Connecting in Times of Fear

These are times of fear. We are afraid to show our true selves and to stand up for what we believe in because we fear criticism, rejection, hatred, and violence. Guruka Singh writes on Sikhnet “These are extremely dark and turbulent times. All over the world people are experiencing confusion, fear, and doubt” (1). That doubt and fear create a wall that separate us from Waheguru. Brené Brown talks about how the traumas that we collectively face such as terrorist attacks and mass shootings, have caused the ripples of isolation and disconnection from fear (2). She describes this as a spiritual crisis, and I couldn’t have put it any better. In Braving the Wilderness, she writes

“When I look through the two-hundred-thousand-plus pieces of data my team and I have collected over the past fifteen years, I can only conclude our world is in a collective spiritual crisis. This is especially true if you think about the core definition of ‘spirituality’ from the Gifts of Imperfection: Spirituality is recognizing and celebrating that we are all inextricably connected to each other by a power greater than all of us, and that connection our connection to that power and to one another is grounded in love and compassion. Right now we are neither recognizing nor celebrating our inextricable connection. We are divided from others in almost every area of our lives. We’re not showing up with one another in a way that acknowledges our connection” (2).

Similarly, Simer Singh did a katha in which he talks about how the fear and hatred has created times of intolerance. He also described how this intolerance comes from our disconnection from seeing God in one another- from not having Naam (3). He states, “When we are taught to fear something in the world, automatically we are taught to hate it. We hate because when we’re taught to fear something, our automatic instinct is to feel safe, so by eradicating what we fear we think we will be happy. This is the slippery slope to violence and war” and “[u]ltimately the mind wants to feel safe, that’s why it’s trying to eliminate things so that it can go head and try to prop up its ego” (3,4,5).

This constant threat to the mind of not feeling safe has a large toll. Our brains are wired to go into fight, flight, or freeze mode in the face of danger. Chronically this can cause us harm and have a heavy toll on our health and daily function. Brené writes about how the brain’s self-preservation mode can cause it to create stories about what’s happening to exaggerate our fears, prevents connection and leads to loneliness (2). She argues that as a social species, connection is just as important to us as food and water because it is key to our survival (2). In terms of our response to that threat to survival, she writes, “[W]hen we are in pain and fear, anger and hate are our go-to emotions. Almost everyone I’ve interviewed or known will tell you that it’s easier to be pissed off than it is to be hurt and scared” (2). Rather than connecting with each other and overcoming that fear and pain, we are disconnecting and allowing it to build hatred between us. Simer Singh talks about how one of the root causes of hatred is the fear of our own insecurities and intimate details being exposed when we trust someone: “We start to hate because we fear that our imperfections will be exposed.” Ultimately this fear prevents us from actually trusting and showing up in the relationship, so he says “people get divorced from friendships, sangat, from important relationships all because of their own insecurities” (3,4,5). When we own our faults and start to work on them, then we no longer become afraid of being exposed (3,4). This process happens through letting go of ego in our spiritual practice of simran. In this next section we will talk a little bit more about the process of moving from fear and it’s consequences, into love and connection.  

John O’Donohue was quoted in Brene’s book and writes, “This is not about forging a relationship with a distant God but about the realization that we are already within God” (2). The solution to our spiritual crisis can only be spirituality. To overcome fear, intolerance, hatred, and loneliness, we need connection to Naam. Guruka Singh writes “It is a time to go deeper within ourselves. It is time for meditation, self-discipline, prayer, deep cleansing, self-identity and self-control. It is a time to connect with others of like mind and heart. It is time to serve the world in any way we can. Together we are powerful. To go deeper and stay in touch with truth and love, we can: Have a daily spiritual practice, Don’t give in to fear, despair or anger, and reach out when it becomes overwhelming... and most importantly: Be a source of light.” (1). He gives us some very practical ways in which we can cultivate our connection. Simer Singh also gave a very important piece of advice that rather than focusing on the negative qualities of other people, we should be looking within our own minds at removing our bad thoughts (rajogun and tamogun thoughts) (3,4,5). When we work together to meditate and learn in sangat, we find ourselves (3,4). There is visible proof of this when we meet Gurmukhs who are spiritually connected. I recently got a chance to sit down and hear the stories of a couple of Gurmukhs at the Gurdwara. The heartache, violence, and devastation shocked me, and yet they did not live in fear. Their faces showed the glow of chardi kala, and I would have guessed of the hardships in their stories if I hadn’t had the opportunity to listen. These were real-life examples of individuals who had realized that God is within each person and served with love each day of their life. They overcame the darkness and fear of Kalyug to serve as a light.

