide:
1. Bezurg Adherta - respect and love for elders, parents, parents-in-law, grandparents and other ageing relatives.
2. Perohnan sanman – hospitality to guests. The home should radiate love
and happiness.
3. Sundartaa - beauty. To dress well and look good and also have an inner beauty which comes with spiritual wellbeing. A couple which radiates togetherness radiates beauty.
4. Savdhantaa – alertness/astuteness. Alertness to family, friends and community wellbeing and astuteness against evil-doers and charlatans.
5. Lajjaa - sense of modesty. To dress respectfully. Once married, a couple should dress not for sex-appeal, but portray a sense of modesty, yet elegance.
6. Ekel –wisdom/astuteness.
7. Hatth - determination. To progress and seek success as a couple.
8. Sohardta - kindhearted. To show compassion.
9. Sachta - truth. A marriage should be based on being truthful to each other and to God.
10. Bahadari - bravery. To have the courage to support and defend each other against all odds.
11. Pavitarta - purity of thought and action – devoid of deviousness
12. Vidheyavan – always learning and improving one’s knowledge and knowledge of one’s partner and those around you.
13. Udham - dynamic effort. Not to just expect things to happen. The ability to work towards an ongoing better relationship with spouse and family on both sides and general progress in life.
14. Udhartaa - reformative. Helping each other, and others, to improve.
15. Gun grahataa - able to grasp values and adopt them.
16. Mun di shudhtayee/sevachta - cleanliness/purity of the mind. Honesty and transparency with each other.
17. Dharam - righteousness. To perform one’s duties and responsibilities in life.
18. Khima - forgiveness. To work out grievances and put them to rest without
bringing them up again and again.
19. Gyan - knowlegeable. The pursuit of wisdom is life-long. Never ever feel that you know everything.
20. Indriya tay vasikaar - control over the senses and passions like ego, anger, lust, greed, covetousness, revenge and so on.
21. Shubh kamaa da subhav - inclined towards lofty ideals
22. Ghambirtaa - profundity. Not to be superficial.
23. Punn - charitable. Contributions towards our institutions, for example, keeps them going. This is a corporate responsibility of a couple. Also, to be of service (sewa).
24. Dhirajh - resoluteness, determination, patience.
25. Nimartaa - humility.
26. Tej - glorious, sharp, alert.
27. Dya/sohardata - compassionate.
28. Peti/parmeshvar bhagati – love/respect of God who is the Lord of the household. Also, love and respect for each other. (Originally this was sometimes interpreted as treating the husband as God. Today it means equal respect and love for each other and holding God as the head of the household.).
29. Nirlobhtaa - devoid of greed/avarice.
30.Nirmohitaa – inner detachment from materialism (maya).
31. Sankochta -frugality, spending wisely, household budgeting
32. Creating the right environment and bringing up children as future responsible, law-abiding human beings.”
He notes there were other traits like music, art, etc. and asks the couple to come up with their own list they want to work on for their marriage.
Prof. Baldev Mutta describes that one of the most important things in the search for a partner is to establish eachothers expectations and their parent’s expectations of a son or daughter-in-law. Some of the questions one could explore are whether you want children, thoughts on responsibilities and roles (working/not working, who will do what and managing finances), are you living on your own or with in-laws, issues around alcohol/addictions, family history (ex. Health problems), role of extended family, etc. and to clarify goals in life. Is it important to you to marry someone who speaks Punjabi, who knows how to read Gurbani, are you planning on taking Amrit? Thus, the conversation should be beyond physical attraction, household, or schooling. Bhai Swaran Singh Ji said traditionally the education people used to look for was could the individual read Gurbani, memorize Sukhmani, read Guru Granth Sahib, etc.
Giani Sant Singh Ji Maskeen explains in his book “Guru Chintan” that to understand union, we must first understand the gift of solitude and separation: “Whenever one is alone, then passion (lust), anger, desire and attachment etc. become visible…With whom we have got very deep relation and fondness, he comes to mind again and again. Mendicants consider solitude as the touchstone of love, because with whom we have love, he comes to mind in solitude repeatedly.” In this solitude, we are also reminded of the virtues of others, and it allows us to experience the ultimate joy of connection. Similarly, when we realize our separation from God, we grow in our longing.
Lastly, in choosing a partner the Rehat Maryada says, “A Sikh’s daughter must be married to a Sikh.” This was addressed by Bhai Jagraj Singh Ji. He said in the old times, males used to go travelling, while the importance of a Sikh daughter marrying a Sikh was that she would be a mother and therefore preserve the values more and be instrumental in passing on Sikhi and propagating our religion. Bhai Dya Singh JI further explains that the non-Sikh women that men married when travelling used to all take Amrit prior.
Advice prior to marriage
This premarital advice is often skipped. Ideally it should be given well before marriage, and then again early in the ceremony before the laavan. Bhai Dya Singh Ji says that prior to the laavan, there should be education on the meaning of the ceremony: “Sikh couples need to understand the deep spiritual impact of this ceremony, the spirit in which one should go through it, and how it can help them as a couple, on their journey on the path of ‘Grahast Marag’, the way of the Householder.” Bhai Swaran Singh Ji pointed out just because a couple is professionals in their field, doesn’t mean they have more knowledge than the Guru Granth Sahib Ji- therefore everyone can benefit from advice before their marriage.
To expand their understanding of the Anand Karaj, Bhai Dya Singh Ji encourages the couple to both to read the translation of the 40 Pauri Anand Sahib (the Anand Sahib we read in a normal program is usually the short version 6 Pauri Anand Sahib, this is the longer version which is read in the Nitnem). Bhai Swaran Singh Ji encourages the couple to know their 5 Banis as well as ardas by heart before they get married. This advice needs to be given well before the wedding so the couple can start working on it. Bhai Dya Singh Ji also encourages the couple to start practicing sitting cross-legged for 20 min a day 6 months in advance, so you can be comfortable sitting!
Prof. Baldev Mutta offers some practice points of advice for a relationship in his pre-marital counselling class. He offers there are four reasons of a relationship breakdown, and therefore four things that need to be developed in a relationship. Although all marriages have disagreements, he says it is the use of these skills and compromise that helps relationships survive. In terms of communication, it is important for the couple to stay in touch over time. He explains many couples stay stuck on the same amount of little information they knew about each other when they got married! Without attention, he describes that the couple grows apart, and therefore ongoing discussions about eithics, values, goals, and interests are important. The practical problem solving tips involve:
· being aware of your own emotions
· awareness of the other person’s emotions
· self-management of emotions
· listening to the other person’s position and saying, “tell me a little bit more”
· writing things down in the moment
· postponing the discussion when you are calmer
· choosing words carefully
· agreening not to be disrespectful (swearing) when arguing
· use of “I statements” (I was worried when you were late) instead of focusing on the other person
· not let your emotions take over by taking the topic of argument personally; see it as them takin ga stance
· abandon negative ways which worsen the problem: silent, violence, monologing (being the only one talking), hiding, talking without revealing anything, talking with the purpose of getting just what you want, labelling and attacking
· avoid using the statements “always” and “never”
One of the important points is that the couple should build their own problem-solving skils rather than relying on parents to solve the problems; if they need help they could see a professional confidentially (ex. Punjabi Community Health Services in Ontario). Our expectations need to be realistic of each other, otherwise it will lead to power and control issues. He also encourages us to practice the higher level thinking the Guru Jis taught us. He used the example of when Guru Angad Dev Ji’s son kicked Guru Amardas Ji, who instead of getting angry, or accepting any sort of insult, looked upon him with compassion and asked if he was hurt. He shows us that Guru Ji teaches us that when someone is swearing and yelling at us we could think “this person is in anger and wants to say something else to me but can’t find the words right now” and that is a high awareness. Lastly, the couple needs to have trust and their own space, not be overly dependent or attached (moh).
Bhai Baljit Singh Ji explains that on the day of the Anand Karaj the teachings should be given to both the bride and groom but largely traditionally seems to be only given to the Kaur emphasizing she needs to live like this at her in-laws house. The Singh seems to be entirely forgotten. Bhai Dya Singh Ji also agrees there seems to be unequal emphasis on the bride for success of the marriage and the advice tends to be patriarchal. One of the things that should be emphasized to the groom-to-be is:
ਏਕਾ ਨਾਰੀ ਜਤੀ ਹੋਇ ਪਰ ਨਾਰੀ ਧੀ ਭੈਣ ਵਖਾਣੈ।
Having one women as wife he (the Sikh) is a celebate and considers any other's wife as his daughter or a sister. (Bhai Gurdas Vaar 6 Pauri 8)
ਦੇਖਿ ਪਰਾਈਆ ਚੰਗੀਆ ਮਾਵਾਂ ਭੈਣਾਂ ਧੀਆਂ ਜਾਣੈ।
The Sikh ought to treat beautiful women of others as his mothers, sisters, and daughters. (Var 29 Pauri 11)
Bhai Jagraj Singh Ji adds that the advice on the day of the Anand Karaj that is written into the Rehat Maryada is that the couple joins in the aim to meet God, and therefore will have the same soul if they are on the same journey. The groom should be told to give his unflinching love, security, share his trust, protect her, honour her, give loyalty, and respect to her family and treat them as his own. The bride should be told to respect, he is master of her love, to be loyal, serve him in joy or sorrow, and respect his family as her own. He explained this based on the maryada’s guidelines so I think some of the language needs to be adapted to the times, but we all understand the essence. Bhai Dya Singh Ji further offers that the “couple needs to 'make a home' which is conducive to peace, tranquility, harmony, happiness and inclined towards spiritual elevation. Honesty and truth between each other is paramount.”
“Love is such an eye with which the depth of everything, every person, and the Creator can be seen.” Giani Sant Singh Ji Maskeen
Giani Sant Singh Ji Maskeen gives us on this topic of love. It is firstly important for us to understand the distinction between love and lust. Giani Ji writes that the mind has knowledge of three tastes: “Taste of passion (sex), taste of love, and taste of worship (bhagati). When a body meets another body, the taste formed due to this meeting is called sex. The meeting of two minds gives the taste of love. The union of soul with God produces bliss of devotion.” Giani Ji uses the analogy of a sitar (musical instrument) to describe that just like we tune its strings, we have to tune the 5 thieves (lust, anger, pride, greed, attachment) rather than removing them. He writes, “When lust (passion) is attuned, then it puts on the garb of modesty and decency and remains within limits. Anger gets converted into bravery. Attachment becomes love and greed changes into contentment. Pride takes the shape of self-respect.” Bhai Swaran Singh Ji also talked about how a couple needs to understand that the “kaam Shakti” is in fact a great gift that is given to us.
Conflict (kalesh) ultimately comes from our thoughts being different because of the 5 dhoots/thieves taking our minds over (not being in tune). Giani Ji gives the examples of how Harnakash tried to kill his son Prehlad and Aurangzeb killed his father and brothers due to dissimilarity of views. He explains that in a marriage, “If one sees god in her husband and the other sees his wife as goddesss, then the home will become the temple of God… Wife should take care of the brain of the husband that he may not start thinking wrongly by any wrong dealing of mine and husband should be careful that wife’s emotions are not hurt. Man generally becomes angry if his emotions get hurt and woman starts weeping if her emotions get hurt…The relationship of wife and husband is the union of emotion and thoughts. And the palace of life can be built only on the foundation of this union.” Because those thoughts are rooted in Maya, it is Guru Ji’s help that maintains our union.
