Intimate Partner
Violence (IPV, Domestic Violence) is a problem in all ethnic communities and is
not limited to the South Asian community (1). Intimate Partner Violence is “behaviour by an intimate partner or
ex-partner that causes physical, sexual or psychological harm, including
physical aggression, sexual coercion, psychological abuse and controlling
behaviours” (2). Sexual violence is
“any sexual act, attempt to obtain a sexual act, or other act direct against a
person’s sexuality using coercion, by any person regardless of their
relationship to the victim, in any setting” (2). Male privilege (discussed in
part 1 of this post http://pgsikhyouth.blogspot.ca/2016/08/male-privilege-in-punjabi-culture-part-1.html ) is one of the tactics used to control women in abusive relationships
(3). These topics affect the health and safety of our families. The effects of
intimate partner violence on South Asian women include increased risk for
suicide, depression, anxiety, sexual health concerns, PTSD, low self-esteem,
substance abuse, and physical health issues (1,4). Risk factors for both IPV
and sexual violence includes “attitudes that are accepting of violence and
gender inequality,” “beliefs in family honour and sexual purity”, and “ideologies
of male sexual entitlement” (5), so it is important to examine how our cultural
beliefs of sexuality are related to IPV. To provide a balanced approach I will
discuss men’s and women’s issues.
Female
Sexuality and Femininity
Femininity is described as “submissiveness,
inferiority, self-sacrifice, nurturing, good moral values, docile demeanor,
social dependency and chastity” in South Asian culture (6). The value system around female sexuality is based on the belief that
men own women and have a right to control their sexuality to maintain izzat
(see my post on izzat http://pgsikhyouth.blogspot.ca/2016/06/izzat-family-honour.html) (6). This control is
achieved through restrictions on her behaviour- where she goes, her clothing,
how late she goes out, who she talks to, the music she listens to, how she
dances, etc. A lot of these will be justified to women as being for her safety
(7), even though women are more likely to be raped in their own home by a man
they trust regardless of what they wear (8). Women pass on these belief systems
because if they can separate their situation from that of the victim, they can
create a false sense of safety. For example, asking a rape victim what they
were wearing is a way of telling themselves ‘I don’t wear those clothes
therefore I won’t be raped.’ This is used by defense in rape trials; Brene Brown
explains, “‘The defense
attorneys don’t want jurors to relate to the victim- what she looks like, her
age, her race, where she was when the assault happened, et cetera. Fearing the
jurors may relate to her, the defense attorneys attack her character so that no
one would want to relate to her… I’m sure that’s easy to do- I wouldn’t want to
relate to her, because that would mean it could happen to me too’” (9). These
patterns of thinking then justify the inequalities in the freedoms afforded to
males vs. females.
Women face conflicting
expectations around sexuality. We are expected to be asexual before marriage
(10), but western society expects us to be sexual enough to please our husbands
yet not too comfortable in our sexuality, which would be considered “slutty”
(11). Women’s reputations constantly able to be held against her
and will be ruined whether its consensual sex outside marriage, or rape (12). The expectation to be sexually naïve
when a woman is married actually “may make them more vulnerable in their
relationships, as sex often becomes a means through which men can appropriate
power” (12). A bride suddenly is expected to adjust to her own and her
husband’s sexuality overnight with no preparation, knowledge or experience (12). Abraham explains that women “anticipate
sex to at least fulfill some need for intimacy...If the wedding night becomes
sex without intimacy, many women … feel empty, lonely, and objectified. The
sexual act thus becomes one in which women are silenced, controlled and
subordinated” (6).
Male
Sexuality and Masculinity
The very concept of masculinity is considered to be the ability to be
able to have power in the relationship: “Masculinity in
mainstream South Asian cultures is defined to a large degree in terms of men’s
power, virility, and ability to control women’s morality and sexuality... South
Asian men are socialized to believe sexual virility is an indicator of
masculinity and that male sexual needs are natural. As access to women is
controlled through the larger culture of virginity and chastity… men’s sexual
knowledge prior to marriage may be drawn from pornography or limited sexual interaction
with women…” (6). Mens sexual needs are prioritized above
a woman's and they are expected to take control of sexual
interactions. One man talks about the messages he heard as a child: “The older people will say: ‘Oh if
you are getting married, you have to show your wife that you are her boss
right, on the first night. So you should be sexually very aggressive on that
day and she will be scared of you for all her life’”(1). As I
talked about in my last post, freedoms afforded to men often look very
different than for women, including the ability to have a pre-marital sexual
relationship without negative repercussions: “…men
initiate the sexual act, define its nature, and determine when it ends, whereas
women rarely have any say in the matter…in an abusive relationship, the baggage
of an overwhelming cultural prescription that allows men rights to premarital
sex and unquestioned gratification within marriage, but defines women’s
sexuality in terms of premarital sexual purity, renders the marital
relationship unequal” (6).