Let’s look at some more examples of overcoming fear. In her book, Brené uses the example of Antoine Leiris, whose wife was killed during a mass shooting during a terrorist attack in Paris in 2015 (2). He wrote a letter to the attackers in which he says, “Friday night you stole the life of an exceptional being, the love of my life, the mother of my son, but you will not have my hatred…You have it coming, but if I respond to hatred by anger that would be giving in, to the same ignorance that made you what you are. You want I’m afraid, that I should look at my fellow citizens with a look of suspicion, that I sacrifice my freedom for security. Lost. Same player still playing” (6). I was so moved by his words “but you will not have my hatred”, I shared this letter with my dad. He commented on how it reminded him of Guru Gobind Singh Ji’s Zafarnama, the letter to Aurangzeb. Coincidentally, Simer Singh also mentions this in his katha. He talks about how Guru Ji first mentions Aurangzeb’s virtues and then asks him why he did what he did (3,4). Guru Ji doesn’t blame a large group of people (in fact the Sri Guru Granth Sahib is written by people of all castes and Hindu and Muslim religions as well), or spread hatred for Aurangzeb, because we are taught in the mool mantar that God is Nirbhau and Nirvar- without fear, without enmity/hate. Once we are jeevan mukht and reach our purpose we also carry those virtues.

Ultimately, it is our connection to God in formless form and in each other, which will help heal our fear. Brené writes, “We’re in a spiritual crisis, and the key to building a true belonging practice is maintaining our belief in inextricable human connection. That connection- the spirit that flows between us and every other human in the world- is not something that can be broken; however, our belief in the connection is constantly tested and repeatedly severed. When our belief that there’s something greater than us, something rooted in love and compassion, breaks, we are more likely to retreat to our bunkers, to hate from afar…It’s counterintuitive, but our belief in extricable human connection is one of our most renewable sources of courage” (2). Of course there are times we all “retreat to our bunkers” after our trust is broken and we are hurt. When you show up and say “this is who I am and this is my story,” you risk being hurt. You have that knot in your stomach about being seen and acknowledged, or ignored and rejected. Yet I’d much rather risk the pain of people coming and going, in order to experience the full joy of connection. I’d rather live knowing I had the courage to express what was in my heart than never have tried. The power of connection was solidified for me this Sunday. The Dhadhi Jatha was going to leave so we invited them over to our house to say goodbye. Before they left, they said that they were thankful for the love they got from our family and wanted to do Ardas for us as their gift to us. As we stood in our living room, the Jatha and my family, all of us were teary-eyed. It was a rare and generous gift that I’ll never forget. I’ll never forget the power of that prayer and of connection to each other and to Waheguru. So let us do what Guruka Singh said, and reach out, pray, and meditate with each other in these times of Kalyug. 

“O Nanak, the spiritually wise one has conquered all others.

Through the Name, his affairs are brought to perfection; whatever happens is by His Will.

Under Guru's Instruction, his mind is held steady; no one can make him waver.

The Lord makes His devotee His own, and his affairs are adjusted.” (Ang 548 SGG Ji)

References

1 Singh, G. (2017). Read the 2017 SikhNet Annual Report. [online] 2017 SikhNet Annual Report. Available at: http://report.sikhnet.com [Accessed 5 Dec. 2017].

2 Brown, Brené. Braving the wilderness: the quest for true belonging and the courage to stand alone. Random House, 2017.

3 Singh, S. (2017). Tolerance in times of intolerance. [online] YouTube. Available at: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AJZE-ZG-vy8&t=1419s [Accessed 5 Dec. 2017].

4 Singh, S. (2017). Why do we hate? Tolerance in Times of Intolerance Part 2 (Punjabi Removed). [online] YouTube. Available at: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z-b1RLz5ll8 [Accessed 5 Dec. 2017].

5 Singh, S. (2017). Love and Peace | Surrey Arts Centre. [online] YouTube. Available at: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OJxImzmnLCc&t=6s [Accessed 5 Dec. 2017].

6 Storypick. (2017). "You Will Not Have My Hatred." A Paris Man Writes A Letter To ISIS About His Wife's Death. [online] Available at: http://www.storypick.com/antoine-leiris-paris-attacks/ [Accessed 5 Dec. 2017].