“Out of the gifts bestowed by Creator, love is supreme gift. One comes to know on observing that love is present in the whole existence and by and by it appears in every living being.” Giani Sant Singh Ji Maskeen
Giani Ji deeply describes in this passage how expanding one’s love, one meets God. He writes, “Body attracts another body, this attraction is due to which one body remains in search of another body…if the bodies meet, but there is no partnership in views when minds meet, the ecstasy is not there. Those persons are praise worthy who have got bliss in their lives. On forming partnership of minds, one can get sweetness of love, which is superior to sex-love.” In addition to minds meeting, to have love there needs to be devotion and letting go of ego. He explains, “There is pride in sex[ual] enjoyment. The fulfillment of passion is for the fulfillment of pride. There is ‘I’ present but not ‘You’. In love there is a relationship between ‘I’ and ‘You’. Not only ‘I’ but ‘You’ also exists. Such a conception gives birth to love. Where ‘I’ ceases to exist, only ‘You’ remains, there the flavor of devotion springs up.” One of my favorite lines of Gurbani is, “When the difference between myself and others is removed, then wherever I look, I see only You" (Ang 1375). Giani Ji writes, “Love, when remains within the four walls of the house, is called affection. To a person, engrossed in affection, only his religion and family looks nice. To others he looks askance. But when love transgresses the house and encircles the whole world within it, then such a love is called God. As the sunlight is not separate from the Sun, so love is the manifest form of the creator.”
According to the Rehat maryada, the couples then bows to Guru Ji to agree to the advice given.
Engagement (Kurmai)
There is a Sikh way of doing an engagement, which I actually had no idea about until now but as per the Rehat Maryada, the engagement is not mandatory. Bhai Dya Singh Ji and Bhai Baljit Singh Ji both describe this engagement ceremony. The bride’s family travel’s to the groom’s family’s house, and the shabads on Ang 773 of the Guru Granth Sahib, just prior to the Anand Karaj shabads are read.
ੴ ਸਤਿਗੁਰ ਪ੍ਰਸਾਦਿ॥ਸਤਿਗੁਰੁ ਪੁਰਖੁ ਮਿਲਾਇ ਅਵਗਣ ਵਿਕਣਾ ਗੁਣ ਰਵਾ ਬਲਿ ਰਾਮ ਜੀਉ॥ If only I could meet the True Guru, the Primal Being. Discarding my faults and sins, I would chant the Lord's Glorious Praises. ਹਰਿ ਹਰਿ ਨਾਮੁ ਧਿਆਇ ਗੁਰਬਾਣੀ ਨਿਤ ਨਿਤ ਚਵਾ ਬਲਿ ਰਾਮ ਜੀਉ॥ I meditate on the Naam,the Name of the Lord,Har, Har. Continuously, continually, I chant the Word of the Guru's Bani. ਗੁਰਬਾਣੀ ਸਦ ਮੀਠੀ ਲਾਗੀ ਪਾਪ ਵਿਕਾਰ ਗਵਾਇਆ॥Gurbani always seems so sweet; I have eradicated the sins from within. ਹਉਮੈ ਰੋਗੁ ਗਇਆ ਭਉ ਭਾਗਾ ਸਹਜੇ ਸਹਜਿ ਮਿਲਾਇਆ॥The disease of egotism is gone, fear has left, and I am absorbed in celestial peace. ਕਾਇਆ ਸੇਜ ਗੁਰ ਸਬਦਿ ਸੁਖਾਲੀ ਗਿਆਨ ਤਤਿ ਕਰਿ ਭੋਗੋ॥Through the Word of the Guru's Shabad, the bed of my body has become cozy and beautiful, and I enjoy the essence of spiritual wisdom. ਅਨਦਿਨੁ ਸੁਖਿ ਮਾਣੇ ਨਿਤ ਰਲੀਆ ਨਾਨਕ ਧੁਰਿ ਸੰਜੋਗੋ॥੧॥Night and day, I continually enjoy peace and pleasure. O Nanak, this is my pre-ordained destiny. ||1||
ਸਤੁ ਸੰਤੋਖੁ ਕਰਿ ਭਾਉ ਕੁੜਮੁ ਕੁੜਮਾਈ ਆਇਆ ਬਲਿ ਰਾਮ ਜੀਉ॥The soul-bride is lovingly embellished with truth and contentment; her Father, the Guru, has come to engage her in marriage to her Husband Lord. ਸੰਤ ਜਨਾ ਕਰਿ ਮੇਲੁ ਗੁਰਬਾਣੀ ਗਾਵਾਈਆ ਬਲਿ ਰਾਮ ਜੀਉ॥Joining with the humble Saints, I sing Gurbani ਬਾਣੀ ਗੁਰ ਗਾਈ ਪਰਮ ਗਤਿ ਪਾਈ ਪੰਚ ਮਿਲੇ ਸੋਹਾਇਆ॥Singing the Guru's Bani, I have obtained the supreme status; meeting with the Saints, the self-elect, I am blessed and adorned. ਗਇਆ ਕਰੋਧੁ ਮਮਤਾ ਤਨਿ ਨਾਠੀ ਪਾਖੰਡੁ ਭਰਮੁ ਗਵਾਇਆ॥Anger and attachment have left my body and run away; I have eradicated hypocrisy and doubt. ਹਉਮੈ ਪੀਰ ਗਈ ਸੁਖੁ ਪਾਇਆ ਆਰੋਗਤ ਭਏ ਸਰੀਰਾ॥The pain of egotism is gone, and I have found peace; my body has become healthy and free of disease. ਗੁਰ ਪਰਸਾਦੀ ਬ੍ਰਹਮੁ ਪਛਾਤਾ ਨਾਨਕ ਗੁਣੀ ਗਹੀਰਾ॥੨॥By Guru's Grace, O Nanak, I have realized God, the ocean of virtue. ||2||
ਮਨਮੁਖਿ ਵਿਛੁੜੀ ਦੂਰਿ ਮਹਲੁ ਨ ਪਾਏ ਬਲਿ ਗਈ ਬਲਿ ਰਾਮ ਜੀਉ॥The self-willed manmukh is separated, far away from God; she does not obtain the Mansion of His Presence, and she burns. ਅੰਤਰਿ ਮਮਤਾ ਕੂਰਿ ਕੂੜੁ ਵਿਹਾਝੇ ਕੂੜਿ ਲਈ ਬਲਿ ਰਾਮ ਜੀਉ॥Egotism and falsehood are deep within her; deluded by falsehood, she deals only in falsehood. ਕੂੜੁ ਕਪਟੁ ਕਮਾਵੈ ਮਹਾ ਦੁਖੁ ਪਾਵੈ ਵਿਣੁ ਸਤਿਗੁਰ ਮਗੁ ਨ ਪਾਇਆ॥Practicing fraud and falsehood, she suffers terrible pain; without the True Guru, she does not find the way. ਉਝੜ ਪੰਥਿ ਭ੍ਰਮੈ ਗਾਵਾਰੀ ਖਿਨੁ ਖਿਨੁ ਧਕੇ ਖਾਇਆ॥The foolish soul-bride wanders along dismal pathways; each and every moment, she is bumped and pushed.ਆਪੇ ਦਇਆ ਕਰੇ ਪ੍ਰਭੁ ਦਾਤਾ ਸਤਿਗੁਰੁ ਪੁਰਖੁ ਮਿਲਾਏ॥God, the Great Giver, shows His Mercy, and leads her to meet the True Guru, the Primal Being. ਜਨਮ ਜਨਮ ਕੇ ਵਿਛੁੜੇ ਜਨ ਮੇਲੇ ਨਾਨਕ ਸਹਜਿ ਸੁਭਾਏ॥੩॥Those beings who have been separated for countless incarnations, O Nanak, are reunited with the Lord, with intuitive ease. ||3||
ਆਇਆ ਲਗਨੁ ਗਣਾਇ ਹਿਰਦੈ ਧਨ ਓਮਾਹੀਆ ਬਲਿ ਰਾਮ ਜੀਉ॥Calculating the most auspicious moment, the Lord comes into the bride's home; her heart is filled with ecstasy. ਪੰਡਿਤ ਪਾਧੇ ਆਣਿ ਪਤੀ ਬਹਿ ਵਾਚਾਈਆ ਬਲਿ ਰਾਮ ਜੀਉ॥The Pandits and astrologers have come, to sit and consult the almanacs.ਪਤੀ ਵਾਚਾਈ ਮਨਿ ਵਜੀ ਵਧਾਈ ਜਬ ਸਾਜਨ ਸੁਣੇ ਘਰਿ ਆਏ॥They have consulted the almanacs, and the bride's mind vibrates with bliss, when she hears that her Friend is coming into the home of her heart. ਗੁਣੀ ਗਿਆਨੀ ਬਹਿ ਮਤਾ ਪਕਾਇਆ ਫੇਰੇ ਤਤੁ ਦਿਵਾਏ॥The virtuous and wise men sat down and decided to perform the marriage immediately. ਵਰੁ ਪਾਇਆ ਪੁਰਖੁ ਅਗੰਮੁ ਅਗੋਚਰੁ ਸਦ ਨਵਤਨੁ ਬਾਲ ਸਖਾਈ॥She has found her Husband, the Inaccessible, Unfathomable Primal Lord, who is forever young; He is her Best Friend from her earliest childhood. ਨਾਨਕ ਕਿਰਪਾ ਕਰਿ ਕੈ ਮੇਲੇ ਵਿਛੁੜਿ ਕਦੇ ਨ ਜਾਈ॥੪॥੧॥O Nanak, he has mercifully united the bride with Himself. She shall never be separated again. ||4||1||
Bhai Baljit Singh Ji explained that in old times, the bride’s father would travel and find a partner for her and then confirm the engagement himself; later on he started asking a pandit to do it on his behalf but the pandits became greedy and sometimes wouldn’t make a good match. Nowadays people tend to find a match for themselves. The kurm is the father of the bride. On a deeper level, our Kurm is Guru Ji, and we are the soul bride. The first step is for the couple to take a Hukamnama and not to pursue the relationship without God, then to get someone involved with knowledge of Gurbani to go through the Hukam and make sure it’s a good match. The girl traditionally didn’t use to be invited because of how things were done in the olden days with the father finding a match; but times have changed and both Bhai Baljit Singh and Bhai Dya singh said it makes sense to have her present at the engagement ceremony.
Gifts: Bhai Manvir Singh Ji shared that often times people give a coconut at this event and the history behind this was that in the old time there weren’t water bottles so when the Baarat stayed at the girl’s house for one week they would bring coconuts on the way to drink if thirsty and eat if hungry. This is obviously not necessary now. Bhai Baljit Singh says a sarab loh kara, kirpan, and dastaar are given to the groom. A kirpan, kara, and suit/chuni are given to the bride by the in-laws. There does not need to be sweets given or donated, as we know that they often go to waste, and rather he encourages us to give to those in need. Often times gifts are excessive out of a worry that if the girl’s family doesn’t please the in-laws she will have a miserable life- Bhai Sahib reminds us that the relationship should be based on Guru Ji and where there is unconditional love there should be no worires. Bhai Dya Singh Ji encourages us to do the milni at this time, as they in-laws will meet here. Afterwards he encourages katha and simran.
Pre-Wedding Rituals
Bhai Manvir Singh Ji wrote a great article and has a youtube katha on Punjabi wedding rituals. We are free to do whatever we wish but it’s great to have an idea of what we are doing, why, and to choose whether or not we want to do it. People should not have to feel forced to do things they don’t want to. Many of the origins are to do with Hindu, Christian, or Muslim cultures. Naturally I think people will borrow from other cultures but it is important for us to distinguish between what is a “Sikh” wedding and what is the cultural portion- essentially all these events. I remember I went to a wedding where the Sikh bride was so nervous about not wanting her marriage to be unsuccessful that she actually borrowed as many traditions as she could and was doing all of them. Bhai Baljit Singh Ji reminds us that we shouldn’t be scared to go against what others want us to do, or be fearful our relationship won’t work out if we don’t follow these rituals because our outcome will be even better if we follow Guru Ji’s advice.
ROKAA
This is the event happens at the Groom’s house and is a “pre-engagement.” The bride’s family visits to confirm the intention to marry the daughter. In this event, people tend to give lots of items- suits, fruits, etc. however Bhai Manvir Singh Ji says that in Gurbani we are explained that giving your word is enough:
ਸੂਰਬੀਰ ਬਚਨ ਕੇ ਬਲੀ॥(Ang 392) “They are so brave; they are men of their word”
CHUNNEE CHADONEE
Bhai Manvir Singh Ji explains the groom’s family goes to the bride’s home. The bride-to-be is given a red chunni to put over her head, signifiying that “your honour is our honour” and comes from Rajput tradition. In Sikhi we learn that God is our honour
ਪ੍ਰੇਮ ਪਟੋਲਾ ਤੈ ਸਹਿ ਦਿਤਾ ਢਕਣ ਕੂ ਪਤਿ ਮੇਰੀ॥“You covered my Path God, your love is my honour.”
