Video on Recognizing the Religious Hypocrite

I wanted to share this great video from mysimran.info on recognizing the "religious hypocrite." I think it is especially important during these times, as there are many people setting themselves up as knowledgeable who are causing others to actually stray from their path. Giani Sant Singh Ji Maskeen wrote about how putting a hurdle in someone’s path of religion is to murder their internal life. We do not want to miss out on the great sources of wisdom that we DO have to help guide us on our path. Thinking about this also helps us think about sangat- spending time with people who inspire us, who build our sense of belonging, love and spiritual connection. Gurbani directly describes the signs of a Gurmukh- who is Sant? Who is Brahm Gyani? These are described in Sukhmani Sahib. Until that knowledge is built, here is a video that describes a few things to be aware of:

What is Love?

“Love is such an eye with which the depth of everything, every person, and the Creator can be seen.” Giani Sant Singh Ji Maskeen

Love is universally something we all need and experience in life. Since Sikhism emphasizes living a family life, I think it is important to understand both the spiritual and worldly (physical/mental) aspects of love, just like we understood the Anand Karaj. To understand the gift of union, we must first understand the gift and necessity of solitude and separation. Maskeen Ji explains in his book “Guru Chintan” (Guru’s Meditation) that when we are alone, we find out who we are. The chance to explore the inner self can only occur in solitude. In my personal experience, I have found a huge depth of growth that I never thought was possible in both separation and solitude. As hard as it was, it was also a huge gift because I never would have looked as deeply inside myself and challenged myself to grow. Maskeen Ji elaborates that it is during these times that we see the 5 lurking within us: “Indeed, the real picture of the person comes before him in loneliness and the real figure is full of worry, pain, anger, greed and fear…. Whenever one is alone, then passion (lust), anger, desire and attachment etc. become visible…With whom we have got very deep relation and fondness, he comes to mind again and again. Mendicants consider solitude as the touchstone of love, because with whom we have love, he comes to mind in solitude repeatedly.” In this solitude, we are also reminded of the virtues of others, and it allows us to experience the ultimate joy of connection.

When we look at it from the perspective of separation from God, it is a great gift to actually realize this separation, because it is from there that we grow a longing for union. Maskeen Ji writes, “The tear which comes out due to separation from God, is priceless because God himself is priceless. Often love-sick people let such pure tears come out of their eyes. Dirt of many births is washed away with these tears. Not only momentary suppressed anger but the whole dirt of mental impressions is washed away.” Many shabads talk about this longing for God, and that is why you will see many people crying when they do simran or listen to shabads. These are very special tears. Gurbani says, “I cannot survive without seeing my Beloved. My eyes are welling up with tears” (Ang 94). Maskeen Ji explains that these tears are like the water that allows a garden to grow: “The love of God also requires the water (tears) of the eyes. The fruit of union only then appears if the sapling of love is irrigated with tears…Love-sickness gets converted into continuous remembrance (simran) of God, then remembrance gets upgraded into ‘love.’ On manifestation of love, God, the owner of the world, takes us into His fold” and that is when we merge.

Now that we have explored the process of separation to union with God, let us explore this process in our other relationships. Just like our mind has to match the views of Guru, for simran to be done with affection, it is also necessary for us to have similar thinking to unite a relationship. Similar to my recent posts about vulnerability and expressing emotion, Maskeen Ji writes about how many people feel like strangers in their own homes because they don’t express their feelings, “The present day man does not open his heart before anybody,” and this results in distancing of relationships. Similarity of views is a far away goal if there is simply no honest heartfelt communication! Conflict (kalesh) ultimately comes from our thoughts being different because of the 5 dhoots/thieves and not being able to put those aside. Maskeen Ji gives the examples of how Harnakash tried to kill his son Prehlad and Aurangzeb killed his father and brothers due to dissimilarity of views. He explains that in a marriage, “If one sees god in her husband and the other sees his wife as goddesss, then the home will become the temple of God… Wife should take care of the brain of the husband that he may not start thinking wrongly by any wrong dealing of mine and husband should be careful that wife’s emotions are not hurt. Man generally becomes angry if his emotions get hurt and woman starts weeping if her emotions get hurt…The relationship of wife and husband is the union of emotion and thoughts. And the palace of life can be built only on the foundation of this union.” Because maya is our thoughts, Guru Ji’s guidance is key to that successful union between partners in marriage.   

