Raising Children

I have spent the last couple of weeks working with families and learning how family interactions influence children. I learned about the development of the mind from the time that babies are in their mom’s uterus to adulthood and the various ways the interactions between parents and children can be disrupted either from the parent side, the child side, environmental factors, or all of the above.

Sometimes we can be unaware of the diversity of experiences in parenting. For example, the birth may have been complicated, or the mother may develop post-partum depression. It’s important for us to recognize as a friend or family member to be sensitive to different experiences so people are not further isolated. I even realized that society portrays a lot about motherhood (sometimes inaccurately) but virtually nothing about the stress on new fathers. For example, many fathers worry about being a good enough dad, about balancing shift work or irregular hours with an increased financial responsibility, and grief over losing the old life they had as a couple (1). Also, unlike previous generations, there is an increased expectation for dads to be more involved yet they may have no role models (1). Often times in immigrant families dads have not had as much time to spend with their children because of the work demands, so in the second generation it can be hard to know what to do. Having this awareness can help us have more empathy and understanding. 

I learned a lot about the development of children’s emotions through the limbic system in the brain (2). When we lack understanding about the development of emotions, we can start to see children as fussy and annoying when they throw tantrums. Sometimes parents can react angrily to their children, even when they don't mean to. When we realize that this is how children are learning to develop emotional regulation, we can support them by being a role model, help them name and acknowledge their feelings and teach them how to express them (3). Supporting them through this period actually helps them develop an ability to self-soothe and self-comort later in life (3). Of course in order to role model it’s important for us to continue to work on our emotional management too! Many of us as adults struggle with being able to calm down our emotions enough to communicate our thoughts, so it is important that we work on that too. It’s sometimes not a skill that was taught to us effectively when we were young.    

Some of the videos I saw wanted parents to think about how parenting roles have changed, and where they get ideas about parenting (2). This really probed me to reflect on parenting in South Asian culture, in the Sikh religion, how I feel about roles of each parent, how to discipline, etc. For example, I realized that I learned a lot about parenting when my little sister was born because of our age difference. In one of the videos they were talking about different cultural expectations around praising children, or involving other caregivers such as grandparents in the therapy sessions (4). We can pass on the teachings that work well from generation to generation. For example, in the Sikh religion, we have many great traditions such as storytelling to connect children to their roots and inspire them through our history, sharing family time praying together, and naming a child using the first letter from the Hukamnama (5). Waheguru.net writes, “Every time a Sikh name is recited by another person, it reaffirms that spiritual, soul identity within the person and thus becomes a natural mantra which constantly connects a Sikh to their true purpose and destiny in life” (5). I remember a few months ago when I was in Toronto a taxi driver asked me my name. After I replied, even though he wasn’t Sikh he said “that means heart-felt love, right?” I was surprised and smiled, “yes!” In every way, my name represents who I have grown to be- with heartfelt love for God I will do my sewa in this life. Gurbani also teaches us an extensive amount about development of a child in the mother’s womb, such how the mind of the child is connected to Waheguru during that time: “Chanting the Name of the Lord, Har, Har, and meditating on it within the fire of the womb, your life is sustained by dwelling on the Naam.” (Ang 76). We can use this extensive knowledge to understand more about the mind and about the relationship between parents and children. 

The process of looking inside oneself is explained in Gurbani to focus on awakening one’s mind. Dr. Dan Siegel similarly talks about how focusing attention on the mind will rewire the brain and improve all of our relationships (including with your partner, children, etc.) because one will be able to see the mind behind other people (6). For example, if we reflect on past experiences and process them, we can prevent ourselves from inadvertently doing harm to others from that pain (6). This reminded me strongly of my post about “seeing the five (kaam, krodh, lob, moh, hankaar)” in other people, since this concept is the same as explained by Gurbani. 

It is important in all of our relationships, especially between parent and child, that we reflect and understand how our thinking relates to our behaviour. When we learn to connect feelings with thoughts and behaviours, we learn how to change the mind to connect better with our loved ones. Gurbani gives us the tools to be able to work on the mind in ways that are just now being able to be understood by science.

References

1 http://kidcarecanada.org/video-section/dr-carolyn-steinberg

2 http://www.childhood.org.au/for-professionals/bring-up-great-kids-programs/online-video-resources 

3 http://www.imhpromotion.ca/Resources/SimpleGiftVideoSeries.aspx

4 https://pcit.extensiononline.ucdavis.edu/login/index.php

5 http://www.wahegurunet.com/raising-children 

6 https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL4B5035ECF8A14AB3