Furthermore he explains that those around the bride are usually not wearing Chunnis- does that now mean they have no honour? Bhai Baljit Singh Ji also said that Chuni Chodni didn’t exist prior and was only invented in recent times.
AKHAND PAATH
The families should have an Akhand Paath prior to the wedding (68). They are given a Hukamnama. Bhai Baljit Singh Ji said that it would great if the couple could do their own Sehaj Paath and understand and build their own relationship with Guru Ji.
MEHNDI AND LADIES SANGEET
We often have a mendhi party where the girls get together and will do each others mendhi. This happens on the boys side too where his female relatives will get their mendhi done. Bhai Manvir Singh said the tradition comes from when a woman put their hand out to Mohammed passed a letter to him from behind a screen, the Prophet pulled back and said he didn’t know if it was the hand of a man or woman. He asked that she put on henna so they would not be confused with a man’s hands. In Sikhi we learn, “Color your mind with the love of God” (Ang 1066).
MAYIAN, RANGOLI
Mayian are when the bride and groom (in their own homes separately) are covered in haldhi (turmeric) and chick peac flower by people around them. Bhai Manvir Singh and Bhai Swaran Singh said this used to happen because people didn’t take showers daily, so it helped to clean off the dirt from people’s skin prior to the wedding as there was little access to water then. Rangoli are colors that were laid out on the ground made of flour and were meant to invite Gods and Goddesses for luck. The bride sits in front of this for the mayian. In the Hindu culture, the paste was meant to purify their body and mind. Bhai Sahib says we should realize that bad luck doesn’t touch those who do Simran and we should recite Bani for blessings:
ਰਾਮ ਨਾਮੁ ਜੋ ਜਨੁ ਜਪੈ ਅਨਦਿਨੁ ਸਦ ਜਾਗੈ॥
ਤੰਤੁ ਮੰਤੁ ਨਹ ਜੋਹਈ ਤਿਤੁ ਚਾਖੁ ਨ ਲਾਗੈ॥੧॥ ਰਹਾਉ॥
“That humble being who chant’s the Lord’s Name, remains always awake and aware, night and day. He is not affected by charms and spells, nor is he harmed by the evil eye. ||1||Pause|| Ang 818
There also used to be a tradition that the individual does not leave their house after the ceremony (69). The bride and groom get a red thread around their wrist to protect from bad omens (70) but this is against the Rehat Maryada and should not be followed. The bride then gets a phulkari put on her head and she goes to take a bath. The maame then pick her up the bride out of the bathing area (again not necessary). The mayan are often combined with the Choora ceremony.
CHOORIAN
This is when the Maamai (the mother’s brothers of the bride) will gift bangles, and dip the 21 bangles into milk with rose peddles in it, then put them on the bride. Apparently, the wrist is then covered with a white cloth so she cant see it before the wedding, but I’ve never seen that (70). Bhai Manvir Singh said chooriyan used to be a sign of slavery, meant to weigh down a woman’s hand so she “knew her place” and didn’t raise her hand against her husband. There’s also this ritual where he didn’t talk about in the video but where the bride needs to keep here bangles on for a certain number of days otherwise its bad luck. I can imagine how inconvenient that must be (how about sleeping at night?). In Sikhi Bhai Sahib reminds us that we are given a Sarab Loh Kara by Guru Gobind Singh Ji.
JAI MALA
This comes from Hindu culture when kings invited the princes of friendly states and the bride was able to select her groom. Bhai Sahib reminds us our union is not made with garlands.
GOING TO THE GROOM’S HOUSE
There used to be superstition that the girl’s family shouldn’t go to the grooms house to eat. The Rehat Maryada says “ Abstaining from eating at the girl’s home is a superstition. The Khalsa has been blessed with the boon of victuals and making others eat by the Guru and the Immortal Being. The girl’s and boy’s people should keep accepting each other’s hospitality, because the Guru has joined them in relationship of equality. “
WEDDING DAY
There are a few suggestions for the wedding day rituals themselves as well.
Punctuality
This was mentioned by both Bhai Swaran Singh Ji and Dya Singh Ji is that the couple should arrive in a timely manner and ideally at the same time (not with the girl coming afterwards).
Bride’s Dress Code
All the sources I read highly encouraged the bride not to wear too heavy of a dress! This is a huge problem as she often is so weighed down she can’t move without help. I can’t imagine how uncomfortable that must be. (Please make sure you can also sit cross-legged in your lengha). Because of the weight of the lengha, it becomes the task of the male relatives of the bride “helping her along.” I’ve personally always felt this to be unnecessary (and an equality issue) and indeed it is not found anywhere in the rehat maryada and has nothing to do with Sikhi. Bhai Swaran Singh says she should be free to walk independently and if she is lost focused in choorian and jewelry, she wont be able to focus on the real message. Bhai Dya Singh Ji says to dress with humility and not to exhaust oneself getting ready. Under no circumstances should a bride have her face covered. Guru Amardas Ji told us not to have any Purdah (veil) and there is even a sakhi about it. If we aren’t going to follow basic things Guru Ji told us we shouldn’t be getting married in front of Guru Ji. Removing pardah was a point of equality for us, and we shouldn’t move back in time.
Bhai Swaran Singh Ji explained that if the bride’s wearing flowers (comes from Western Culture) she will have trouble holding the palla. If she wants, she can hold a kirpan (I saw a recent Kaur Life article on brides who held a Kirapn). Bhai Dya Singh Ji and Swaran Singh Ji also recommend not having bridesmaids (or the similar version for men) and having 20 people dressed the same.
It is not mandatory to wear red. The red color seems to have different things said about it in different sources. Bhai Swaran Singh Ji said it comes from Rajputs asking permission from the Moghals to get together. The only reason they were allowed to get together was when they were wearing red turbans (for their weddings) which was a sign of slavery. Bhai Manvir Singh encouraged use of Khalsa colors yellow, blue or white. Bhai Baljit says red represents happily married bride. Either way, the bride can choose whatever color she wants.
Groom’s Dress Code
The reason why grooms have a beard and turban is that traditionally, everyone went through the following four ceremonies in life. 1) Naming at birth 2) Amrit 3) Anand Karaj 4) Funeral. Bhai Jagraj Singh Ji explains that since Amrit came before Anad Karaj, grooms were Amritdhari at their marriage and therefore took the image of a Khalsa! This explained a lot and was new knowledge for me.
Bhai Manvir Singh Ji and Bhai Dya Singh Ji also explore the “Sehra.” This is the veil made of flowers/beads/garland that covers the grooms face as he comes to the Gurdwara. In Hindu tradition this protected him from Nazar/Evil eye and reminded him not to look at another woman. It was also adopted by Muslim kings and the word itself means a poem sung during Nikah (Muslim marriage). Even the Rehat Maryada says that the groom should not wear a Sehra “Putting on floral or gilded face ornamentation, decorative headgear or red thread bands round the wrist, worshipping of ancestors, dripping feet in mild mixed with water, cutting a berry or jandi (Prosopis spicigera) bushes, filling pitcher, ceremony of retirement in feigned displeasure, reciting couplets, performing havans [sacrificial fire], installing vedi (a wooden canopy or pavilion under which Hindu marriages are performed), prostitutes dances, drinking liquor, are all sacrileges.” Guru Ji tells us not to believe in bad luck, and we should always be of high moral character regardless and not looking at other women. No one’s supposed to cover their faces in front of Guru Ji as mentioned above in the bride section. The groom should be dressed comfortably. Bhai Dya Singh Ji suggests Kurta Pajama as it is easy to sit in. The Kalgi is sometimes worn by a groom on his turban (a plume). Bhai Manvir Singh Ji did research on this topic and found that not even Maharaja Ranjit Singh, Bandha Singh Bahadur and Jassa Singh Ramgariya wore kalgis (although paintings add them as a representation afterwards) out of respect for the real Kalgiyan Wala (Guru Gobind Singh Ji).
Traditionally the morning of the wedding there is a sarbala (groom associate) who is a nephew or cousin that is a protector for the day and is dressed similarly (69). Someone puts on Surma (eyeliner) for luck (69). Again none of these are necessary as we don’t believe in evil eye in Sikhi. The groom leaves with a Barat (his relatives and friends). If on a horse, the sarbala goes with him, but its unnecessary to have a horse.
Timing of the Ceremony
There were variable notes about this. Bhai Swaran Singh Ji mentioned that the Anand Karaj was typically performed at Amrit Vela after Asa Di Waar. One of the Gyani Jis I met said that the laavan are read according to their raag and therefore the timing should in fact be before 12 pm. Bhai Dya Singh Ji said there was not basis for this. As for the date, the maryada says we should not consult horoscopes and just go by convenience
ਮਾਹ ਦਿਵਸ ਮੂਰਤ ਭਲੇ ਜਿਸ ਕਉ ਨਦਰਿ ਕਰੇ॥
The months, the days, and the moments are auspicious, for those upon whom the Lord casts His Glance of Grace. Ang 136
Milni
At this event, the couple’s families meet each other, and try to pick each other up and there is bhangra, as well as a dholki playing. The rehat maryada actually tells us “The marriage party should be as small a number of people as the girl’s people desire. The two sides should greet each other singing sacred hymns and finally by the Sikh greeting of Waheguru ji ka Khalsa, Waheguru ji ki Fateh. The respective relatives from each side meet each other but traditionally its male relatives; we should be including women (69).
Rings
We all know this comes from Christianity, to seal a marriage to symbolize love and faithfulness between the couple. Bhai Manvir Singh reminds us we have our own symbols of faith as a promise to our Guru Ji- our 5 K’s.
Video Crew
Bhai Dya Singh Ji and Swaran Singh Ji had similar advice that the video crew should not be interfering in the spiritual sanctity of the Anand Karaj. This should be made clear to them ahead of time. They should be dressed professionally and film from the side, out of the way of the Guru Granth Sahib Ji or sangat.
Ideas
Bhai Dya Singh Ji shared some ideas: some couples do kirtan together at their weddings; people can hire a professional dastaar tier to tie turbans for all the males (that would look really nice compared to those horrible matching satin ramals guys get); the couple can do samapti after the program; the couple can serve the degh themselves. I think it would be nice instead of the couple accepting sagan for them to donate to a particular charity they believe in, to honour of their marriage.
A piece of advice that I got from a Gyani Ji locally was that if I could do anything for the samahj, and to change the state of affairs where farmers are killing themselves because they cannot spend money on their daughter’s weddings, that I shouldn’t spend excessive money on my wedding. Even though I’m a doctor, I need to set an example that energy should be spent on kirtan and the spirituality, not showing off. I think this advice also speaks to the practicality of some of the points above that they spend excessive money and time doing rituals that don’t help us in life. I think that the excess money that would have been spent into the wedding should be spent into investing in the couple’s future instead (like towards a house).
What is the meaning of Laavan?