Maskeen Ji writes that the mind has knowledge of three tastes: “Taste of passion (sex), taste of love, and taste of worship (bhagati). When a body meets another body, the taste formed due to this meeting is called sex. The meeting of two minds gives the taste of love. The union of soul with God produces bliss of devotion.” I think these points are very important to explore in the topic of love versus lust. Maskeen Ji uses the analogy of a sitar (musical instrument) to describe that just like we tune the strings on the sitar, we need to tune the 5 thieves (including lust) within us, rather than removing them. A lot of people try to talk about getting rid of and removing these parts of ourselves when they are normal. He writes, “It is to be remembered that wire is not to be taken out of sitar, but only is to be attuned. Lust, anger, greed, attachment and pride are not to be taken out of this body, these are brought within limits. We can not throw these out, even if we want. When lust (passion) is attuned, then it puts on the garb of modesty and decency and remains within limits. Anger gets converted into bravery. Attachment becomes love and greed changes into contentment. Pride takes the shape of self-respect.” 

Now let us explore the concepts of love and lust. In love there is a necessity for minds to meet in addition to the body. He writes, “Body attracts another body, this attraction is due to which one body remains in search of another body…if the bodies meet, but there is no partnership in views when minds meet, the ecstasy is not there. Those persons are praise worthy who have got bliss in their lives. On forming partnership of minds, one can get sweetness of love, which is superior to sex-love.” In addition to minds meeting, to have love there needs to be devotion and letting go of ego. He explains, “There is pride in sex[ual] enjoyment. The fulfillment of passion is for the fulfillment of pride. There is ‘I’ present but not ‘You’. In love there is a relationship between ‘I’ and ‘You’. Not only ‘I’ but ‘You’ also exists. Such a conception gives birth to love. Where ‘I’ ceases to exist, only ‘You’ remains, there the flavor of devotion springs up.” One of my favorite lines of Gurbani is, “When the difference between myself and others is removed, then wherever I look, I see only You" (Ang 1375). 

When we are at the level of devotion, we see the Creator in His creation when we look at the beauty of another because we love the Creator not just the creation. In the Sri Guru Granth Sahib Ji it says, “Chacha (letter in the alphabet) He painted the great picture of the world. Forget this picture, and remember the painter. This wondrous painting is now the problem. Forget this picture and focus your consciousness on the painter” (Ang 340). Maskeen JI writes, “Love, when remains within the four walls of the house, is called affection. To a person, engrossed in affection, only his religion and family looks nice. To others he looks askance. But when love transgresses the house and encircles the whole world within it, then such a love is called God. As the sunlight is not separate from the Sun, so love is the manifest form of the creator.”

It is fascinating to see the parallels between spiritual life and physical life and how they intertwine. I can understand now where a lot of conflicts arise in relationships, old or new. We can use the Guru as our guide to match the views of our partner. We've all experienced love but I think it is very interesting to get to see the layering of relationships based on the union of body, mind, then devotion/removal of ego, and seeing the Creator in the creation. In a recent katha I remember Simer Singh (mysimran.info) talked about how if your love is different for different people (brother, mother, friend), then it isn't true love. That true love comes from the final step of seeing the Creator in the creation. Sewa Singh Ji Tarmala also wrote about how true love manifests when we meet each other in Sunn (the home of the mind). I think a lot of people don’t get married knowing the depth of love that is possible because we don’t talk a lot about the depth of spiritual love which is necessary for that to happen. So let's live in a way to build that level of love in all relationships in our life, and let's spread the message. 

“Out of the gifts bestowed by Creator, love is supreme gift. One comes to know on observing that love is present in the whole existence and by and by it appears in every living being.” Giani Sant Singh Ji Maskeen

References

Guru Chintan by Sant Singh Ji Maskeen available at Sikhbookclub online: http://sikhbookclub.com/Book/Guru-Chintan4

Mysimran.info katha: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4k10_5qvruU 

What is Friendship?