This definition of masculinity puts males under a great deal of stress
to financially support their female, ‘control’ their wife, keep the family
together, take care of his parents, and social pressure to start drinking to
deal with these issues (alcohol abuse sometimes co-occurs with IPV) (1). Men
who are abused by their female partners also face a lot of stigma (13). Men face
conflicting messages about their sexuality in western culture; a man is
expected to have sex with as many women as possible to be sexually experienced,
but if he is too interested or has sex with too many women, that’s not
acceptable either (14). For example, “a man who might be monogamous by nature
or might want greater levels of intimacy before sex is seen as a freak” and
“the man who has lots of sex partners is shown to have something wrong with
him, emotionally and needs a Good Woman to heal him and teach him the wonders
of monogamy” (14).
Normalizing
Violence
These values of male
and female sexuality lead to the belief that men have a right to force their
wife to have sex. I’m sure there are many South Asian women that don’t know
this is marital rape because they’ve been taught sex is their wifely duty,
women are “socialized to believe that they have fewer sexual rights than their husbands… for men,
the assumption is that male aggression is natural and a normal part of sexual
intercourse and sexual activity” (6). The expectations of sex are based on the
needs of men and women’s sexual needs are not a priority: “Traditionally
men are taught that sex is their masculine right as husbands and little
attention is given to socializing them to fulfill the sexual desires and needs
of their wives…men assume that it is their responsibility and marital right to
take control of sexual interaction and affirm their sexual prowess. This often
results in marital rape” (6). Marital rape is normalized because silence is
understood as shyness rather than lack of consent; Abraham writes
“Often rape occurs
on the first night, with the husband justifying the woman’s silence as
shyness. Given that women are supposed to be virgins when the marry, men
confuse or attribute a woman’s lack of sexual experience, her reluctance, or
her silence at his aggression with shyness on her part as a bride. The
assumption that nonparticipation culturally implies shyness in the case of the
woman and must be overcome by the husband is closely connected with cultural
notions of femininity, masculinity, and gender role expectations. Women often
keep silent from shock and dismay and because they have been socialized to
place their husband’s needs before their own” (6).The joint family system can be very beneficial in sharing the work-load and reducing stress for the couple (1). In the case of families where abuse is accepted, however, this creates isolation for the victim, and can create conflicts where the man is caught choosing sides between his wife and mother (1,16). The difference in these two situations is the belief systems held by the family (1).
Perpetrators are the regular guys we all know
Just as no woman wants
to be a victim, no man wants to be seen as an abuser. In fact, it’s easier for
all of us to believe that perpetrators are not the people we know or ourselves.
This quote is written by men who worked with men that batter women:
“When we first began working with
men who batter women, we kept waiting for the monster to come through the door.
Seven years later, we're still waiting. Most
of the men we've seen, whether self-referred or mandated by the courts or the
military, seem normal to most of the people who know them. They just happen to
be committing criminal offenses at home. FBI crime statistics tell us that
close to 40% of all men living intimately with women have battered their
partners during the course of the relationship. By ‘battering’ we mean the use
of and repeated threat of physical force to dominate and control a woman…
Seventy-five to ninety percent of rapes are committed by male acquaintances:
family members, co-workers, classmates, dates, boyfriends, husbands. Battering and rape aren’t, as many of us
would prefer it, being committed by pathological freaks. Women are most
often victimized by men they once trusted and loved…Men batter women because, in the short term, it works; i.e., the
violence temporarily stops a woman from doing what threatens or challenges our
authority. Men batter women because they can get away with it…And finally, men
have been socialized to believe we have the right and the privilege to dominate
and control women” (15).
As second-generation
men watch their parents model the husband-wife relationships, they pick up the
same values and beliefs (1). I believe many are unaware of their own abusive
behaviours because it has been normalized growing up and it gives them what
they want: “while these [second-generation] men are generally more open to
equality within a relationship, many get ‘stuck’ within their cultural male
privilege and may not be willing to lose those benefits” (1). Furthermore, it’s
not just men that are abusing their partners that benefit from IPV (15). These
men write: “our partners frequently make decisions based on how to avoid
subjecting themselves to male violence: decisions… influenced by whether or not
a man (spouse, lover, friend) is available to accompany a woman on that walk.
They have an unspoken agreement that she depends on a man to protect her from
being raped or threatened by violent men.
So men end up determining if women
get to go out and where they go. And
we don't mind having that control…This form of control never gets named. It’s
classic male privilege, in all its invisibility, with all its power” (15).
What Can We Do?
“Listening to women is hard for us. If we listen, we’ll hear things that
are hard to hear. Our lies, our injustices, our faults will be exposed…We’re
likely to feel confused and scared if we don’t emotionally withdraw, go numb or
get angry. Our confusion and fear can be palpable…When we allow ourselves
these feelings, the women and children in our lives may be able to feel a
commonality and closeness with us, rather than feeling driven by us” (15).
