Prince George Sikh Youth: Dealing with Death: Part 1

Death and grieving are topics that we generally avoid talking about. I have been slowly working on this post for the last two months in between work. Having been faced directly with death after death, I have started to reflect and explore more around these topics. I don’t think I ever developed a framework to deal with death due to my limited spiritual knowledge in the past, so my goal for this post was to understand death and grieving from a Sikhi perspective.

Inevitably we will all deal with death and will need to comfort those around us who are dealing with it. Satpal VeerJi from ‘Nanak Naam’ did an impactful episode on the Sikh Channel about grief (link in references below). He explained that our expectations shape our grieving process because in one version we say, “they lived a long life,” in another we say “it wasn’t their time.” When we say someone died too soon, he explains that we are saying that we were not prepared for their death. Because western culture trains us to avoid the topic of death, teaches us that death is sad, and that death comes with old age, so we have conditioned ourselves to think these things as normal. On the other hand, Gurbani shows us on a daily basis how to mentally prepare for our own death and the death of others by normalizing the topic of death into our daily thinking, then by teaching us how to accept God’s will. Thus, we directly challenge the western culture that avoids the topic of death by facing it head on each day in our 5 Banis. In fact, Kirtan Sohila, which is read at death, is also read by us each night in preparation. It is our resistance to Hukam (God’s will), and our thinking that things shouldn’t have happened as they did that propagates both grief and suffering. He explained that while psychology nowadays teaches the stages of grief as denial, anger, bargaining, depression and then acceptance, Guru Ji teaches us to accept first. He says when we say time is a healer, we are actually saying acceptance is the healer because over time we develop acceptance of what happened. Bhagat Kabeer Ji further elaborates the acceptance of death: “That death which terrifies the entire world- the nature of that death has been revealed to me, through the Word of the Guru's Shabad. Now, how shall I die? My mind has already accepted death. Those who do not know the Lord, die over and over again, and then depart. Pause. Everyone says, ‘I will die, I will die.’ But he alone becomes immortal, who dies with intuitive understanding. Says Kabeer, my mind is filled with bliss; My doubts have been eliminated, and I am in ecstasy” (Ang 327). Thus, preparing ourselves by reading and understanding Gurbani is a healthier way of dealing with death than avoidance and pretending that it won’t happen, but having to deal with it when it inevitably does. Acceptance of Hukam means to accept that the age of the body is not what determines when someone dies, but rather the soul’s journey, and how many breaths they were given in this life.

Sikhi teaches us that death of the body is merely the merging of the 5 elements of the body back into the 5 elements. The soul continues its journey by either merging back into God or if our accounts are not paid, we continue the cycle of reincarnation. The merging of the elements is described here: “The Wind Merges into the Wind. The light blends into the light. The Dust becomes one with the dust. What support is there for the one who is lamenting? Who has died? O, who has died? O God-realized beings, meet together and consider this. What a wondrous thing has happened! Mortal beings are bound by the bonds of doubt and attachment. When life becomes a dream, the blind man babbles and grieves in vain. Nothing comes, and nothing goes; this play is all set in motion by the Lord, the Sovereign King. I shall not die; I shall live forever and ever. I have become immortal; I am eternal and imperishable” (Ang 885). Guru Ji explains that the body was merely the vessel by which the journey is travelled, and the soul lives on: “The soul does not die, and it cannot be killed; God creates and watches over all. Through the Word of the Shabad, His Will is manifest” (Ang 1026) and “The one who is pervading everywhere does not die. Says Nanak, the Guru has revealed God to me, and now I see that there is no such thing as birth or death” (Ang 152). In Kirtan Sohila, it is explained that the day of death is actually a joyous day as it is the wedding of the soul to God: “The day of my wedding is pre-ordained. Come, gather together and pour the oil over the threshold.My friends, give me your blessings, that I may merge with my Lord and Master. Unto each and every home, into each and every heart, this summons is sent out; the call comes each and every day.Remember in meditation the One who summons us; O Nanak, that day is drawing near!” (Ang 12). Thus, death can be the joyous day that ends the separation from God, when one has spent the effort to travel that journey to being Jeevan mukht during this lifetime.

The topic of death also brings up the topic of suffering and depression, both of which are addressed by Gurbani. Sometimes people enter into depression when faced with the death of a loved one. An article called “Does the Guru Granth Sahib Describe Depression” as well as “Sikhism, Spirituality and Psychiatry” both describe the concept of suffering. In Sikhi, “dukh” encompasses physical, emotional, spiritual, and mental suffering and thus includes the concept of depression. Well before modern times, it was recognized by Guru Ji that suffering happens even when there is no physical cause like poverty or disease, because the mind is separated from God. Thus, even kings have suffering, and there was no stigmatizing concept that just because someone “has it all” they cannot be depressed or suffering. Also interestingly, the Guru Granth Sahib Ji described symptoms of depression as we define them in medicine today (low mood, loss of interest in usual activity, sleep and appetite disturbance etc). The articles explain that the manmukh is predisposed to depression because they are lost in maya having been separated from God, while the Gurmukh has Naam and lives in a state of Chardi Kala by accepting God’s Will. Guru Ji is described as a “therapist in the life of the dukhi, showing him the way to moksha or relieving him of dukh.” It is Guru Ji who can help us through this depression by helping us become Gurmukh, and thus Gurbani helps us deal with the topics of depression and suffering.