Gurbani tells us a lot about friendship. We must ask ourselves who is a friend? Giani Sant Singh Ji Maskeen writes in his English-translated book Guru Chintan (Guru’s Meditation), “A stranger is like a puff of wind for us, came and gone. We remember either a friend or foe…The great men of our country has told us many criteria of friendship, who is helpful in difficulty, with whom secrets can be shared, with whom partnership of views can be established, who should be tearful on seeing our tears, who would join us in our laugh. He is [a] friend, who is helpful at the time of physical, mental and spiritual adversity.” Many of us have used these features throughout our life to find our friends, the sangat that we spend time with.

Beyond that, it is important to check out whether our friendship is based on maya (something that makes us forget God). Bhai Sukha Singh Ji described in his katha that when our relationship is based on maya, that is friendship with a manmukh (someone who uses their own mind instead of following Guru Ji). Gurbani says, “Friendship with the self-willed manmukhs is an alliance with Maya. As we watch, they run away; they never stand firm. As long as they get food and clothing, they stick around. But on that day when they receive nothing, then they start to curse. The self-willed manmukhs are ignorant and blind; they do not know the secrets of the soul. The false bond does not last; it is like stones joined with mud” (Ang 959 Sri Guru Granth Sahib Ji). This leads us to understand the downfall of such friendships that are based on give and take. Maskeen Ji writes, “Worldly friendship has its limit. On reaching that limit, friendship takes a turn. Therefore it is seen that every friendship takes the shape of enmity in due course. As much as the height, from which a person falls, so much will be the hurt he gets. As much deep will be the friendship, it is seen, so much deep will become the enmity.” This enmity in turn is poisonous.

Rather than enmity, Maskeen Ji gives us the advice of Sufi Saint Hafiz, “You should grow the plant of reconciliation for your peace of mind and uproot the plant of enmity.” How do we plant the reconciliation? Giani Guljar Singh was giving a katha on TV about the 40 Mukhte yesterday and he said that they remind us that it is possible to restore what was once broken and repair relationships. Gurbani says that God is, “The Restorer of what was taken away, the Liberator from captivity, the Formless Lord, the Destroyer of Pain” (Ang 625). The way to prevent enmity is to place our faith and friendship in God: “If the One Lord is my Friend, then all are my friends. If the One Lord is my enemy, then all fight with me” (Ang 957) and “Whoever tells me stories of my Beloved Lord is my Sibling of Destiny, and my friend” (Ang 862).

We are not disappointed when we put our faith in Waheguru. It is our friendship with God that allows us to see people’s virtues and prevents enmity in our minds. It allows us to recognize that the sangat that we spend time with should be those that are inspired to learn and grow on this path, and to spread the love of God rather than love for maya. 

References:

Guru Chintan by Sant Singh Ji Maskeen available at Sikhbookclub online: http://sikhbookclub.com/Book/Guru-Chintan4

Giani Guljar Singh Ji’s website: http://sikhiwayoflife.ca/about-me.html

Bhai Sukha Singh Ji’s katha https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EWTZsMek_Go

Harmandir Sahib Documentary

I saw this really neat documentary of Harmandir Sahib with my family. There is an English and Punjabi version showing unique footage. I watched the Punjabi version which is a bit longer so I'm not sure if it's exactly the same.

Punjabi version:


English version:

Do Sikhs Celebrate Lohri?

I just wanted to write a short post about Lohri. Lohri is celebrated the night before Maghi (the beginning of the month of Magh). It not a Sikh festival, rather it is a Punjabi festival and therefore cultural. I think this is important to recognize because it helps us distinguish and understand that people of many religions celebrate Lohri, and not all Sikhs celebrate it.

Lohri celebrates the ending of cold winter months in India and the beginning of longer days. It is celebrated by dancing, singing, and sweets. Children do something similar to trick or treating, going from house to house and are given sweets and money. Over time Lohri became about celebrating the birth of a boy (or marriage of a couple). It has now been recognized that this is unequal and unfair to female children. Basics-of-Sikhi discussed this and made a great point that if we choose to celebrate Lohri, as Sikhs, we need to remember equality and it should be celebrated for both boys and girls. I saw an article stating that Lohri  is being celebrated for girls everywhere from Brampton to Malwa. Furthermore in India they are using this chance to talk about female equality like female feticide and dowry. Sukhbir Kaur Mahal, (a principal) states, “We need to change the mindset and girls are scaling newer heights, even doing better than boys in many respects. The gradual change is for the good, but a better tomorrow for girls needs extensive awareness. A newborn girl child equally deserves Lohri celebrations, a trend confined earlier to the newborn boys alone.”