During the time of Guru Nanak Dev Ji, people would get married around the Vedas, or someone who knew the Vedas (a Brahmin), or if those could not be found, a fire. Guru Ji got married around the mool mantar (Ik Onkar to Gurparsad). Bhai Baljit Singh Ji describes that the background of this Bani is found in Mair Bhandar from Baba Amri Singh Ji. A poor man wanted his daughter married, arranged it and met with a local Pandit as was tradition at the time. The pandit got greedy and overcharged, so not knowing what to do, the man went to Guru Ji. Guru Ramdas Ji told him to return in two days. In the meant time, a Jagyasu (aspirant) asked Guru Ji what the stages were to merge with God. Thus Guru Ji got both together and recited Sohee Mahalla 4, which answered both. Guru Ji tells us the highest of all ways of living is a householder’s life:
ਸਕਲ ਧਰਮ ਮੈ ਗ੍ਰਿਹਸਤੁ ਪ੍ਰਧਾਨ ਹੈ॥੩੭੬॥
Out of all the ways of living, a householder’s life is the highest
Raag Soohi is a raag of love. The meaning of laav is manifold and described by Bhai Baljit Singh JI. The first is Parkarma (to walk around Guru Ji)- that we are a sacrifice to God. This means we give up something for the person we love deeply- our Guru Ji. The second meaning is avastha (stage). The third meaning is a rope: to tie a rope makes a knot of love (Jag Raj Singh describes this as a lasoo of love- the bride is trapping the groom in her rope of love with the palla and we are tying our bond of love to Guru Ji). The fourth is that in Sanskrit laav means taking a flower from a plant (to take the bride from the father’s house so she spreads her fragrance at a new home); or to break the plant of falsehood and connecting the soulbride to Truth. The last meaning is Sikhiya, teaching. Giani Sant Singh Ji Maskeen describes that laavan means “to adore someone, to go around again and again in total adoration and love” and he says that Professor Sahib Singh Ji has described it as “to fall head over heals for someone.”
Giani Sant Singh Ji Maskeen expands that the importance of the laavan is that one can realize in which stage of spiritualism they are standing; whereas one can physically see a person’s progress through life (child, adult, old), this is our way of seeing spiritual progress. He explains that only the individual with deep insight and depth of heart can tell where they are, or whether they have even started the inner journey. As one has more Dhyan, spiritual knowledge increases, we get more wisdom, and concentration increases. He explains that many people have not yet started their journeys and are not even at the first laav yet. I know nowadays many people are turned away from walking this religious journey because they notice people fighting over minor topics, or they feel restricted. We will address this topic in this guide as well at multiple points. Giani Sant Singh Ji Maskeen writes that when one starts this spiritual journey, one becomes devoted towards those who are spiritually awakened and compassion for those who are ignorant and therefore does not engage in fighting. He feels compassion for the ignorant because he understands they are wasting their precious human life. When one gets Divine knowledge, he explains that arts take birth, and then Gurbani pours out from their hearts, just like Guru Nanak Dev Ji never learnt music but would sing in Raags. Giani Ji writes “the more God will become distinct and obvious in a person the more his own personality (ego) will vanish.”
Why does the groom lead the laavan?
This is an important question that we all ask nowadays, but of course Guru Ji was thinking of our equality when this ceremony was designed. Bhai Jagraj Singh Ji explains that if we walked side by side, the point is to walk around Guru Ji (a central point), and we would not be equidistant then from Guru Ji, the one person would be further away. In another way, he argues that the woman is the one holding the man’s palla and therefore she is in control of the relationship.
ANAND KARAJ
Kirtan is happening. The couple enters and matha teks. Each offers a ramala (remember not to put it on the ground). Then they are seated.
KEETA LORIYE
Bhai Baljit Singh Ji tells us that Guru Ji explains that whatever we wish to accomplish, we should do Ardas and put it forth to God first; then we must follow that path. We often ask I’ve done this much path and why have things not changed, but he emphasizes our affairs are only resolved if we live our life based on truth.
ਕੀਤਾ ਲੋੜੀਐ ਕੰਮੁ ਸੁ ਹਰਿ ਪਹਿ ਆਖੀਐ॥
Whatever work you wish to accomplish-tell it to the Lord.
ਕਾਰਜੁ ਦੇਇ ਸਵਾਰਿ ਸਤਿਗੁਰ ਸਚੁ ਸਾਖੀਐ॥
He will resolve your affairs; the True Guru gives His Guarantee of Truth.
ਸੰਤਾ ਸੰਗਿ ਨਿਧਾਨੁ ਅੰਮ੍ਰਿਤੁ ਚਾਖੀਐ॥
In the Society of the Saints, you shall taste the treasure of the Ambrosial Nectar.
ਭੈ ਭੰਜਨ ਮਿਹਰਵਾਨ ਦਾਸ ਕੀ ਰਾਖੀਐ॥
The Lord is the Merciful Destroyer of fear; He preserves and protects His slaves.
ਨਾਨਕ ਹਰਿ ਗੁਣ ਗਾਇ ਅਲਖੁ ਪ੍ਰਭੁ ਲਾਖੀਐ॥
O Nanak, sing the Glorious Praises of the Lord, and see the Unseen Lord God (Ang 91)
INTRODUCTORY KATHA
As mentioned above, there should be some advice given, then the couple matha teks out of agreement.
ARDAS
In this Ardas, the couple stands up as do the parents of the couple, and the granthi does a silent Ardas. It is important for the couple to know how to do Ardas by heart so they can follow along. Bhai Swaran Singh Ji reminds us to have the parents close for the Ardas.
HUKAMNAMA
These hukamnamas are important and should be understood and remembered.
PALLE DE RASAM
This is when the father of the bride puts the palla (the sash on the shoulder of the groom) into the hands of the bride. During this palla ceremony, a haar (necklace) is put around the bride, groom, and Guru Ji.
ਉਸਤਤਿ ਨਿੰਦਾ ਨਾਨਕ ਜੀ ਮੈ ਹਭ ਵਞਾਈ ਛੋੜਿਆ ਹਭੁ ਕਿਝੁ ਤਿਆਗੀ॥
I have totally discarded praise and slander, O Nanak; I have forsaken and abandoned everything.
ਹਭੇ ਸਾਕ ਕੂੜਾਵੇ ਡਿਠੇ ਤਉ ਪਲੈ ਤੈਡੈ ਲਾਗੀ॥੧॥
I have seen that all relationships are false, and so I have grasped hold of the hem of Your robe, Lord. (Ang 963)
Guru Ji says the relationships are false again in this shabad
ਕੂੜੁ ਮੀਆ ਕੂੜੁ ਬੀਬੀ ਖਪਿ ਹੋਏ ਖਾਰੁ॥
False is the husband, false is the wife; they mourn and waste away. Ang 468
The reason Guru Ji says this, is that if our relationship makes us forget the Creator, then that love is false because it won’t remain forever. The relationship is not false only if it connects the couple to Truth (God), and one shouldn’t be attached to the body you are coming together with.
Bhai Baljit Singh Ji explains that the father is saying that my responsibility of giving you good values is complete, and your responsibility now lies in each other, as each other’s sangat explained in Bhai Gurdas Diyan Vaaran (Var 13 Pauri 19)
ਇਕੁ ਸਿਖੁ ਦੁਇ ਸਾਧਸੰਗੁ ਪੰਜੀਂ ਪਰਮੇਸਰੁ।
One is a Sikh, two the congregation and in five resides God
The bride sits to the left of the groom. Usually I’ve seen they listen to the laav, matha tek, walk as the kirtan is done, and then matha tek and sit down again, repeated for a total of four times. In the Rehat Maryada, as Bhai Swaran Singh points out, it says not to sit down but to stay standing. “The boy and girl, after every circumambulation, should bow before the Guru Granth Sahib in genuflexion, lowering their forehead to touch the ground and then stand up to listen to the recitation of the next stanza. There being four matrimonial circumambulation stanzas in the concerned hymn, the proceeding will comprise four circumambulations with the incidental singing of the stanza. After the fourth circumambulation, the boy and girl should, after bowing before the Guru Granth Sahib, sit down at the appointed place and the ragis or the person who has conducted the ceremony should recite the first five and the last stanza of the Anand Sahib.”
FIRST LAAV
ਸੂਹੀ ਮਹਲਾ ੪॥ਹਰਿ ਪਹਿਲੜੀ ਲਾਵ ਪਰਵਿਰਤੀ ਕਰਮ ਦ੍ਰਿੜਾਇਆ ਬਲਿ ਰਾਮ ਜੀਉ॥ਬਾਣੀ ਬ੍ਰਹਮਾ ਵੇਦੁ ਧਰਮੁ ਦ੍ਰਿੜਹੁ ਪਾਪ ਤਜਾਇਆ ਬਲਿ ਰਾਮ ਜੀਉ॥ਧਰਮੁ ਦ੍ਰਿੜਹੁ ਹਰਿ ਨਾਮੁ ਧਿਆਵਹੁ ਸਿਮ੍ਰਿਤਿ ਨਾਮੁ ਦ੍ਰਿੜਾਇਆ॥ਸਤਿਗੁਰੁ ਗੁਰੁ ਪੂਰਾ ਆਰਾਧਹੁ ਸਭਿ ਕਿਲਵਿਖ ਪਾਪ ਗਵਾਇਆ॥ਸਹਜ ਅਨੰਦੁ ਹੋਆ ਵਡਭਾਗੀ ਮਨਿ ਹਰਿ ਹਰਿ ਮੀਠਾ ਲਾਇਆ॥ਜਨੁ ਕਹੈ ਨਾਨਕੁ ਲਾਵ ਪਹਿਲੀ ਆਰੰਭੁ ਕਾਜੁ ਰਚਾਇਆ॥੧॥ Ang 773
ਹਰਿ ਪਹਿਲੜੀ ਲਾਵ ਪਰਵਿਰਤੀ ਕਰਮ ਦ੍ਰਿੜਾਇਆ ਬਲਿ ਰਾਮ ਜੀਉ.
In the first Laav, In the first round of the marriage ceremony, the Lord sets out His instructions for performing the daily duties of married life.
Bhai Jagraj Singh Ji explains that there is a stage before the first laav, before we start the stage of saying God’s Name. The first stage is thus a spiritual awakening and the first stage towards our union with God. Bhai Baljit Singh Ji explains Privirtee means to attach oneself (join) to something and thus we need to understand how much we need to attach to worldly ways. We should attach ourselves the amount we need to survive and not do anything in excess. We learn that in our marriage, life is not just about maya (getting a house, kids) but about being one light
ਏਕ ਜੋਤਿ ਦੁਇ ਮੂਰਤੀ ਧਨ ਪਿਰੁ ਕਹੀਐ ਸੋਇ॥੩॥ (Ang 788).
“They alone are called husband and wife, who have one light in two bodies”
The Jogis asked Guru Nanak Dev Ji how to survive the world ocean (through maya). Guru Ji tells them to act like a lotus flower.
ਜੈਸੇ ਜਲ ਮਹਿ ਕਮਲੁ ਨਿਰਾਲਮੁ ਮੁਰਗਾਈ ਨੈ ਸਾਣੇ॥
ਸੁਰਤਿ ਸਬਦਿ ਭਵ ਸਾਗਰੁ ਤਰੀਐ ਨਾਨਕ ਨਾਮੁ ਵਖਾਣੇ॥
The lotus flower floats untouched upon the surface of the water, and the duck swims through the stream. With one's consciousness focused on the Word of the Shabad, one crosses over the terrifying world-ocean. O Nanak, chant the Naam, the Name of the Lord (Ang 938)
ਰੇ ਮਨ ਐਸੀ ਹਰਿ ਸਿਉ ਪ੍ਰੀਤਿ ਕਰਿ ਜੈਸੀ ਜਲ ਕਮਲੇਹਿ॥ ਲਹਰੀ ਨਾਲਿ ਪਛਾੜੀਐ ਭੀ ਵਿਗਸੈ ਅਸਨੇਹਿ॥
O mind, love the Lord, as the lotus loves the water. Tossed about by the waves, it still blossoms with love (Ang 59)
Bhai Baljit Singh Ji explained that the lotus has many features we can learn from: it lives above the water no matter how much the water rises (no matter what the stressors joy or suffering, we should remain afloat), the lotus faces the sun (our face should be sunmukh- towards our Guru Ji), it is full of fragrance and spread it (we should spread our love wherever we go). He explains we get four treasures (padarath) from sangat- kaam (desire), arth (wealth), dharam (path of righteousness), mokh (liberation) which also have the possibility of sinking us.
Bhai Sahib explains that we don’t need to make life so complicated (reading the Vedas) and we can get all we need from Guru’s Bani, just be firm in your Dharam.
ਬਾਣੀ ਬ੍ਰਹਮਾ ਵੇਦੁ ਧਰਮੁ ਦ੍ਰਿੜਹੁ ਪਾਪ ਤਜਾਇਆ ਬਲਿ ਰਾਮ ਜੀਉ॥
Instead of the hymns of the Vedas to Brahma, embrace the righteous conduct of Dharma, and renounce sinful actions.
