Facing the Past

One of the really impactful scenes from the movie Lion King is when the monkey Rafiki pulls a hair off of Simba’s head and Simba says “Oww! Geez, what was that for?” Rafiki replies “It doesn’t matter! It’s in the past!” Simba says “Yeah, but it still hurts” to which Rafiki replies, “Ah yes, the past can hurt. But the way I see it, you can either run from it, or… learn from it.” I used to have a picture of this quote as part of a poster on my wall.   

There are going to be many layers of lessons in this post, intertwining things that we have already talked about into new learnings. The past is an interesting concept. It not only shapes our present lives, but also pops up in unexpected ways if we don’t choose to address it. Rafiki tells Simba to learn from it so that he stops running. I have found that dealing with the past is sometimes not as easy as you thought. You might think it’s done, and then it comes back again and adds another layer of understanding. Sometimes we voluntarily can choose to revisit it to add to our layers of understanding. The last few years I had looked back at my childhood, my parent’s lives and how they influenced mine, and the generations of Sikhs before us, and how they influenced our lives today. This understanding of history influences our understanding of the present and is a very helpful perspective. The past has deep importance, as we all know to prevent history from repeating itself, we have to learn from it and change.

We can also voluntarily choose to revisit the past to add to healing from our connection with others, and to make amends. We never know how many breaths we have in life, instead of waiting to make amends later it is always best to address it now and make peace with it while you can. Each conversation should be treated as a potential last. The last few months I chose to do some revisiting for this purpose. I’ve found the difficult part is navigating that the past version of myself, the decisions I made, and the reasons I made them are really not able to be understood by the present self. The logic that made sense to me at the time doesn’t anymore and I cannot justify it. In the past, I did what I knew how to do with the skills and maturity I had at the time, and that’s not where I am now. There was a process of having to forgive yourself for not knowing and making mistakes at the time that you wouldn’t make now. There is a level of also understanding that the other individual is the same- they also reacted based on what they knew how to do at the time and trying not to hold that against them at all. That is the point of the past- to learn, grow, and to become better people from it. To become more loving, compassionate, empathetic, and open. I think that in revisiting the past to heal a connection with others, there’s also an element of understanding that we cannot change what happened. We can reflect deeply, apologize, change ourselves, and do better, but that’s all we can do. That is in fact, the best we can do- to change ourselves from it. It is not helpful to carry guilt and shame for our mistakes our whole lives, and Guru Ji reminds us again and again “Immense pain, murders and sins numerous, poverty and misery since birth, troubles and disputes of major girth. Nanak, all that is destroyed by Divine Name Contemplation, and burns like a pile of wood by fire’s action.” This is part of an acceptance of Hukam (reality), that what happened, happened and we cannot alter it. It was written the way it was written. As we talked about before from the Nanak Naam videos, God does to God because there is only one being, You do to You. There aren’t two beings forgiving each other, because there is only One being. Our interpretation of pain is based on the fact that we take it all personally. We involve our own egos. I do this all the time. It wasn’t about me, it simply is reality. One of the biggest questions for me this week was how to move forward into a future that looks vastly different than what I had planned. It is a matter of realizing I did all I could, I put in every effort, and it is what it is. You realize what Hukam is when you put your whole heart, spirit, and life into something and still it doesn’t happen. As Bhai Satpal Singh reminds us, Hukam is reality, not fantasy. 

The biggest lesson for me over the last few days was that once you learn from the past, it is valid to let it go.Take everything good, all the lessons learned, all the love, and leave the rest behind. It reminds me of that quote “Never be a prisoner of your past. It was just a lesson, not a life sentence.” How does the past become a life sentence? I think the first way is that if it is ignored and not dealt with. This is necessary. It will most definitely come back over and over until we make peace with it. It will invade into our thoughts, emotions, and dreams. The second way the past becomes a life sentence is if we carry our past as our definition. (One of my friends actually taught me this... These are the types of conversations that I think are important to have in our free time with our sangat. We can only really learn if we invest in conversations beyond the superficial and learn from each other!)