In summary, Lohri is a cultural, not religious festival that some Sikhs celebrate. As Sikhs we should recognize that a key principle of our religion is gender equality and therefore if it is celebrated, it should be done for children of all genders. 

References:

http://www.sikhiwiki.org/index.php/Lohri

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FwqruAuAHEI

http://indianexpress.com/article/cities/ludhiana/malwa-body-to-celebrate-lohri-with-a-message-to-respect-girl-child/

https://www.bramptonguardian.com/community-story/5253629-lohri-for-her-starts-a-trend-with-its-message-of-empowerment/

http://www.tribuneindia.com/news/amritsar/lohri-celebrations-dedicated-to-the-girl-child-this-year/29856.html

Maghi

According to Sikhnet’s calendar, this Sunday will be Jor-Mela Mukhtsar (also known as Maghi). Maghi is at the beginning of the month Magh, and is the commemoration of the Chali Mukhte (40 martyrs).  I wrote about the Chali Mukhte a while ago when I wrote an article on Mai Bhago. Let's review briefly.

During the 8 months that the Mughals laid siege on Anandpur Sahib, the Sikhs were dying due to lack of supplies. The Mughals said they would spare anyone who declared they were not a Sikh and thus 40 Sikhs, led by Mahan Singh, signed a document, telling Guru Gobind Singh Ji that they were not Sikhs anymore, and fled to their villages. Subsequently, the Sikhs left Anandpur Sahib on the false promise that the Mughals would leave them in peace, and the Sahibzaade were martyred. Guru Ji travelled in the jungles and set up camp near Khidrana, chased by a Mughal army of 16, 000. The Mughals headed there for water, not knowing the lake was dry.

Guru Gobind Singh Ji ripping up the document the Singhs had
signed, indicating they were now liberated. 

Meanwhile, as the 40 men returned to their homes, brave warrior Mai Bhago rallied their wives. They refused to talk to their husbands and kicked them out of their houses, disappointed in how they had deserted Guru Ji. Mai Bhago said that the women would go into battle if the men did not. They prepared their gear to fight against injustice. Finally the 40 men, including Mai Bhago’s own husband, were able to see their mistake and headed to Khidrana to apologize.

Upon arrival, they spread out shirts onto the bushes in order to look as if they had a larger group of Sikh forces, camping in tents. This is now the site of Gurwara Tambu Sahib. On December 29, 1705 a battle ensued. Guru Ji supported the fight from an area above. All 40 Sikhs were martyred and the Mughals retreated, assuming that Guru Ji had died in battle. Mai Bhago and Guru Ji were the only survivors. Mahan Singh lay critically wounded. Guru Ji took care of Mai Bhago, who was also wounded, and Mahan Singh. He asked Mahan Singh his last wish. Mahan Singh asked that the 40 be forgiven, and thus they are remembered as the 40 Mukhte (liberated ones) in the Ardas daily. They were cremated on the first day of Magh. 

The town of Mukhtsar (“pool of salvation”) was built in this location. Thus the 40 redeemed themselves by fighting to protect Guru Ji and we commemorate this sacrifice in a mela (festival) held at Mukhtsar every year. I think one of the things we can learn from the 40 Mukhte, that when we make mistakes, if we recognize it, we can redeem ourselves and be forgiven by Guru Ji. 

In the Baran Mah prayers we read at the beginning of each month, it says this in the Sri Guru Granth Sahib Ji, “In the month of Maagh, let your cleansing bath be the dust of the Saadh Sangat, the Company of the Holy. Meditate and listen to the Name of the Lord, and give it to everyone. In this way, the filth of lifetimes of karma shall be removed, and egotistical pride shall vanish from your mind. Sexual desire and anger shall not seduce you, and the dog of greed shall depart. Those who walk on the Path of Truth shall be praised throughout the world. Be kind to all beings-this is more meritorious than bathing at the sixty-eight sacred shrines of pilgrimage and the giving of charity. That person, upon whom the Lord bestows His Mercy, is a wise person. Nanak is a sacrifice to those who have merged with God. In Maagh, they alone are known as true, unto whom the Perfect Guru is Merciful.”

