Beauty and Body Image

We know that people of all gender identities deal with body image issues. I wanted to learn a little bit more about how this has to do with our modern age, but also how body image is perceived in the South Asian population. I was surprised at how much I learned. This issue is relevant to everyone, if you have kids you need to know how to talk to your kids about body image; if you don’t then you should be aware of this issue in our community as there is a general lack of awareness about body image issues and eating disorders in the Indo-Canadian community. As you will see below people in the South Asian community do influence the body image of others. Furthermore, this may be something that affects you or your family more than you think… only 4% of women in the world think they are beautiful according to a study conducted by Dove. Sadly more than half of girls and 1/3 of boys from the ages of 6-8 already said their ideal body is thinner than their current one and 25% of kids have already tried some kind of dieting by age 7 (per Hatch Discussion Guide). Eating disorders have serious consequences including anxiety, depression, suicidal ideation, low self-esteem, malnutrition, alcohol and drug use, and death (Break Binge Eating Statistics). 

Just briefly so we are on the same page here are some definitions. Body image is a combination of how you perceive your body, what you think about it, how you feel about it, and your behaviours towards it. Eating disorders are complex psychological conditions- examples include anorexia nervosa and bulimia nervosa. Body dysmorphia is a body image disorder where people become see a part of them as flawed and start to obsess about it, where muscle dysmorphia is specifically a fear of not having enough muscle. Having a negative body image has the following risk factors: internalization (buying into the idea that a certain appearance will give you value), self-objectification (becoming an external observer of yourself as an object to be evaluated), comparison, fat talk, people with perfectionistic tendencies, those who are high achievers, people with low self-esteem or have depression, those teased about appearance, those who have family and friends with body image concerns/diet for weight loss, those with a larger body size, those who are more cognitively black and white, as well as homosexual men (source: Break Binge Eating Website). Studies on body image in the South Asian community have mostly focused on women but we will talk about men below as well. Eating disorders present themselves differently than in the western population and are influenced by different factors. Nazia Bhatti writes about this in “The Impact of Beauty, Body Image, and Health Discourses on Eating Disorder Risk in South Asian-Canadian Women.” She describes how South Asian women’s body concerns are influenced by westernization of media, criticism from others, conflict, and the relationship with food. I’ll also share comments from Neha Goel from the states who wrote “Conceptualization Of Body Image And Eating Disorders Among South Asian American Women: A Qualitative Investigation” and finally Manisha Kalidas Kapadia’s dissertation “Body Image in Indian Women as Influenced by the Indian Media.” In Kapadia’s study she interviewed women from India who all reported dissatisfaction with their body shape and size, influenced by family and friends and comparisons to Hollywood and Bollywood actresses. Let’s explore these topics and the ones Bhatti mentioned as contributing to body image issues for South Asian women in the west. 

CRITICISM

Because appearance is an important factor in finding and “maintaining” a husband, there is ongoing criticism about topics such as skin tone and weight from “aunties” in the community (Bhatti). (I should take a moment here to say that I was horrified at this thought as a woman being thin as the only thing holding a marriage together and necessary for a woman to keep her husband). Bhatti comments that the idea of fair skin tone come from the background of colonization, when being white meant to be rich and powerful, while being dark skinned meant being working-class, laboring in the sun. Goel notes that fair skin is so important that women continue to use dangerous bleaching products knowing the harms because they also recognize and face colorism in the US/western world. These criticisms from others in the community affect some women so much they are at increased risk of body dissatisfaction and eating disorders (Bhatti). Goel notes that they often are given “pseudo” health tips to “help” with these issues, and they are restricted culturally from advocating for themselves or speaking back. It didn’t matter if the comments were about weight gain or loss- it had a negative effect on the women’s physical and mental health to face this constant judgement about their appearance and led to lower self-esteem (Bhatti). It seems there is a narrow definition of beauty- as Goel described, a woman cannot be seen as too thin or she isn’t “healthy” and she can’t be too fat either. This narrow definition of South Asian beauty sometimes contrasts western ideals of being curvy, tan, and Eurocentric (Goel). Goel specifically comments that in order to make any intervention this older generation of women must be addressed as the younger women will continue to face criticism otherwise. She described that these older women were using their comments to not only surveil food intake, but to enforce a specific standard despite medical illnesses that women had. Here in the western world, discriminatory comments made about a South Asian woman’s ethnic appearance increases the risk of eating disorders because their weight is one of the features they can change about themselves to fit into the westernized ideal (Bhatti). 