If you really care
about women, examine your behaviours and own up to the ones that have hurt
them, even if you had good intentions. Be
accountable, this means men “not only
accept responsibility for their actions and the impact of their actions upon
others, but also engage in actions in attempts to repair that harm…[this]
includes breaking behaviour and thinking based on power and control and
replacing them with new definitions of what masculinity entails” (1). This
is what we have been taught as Sikhs. I don’t believe that it has to take being
charged with a criminal offence, jail time or mandatory counselling for people
to change...maybe for some men it does but it shouldn't. I encourage women and men to examine your belief systems and change
the ones that are making relationships unequal power differentials.
Lastly, as a community
we need to stop being silent about IPV, sexual violence, and sex in general.
There’s an assumption we magically gain the skills to be able to talk about
safe sex, boundaries, and consent after marriage. Consent is beyond yes or no: a yes that was obtained
when coerced is not consent, and no can be communicated in various ways
including non-verbally (1). I saw a great article (written by a man) called "Saying Yes: Power and Permission" that explains why a woman saying "yes" is not the same as a man, and how men can create an environment where "yes" is meaningful (18). A relationship without good
communication between partners is ultimately going to be an unsafe one so it is our responsibility to develop those skills! Check
out this amazing video that uses tea as an analogy to understand consent: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oQbei5JGiT8
Be sure to check out part 3 of this post.
Be sure to check out part 3 of this post.
REFERENCES
1 Thandi, G. and
Lloyd, B. “’This is a man’s problem’: Strategies for working with South Asian
male perpetrators of intimate partner violence.” (2011). Justice Insititue of
British Columbia. http://www.jibc.ca/sites/default/files/research/pdf/This-is-a-man's-problem_REPORT.pdf
EXCELLENT ARTICLE, A MUST READ!
EXCELLENT ARTICLE, A MUST READ!
2
http://www.who.int/mediacentre/factsheets/fs239/en/
3
http://www.thehotline.org/2013/08/taking-a-spin-around-the-power-and-control-wheel/
4
http://news.ubc.ca/2009/03/05/archive-ubcreports-2009-09mar05-abuse/
5
http://www.who.int/violence_injury_prevention/violence/world_report/factsheets/fs_intimate.pdf
6 Abraham, M. (1999).
Sexual abuse in South Asian immigrant marriages. Violence against Women, 5,
591-618.
https://www.researchgate.net/publication/249675212_Sexual_Abuse_in_South_Asian_Immigrant_Marriages
7 http://www.ekh.lu.se/media/ekh/legs/forskning/mfs/9.pdf
8
http://www.consented.ca
9 Brown, Brené. I
Thought It Was Just Me: Women Reclaiming Power and Courage in a Culture of
Shame. New York: Gotham, 2007. Electronic.
10 Hunjan, Sandeep.,
"South Asian women in Canada: Experiences of intimate partner
violence." (2003). Electronic Theses and Dissertations. Paper 3543.
http://scholar.uwindsor.ca/etd/3543
11
http://www.scarleteen.com/the_sex_goddess_blues_overcoming_sexual_shame
12 Dasgupta, Shamita
Das. Body Evidence: Intimate Violence Against South Asian Women in America. New
Brunswick, N.J: Rutgers University Press, 2007. Electronic.
https://books.google.ca/books?id=zdccoJmk9tgC&printsec=frontcover&dq=south+asian+body+evidence&hl=en&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwirw9LUhcLOAhVE4GMKHQ97B3gQ6AEIHTAA#v=onepage&q=south%20asian%20body%20evidence&f=false
13
http://www.mysahana.org/2011/06/south-asian-men-can-be-victims-of-abuse/
14
http://www.doctornerdlove.com/2012/07/its-ok-to-want-sex/all/1/
15 Bathrick, D. and
Kaufman, G. “Male Violence and Male Privilege.” (2001). Men Stopping Violence,
Inc.
http://www.cpt.org/files/US%20-%20Male%20Privilege%20&%20Violence.pdf READ THIS IS IF YOU HAVE TIME!
updated link (old link down) http://menstoppingviolence.org/cms/docs/MaleViolenceAndMalePrivilege.pdf
updated link (old link down) http://menstoppingviolence.org/cms/docs/MaleViolenceAndMalePrivilege.pdf
16 Bandan, P. “The
obstacles South Asian victims of spousal violence endure in Vancouver, Canada:
culture vs. the extended family vs. the law.” (2009). Criminology- Theses,
Dissertations and other Required Graduate Degree Essays.
http://summit.sfu.ca/item/9596
17
http://rebeccacohenart.tumblr.com
18 Hahn, R. “Saying
Yes: Power and Permission.” Men Stopping Violence, Inc.
http://www.cpt.org/files/US%20-%20Male%20Privilege%20&%20Violence.pdf