So may we take the advice of Guru Ji and use this (upcoming) month to surround ourselves with Saadh Sangat, to do simran and spread that gift to others, and to walk the Path of Truth! 

Sources:

http://www.sikhiwiki.org/index.php/Mai_Bhago

http://kaur.sikhnet.com/who-was-mai-bhago/

http://www.sikh-history.com/sikhhist/warriors/bhago.html 

http://www.sikhiwiki.org/index.php/Magh

https://www.allaboutsikhs.com/great-sikh-women/mai-bhago

https://sikhunity.files.wordpress.com/2014/01/249128_10200157311515394_1295594208_n.png?w=1200

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maghi

New Year's Experience

On New Year's, the Gurdwara Sahib was packed this year, so much so that there wasn't even enough room in the main hall! I was really blessed to have spent 6 hours with my family singing kirtan at the Gurdwara, and to get to sing shabads on the stage. We all came home and agreed it was the best New Year's eve we had ever spent, because the entire sangat did simran and Anand Sahib together. 

I had a friend recently who said that New Years is just another day. I get the point that they were trying to make. I understand that if you want to reflect and make changes in your life, you don’t need a New Year, you can do it anytime. It’s nice to have realistic expectations and you shouldn’t put too much pressure on yourself. Yet EACH day is an opportunity for growth and change. At the same time, even if it is another day, that doesn’t take away from the fact that it was an extraordinary experience sitting in sangat that day. It is a very special experience when we come together to remember God, on whatever day or occasion. That is time that you spent towards the purpose of your life, away from maya. 

I think that we also should be coming together in that same way for events like this weekend’s celebration of the Prakash Divas of Guru Gobind Singh Ji! The more people that come, the more joyous it is. We are truly blessed when we come together to sit in sangat. 

Happy Prakash Divas of Guru Gobind Singh Ji!

This weekend we will celebrate the anniversary of Guru Gobind Singh Ji’s Birth. 

Our 10^th Guru, Guru Gobind Singh Ji was the son of Guru Tegh Bahadur Ji and Mata Gurjri Ji. He was born December 22, 1666 at Patna Sahib. His early education in Punjabi, Braj, Sanskrit and Persian was in Anandpur Sahib. Guru Tegh Bahadur’s Shaheedi occurred when Gobind Rai was only 9 years old. He had not hesitated in telling his father to make this important sacrifice-“None could be worthier than you, father to make a supreme sacrifice.” Guru Ji went on to write great works such as Jaap Sahib and Chaupai Sahib which we read in our daily prayers. Guru Ji was married to Mata Jito (also known as Sundari) and Mata Sahib Devan (the mother of Khalsa). (The marriage to Mata Sahib Devan was a spiritual but not physical marriage. From my research, Mata Sahib Kaur's family had proposed and in those times, a refused proposal meant that you would never be married. So the Guru Ji agreed to a spiritual, not physical marriage). 

It is Guru Gobind Singh Ji who created the Khalsa in 1699, and this is celebrated on Vaisakhi every year. Thus came the image of the Sikh you see today, with the 5 symbols of faith (Kesh, Kangha, Kara, Kirpan, Kacchera) and ready to give their life to defend the innocent at any time. Guru Ji writes in the Zafarnama “When all other means have failed, it is but lawful to take to the sword.” The Rajput chiefs of Silvalik hills were disturbed by the formation of the Khalsa as the Sikhs did not believe in their system of discrimination based on caste. They felt threatened and tried to force Guru Ji out of Anandpur Sahib, but were unsuccessful for five years. They got help from Emperor Aurangzeb and in 1705, he promised the Sikhs a safe exit if they left Anandpur Sahib. As discussed in previous posts about the history of the Chaar Sahibzaade, the Mughals did not fulfill their promise. Many Sikhs, including Guru Ji’s four sons, Ajit Singh Ji, Jujhar Singh Ji, Zorawar Singh Ji and Fateh Singh Ji were martyred. Many manuscripts were lost while trying to cross the Sarsa river. 