It is important to note that the focus on a woman’s figure is an important factor in a woman’s marriage prospects because a man’s family wants a woman with good genes and health (Bhatti). Keep in mind here marriage for a woman in this context represents a lot more than just the western idea of marriage, it also has implications for social status, finances, and whole her future. Thus in the past, women who could afford to eat were those of higher socio-economic status and thus had curvier figures, representing the ideal (Bhatti). The documentary “A Brief History of Fat, and Why We Hate It” talks about the reason why evolutionarily people with more fat are selected; caring for children takes energy and those mothers with more fat stores would be more successful in having kids. In addition, people who are too thin don’t menstruate, so more weight also signals fertility. Having more fat stores also allowed more manual labor to be done, but the problem began when machines took over and humans became inactive in the presence of abundant food. They also talked about how our body is adapted to work against dieting as our hunger instincts are about our survival. Bhatti reminds us that for many a woman’s appearance now is still the most important factor in an arranged marriage because of this background in it representing her health status. I think one of the things that we really need to remember is that thin doesn’t necessarily mean healthy- it might also come with clogged arteries, or malnutrition. I also realized that it kind of makes sense for men to be wired to be so focused on breasts and butts because actually parts of fertility to have a pelvis that’s big enough to bear children and breasts that would feed the children.

CONFLICT

In terms of conflict, Bhatti says that women who were experiencing conflicts in values between western ideals and South Asian values- even if they were on unrelated topics like dating, or culture clashes with their parents, experienced an increased risk of eating disorders. In most documentaries on eating disorders you will see the people describing how eating was their way of controlling life, or the one thing they could control. So it makes sense if we are restricting the freedoms of young women, and making them feel powerless in their lives that they are controlling the one thing they can, which is eating (Bhatti). I think that there is another way in which this western values conflict presents it self. I’ve noticed a lot of my cousins talking about not looking too bright, and wearing muted black/white or grey colors of popular brands like Nike. I think that my bright clothing and floral prints makes people uncomfortable sometimes because they tend to wear dark clothing specifically to blend in and not be noticed whereas I find a yellow shirt just brightens up your day and reminds you that life is vibrant and there is a richness to be lived. I don’t think there is anything wrong with either but I do think restricting yourself only to black to hide away, to fit in, or being afraid to wear something of color is different than just choosing subtle colors because you enjoy that.  

FOOD IN SOUTH ASIAN CULTURE

Bhatti noted it is culturally inappropriate in many cases to decline food when you are visiting someone and it is offered, or for many people in their own homes; that food is often made in excess; meal preparation is typically done by women; and that the family all eats the same meals. Some women resorted to starving themselves in anticipation of having to go to events where they wouldn’t be able to decline food, or to just not eat altogether. The women studied were specifically changing their eating for weight loss, not for health reasons, and didn’t even consider the effects it would hae on their health (Bhatti). In Kapadia’s study all the women wanted to change their bodies, but felt that lack of resources restricted them such as not having nannies to care for the children, having to work, not having money for surgery or personal trainers, etc. Goel notes that mental illnesses including eating disorders are stigmatized and thus underreported in the South Asian community. 

MEDIA

In the media, South Asian women consume both Hollywood and Bollywood media and while in the past media in both used to focus on having a full curvy figure, that has changed over time to a thin ideal(Bhatti). Kapadia similarly noted that women in India consume both types of media, but they draw more of their comparisons based on Hollywood rather than Bollywood which I found to be surprising. The women in her study noted that in the past both Hollywood and Bollywood focused on talent, and women had fuller figures while nowadays Bollywood especially is focused on revealing clothing, western outfits, plastic surgery, and thin actresses. They noted men to be more muscular in the media as well compared to the past, and that movies generally now showed more scenes of a sexual nature which may not be appropriate for children. Women noted that the general population in India had also begun to represent that movie ideal with more revealing westernized clothing. 