This is a very important concept, to carry the past as our definition. It is like carrying a heavy bundle on our backs for life that just builds over time. The bundle is about all the things that happened to us in our lives, all the interactions and stories. In this way the past becomes an attachment, and it holds us tightly. When this happens, we hinder our spiritual progress because God can only be reached in the present moment. Don’t get me wrong, the stories are useful. We can use our challenges and difficulties to explain how we have found our way to Sikhi, to explain where we are in our spiritual progress, to inspire others, and to explain how the challenges have shaped the mind in the most beautiful ways. I have done this frequently, because I think through the most difficult times, I have found purpose and a path. I find similar stories of others very inspiring, and it can be used to propel our journey forwards. At the same time, we cannot let the past define us. We cannot get absorbed into defining “me” and “my story.” The story is then simply a burden to carry day by day, instead of an inspiration. It adds to the ego. It adds to the reasons why “I” and “you” are different instead of One. This goes back to the bricks analogy from the Nanak Naam videos we discussed. We are building a wall of things that define “me”, my challenges, my life story, and it keeps being another reason that separates us from the Oneness of the universe. Gurbani tells us that our relationships don’t define us, this body doesn’t, and therefore this story doesn’t either. None of these things go with us after we die and are not permanent. It is actually freeing to remind ourselves that our path can be walked regardless of the story behind us, we are free to achieve our life purpose at any time. It is maya that wants us to stay entangled into “my story” because then we are stuck in the past and things that we think define us and we cannot let go of the temporary things in life to achieve the permanent realization of Truth. We cannot make that realization if we are totally grounded into the definitions of ourselves as part of this life and its stories. This is why Gurbani talks about not being “touched by pain or pleasure.” Only when one can see beyond this life’s relationships (ex. Guru Gobind Singh Ji asked his father to go be martyred and sacrifice his life to save the Hindus), this body (ex. Guru Arjan Dev Ji’s shaheedi), and this life’s stories (ex. Bibi Shamsher Kaur who was kidnapped and fought as a warrior), are we able to then move to a state of being where we are in an awareness of God. This is why we shouldn’t judge ourselves or other people for their stories either. They are part of transforming our mind’s journey but don’t need to define us.  

I hope this reflection about the past teaches you something new. It has certainly lifted a weight off of me and I am now understanding things in a new light, and more comfortable sitting in the present and letting go of what I don’t need to hold onto anymore. Through this there is ever greater love for Sikhi. 

References 

https://simplyloveyourself.wordpress.com/2012/03/15/the-lion-king-it-doesnt-matter-its-in-the-past/

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nWiaLugOROU

P.S. I have a lot more time than I expected lately so I'm hoping to post more youtube videos soon. 

The Driver

I waited a long time to post this, to keep it anonymous. The story was so impactful to those around me, that I felt it needed to be shared. It speaks to the depths of which Waheguru acts; the intricacies of every interaction. We meet people we are meant to meet, at the exact moments, and there is something so perfectly coordinated about it. 

I was out of town. It was a beautiful day and I wanted to go to the Gurdwara, which was an extremely long way from my hotel. I sat there on the bed debating whether to take multiple buses, the train, or a taxi. I had this singular thought that today someone really needs this money, so I decided to take a taxi. As soon as I got into the car, he told me “It is a rare person who thinks of another as you have.” I was shocked right-away as I hadn’t said anything to him yet and somehow, he had read my mind as this being the reason I took a taxi instead of a train. He went on to explain that the money spent on a trip like today, isn’t about this life, but about the spiritual life. He said he wasn’t sure if I believed in that, because he thought about 1:1000 people perhaps understood that singular statement and even believed in a spiritual life. 

He was an older Muslim man. He asked me about Sikhi, commenting about the love between Hazrat (Sian) Mian Mir and Guru Nanak Dev Ji. I was happy to explain the tenets of Sikhi, and we shared and learned about each other’s religions. It was great learning for both of us and lasted for a great deal of time. He spoke of the pains of a community so deeply affected post 9/11. Already up until then it had been an enlightening trip. Towards the end of the trip he asked me what I do. I said I was a doctor. He asked a request of me, he said to try to help those who are poor. He said in the Canadian system he understands perhaps we don’t really work for “free”, but to give then those earnings to those in poverty. I said of course. I didn’t think twice of his request, this is what I have set out to do with my life, serve the underserved. We regularly pool our money as a family for specific projects for impoverished families like medications, education, helping young women get married, etc. I didn’t think too deeply of what he said in the moment. 