Guru Ji spent time in Dina where he received a letter from Aurangzeb asking him to come to Deccan to meet him, however Guru Ji rejected his offer and wrote him the Zafarnama in response, delivered to Auranzeb by Daya Singh and Dharam Singh. In the battle of Muktsar on December 29, 1705, Guru Ji, Mai Bhago, and 40 Sikhs who had previously deserted the Guru Ji, faced the Mughal army led by Wazir Khan. These 40 became known as the 40 Mukhte (saved ones). 

Guru Ji spent 9 months at Damdama Sahibn (Talvandi Sabo) finishing the Sri Guru Sahib Ji. It is said that the Zafarnama touched Aurangzeb and he invited Guru Ji for a meeting, however Guru Ji had already left for the south. Guru Ji helped Bahadur Shah gain the throne after the death of Aurangzeb. Nawab Wazir Khan ordered the murder of the Guru Ji to be carried out by Jamshed Kahn and Wasil Beg. One of them stabbed Guru Ji, however Guru Ji killed the attacker. With the help of the Emperor’s surgeon, he was on the path to recovery. Several days later the wound burst open and started bleeding, but was again treated. Knowing that these were his last days, Guru Ji declared the Guru Granth Sahib Ji as his successor. 

 

Guru Ji showed us what it means to overcome all odds and fight against injustice. Despite the martyrdom of his parents and children, and many other Sikhs, all of which he considered his family, he stayed committed to his purpose in life. He served as a brave and courageous warrior as well as a saint. May we remember Guru Ji’s contributions to our history as we celebrate the Prakash Divas of Guru Gobind Singh Ji! 

References

http://sikhism.about.com/od/gurugobindsing1/tp/When-Is-Guru-Gobind-Singhs-Birthday.htm

http://www.sikh-history.com/sikhhist/gurus/nanak10.html
Gurbaani wallpaper facebook page 

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Guru_Gobind_Singh

https://www.sikhiwiki.org/index.php/Guru_Gobind_Singh

http://www.sikh-history.com/sikhhist/gurus/nanak10.html

http://www.theworldofgurunanak.com/guru-gobind-singh-ji.html

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year everyone! In this coming year, may we all get closer to meeting God. May Waheguru bless us with Naam and Satsangat. May we do simran and put Guru Ji first. May we recognize God in all of the creation and each individual, and express gratitude for the thousands of gifts we receive daily. May we live with compassion, love, forgiveness and empathy, and learn to own and tell our stories. May we face every new challenge with courage. I pray that 2018 will be a year of peace, fulfillment, and growth.

I really liked mysimran.info's facebook post this morning: "This year lets make a commitment to Waheguru. The key to commitment is staying on the Path, it does not mean you have to transform into perfection this year. Let's just make this year better than last year!"

I am deeply appreciative for all of our readers. Bole So Nihal, Sat Sri Akal!


Watch live New Year's Celebration from the UK Gurdwara on Sikh Channel via facebook: 

Foreboding Joy

When we experience a big disappointment or loss in life, something we were really excited about, sometimes we become afraid to be excited again. I experienced this recently, but it was so subtle it was hard for me to recognize. I merely realized I was mentally “preparing myself” and holding my breath in moments of joy, in case they didn’t work out or something went wrong. Yet the preparations don't really help. When something does go wrong, it still hurts. In Braving the Wilderness, Dr. Brené Brown writes, “Joy is probably the most vulnerable emotion we experience. We’re afraid that if we allow ourselves to feel it, we’ll get blindsided by disaster or disappointment… We try to beat vulnerability to the punch by imagining the worst or by feeling nothing in hopes that the other shoe won’t drop. I call it foreboding joy.”  

I didn’t realize that I was foreboding joy at first, but the day that winter holidays started, I noticed that I was scared to be excited about anything. I was scared to make plans, or to be happy about the time off. I thought about all the horrible things that had happened last December including (but not limited to) being very ill on antibiotics, having multiple family members hospitalized, losses, and a huge set of exams to study for. It was one of the worst months of my whole life. Combine this with the fact that back in September I had been really excited for my plans for the winter holidays, but since life circumstances changed, my plans changed. The end result was that day that the holidays started this year, I was holding my breath scared to feel joy, because I didn’t want to feel the pain of suddenly having it all taken away.