Most of us have seen Dove’s evolution video, I will link it here in case you haven’t: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iYhCn0jf46U It shows a model getting digitally altered and all the work that goes into how she looks in the final product. There are many ways in which individuals will make efforts to alter their appearance, and we all know that the beauty industry is worth billions for a reason. I learned that a lot of these products are also not regulated the same as the rest of the stuff that we consume and use, hence the emergence of clean beauty products (Toxic Beauty CBC). Some of them can be quite dangerous to us. We will now list off the methods used to alter appearance, many of which I didn’t know about (source for most of this paragraph is the Body Acceptance Class Manual). These methods include makeup, fake tans, surgeries to change eye color, contact lenses to change eyecolor, laser surgery for eyes, fake lashes, fake nails, wigs, dying hair and haircare products to change hair texture such as straightening hair, perfume, skin bleaching agents, plastic surgery, skincare products, hair removal (waxing, laser, shaving), skin rejuvenation procedures, skin tattooing (ex. eyebrows, eyeliner), manicures/pedicures, dietary supplements like steroids, extreme diets, excessive exercise, etc. (source: “what is pretty?” and Australian Center for Clinical Interventions). For the fashion industry, they select young models who are often pre-pubescent or early teens to represent products that are for older women. Then on top of this the fashion industry uses bras and bottoms that are padded, even for making a regular sized model look plus sized- so her face and neck is thin but the rest is padded. If you think about it a woman with a low BMI has no fat, therefore naturally she cannot physically have big breasts or a big butt because she doesn’t have the fat to support it. This has lead to padding or photoshopping those pieces in afterwards and in some cases breast implants. They pin clothes in the back, duct tape breasts, two sets of bras, or girdles to increase cleavage, and skin is taped back to remove wrinkles. Once this process is done, lighting is set up, posesare set up a particular way, and the photo is taken. Then comes the computer manipulation which can range from photoshopping to change body proportions, take off wrinkles, make someone skinny, to completely using just the face of a person and using a computer generated body, or parts of different bodies. This has prompted some models to do talks about how even they don’t look like their version in a magazine. Furthermore if you thought this was just computer, magazines, etc. this is also in live films. Men are also photoshopped and can have body doubles in movies. Moreover, did you know that if those store mannequins were real women, they wouldn’t be able to menstruate? Those are not fit and healthy ideals. Sometimes they have no heads and the back of their body is missing, but it does demonstrate something- if you walk by and see a mannequin wearing something it’ll attract you to walk into the store. As Media Smarts mentions it is important to remind ourselves that consumer culture is built on people feeling like they need to buy things to be happy and successful. Studies found that even when people are aware of all of this manipulation, and counterargue it, they still internalize the thin ideal (source: positive psychology)…it’s not good enough just to know that the picture you are looking at is altered. 

The scary part about social media is it can do all the things that I mentioned above. A lot of people are probably like me and didn’t realize it is very common for the average everyday person to digitally alter their pictures on social media! Most studies on social media are correlational at this time and some studies have been conflicting. What we do know is that most men and women compare their bodies to images they see in the media, and social media can influence them to internalize the thinness ideal. Viewing fitspiration (fitness inspiration on Instagram) posts can result in unhealthy eating and exercise in young adults, and women who share their fitspiration photos have higher drive to be thinner and undergo compulsive exercise (source: Mind that Ego). In another study just 10 minutes on Facebook resulted in more appearance related concerns (Source: in-mind). BBC states that studies also show that women feel worse after posting a selfie even if they retouched it. For some young people whose social media lives are more important than real life, this validation from likes is defining their self-worth. 

MEN

Eating disorders also affect men, especially athletes as men are pressured to not be too thin as they must be muscular, but also not to be obese. Many have turned to steroid use to build muscle (Center for Clinical interventions). Interestingly, a study from 2008 showed that men became more self-conscious seeing sexualized women in male magazines, because they expected these women would want the same ideal from their bodies as well (Media smarts). There is a huge pressure to be muscular and fit. I suspect there is a diversity of body image issues that aren’t mentioned because men don’t like to talk about these things, but some that are notable are fear of being short and insecurity about genitals. I think in terms of body image a lot of Sikh men in particular struggle with hair, beard, or even chest hair and the ideal of what they should be looking like and what they want to look like. Insecurities is a topic that should be expanded on, for example the portrayal of Sikh men with and without turbans and what kinds of personalities they have in movies and how they are portrayed. I noticed a common stereotype for the hero to be muscular guy, and for turbaned men to often be awkward, insecure stereotypes. How is that affecting men’s views of themselves? 