As the drive was over, we pulled over. As the taxi stopped, he fell into the most painful sobs that broke my heart. He explained that his father had died when he was just a child as they were living in poverty and could not afford his treatment. Oh, how he remembered his father! I cried with him. We were no longer Sikh or Muslim. The tears rolled for the stories untold like his. He told me he had waited for so long to tell this to someone, but he told me because I was a doctor and I could do something for those families. He asked me to make a promise, and on the day of death that he would remember me and make sure I followed through on my promise. He would challenge me then if I did not. I promise, I promise, I promise. 

A Moment to Meditate

“You are the Light of all, the Life of the World; You imbue each and every heart with Your Love” Ang 1313

The world is a difficult place right now and we are living under extraordinary circumstances. If there’s one thing I have learned in the last five years, God has given each of us a path. There is a beautiful shabad: “Fareed, the path is muddy and the house of my Beloved is so far away. If I go out, my blanket will get soaked, but if I remain at home, then my heart will be broken.” We each make this choice on whether to take that chance and start walking. We have the opportunity for real fulfillment, or we have the opportunity to be heartbroken and stuck in the cycle of reincarnation. I am realizing that it is ever important to keep walking no matter what, and this means to not give up on one’s faith. 

If there is anything we learn from grief, loss, and death, it is that breaths are precious. I have a friend that promised me that she would live to see my wedding. I don’t know if it was her that broke her promise, or it was me that broke mine, because her time is coming within days. As heartbreaking as it is, we do not get to decide what time is written for us to go. We can learn to live with whatever we have fully. We all have to leave, but the ease with which we leave depends on whether we feel we didn’t do enough and had unfinished business. The sadness comes for those who never realized how to fully live and finally find out when the time has come. We get to choose to make use of our life for the purpose we came here for. Guru Ji tells us “by His training, I find strength with each and every breath, now that I am trained and tamed, I meditate on the Naam, the Name of the Lord.” Maintaining our faith, passion for Sikhi, our peace within during this time of worldwide anxiety, fear, and panic is ever so important. We have to remember how long and hard this journey has been to get here, to get this chance. To get every single breath that we have, we saved over lifetimes “For countless lifetimes, I have been separated from my Beloved…” Our life purpose must be first and foremost. What is it? “Vibrating and mediating continuously on the Lord and Master, the inner knower, the searcher of hearts, one’s life becomes totally fruitful. Those who sing and mediate continually on the Lord of the Universe- their coming into the world is blessed and approved.” The Guru Jis prepared us for the age of Kaljug. We must use all the skills we have now to overcome everything holding us back from our path. 

There are people all over the world in prayer. This is a special opportunity for us to take this moment and turn it into one of spiritual connection, to look inside and to immerse ourselves in Naam. If you don’t know how, get some direction from sangat. Watch some videos on simran, take a Hukamnama, start reading Gurbani and finding answers for yourself. There is so much treasure left to be discovered, are we really going to give up our chance in order to live a superficial life just going and coming from work, and living in our families? Imagine the richness of the life the Guru Jis lived, and those in their circles of sangat. The things that are written about in Sakhis. To transcend this humanly experience, one has to dig deeper into Gurbani and turn to God for answers. I would rather try in each moment and each day of my life, toward my purpose, and knowing that I died trying, than to not have tried. 