ਧਰਮੁ ਦ੍ਰਿੜਹੁ ਹਰਿ ਨਾਮੁ ਧਿਆਵਹੁ ਸਿਮ੍ਰਿਤਿ ਨਾਮੁ ਦ੍ਰਿੜਾਇਆ॥
Meditate on the Lord's Name; embrace and enshrine the contemplative remembrance of the Naam.
We need to meditate on the shabad we are given: Waheguru is our Gurmantar. Bhai Sahib gives the example that when someone says a name and we don’t know that person, we aren’t able to focus on them, but if we know them our mind starts to focus on them. In the same way we can use the Mool Mantar to know God and start our focus on God’s qualities. The technique is not what gets us there but the love for God because Naam is already within us.
ਵਾਹਿਗੁਰੂ ਗੁਰ ਸਬਦੁ ਸੁਣਾਇਆ॥੧॥
Word Waheguru was imparted (by Guru Nanak) to the people. (Amrit Kirtan 337)
When Guru Nanak climbed a mountain that was unclimbable without miraculous powers, the jogis asked how he reached there. Guru Ji replied
ਗੁਰ ਸੰਗਤ ਬਾਣੀ ਬਿਨਾ ਦੂਜੀ ਓਟ ਨਹੀਂ ਹੈ ਰਾਈ॥
I have no support except of the Guru (God), holy congregation, and the Word (Bani) (Ang 246).
In the same way, we need to make our Guru Ji our support. Bahi Sahib explains there are two types of Gyan: instructions and inner Gyan. Bhagat Kabir says we must have instructional Gyan from Guru Ji then we can get Dharam, Guru Nanak Dev Ji explains that Dharam Khand comes first before Gyan Khand, but the type of Gyan Guru Ji is talking about is inner gyan. Therefore by following instructions of Guru Ji, we live in a boundary (Dharam) and achieve inner Gyan. Dharam means to live within a set of principles, but to have inner knowledge means to fully live it and understand it. Bhai Sahib explains that people often think nowadays that dharam is a prison, but it actually opens up a whole other world when we keep our 9 “doors” (9 openings in the body, 9 senses) under control and the 10thgate opens. This is explained in the following shabad:
ਕੂਪੁ ਭਰਿਓ ਜੈਸੇ ਦਾਦਿਰਾ ਕਛੁ ਦੇਸੁ ਬਿਦੇਸੁ ਨ ਬੂਝ॥
ਐਸੇ ਮੇਰਾ ਮਨੁ ਬਿਖਿਆ ਬਿਮੋਹਿਆ ਕਛੁ ਆਰਾ ਪਾਰੁ ਨ ਸੂਝ॥੧॥
The frog in the deep well knows nothing of its own country or other lands; Just so, my mind, infatuated with corruption, understands nothing about this world or the next (Ang 346)
Bhai Sahib provides this explanation: Those people who don’t believe are like the well full of frogs. The frogs are trying to escape the rain, so jump into the well. Now they cannot escape and more frogs are born into the well, who don’t know life outside of it. They are jumping around happily, new frogs jump in. The new frogs are depressed, asking why are you jumping around doing bhangra, what’s wrong with you? The frog replies why should I not be happy when I have seen the four corners of the world. I leaped one way, hit my head on the wall one one side, jumped the other way again and again and thus saw the four corners of the world! The depressed frog replied, you think this is the entire world? Thus, those who don’t want to live in dharam think they are free and see everything but they haven’t really seen life beyond this small physical world. In this analogy we can see that people jumping one way would be having a nice house, jumping again to be getting married and having children, and another leap to be status, etc. In actuality there’s so much more to life to be explored.
In the shabad on Ang 1372, Kabeer explains the types of stages that we go through to join God from being like a pebble to water.
ਕਬੀਰ ਰੋੜਾ ਹੋਇ ਰਹੁ ਬਾਟ ਕਾ ਤਜਿ ਮਨ ਕਾ ਅਭਿਮਾਨੁ॥ਐਸਾ ਕੋਈ ਦਾਸੁ ਹੋਇ ਤਾਹਿ ਮਿਲੈ ਭਗਵਾਨੁ॥੧੪੬॥ਕਬੀਰ ਰੋੜਾ ਹੂਆ ਤ ਕਿਆ ਭਇਆ ਪੰਥੀ ਕਉ ਦੁਖੁ ਦੇਇ॥ਐਸਾ ਤੇਰਾ ਦਾਸੁ ਹੈ ਜਿਉ ਧਰਨੀ ਮਹਿ ਖੇਹ॥੧੪੭॥ਕਬੀਰ ਖੇਹ ਹੂਈ ਤਉ ਕਿਆ ਭਇਆ ਜਉ ਉਡਿ ਲਾਗੈ ਅੰਗ॥ਹਰਿ ਜਨੁ ਐਸਾ ਚਾਹੀਐ ਜਿਉ ਪਾਨੀ ਸਰਬੰਗ॥੧੪੮॥ਕਬੀਰ ਪਾਨੀ ਹੂਆ ਤ ਕਿਆ ਭਇਆ ਸੀਰਾ ਤਾਤਾ ਹੋਇ॥ਹਰਿ ਜਨੁ ਐਸਾ ਚਾਹੀਐ ਜੈਸਾ ਹਰਿ ਹੀ ਹੋਇ॥੧੪੯॥
Kabeer, let yourself be a pebble on the path; abandon your egotistical pride. Such a humble slave shall meet the Lord God. Kabeer, what good would it be, to be a pebble? It would only hurt the traveller on the path. Your slave, O Lord, is like the dust of the earth. Kabeer, what then, if one could become dust? It is blown up by the wind, and sticks to the body. The humble servant of the Lord should be like water, which cleans everything. Kabeer, what then, if one could become water? It becomes cold, then hot. The humble servant of the Lord should be just like the Lord.
Next in the laavan:
ਸਤਿਗੁਰੁ ਗੁਰੁ ਪੂਰਾ ਆਰਾਧਹੁ ਸਭਿ ਕਿਲਵਿਖ ਪਾਪ ਗਵਾਇਆ॥
Worship and adore the Guru, the Perfect True Guru, and all your sins shall be dispelled.
ਸਹਜ ਅਨੰਦੁ ਹੋਆ ਵਡਭਾਗੀ ਮਨਿ ਹਰਿਹ ਰਿ ਮੀਠਾ ਲਾਇਆ॥
By great good fortune, celestial bliss is attained, and the Lord, Har, Har, seems sweet to the mind.
ਜਨੁ ਕਹੈ ਨਾਨਕੁ ਲਾਵ ਪਹਿਲੀ ਆਰੰਭੁ ਕਾਜੁ ਰਚਾਇਆ॥੧॥
Servant Nanak proclaims that, in this, the first round of the marriage ceremony, the marriage ceremony has begun. ||1||
Bhai Jagraj Singh explains that in this stage we have awoken to God’s will, and our duty. We enshrine God’s Bani and absorb in moral and spiritual actions. While we work, we can have our focus on God, as in these shabads (explained in Bhai Baljit Singh’s katha):
ਹਾਥ ਪਾਉ ਕਰਿ ਕਾਮੁ ਸਭੁ ਚੀਤੁ ਨਿਰੰਜਨ ਨਾਲਿ॥੨੧੩॥
With your hands and feet, do all your work, but let your consciousness remain with the Immaculate Lord. 1376
ਪੰਚ ਜਨਾ ਸਿਉ ਬਾਤ ਬਤਊਆ ਚੀਤੁ ਸੁ ਡੋਰੀ ਰਾਖੀਅਲੇ॥੧॥
Talking with his friends, he still keeps his attention on the kite string.
Bhai Dya Singh JI describes the couple walks together on their spiritual journey as the soul yearns to find its path, and encourages us to “reflect on the physical aspects of your married life. The love you feel for your soul mate with you; the kind of ‘house’ you want; your relationship with your in-laws; the harmony between your two families; your material requirements, your vocational aspirations and how you are going to achieve them.”
Sant Singh Ji Maskeen describes that in this stage, an individual starts the action phase of sitting in sangat, listening to katha, simran, kirtan, and following a virtuous way of life. Yet the mental action has not begun, thus it is called karam khand. Those who stop at this stage become rigid, harsh, and cruel because “such a person will have the ‘stamp’ of religion upon him and therefore under the name of religion he will give birth to harshness and cruelty.” This then breaks the faith of other people because they think this is what religion is: “when a religious person commits an error or sin, he breaks the devotion of millions of people and they lose faith in religion and God” and the reason the error was made was because he stayed in this first stage and didn’t progress, and then people are turned away from religion because of this. He writes “In ritualism, the physical body had carried out some religious action but the mind was not involved at all. It was all mechanical; if there would have been some concentration and the mind would have also been involved, knowledge would have taken birth. The deeper the concentration, the higher the knowledge. The power of higher knowledge makes a man rise to heights of moral behavior…” There needs to be regularity in action, discipline and dedication to be at this stage. Once done with concentration, the mind is able to memorize Gurbani and recite with eyes closed, listening to the sound. This engages the mind. If anyone is unable to read Gurbani he says the same can be accomplished japing Gurmantar (Waheguru Shabad). Although we start with physical action, we should move towards engaging the mind, and only then will it become part of a person’s character. He explains the first laav is complete when one’s actions become effortless, born out of love and longing.
SECOND LAAV
ਹਰਿ ਦੂਜੜੀ ਲਾਵ ਸਤਿਗੁਰੁ ਪੁਰਖੁ ਮਿਲਾਇਆ ਬਲਿ ਰਾਮ ਜੀਉ॥ਨਿਰਭਉ ਭੈ ਮਨੁ ਹੋਇ ਹਉਮੈ ਮੈਲੁ ਗਵਾਇਆ ਬਲਿ ਰਾਮ ਜੀਉ॥ਨਿਰਮਲੁ ਭਉ ਪਾਇਆ ਹਰਿ ਗੁਣ ਗਾਇਆ ਹਰਿ ਵੇਖੈ ਰਾਮੁ ਹਦੂਰੇ॥ਹਰਿ ਆਤਮ ਰਾਮੁ ਪਸਾਰਿਆ ਸੁਆਮੀ ਸਰਬ ਰਹਿਆ ਭਰਪੂਰੇ॥ਅੰਤਰਿ ਬਾਹਰਿ ਹਰਿ ਪ੍ਰਭੁ ਏਕੋ ਮਿਲਿ ਹਰਿ ਜਨ ਮੰਗਲ ਗਾਏ॥ਜਨ ਨਾਨਕ ਦੂਜੀ ਲਾਵ ਚਲਾਈ ਅਨਹਦ ਸਬਦ ਵਜਾਏ॥੨॥ (Ang 774)
ਹਰਿ ਦੂਜੜੀ ਲਾਵ ਸਤਿਗੁਰੁ ਪੁਰਖੁ ਮਿਲਾਇਆ ਬਲਿ ਰਾਮ ਜੀਉ॥
In the second round of the marriage ceremony, the Lord leads you to meet the True Guru, the Primal Being.
ਨਿਰਭਉ ਭੈ ਮਨੁ ਹੋਇ ਹਉਮੈ ਮੈਲੁ ਗਵਾਇਆ ਬਲਿ ਰਾਮ ਜੀਉ॥
With the Fear of God, the Fearless Lord in the mind, the filth of egotism is eradicated.
Bhai Baljit Singh Ji explains that at this stage we develop fear of God- we are conscious of God’s presence and choose our actions accordingly. Guru Ji tells us that this is the way to lose our ego and move forward on our path. From this fear, then other fears disappear and we become fearless (Nirbou).
ਡਡਾ ਡਰ ਉਪਜੇ ਡਰੁ ਜਾਈ॥
Dadda (Guru Ji defines this letter): When the Fear of God wells up, other fears depart.