Dr. Brown writes in Daring Greatly about how foreboding joy comes from a culture of scarcity.  Brown writes, “Scarcity is the ‘never enough’ problem… Scarcity thrives in a culture where everyone is hyperaware of lack. Everything from safety and love to money and resources feels restricted or lacking. We spend inordinate amounts of time calculating how much we have, want, and don’t have, and how much everyone else has, needs, and wants.” She quotes Lynne Twist’s book The Soul of Money, “For me, and for many of us, our first waking thought of the day is ‘I didn’t get enough sleep.’ The next one is ‘I don’t have enough time.’ Whether true or not, that thought of not enough occurs to us automatically before we even think to question or examine it… before we even sit up in bed, before our feet touch the floor, we’re already inadequate, already behind, already losing, already lacking something. And by the time we got to bed at night, our minds are racing with a litany of what we didn’t get, or didn’t get done, that day… this internal condition of scarcity, this mind-set of scarcity, lives at the very heart of our jealousies, our greed, our prejudice, and our arguments with life.”

Lately Punjabi media has tried to highlight this issue of comparison fueling greed and jealousy. We often think about the comparison being physical objects, but it’s more than that. Someone came up to us once and told us how much their parents were comparing them to us, and how devastating it was to live under the pressure of not being good enough. I had no idea. From then on, the more I paid attention, the more I noticed that when someone did well in the Punjabi community, it broke friendships, it led to jealousy instead of happiness, and it led to resentment. I didn’t grow up like that, because my parents often talked about how everyone’s kids in the Punjabi community are like their own because we are all part of the same community. I think the reason people act that way is because of the feeling of scarcity. Especially since we are a minority community, maybe people feel like someone else’s success is at their expense; that there isn’t enough for everyone and if someone else makes it, they won’t. People doubt their own ability to be able to do it. I think it’s important to recognize because if we want to overcome it as a cultural community, then we need to know where it comes from and recognize that there IS enough. That there is enough joy in the world, enough success, enough love for all of us. It’s the doubt of maya in our minds, with the fuel from the fire of media selling us that we are “not enough” that makes it that much worse.

Getting back to my story, when I recognized it as foreboding joy, I started to use gratitude.  Brown writes, “There is one guarantee: if we’re not practicing gratitude and allowing ourselves to know joy, we are missing out on the two things that will actually sustain us during the inevitable hard times.” I didn’t use the kind of gratitude where you write in a journal each day about what you are grateful for, because that always had ended up with me writing the same things over and over without thinking. I already practiced gratitude in my Ardas. This time, I needed to add something. I practiced the kind of gratitude where, every time I felt vulnerable and I felt like I was holding back my excitement, I said a mental note of appreciation. Often I would say a prayer, Thank you Waheguru for this moment with my family, etc. Brené talks about having appreciation for the small, ordinary moments, and she gives the example: “A man in his early sixties told me, ‘I used to think the best way to go through life was to expect the worst. That way, if it happened, you were prepared, and if it didn’t happen, you were pleasantly surprised. Then, I was in a car accident and my wife was killed. Needless to say, expecting the worst didn’t prepare me at all. And worse, I still grieve those wonderful moments we shared and that I didn’t fully enjoy.” I started to really focus on moments like driving to the Gurdwara, watching a movie with my family, and eating dinner together. The other shoe never dropped. I got to actually enjoy my holidays and experience the joy of being with my family without that extra anxiety. One of the biggest moments of appreciation was recognizing that this year has given me a younger brother. Even though we aren’t related by blood, he’s just as protective and has taught me a lot. I was only able to appreciate and recognize the joyful connection, and trust deeper because I wasn’t holding my breath, worried about losing everything and everyone.

I encourage you to think about what kind of messages you tell yourself and society tells you about being enough. I shared my story so it could get you thinking about how foreboding joy can be subtle, and it’s important to recognize the feeling, then to express appreciation for the gift in the moment that we have. Really it seems like a small thing but it makes a big difference. Not only do we live more fulfilled lives, we have more resilience to deal with the losses, disappointments, and tragedies.

References

Brown, B. (2016). Daring Greatly: How the Courage to be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead. London: Penguin Books Ltd.
Brown, B. (2017). Braving the wilderness: the quest for true belonging and the courage to stand alone. Random House.