We cannot even fathom the depth of the creation, Gurbani tells us this.  The paralysis of doing nothing, and being lost in simple mind tricks and pleasures, is minimizing everything that God has given us and created. This paralysis of not stepping forward comes from the repetitive episodes of shock from the events of life, that breaks us from our path, or it comes from complete absorption into maya and its temporary joys. I have had friends who say that repetitive stress has caused them to lose all faith, and I have had others that say that the same events have driven them closer to faith and they will never let it go. We can travel with others for a distance, but ultimately it is us who must be motivated to try to travel, to make an effort. In our search for our life sangat, we are searching for others who wish to also travel, to help each other along. From the incrementally small amount that I have stepped outside my door onto this path (and I have a very long way to go), I can say that the pleasure and the depth of love and joy created out of faith in Waheguru, is worth the effort and choice over and over, to keep faith and not let it break. After all, this is our purpose.  

270 Days of Yoga

I started doing yoga last year and continued on with it every day. I attended a yoga camp back in 2009, but since that I had only tried it a few times here and there, nothing consistent. I never thought it was something for me. It seemed to be either too hard, or too slow. I had never found exactly the right pace and level. 

There are many different styles and ways of doing yoga and you have to find the one that resonates with you. It teaches us breathing, but also builds core strength, endurance, balance, and flexibility. It is actually very relaxing at the end of a long day to reconnect to one’s body and actually feel your aching back release, and take a few deep breaths from the belly. As someone who is generally hyperflexible, I have needed to build some strength around my ligaments that easily are sprained, and it has been very nice to learn how to build that through yoga. This body is our vessel to be able to get through this life and we do have a duty to keep it healthy. We also need to keep the mind healthy by teaching it ways of relaxation. I think yoga offers us both of these gifts. There is also something to being able to release the different energies that we have and express ourselves. 

I have to say that I have no real idea about the links of yoga to Sikhi, or whether there is a connection. I do think it can give us a spiritual experience if we seek it. It is not simply just exercises and physical movements, but about a deeper connection to the breath. We know that the breath is vitally important to our understanding of life. So I encourage you to try out different types of yoga. There are tons of great videos even on youtube, as we are currently socially distanced and isolated. I found "Yoga with Adriene" to be an especially helpful channel. 

Time Doesn't Heal

This is an excellent katha by Giani Sant Singh Ji Maskeen about dukh/pain/suffering. He uses Gurbani to explain that your thoughts count- seeing the good qualities in others. He talks about the stage of yearning that comes, the tears that come in the longing for God are the most beautiful tears that wash away the pains of lifetimes. 

We have a saying that time heals. Time doesn't heal in itself, we have to make progress towards healing. The healing doesn't come from simply just sitting by and letting the hours pass. It is an effort of finding compassion, empathy, and God. Maskeen Ji explains that God is the only one that is capable of absorbing dukh. Maskeen Ji explains that a single human alone cannot reach God, we need the help of the saints, avtars, and Gurus. It needs support. I am hungry for this sangat, it feels like so few people even talk about about God anymore. 

He says we are afar from ourselves, we dont even know what is within. We find out when we hold the gutka and realize the negative thoughts inside. We are finally getting closer to ourselves then. We aren't as close to ourselves as we are to our husband/wife. We know all their qualities but not ourselves. Kabir says "I am worst of all, everyone else is good. Whoever understands this is a friend of mine." He explains the translation is not that Kabir is the worst. Those who are far from oneself, are far from God as well. On the outside everyone is all holy, but those who are close to themselves, and dig deep will see their own faults over many lifetimes. Those who are not close will see the bad qualities in others. When we start to repeat the name of God we realize the fault is in ourselves that we cannot see God, our eyes are closed to the sunshine. Maskeen Ji answered a question that I did not understand until today. This is part of the journey, a necessary part where many people break off. 90% of the people turn back here and cannot do this. Saram Khand is about hard work. When repeating God's name and see our faults, we are getting closer on our journey. When we are seeing only our good qualities, we are not getting closer. When we see our weaknesses, then we work on it and shape it. Seeing our faults, we shape ourselves even more. Guru Ji says "The intuitive consciousness, intellect and understanding of the mind are shaped there. The consciousness of the spiritual warriors, and the Siddhas, the beings of spiritual perfection are shaped there." We find the truth here. The thoughts will slowly break off here. He reminds us, the society looks at what you did and you face judgement there, but God looks at what you thought. 

We must be the 10% who are brave to step forward and explore our faults. We must be the 10% who use them to shape our consciousness and move forward on the path to God. 