ਤਾ ਡਰ ਮਹਿ ਡਰੁ ਰਹਿਆ ਸਮਾਈ॥
Other fears are absorbed into that Fear (Ang 341)
Similarly in our worldly relationship, Bhai Sahib explains that its appropriate to have fear of your partner, in a positive way; the conscious awareness that you don’t want to hurt them with your actions and to respect the relationship. In this next line, Guru Ji tells us about Nirmal Bhou which means to have a love that follows from a fear.
ਨਿਰਮਲੁ ਭਉ ਪਾਇਆ ਹਰਿ ਗੁਣ ਗਾਇਆ ਹਰਿ ਵੇਖੈ ਰਾਮੁ ਹਦੂਰੇ॥
In the Fear of God, the Immaculate Lord, sing the Glorious Praises of the Lord, and behold the Lord's Presence before you.
This is further explained by
ਨਾਨਕ ਜਿਨ੍ਹ੍ਹ ਮਨਿ ਭਉ ਤਿਨ੍ਹ੍ਹਾ ਮਨਿ ਭਾਉ॥੨॥
O Nanak, those whose minds are filled with the Fear of God, have the love of God in their minds as well. ||2|| Ang 465.
In this stage, the individual feels the presence of God everywhere but is not yet merged into God. We sing God’s prasies in sangat.
ਹਰਿ ਆਤਮ ਰਾਮੁ ਪਸਾਰਿਆ ਸੁਆਮੀ ਸਰਬ ਰਹਿਆ ਭਰਪੂਰੇ॥
The Lord, the Supreme Soul, is the Lord and Master of the Universe; He is pervading and permeating everywhere, fully filling all spaces.
ਅੰਤਰਿ ਬਾਹਰਿ ਹਰਿ ਪ੍ਰਭੁ ਏਕੋ ਮਿਲਿ ਹਰਿ ਜਨ ਮੰਗਲ ਗਾਏ॥
Deep within, and outside as well, there is only the One Lord God. Meeting together, the humble servants of the Lord sing the songs of joy.
In the next line, Guru Ji tells us that the laav is “chalayee” meaning that someone else (God) is running this process of laavan- we do not move through these stages on our own. The Anhad Bani occurs by itself and the shabads are without limit.
ਜਨ ਨਾਨਕ ਦੂਜੀ ਲਾਵ ਚਲਾਈ ਅਨਹਦ ਸਬਦਵ ਜਾਏ॥੨॥
Servant Nanak proclaims that, in this, the second round of the marriage ceremony, the unstruck sound current of the Shabad resounds.
In this avastha (stage), Bhai Jagraj Singh Ji tells us that we become in a dream-like state. The mind loses its ego. Bhai Dya Singh Ji tells us that we are in awe of Waheguru and become free of fear. He asks us to explore the following questions: “What kind of ‘home’ environment do you wish to create with your soul mate, for family, for visitors, for your offsprings? What direction is your spiritual growth going to take place? What kind of temperament do you wish of your soul mate and your offsprings? What efforts will you make towards your own spiritual growth with your soul mate and of your future offsprings – God-willing? Learn Punjabi for a start maybe? Research into gurbani? Learn how to do kirtan? Do regular Nitnem and naam simran? Even, what kind of books do you want in your home library?”
In this stage, Gyani Sant Singh Ji Maskeen writes that the fear of death disappears, and the mental action has therefore begun. Giani Ji also says that the number of people that are in the second stage is much less than the first stage, and for the most part Gurdwaras are generally filled with people sitting at the first stage. It is a rare person who is at this 2ndstage, and even rarer to move further along the laavan “Among millions, O Nanak, there is scarcely anyone who keeps the Lord in his consciousness” (Ang 274). The physical action is a necessary start to awaken the consciousness eventually and it is better to be ritualistic (stage 1) than not to have started at all. The importance of sitting in congregation is that by listening to kirtan and katha “the mind gets influenced by the power and presence of God Almighty.” He describes when one starts going to the Gurdwara with love and devotion rather than personal desire, that is Dharam. Even a person’s job can be a dharam if there is devotion like Bhagat Ravidas mending shoes. Giani Ji writes “this profession is also his religion. He is mending the shoes with a feeling of welfare service for others with a ‘Bhav.’ In his heart, he says ‘O God You have made this as my profession to earn my living and all these people whose shoes I mend are Your forms only. I am doing their service so thanks to You, my Lord God.” Even a religious action like Akhand Paath or kirtan can be a business if it is performed so a certain desire or wish is fulfilled. This is not the purpose of religion to just get what you want, rather we need to accept the Hukam (will of God).
When one has total faith, that individual comes to mind again and again. For example Giani Ji writes “l often say that to remember one's son, is there any need to play the harmonium? Is there any need to beat the tablas ? ls there any need to read out stories or talk philosophical things. The remembrance of a son or a friend comes on its own without any effort…On the contrary, to remember God one plays the harmonium (musical instruments), carries out the reading of scriptures, worships, attends holy congregation, does kirtan, sings the glory of God through hymns, listens to the holy Shabads, carries out spiritual talks and listens to discourses etc. and yet I can say with total conviction that the mind is not fully in the remembrance of God.” At this stage actions start to become filled with love and devotion. He reminds us that the only real happiness will come from union with God otherwise no matter how many comforts one gets you will still be in pain inside. When the second laav is complete one’s faith is not shaken (whereas one can become stagnant or turn back from the first stage still). If one dies at this stage, Giani Ji says the entire spiritual journey occurs in the next birth.One takes birth again in that same stage (to a mother who has a similar mental impression) because only when a person is in the fourth laav is their journey complete and they are not reborn again.
THIRD LAAV
ਹਰਿ ਤੀਜੜੀ ਲਾਵ ਮਨਿ ਚਾਉ ਭਇਆ ਬੈਰਾਗੀਆ ਬਲਿ ਰਾਮ ਜੀਉ॥ਸੰਤ ਜਨਾ ਹਰਿ ਮੇਲੁ ਹਰਿ ਪਾਇਆ ਵਡਭਾਗੀਆ ਬਲਿ ਰਾਮ ਜੀਉ॥ਨਿਰਮਲੁ ਹਰਿ ਪਾਇਆ ਹਰਿ ਗੁਣ ਗਾਇਆ ਮੁਖਿ ਬੋਲੀ ਹਰਿ ਬਾਣੀ॥ਸੰਤ ਜਨਾ ਵਡਭਾਗੀ ਪਾਇਆ ਹਰਿ ਕਥੀਐ ਅਕਥ ਕਹਾਣੀ॥ਹਿਰਦੈ ਹਰਿ ਹਰਿ ਹਰਿ ਧੁਨਿ ਉਪਜੀ ਹਰਿ ਜਪੀਐ ਮਸਤਕਿ ਭਾਗੁ ਜੀਉ॥ਜਨੁ ਨਾਨਕੁ ਬੋਲੇ ਤੀਜੀ ਲਾਵੈ ਹਰਿ ਉਪਜੈ ਮਨਿ ਬੈਰਾਗੁ ਜੀਉ॥੩॥ (Ang 774)
ਹਰਿ ਤੀਜੜੀ ਲਾਵ ਮਨਿ ਚਾਉ ਭਇਆ ਬੈਰਾਗੀਆ ਬਲਿ ਰਾਮ ਜੀਉ॥
In the third round of the marriage ceremony, the mind is filled with Divine Love.
Bhai Baljit Singh explains that at this stage, one realizes they feel the presence of God but are not yet merged. Chao means that the bride has a desire for her new life, and also means the soul-bride’s yearning to be one with God. Bairag means to be detached from worldly things. Guru Ji reminds us in many ways not to attach ourselves to temporary things. Bairag also refers to the pain of intense love and separation and desire to be merged with God.
ਹਰਿ ਪ੍ਰੇਮ ਬਾਣੀ ਮਨੁ ਮਾਰਿਆ ਅਣੀਆਲੇਅ ਣੀਆ ਰਾਮ ਰਾਜੇ॥ (Ang 449)
The Bani of the Lord's Love is the pointed arrow, which has pierced my mind, O Lord King
ਜਿਸੁ ਲਾਗੀ ਪੀਰ ਪਿਰੰਮ ਕੀਸੋ ਜਾਣੈ ਜਰੀਆ॥ (Ang 229)
Only those who feel the pain of this love, know how to endure it
On Ang 624 Guru Ji explains that just like a bride is comforted by her husband, the soul-bride cannot fall asleep because her husband has gone away.
ਦਹ ਦਿਸ ਛਤ੍ਰ ਮੇਘ ਘਟਾ ਘਟ ਦਾਮਨਿ ਚਮਕਿ ਡਰਾਇਓ॥ ਸੇਜ ਇਕੇਲੀ ਨੀਦ ਨਹੁ ਨੈਨਹ ਪਿਰੁ ਪਰਦੇਸਿ ਸਿਧਾਇਓ॥੧॥ ਹੁਣਿ ਨਹੀ ਸੰਦੇਸਰੋ ਮਾਇਓ॥ ਏਕ ਕੋਸਰੋ ਸਿਧਿ ਕਰਤ ਲਾਲੁ ਤਬ ਚਤੁਰ ਪਾਤਰੋ ਆਇਓ॥ਰਹਾਉ॥ ਕਿਉ ਬਿਸਰੈ ਇਹੁ ਲਾਲੁ ਪਿਆਰੋ ਸਰਬ ਗੁਣਾ ਸੁਖ ਦਾਇਓ॥ ਮੰਦਰਿ ਚਰਿ ਕੈ ਪੰਥੁ ਨਿਹਾਰਉ ਨੈਨ ਨੀਰਿ ਭਰਿ ਆਇਓ॥੨॥ ਹਉ ਹਉ ਭੀਤਿ ਭਇਓ ਹੈ ਬੀਚੋ ਸੁਨਤ ਦੇਸਿ ਨਿਕਟਾਇਓ॥ ਭਾਂਭੀਰੀ ਕੇ ਪਾਤ ਪਰਦੋ ਬਿਨੁ ਪੇਖੇ ਦੂਰਾਇਓ॥੩॥ ਭਇਓ ਕਿਰਪਾਲੁ ਸਰਬ ਕੋ ਠਾਕੁਰੁ ਸਗਰੋ ਦੂਖੁ ਮਿਟਾਇਓ॥ ਕਹੁ ਨਾਨਕ ਹਉਮੈ ਭੀਤਿ ਗੁਰਿ ਖੋਈ ਤਉ ਦਇਆਰੁ ਬੀਠਲੋ ਪਾਇਓ॥੪॥
In the ten directions, the clouds cover the sky like a canopy; through the dark clouds, lightning flashes, and I am terrified.By bed is empty, and my eyes are sleepless; my Husband Lord has gone far away. ||1|| Now, I receive no messages from Him, O mother! When my Beloved used to go even a mile away, He would send me four letters. ||Pause|| How could I forget this Dear Beloved of mine? He is the Giver of peace, and all virtues. Ascending to His Mansion, I gaze upon His path, and my eyes are filled with tears. ||2| The wall of egotism and pride separates us, but I can hear Him nearby. There is a veil between us, like the wings of a butterfly; without being able to see Him, He seems so far away. ||3|| The Lord and Master of all has become merciful; He has dispelled all my sufferings. Says Nanak, when the Guru tore down the wall of egotism, then, I found my Merciful Lord and Master. ||4||.