Although I have experienced death, I have actually never been to a Sikh funeral so I did some reading. The funeral is called Antim Sanskar (final ceremony). Sikh Sewak (Chaplaincy) describes “In Sikhism a funeral ceremony is called ‘Antam Sanskaar,’ or celebration of the completion of life. Rather than lamenting the passing of an individual, Sikhism teaches resignation to the will of the creator, emphasizing that death is a natural process, and an opportunity for reunion of the soul withits maker.” At the Antim Sanskar, Kirtan Sohila is read, Ardas is performed, the body is cremated, and the ashes are immersed in a body of water. Then a paath is held, and the Antim Ardas is performed at the bhog. My parents told me traditionally there used to be a 10 day paath (reading of the entire Guru Granth Sahib Ji), however sometimes if it was an elder it would be a 2 day Akhand Paath and ladoos would be handed out to celebrate the joy that someone had made it to old age. The purpose of this paath was described well by Bhai Jasbir Singh on the Harpreet Show- it is not for the person who has died, but for giving the family solace and understanding. The family themselves should try their best to do the paath themselves so it can be a process of healing, even if it takes a year for them to finish, but if they can’t do it themselves they can sit and understand. I think perhaps we have turned the paath into a ritual these days, but actually it is an important transformative process to heal grief. Similarly, some people ritualistically hold paaths in the memory of their dead relatives every year and make donations, etc. This reminds me of the Sakhi of the Hindus offering water to the sun to reach their ancestors, and Guru Nanak Dev Ji explaining how this is not possible! It does not make sense as the paath that is even held at the death itself is not for the person who died, so why would we hold one each year “for” them. We are judged based on our own actions during this life. Gurbani teaches us to focus on the present instead of what happens after death, because our real heaven can be achieved in this life as Sach Khand exists here, when our minds are awakened through sangat, simran, and the praises of God, while “hell” also exists here as people live in fear, anxiety, and misery. These concepts are quite different than other religions.

The Punjabi tradition of avsos involves going to that family’s house to give them condolences so they are not alone in their time of grief. In one of the videos I saw, a Gyani Ji said sometimes we make it worse by reinforcing ideas like “they died too soon” rather than supporting the family by encouraging them to connect to God, do Naam Simran, find meaning in Gurbani, and accept God’s will. We should be mindful of this. The Bani Ramkali Sadh (call of death) is read at the funeral for consolation. It was written by Sunder Das, grandson of Guru Amar Das Ji, when it was time for Guru Ji to leave their body and merge with God (link to full Bani is below and starts on Ang 923). This Bani talks about the Guru Ji accepting God’s will that it was his time to merge with God. Guru Ji tells his family that they should not get caught up in rituals or crying, but rather sing the praises of God because the time of everyone is limited: “Finally, the True Guru said, ‘When I am gone, sing Kirtan in Praise of the Lord, in Nirvaanaa.” Thus, death should fuel us towards our purpose in life, and when we go to someone’s house for avsos we should also remind them of this Bani and to go to Guru Ji for finding peace in their journey.

I have realized that perhaps growing up in western culture has swayed my mind to thinking that the topic of death should be avoided, leaving me unprepared and subconsciously afraid of losing people around me. This is why the concept of death is important for us to discuss and think about in our homes. When we understand the soul journey, it gives us a greater understanding of our purpose and acceptance of God’s will at the time of the death of this body. The daily preparation of death through paath was a new concept for me but made me realize how much stronger it makes us. When we think about the stories that Mata Gujri Ji told the Sahibzaade to keep them strong, they were stories of martyrdom. Maybe we should be telling similar stories to our own children to make them strong, and teach that death can be a celebration when the soul merges back to God and completes its journey. Stay tuned for the second part of this post where I will explore topics more specifically related to how we face death as Sikh healthcare professionals and first responders.

“Like droplets of water in an ocean wave and the ripples of a stream, I am immersed in the divine. Meeting with the supreme soul, my soul shall become unbiased and pure like air. Why should I come into the world again? Coming and going is ordained by divine decree; accordingly I am merged with the divine. When the issue of five elements perishes my wanderings cease. Forsaking various philosophies I see all impartially by meditating on the Name only. Whatever I’m attached to and become involved with influences the deeds I do. When the revered Lord is merciful then I merge with the Guru’s word. While yet living die, and in dying to this life be born anew, never to be born again. Says Kabir, whoever is absorbed in meditation of the name remains lovingly affixed in the Absolute Lord” (Ang 1103).

References:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nQuVPes46jA** SIKH Channel Nanak Naam Interview (recommended)

http://www.srigranth.org/servlet/gurbani.gurbani?Action=Page&g=1&h=1&r=1&t=1&p=0&k=0&Param=923 Ramkali Sadh Ang 923

Turning to Waheguru Religious and Cultural Coping Mechanisms of Bereaved Sikhs

Ahluwalia, M and Mohabir, R OMEGA Journal of Death and Dying 2017

https://manpreet159.wordpress.com/sikhism/kirtan-sohila-english-translation/

https://simranjsingh.wordpress.com/2015/04/18/sikh-ways-of-grieving/

https://www.allaboutsikhs.com/sikh-ceremonies/funeral-ceremonies-antam-sanskar

http://www.sikhiwiki.org/index.php/Antam_Sanskar

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pnJ7VH1_o5I How do we deal with Death?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v_U7StxjZZ8 Healing Grief Sikhnet

http://www.sikhanswers.com/worship-ceremonies-institutions/death-ceremony-among-the-sikhs/