A New Book

Life seems to be throwing everything at me, the grief of a dying friend, pandemic, health, logistical issues, duties, responsibilities. It has caused me to reflect on where I need to go. 

Two years ago I made a very important decision to stay in my home community. The world was my oyster but I wanted to stay for many reasons, including serving back to those who have helped raised me. I stayed to heal myself and find some resolution for things that I needed answers for. My Guru Ji guided me to stay and I did. As one of my friends so clearly put it, I’ve been on a path of trying to find truth. We don’t choose the path, the path chooses us and God is the one who writes it. 

I have spent most of the last few years trying to chase others, the pursuit of being liked. I am tired of waiting to be appreciated, to be seen. The degree of vulnerability to keep one’s heart open, loving, passionate, to assume the best in others, and try to see the Oneness, is not something that everyone can understand. It is raw and it hurts when you inevitably get burned...but apparently is the best qualities to live a life with depth. I have found it hard to feel trapped by duty, responsibility, the expectations of others. I realized I was holding myself back a few months ago. The excitement and interest in doing something for a greater purpose was growing, but I was held back. I have spent months in turmoil wondering about how all possibilities could work out. I feel like I have clipped my wings, I trapped my mind into thinking that I could no longer dream and think big like I used to. I am less than 150 Angs from finishing the Guru Granth Sahib. It has taken four years but even the persistence of the learning has taught me a lot. Through the highs and lows of the last four years, my Guru has travelled them with me. I got the direction I needed- to find forgiveness for myself that life is not on dwelling on our mistakes. We are allowed to learn and let them go. Everything has a chance to heal if we fight for it.  

The possibilities of life before me are fresh. I am not turning a chapter, I guess God decided I finished my old book entirely. I thought there was more to be written, but I realized that we cannot control these things. Now is the time to awaken the interest in learning instruments, attending camps, exploring Sikhi on a new level; to learn how to be a healer of the spirit like I am of the body. I’ve had dreams to make a big impact in the community, to raise my children and teach them Punjabi, Sikhi, kirtan. The experience of God, can only be by the believer with faith. It must be felt within. I can pray and hope and wish, but it happens by God’s graces and we cannot gift it to another. We came here for one singular purpose to follow that path, no matter what. I made a promise to follow this path. Now is the time to surround myself with sangat to follow that path, to spend time with those interested and excited about Sikhi, but also how it fits into our role as care providers. The discomfort has grown over the last two years, the yearning, the longing for home has grown to a level that I cannot explain. It is time to go home. 

Coronavirus Anxiety

Check out this video from Nanak Naam:

I understand that the masses are anxious right now considering the grocery stores are emptying out. Those even without any previous mental health issues are anxious over what this means. This fear of course is not about this virus, it is about death. What happens when "I" end. As healthcare providers the fear is on a different level. It isn't a fear for oneself. It is having crunched the numbers for ICU, ventilators, hospital beds, personal protective equipment, medications and realizing the reality of the importance of prevention and social isolation. The anxiety and stress is about having to experience a mass-level of grief and loss seeing a large population of your own community dying. In some ways the grief has already begun. We have this warning of what is to come from other countries. 

My Massi Ji phoned me last night. She told me that I've been given a special gift to work at these times, just as they are doing their parts staying home, I am doing my part in working. She told me to remember everything that I had learned to keep myself strong- simran, kirtan, paath, breathing. She reminded me to do my part, but to remember that the ultimate outcome comes from Waheguru. This is You, this is You, this is You. There is just One, merging into Oneself, none of which belongs to me.  This give me something to hold onto for the days and weeks to come. These are hard times for all of us, but we must connect the deepest we ever have into our faith. As Sikhs, we have been taught survival and resiliency. 

COVID-19 and Gurdwaras

We need to learn about social distancing. The Prime Minister and health officials encourage you to STAY HOME to avoid spread of this virus. Please tell your friends and families to gather sangat for simran and kirtan on virtual platforms such as through skype, facetime, or phone calls. Infected people with mild symptoms may be spreading it far before we realize they are sick. We need to protect our community. Sarbat Da Bhalla. As the cases spread this is becoming important. 