Bhai Sahib shows us some shabads that also describe this stage and the feeling of Bairag
ਸੁਣਿ ਯਾਰ ਹਮਾਰੇ ਸਜਣ ਇਕ ਕਰਉ ਬੇਨੰਤੀਆ॥ ਤਿਸੁ ਮੋਹਨ ਲਾਲ ਪਿਆਰੇ ਹਉ ਫਿਰਉ ਖੋਜੰਤੀਆ॥
Listen, O my intimate friend - I have just one prayer to make I have been wandering around, searching for that enticing, sweet Beloved (Ang 703)
ਨੈਨ ਹਮਾਰੇ ਪ੍ਰਿਅ ਰੰਗ ਰੰਗਾਰੇ ਇਕੁ ਤਿਲੁ ਭੀ ਨਾ ਧੀਰੀਜੈ॥
My eyes are drenched with the Love of my Beloved; without Him, I do not have even a moment's peace. (Ang 703)
ਆਵਹੁ ਸਜਣਾ ਹਉ ਦੇਖਾ ਦਰਸਨੁ ਤੇਰਾ ਰਾਮ॥
Come, my friend, so that I may behold the blessed Vision of Your Darshan (Ang 764)
ਦੁਖੁ ਵੇਛੋੜਾ ਇਕੁ ਦੁਖੁ ਭੂਖ॥
The pain of separation - this is the hungry pain I feel (Ang 1256)
ਕਾਗਾ ਕਰੰਗ ਢੰਢੋਲਿਆ ਸਗਲਾ ਖਾਇਆ ਮਾਸੁ॥ਏ ਦੁਇ ਨੈਨਾ ਮਤਿ ਛੁਹਉ ਪਿਰ ਦੇਖਨ ਕੀ ਆਸ॥੯੧॥
The crows have searched my skeleton, and eaten all my flesh. But please do not touch these eyes; I hope to see my Lord. (Ang 1382)In this line, the crows (death) are approaching, and one is saying “Don’t touch my Vairag because that eye is my true wisdom”
Then finally one meets with the Santsin sangat:
ਸੰਤ ਜਨਾ ਹਰਿ ਮੇਲੁ ਹਰਿ ਪਾਇਆ ਵਡਭਾਗੀਆ ਬਲਿ ਰਾਮ ਜੀਉ॥
Meeting with the humble Saints of the Lord, I have found the Lord, by great good fortune.
ਨਿਰਮਲੁ ਹਰਿ ਪਾਇਆ ਹਰਿ ਗੁਣ ਗਾਇਆ ਮੁਖਿ ਬੋਲੀ ਹਰਿ ਬਾਣੀ॥
I have found the Immaculate Lord, and I sing the Glorious Praises of the Lord. I speak the Word of the Lord's Bani.
ਸੰਤ ਜਨਾ ਵਡਭਾਗੀ ਪਾਇਆ ਹਰਿ ਕਥੀਐ ਅਕਥ ਕਹਾਣੀ॥
By great good fortune, I have found the humble Saints, and I speak the Unspoken Speech of the Lord.
ਹਿਰਦੈ ਹਰਿ ਹਰਿ ਹਰਿ ਧੁਨਿ ਉਪਜੀ ਹਰਿ ਜਪੀਐ ਮਸਤਕਿ ਭਾਗੁ ਜੀਉ॥
The Name of the Lord, Har, Har, Har, vibrates and resounds within my heart; meditating on the Lord, I have realized the destiny inscribed upon my forehead.
ਜਨੁ ਨਾਨਕੁ ਬੋਲੇ ਤੀਜੀ ਲਾਵੈ ਹਰਿ ਉਪਜੈ ਮਨਿ ਬੈਰਾਗੁ ਜੀਉ॥੩॥
Servant Nanak proclaims that, in this, the third round of the marriage ceremony, the mind is filled with Divine Love for the Lord. ||3||
Bhai Jagraj Sing Ji describes that in this state we are in “Sushpati Avastha”, a dreamless sleep where we are fully detached. One separates from the world and feels the pain of separation from God. Dya Singh Ji describes that ones becomes deeply devoted, the couple detaches from the maya they have accumulated and attaches to God. In this stage, Giani Sant Singh Ji Maskeen writes that the listening of Anhad Naad turns the person into a Vairagi who has no attachment with the material aspects of life, despite living in a family oriented life. One has a craving to see God, as you have only heard God’s voice (Anhad Bani, Naam). One’s faith cannot be broken at this stage, despite any worldly suffering. An intense longing is awakened. Gurbani says,
ਹਉ ਰਹਿ ਨ ਸਕਾ ਬਿਨੁ ਦੇਖੇ ਪ੍ਰੀਤਮਾ ਮੈ ਨੀਰੁ ਵਹੇ ਵਹਿ ਚਲੈ ਜੀਉ॥੩॥Ang 94
I cannot survive without seeing my Beloved. My eyes are welling up with tears.
Maskeen Ji explains that these tears are like the water that allows a garden to grow: “The love of God also requires the water (tears) of the eyes. The fruit of union only then appears if the sapling of love is irrigated with tears…Love-sickness gets converted into continuous remembrance (simran) of God, then remembrance gets upgraded into ‘love.’ On manifestation of love, God, the owner of the world, takes us into His fold” and that is when we merge.
FOURTH LAAV
ਹਰਿ ਚਉਥੜੀ ਲਾਵ ਮਨਿ ਸਹਜੁ ਭਇਆ ਹਰਿ ਪਾਇਆ ਬਲਿ ਰਾਮ ਜੀਉ॥ਗੁਰਮੁਖਿ ਮਿਲਿਆ ਸੁਭਾਇ ਹਰਿ ਮਨਿ ਤਨਿ ਮੀਠਾ ਲਾਇਆ ਬਲਿ ਰਾਮ ਜੀਉ॥ਹਰਿ ਮੀਠਾ ਲਾਇਆ ਮੇਰੇ ਪ੍ਰਭ ਭਾਇਆ ਅਨਦਿਨੁ ਹਰਿ ਲਿਵ ਲਾਈ॥ਮਨ ਚਿੰਦਿਆ ਫਲੁ ਪਾਇਆ ਸੁਆਮੀ ਹਰਿ ਨਾਮਿ ਵਜੀ ਵਾਧਾਈ॥ਹਰਿ ਪ੍ਰਭਿ ਠਾਕੁਰਿ ਕਾਜੁ ਰਚਾਇਆ ਧਨ ਹਿਰਦੈ ਨਾਮਿ ਵਿਗਾਸੀ॥ਜਨੁ ਨਾਨਕੁ ਬੋਲੇ ਚਉਥੀ ਲਾਵੈ ਹਰਿ ਪਾਇਆ ਪ੍ਰਭੁ ਅਵਿਨਾਸੀ॥੪॥੨॥ Ang 774
In the fourth laav, Bhai Jagraj Singh Ji explains that the mind merges with God and enters the state of Sehaj which is also known as being Jeevan Mukht (liberated while alive); our life purpose is achieved and we are in Anand!
ਹਰਿ ਚਉਥੜੀ ਲਾਵ ਮਨਿ ਸਹਜੁ ਭਇਆਹ ਰਿ ਪਾਇਆ ਬਲਿ ਰਾਮ ਜੀਉ॥
In the fourth round of the marriage ceremony, my mind has become peaceful; I have found the Lord.
ਗੁਰਮੁਖਿ ਮਿਲਿਆ ਸੁਭਾਇ ਹਰਿ ਮਨਿ ਤਨਿ ਮੀਠਾ ਲਾਇਆ ਬਲਿ ਰਾਮ ਜੀਉ॥
As Gurmukh, I have met Him, with intuitive ease; the Lord seems so sweet to my mind and body.
ਹਰਿ ਮੀਠਾ ਲਾਇਆ ਮੇਰੇ ਪ੍ਰਭ ਭਾਇਆ ਅਨਦਿਨੁ ਹਰਿ ਲਿਵ ਲਾਈ॥
The Lord seems so sweet; I am pleasing to my God. Night and day, I lovingly focus my consciousness on the Lord.
ਮਨ ਚਿੰਦਿਆ ਫਲੁ ਪਾਇਆ ਸੁਆਮੀ ਹਰਿ ਨਾਮਿ ਵਜੀ ਵਾਧਾਈ॥
I have obtained my Lord and Master, the fruit of my mind's desires. The Lord's Name resounds and resonates.
ਹਰਿ ਪ੍ਰਭਿ ਠਾਕੁਰਿ ਕਾਜੁਰ ਚਾਇਆ ਧਨ ਹਿਰਦੈ ਨਾਮਿ ਵਿਗਾਸੀ॥
The Lord God, my Lord and Master, blends with His bride, and her heart blossoms forth in the Naam.
ਜਨੁ ਨਾਨਕੁ ਬੋਲੇ ਚਉਥੀ ਲਾਵੈ ਹਰਿ ਪਾਇਆ ਪ੍ਰਭੁ ਅਵਿਨਾਸੀ॥੪॥੨॥
Servant Nanak proclaims that, in this, the fourth round of the marriage ceremony, we have found the Eternal Lord God. ||4||2||
Bhai Baljit Singh Ji further expands upon this avastha (state) using the shabad below. Such a person who is in Sehaj should have these features.
ਜੋ ਨਰੁ ਦੁਖ ਮੈ ਦੁਖੁ ਨਹੀ ਮਾਨੈ॥ That man, who in the midst of pain, does not feel pain,ਸੁਖ ਸਨੇਹੁ ਅਰੁ ਭੈ ਨਹੀ ਜਾ ਕੈ ਕੰਚਨ ਮਾਟੀ ਮਾਨੈ॥੧॥ਰਹਾਉ॥ Who is not affected by pleasure, affection or fear, and who looks alike upon gold and dust;||1||Pause||ਨਹ ਨਿੰਦਿਆ ਨਹ ਉਸਤਤਿ ਜਾ ਕੈ ਲੋਭੁ ਮੋਹੁ ਅਭਿਮਾਨਾ॥ Who is not swayed by either slander or praise, nor affected by greed, attachment or pride;ਹਰਖ ਸੋਗ ਤੇ ਰਹੈ ਨਿਆਰਉ ਨਾਹਿ ਮਾਨ ਅਪਮਾਨਾ॥੧॥Who remains unaffected by joy and sorrow, honor and dishonor; ਆਸਾ ਮਨਸਾ ਸਗਲ ਤਿਆਗੈ ਜਗ ਤੇ ਰਹੈ ਨਿਰਾਸਾ॥ Who renounces all hopes and desires and remains desireless in the world;ਕਾਮੁ ਕ੍ਰੋਧੁ ਜਿਹ ਪਰਸੈ ਨਾਹਨਿ ਤਿਹ ਘਟਿ ਬ੍ਰਹਮੁ ਨਿਵਾਸਾ॥੨॥ Who is not touched by sexual desire or anger - within his heart, God dwells. ਗੁਰ ਕਿਰਪਾ ਜਿਹ ਨਰ ਕਉ ਕੀਨੀ ਤਿਹ ਇਹ ਜੁਗਤਿ ਪਛਾਨੀ॥ That man, blessed by Guru's Grace, understands this way.ਨਾਨਕ ਲੀਨ ਭਇਓ ਗੋਬਿੰਦ ਸਿਉ ਜਿਉ ਪਾਨੀ ਸੰਗਿ ਪਾਨੀ॥੩॥੧੧॥ O Nanak, he merges with the Lord of the Universe, like water with water. (Ang 633)
Furthermore,
ਤੈਸਾ ਮਾਨੁ ਤੈਸਾ ਅਭਿਮਾਨੁ॥ As is honor, so is dishonor
ਤੈਸਾ ਰੰਕੁ ਤੈਸਾਰਾ ਜਾਨੁ॥ As is the beggar, so is the king (Ang 275)
Bhai Dya Singh Ji describes that as we walk around Guru Ji during the laavan we should be reflecting on these and how we will reach this final stage of Anand. It isn’t that we will be spared of having bad things happen to us, but rather we will still be in the state of Anand. Bhai Baljit Singh Ji gives the example of Guru Gobind Singh Ji- Aurangzeb waited for the moment that Guru Ji, having lost his family, would turn to God and ask what have you done to me; yet Guru Ji still wrote the shabad Mitr Pyare Nu.
ਮਿਤ੍ਰਪਿਆਰੇਨੂੰਹਾਲੁਮੁਰੀਦਾਦਾਕਹਣਾ॥
Convey to the dear friend the condition of the disciples (Sri Dasam Granth Sahib)
In this shabad he not only calls God a friend, but explains he is in Anand as long as there is no separation from God. While we assume that becoming in Sehaj means nothing bad happens to us, it means that we don’t experience the pain of the ups and downs of life; its not that we don’t have any hopes or desires but that we don’t get attached to them. Bhai Sahib shares an experience of Bhagat Sain which is written in Bhai Gurdas Ji’s Vaaran (Vaar 10 Pauri 16). There was a day when Bhagat Sain had visitors that did kirtan all night; he was so immersed he couldn’t leave and missed his work. Then the king appeared and said he did such amazing work that day; God had appeared in the form of Sain at his workplace as there was no longer separation between Sain and God:
ਸੈਣ ਰੂਪਿ ਹਰਿ ਜਾਇਕੈ ਆਇਆ ਰਾਣੈ ਨੋ ਰੀਝਾਈ। (Bhai Gurdas Vaar 10 Pauri 16)
God himself took the form of Sain. He served the king in such a way that the king was overjoyed.
Giani Sant Singh Ji Maskeen writes in this stage, when all actions are done, and there is an urge to see God, one is in the fourth stage. “Infourth Lavan, he will realize God, but not through his own efforts or intelligence, rather God appeared on HIS own spontaneously.” We realize that none of our efforts or actions can get us the bliss of meeting God “After making continuous efforts, hard work and actions, one comes to the conclusion that none of these can be the price of the Supreme Being. One comes to know that not any act of mine is the price of this supreme bliss.” Yet he explains if we hadn’t gone thorugh the actions stage we would not be able to understand that we could not attain God without any amount of action; one must put in the effort to make the mind thoughtless for God to manifest. This state is Sunn Samaadh. The bliss, energy and virtual are limitless as God is limitless. Giani Ji gives us the advice that we should always be looking ahead to people who are further in their spiritual journey than us, to feel devotion for God, and to have ideals to be like Bhagat Kabir and Bhai Gurdas.
SHABADS
Following the completion of the Laavan Bhai Baljit Singh Ji then said there should be readings of the Saloks of Baghat Farid to educate the couples. Someone asked Bhagat Ji what education, what clothes, what qualities do I need, what mantar do I need to awaken from inside? The wife of Raja Shiv Nath asked Guru Nanak Dev Ji what qualities do I need to capture my husband’s love? Guru Ji used Bhagat Farid’s slok and said that the same qualities to be one with God are the same ones to have a successful marriage. The answer was to have humility, forgiveness and sweet speech.
ਕਵਣੁ ਸੁ ਅਖਰੁ ਕਵਣੁ ਗੁਣੁ ਕਵਣੁ ਸੁ ਮਣੀਆ ਮੰਤੁ॥
What is that word, what is that virtue, and what is that magic mantra?
ਕਵਣੁ ਸੁ ਵੇਸੋ ਹਉ ਕਰੀ ਜਿਤੁ ਵਸਿ ਆਵੈ ਕੰਤੁ॥੧੨੬॥
What are those clothes, which I can wear to captivate my Husband Lord? ||126||
ਨਿਵਣੁ ਸੁ ਅਖਰੁ ਖਵਣੁ ਗੁਣੁ ਜਿਹਬਾ ਮਣੀ ਆਮੰਤੁ॥
Humility is the word, forgiveness is the virtue, and sweet speech is the magic mantra.
ਏ ਤ੍ਰੈ ਭੈਣੇ ਵੇਸ ਕਰਿ ਤਾਂ ਵਸਿ ਆਵੀਕੰ ਤੁ॥੧੨੭॥
Wear these three robes, O sister, and you will captivate your Husband Lord. ||127|| Ang 1384
There is the reading of the Shabads Viyah Hoya Mera Babula and Poori Asa:
ਵੀਆਹੁ ਹੋਆ ਮੇਰੇ ਬਾਬੁਲਾ ਗੁਰਮੁਖੇ ਹਰਿ ਪਾਇਆ॥ My marriage has been performed, O my father. As Gurmukh, I have found the Lord. ਅਗਿਆਨੁ ਅੰਧੇਰਾ ਕਟਿਆ ਗੁਰ ਗਿਆਨੁ ਪ੍ਰਚੰਡੁ ਬਲਾਇਆ॥ The darkness of ignorance has been dispelled. The Guru has revealed the blazing light of spiritual wisdom.ਬਲਿਆ ਗੁਰ ਗਿਆਨੁ ਅੰਧੇਰਾ ਬਿਨਸਿਆ ਹਰਿ ਰਤਨੁ ਪਦਾਰਥੁ ਲਾਧਾ॥ This spiritual wisdom given by the Guru shines forth, and the darkness has been dispelled. I have found the Priceless Jewel of the Lord.ਹਉਮੈ ਰੋਗੁ ਗਇਆ ਦੁਖੁ ਲਾਥਾ ਆਪੁ ਆਪੈ ਗੁਰਮਤਿ ਖਾਧਾ॥ The sickness of my ego has been dispelled, and my pain is over and done. Through the Guru's Teachings, my identity has consumed my identical identity. ਅਕਾਲ ਮੂਰਤਿ ਵਰੁ ਪਾਇਆ ਅਬਿਨਾਸੀ ਨਾ ਕਦੇ ਮਰੈ ਨ ਜਾਇਆ॥ I have obtained my Husband Lord, the Akaal Moorat, the Undying Form. He is Imperishable; He shall never die, and He shall never ever leave. ਵੀਆਹੁ ਹੋਆ ਮੇਰੇ ਬਾਬੋਲਾ ਗੁਰਮੁਖੇ ਹਰਿ ਪਾਇਆ॥੨॥My marriage has been performed, O my father. As Gurmukh, I have found the Lord. (Ang 78)
ਪੂਰੀ ਆਸਾ ਜੀ ਮਨਸਾ ਮੇਰੇ ਰਾਮ॥ My hopes and desires have been fulfilled, O my Lord. ਮੋਹਿ ਨਿਰਗੁਣ ਜੀਉ ਸਭਿ ਗੁਣ ਤੇਰੇ ਰਾਮ॥ I am worthless, without virtue; all virtues are Yours, O Lord. ਸਭਿ ਗੁਣ ਤੇਰੇ ਠਾਕੁਰ ਮੇਰੇ ਕਿਤੁ ਮੁਖਿ ਤੁਧੁ ਸਾਲਾਹੀ॥ All virtues are Yours, O my Lord and Master; with what mouth should I praise You? ਗੁਣੁ ਅਵਗੁਣੁ ਮੇਰਾ ਕਿਛੁ ਨ ਬੀਚਾਰਿਆ ਬਖਸਿ ਲੀਆ ਖਿਨ ਮਾਹੀ॥ You did not consider my merits and demerits; you forgave me in an instant. ਨਉ ਨਿਧਿ ਪਾਈ ਵਜੀ ਵਾਧਾਈ ਵਾਜੇ ਅਨਹਦ ਤੂਰੇ॥ I have obtained the nine treasures, congratulations are pouring in, and the unstruck melody resounds. ਕਹੁ ਨਾਨਕ ਮੈ ਵਰੁ ਘਰਿ ਪਾਇਆ ਮੇਰੇ ਲਾਥੇ ਜੀ ਸਗਲ ਵਿਸੂਰੇ॥੪॥੧॥Says Nanak, I have found my Husband Lord within my own home, and all my anxiety is forgotten. (Ang 577)
Bhai Dya Singh Ji expands that this time after the laavan is highly important: “this is the most significant moment in the couple’s future lives. This is the moment when they are on a spiritual ‘high’; having just completed their ‘lavan’. This is the moment from which they draw their spiritual strength. In times of hardship or problems, the couple should be able to take themselves back to this moment in time, dwell on it and this spiritual point shall help them to calmly solve their problems and move on.”
Sagan
After the wedding, there is a long line of people who come to give money to the bride and groom as they sit before Guru Granth Sahib Ji. People take pictures and the bride and groom sit as people give them money for Congratulations. Bhai Manvir Singh Ji said we shouldn’t force the couple to eat Ladoos either as omens don’t affect those who keep God in mind:
ਸਗੁਨ ਅਪਸਗੁਨ ਤਿਸ ਕਉ ਲਗਹਿ ਜਿਸੁ ਚੀਤਿ ਨ ਆਵੈ॥
Good omens and bad omens affect those who do not keep the Lord in the mind (Ang 401)
Bhai Dya Singh Ji said it’s disrespectful for us to do sagans in front of Guru Ji and its best for the couple to get up after they get Degh and go down to the langar hall to meet people and get Congratulations.
Bride’s House
After the wedding, the bride and groom go to her house. The bride goes inside while the groom is blocked by a ribbon and sisters of the bride, which ask for money for the groom to go inside. Usually they also steal his shoes from the Gurdwra and ask for money to get them back. I was at a wedding where they put salt into the ladoos so be careful! After going inside and eating, the bride and groom sit with their guests, the brides parents give sagan, and women sing songs. The bride throws rice and leaves her home (Doli). Old fashioned doli was suspended on poles and carried by her male relatives. Today it’s a limo or other car that takes her to the groom’s house (69). When the bride is leaving, apparently the father of the groom throws coins as the couple leaves to wish them luck and to give away money to poor children (I’ve never seen that happen though; 69).
Throwing Rice
Bhai Manvir Singh Ji says this comes from Hindu tradition when the bride leaves her parent’s house and she throws rice over her head three times (or money) which manifests Goddess Lakhshmi, wishing her parents will stay prosperous (money) and healthy (rice) as well as repaying her parents for what they’ve given to her. I have also seen people set a rule that the rice cannot be cleaned by a broom otherwise its auspicious so they pick them up by hand (impractical and ritualistic). In Christianity he says it comes from Paganism- casting a spell for luck and blessing for fertility. Bhai Sahib writes “To wish someone well and give blessings in Sikhi is through reciting Gurbani and doing Simran.”
Groom’s House
Next the bride is welcomed to the groom’s house. The mother pours oil on the sides of the door, then drinks water from a steel jug as her son prevents her from doing it (71). This is called paani vaar and the purpose is to ward off evil eye (71). I remember reading the oil had old practical significance but obviously it doesn’t anymore. The bride sits amongst the female relatives and is given sagan by her new family (69).
Reception
Most of these activites are pretty much derived from western culture- cake cutting, first dance, slideshows, etc. except for Jago which is a Malwa tradition. It should be kept in mind that you just had your Anand Karaj and are walking a spiritual journey. Gurbani and the Rehat Maryada speaks out against serving alcohol. If there was one change I could wish upon people for their weddings it would be not to serve alcohol at the reception or the events prior to the wedding as Bhai Dya Singh Ji and Bhai Manvir Singh Ji remind us. It’s a big disservice to serve alcohol to people when you came to spread the message of God in the Anand Karaj.
NAMES OF RELATIVES (reference 72)
I think it’s helpful to remember what the names of all your new relatives will be in Punjabi.
“Husband: Karwala
Wife: Woti
Father’s Older Brother – Taya wife Tayee
Father’s Younger Brother – Chacha wife Chachi
Father’s Sister – Bhua- Husband Phufr
Mother’s Brother – Mama - wife Mami
Mother’s Sister – Masi - husband Masar
My Brother’s Wife – Bharjayee or Bhabi
My Brother’s Son – Bhateeja
My Brother’s Daughter – Bhateejee
My Sister’s Husband – Jeeeja
My Sister’s Son – Panewa or Bhanja
My Sister’s Daughter – Panewee
My Wife’s Brother – Sala (but you never say Salaji!)
My Wife’s Brother’s Wife – Salehar
My Wife’s Sister – Sali
My Wife’s Sister’s Husband – Sandhu
My Husband’s Sister – Nanaan
My Husband’s Sister’s Husband – Nanaan Waya
My Husband’s Older Brother – Jeth
My Husband’s Older Brother’s Wife – Jethani
My Husband’s Younger Brother – Dewar
My Husband’s Younger Brother’s Wife – Dewarani
My Son’s Son – Potra
My Son’s Daughter – Potri
My Daughter’s Son – Dotra
My Daughter’s Daughter – Dotri
My Son-in-Law – Jawai
Daughter-in-Law – Noo
My Father-in-Law – Sora
My Mother-in-Law – Sas”
I hope this document proved useful to you. If there are any errors, Bhul Chuk Maaf Karni. If you have other suggestions, feel free to reach out to us on our blog Prince George Sikh Youth Society (www.pgsikhyouth.blogspot.com). I’ll add and keep this updated as I come up with new versions.
By: Manpreet K. Sidhu
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