Here's a great video in Punjabi about social distancing 
https://www.instagram.com/tv/B9zEbbPl9Oy/?igshid=kwpin53swmrn&fbclid=IwAR1fTC6XsRjt24R6IGdjGO7Xe-AQP3EvzSUkBOwp-9VKuCglMVqKB4d301s

One example is a Gurdwara that has changed to live-streaming in Singapore and has suspended langar for the time being. Our role in benefitting the public good, for the public service/sewa right now is in protecting the public through not spreading this virus. The goal of langar itself is to do a sewa and if we are potentially putting people at risk we need to reassess. It isn't forever, it is a temporary measure for the public good for us not to do any gatherings right now. This is coming from someone who used to go DAILY to the Gurdwara and loves doing kirtan. As much as sangat is important, we need to think of the greater good. 
https://www.straitstimes.com/singapore/suspension-of-food-catering-at-sikh-gurdwaras-to-limit-covid-19-spread-scripture-readings 

from https://www.sikhcoalition.org/wp-content/uploads/2020/03/COVID-19-Punjabi.png

Mirage

Have you ever been in so much disbelief that the world slows down. The silence becomes all-encompassing and it takes your breath away. You sank your hands into the earth on your knees in prayer. The pounding of your heart pulses through your ears and throat. 

When we realize our perceptions aren’t reality it is like an earthquake. The ground is unsteady. Each day moves through a fog, eyes in the distance and never quite in the moment. Hypnotized by the dreams you thought were real. All of what was truth, real, solid, was actually a mirage. The foundations are ripped apart piece by piece and you are falling between the cracks of what you thought could never break. How can the ground itself disappear? It’s a shock like when the windchill in the winter suffocates your throat. It’s an ache in your heart that carries like a brick, dragged along minute to minute. The clock ticks long just waiting for it to pass. When will it pass?  

There are many situations in life that test us, but few that shake us so hard that we sit uncertain about ourselves. It happens to us all at some point, maybe once, maybe more than once. It is a good thing to be shaken. It feels terrible and unbearable. No one in any way would call it beneficial without having a great deal of time and perspective. These points in our lives are points of surrender. They are the ideal opportunity for us to find meaning, find our way home and lay a foundation that can’t break. We think we dream when we close our eyes at night, but we dream each day thinking that our bodies, these possessions, the people we are, the relations, and the definitions we have, are permanent. The ultimate journey is the path to truth to remove this mirage before our eyes. It is so hard to see clearly what is real unless you remind yourself and connect constantly. When we join hands in prayer, bow our heads, when we look inside, we make progress. 

This is how we find our way and the story of many who really connected to their religion through hardship. I hope if that is your day today, if today is the day that you are shaken and feel like it will never go away, that you remember that it does. You will find your way and it will get better. Do simran, listen to kirtan, kathas, inspiring stories. Follow the teachings of Gurbani, and open up your heart to learning. Connect to other sangat. That was me years ago, shaken. I am very appreciative in retrospect, to have found this path and started on it. Once the foundation of what is real is set, those individuals are no longer shaken. That is the spiritual avastha we shall be able to rise to and Sikhi teaches us to attain through daily practice. Once you attain skills, you never lose them. Each day we learn, we are stronger. 

Happy Holla Mohalla

Yesterday was Holla Mohalla. Holla means military charge, and Mohalla means procession. Holla Mohalla is a 3 day festival held at Holgarh fort in Anandpur Sahib (and Gurdwaras across the world). This is a festival started by Guru Gobind Singh Ji in 1700 for Sikhs to gather and reaffirm their commitment to the Khalsa. This was around one year after Guru Ji initially created the Khalsa, and a time during which Aurangzeb was ruling. Holla Mohalla is celebrated the day after Holi. Now every year Sikhs gather to have mock battles, do gatka, horse riding, and practice military exercise, in addition to doing kirtan and having music/poetry competitions. Holla Mohalla is a reminder to us of our responsibility to always fight against injustice, and of our strength as a community.