BODY POSTIVITY VS NEUTRALITY

The body positive movement focuses on accepting all marginalized bodies and it’s background comes from the “fat acceptance movement” started to fight fat shaming and fat phobia, whereas body confidence is your personal confidence in your body (source: Cliona Byrne). Positive Psychology writes that people who are overweight are found to often go through a pattern of feeling bad, then further using food or inactivity as comfort, and gaining more weight. Building up self-esteem and being happy about body image is so important that it helps to break this cycle, and allow people to then improve their physical health. Some people have misunderstood it as promoting an unhealthy ideal by thinking that if people accept themselves at an obese weight they are not promoting a healthy lifestyle but that’s not what the body positivity movement is about. There is controversy over weight loss in the body positivity community as sometimes those who set weight loss goals are no longer seen as body positive- it is thought that this is coming from a place of shame, or something bad, rather than as something positive that someone might be motivated to do for their health (discussed by youtuber ObesetoBeast). Yet it could totally be coming from a positive space. Thus some people have promoted the term body neutrality instead, focusing on the idea that we should just stop focusing on the body so much in the first place (source: The Cut). We will revisit this topic. We talked about the Dove evolution ad above. I think one of the important things to mention is that people are upset that Dove also sells fair and lovely which is a skin bleaching agent, and although companies are starting to add in more diversity of models on the runway, they are still selling us a product and that our bodies matter more than ourselves (The Social Media Beauty Cult DW documentary).

IDEAS

Ideas to overcome the effects of media on our self-image are to get away from your phone and go out and have real friendships, to change your feed, stop comparing ourselves and to have positive self-talk (King University, Hatch Discussion Guide). Try to figure out where ideas came from. Think about what your body is able to do and it’s functions- for example your legs are not for looking pretty or being an object, they are for walking (Positive Psychology, Engeln). I liked how Engeln said “your body is your tool for exploring the world.” Some of the ways of supporting children is body positive books, pointing out the talents of people who are of various body sizes and being active together (Huffington post). We know that media literacy, academic achievement, problem-solving skills, high self-esteem, body appreciation, and intuitive eating are protective against eating disorders (Break Binge Eating). 

It is notable that 8 out of 10 women opt out of events because they don’t feel beautiful, and that this starts young with girls not putting up their hands to avoid drawing attention to themselves, withdrawing in debates, sports, and other activities (Carrie Hammer; Meaghan Ramsey). In fact, studies show girls and women who are focused on monitoring their body from an outside perspective perform worse on math and reading tests, can’t lift as heavy weights, throw a softball as far, or run as far (Lindsay Kite). Renee Engeln states “Now, psychologist have long told us that we have finite cognitive resources.. you also cannot chronically monitor your body’s appearance and be engaged in the world.” The time spent on appearance and thinking about how they look is at the expense of actually living- of spending time in their bodies and using them for sports, family, hobbies and learning (Ramsey). We need to remind little girls they are more than their appearance. This comes back to the topic of it being important to move past our bodies. Sikhi teaches us that the body is simply a vessel. It helps us achieve the purpose of our life and we are so fortunate after so many reincarnations to have this human life. To be obsessed with the body is not a part of Sikhi. It is not wrong to want to look presentable, but to spend hours on your paag or makeup is not without its consequences. In Sikhi we are taught to move beyond this world and maya and into a different spiritual state. When we are uncomfortable within ourselves, or in our lives, it is often just a consequence of this inner stirring. As the DW documentary describes “society is racked with constant inner unrest.” For us we actually know that in Sikhi this inner unrest comes from something deeper than appearance. It is our journey that we came to this earth for an until that is satisfied we will not feel fulfilled. One makeup artist, DeVirgilis, found that there was a small percent of her clients not apologizing for their looks and those were the ones aware of their mortality. I think that it shouldn’t take that kind of event for us to finally appreciate what our body can do. If you got breast cancer and lost your breasts, you would be so regretful that you spent so much time worrying about how they look, and wished that you had just appreciated your body for what it was. As Sikhs are more aware of our mortality and aware that all of our time spent here is precious.

 

I’ll end on a personal note about my experiences. I’ve never struggled from an eating disorder or significant body image issues so its unfair of me to ever say that I can speak from that perspective or know what it feels like. What I will say is that don’t fall into the belief that people are spared from this appearance pressure if you change yourself or you had been born differently. Even models in TED talks talk deeply about their insecurities and how much they struggle with appearance. My body is what a lot of people would call the ideal body type, and I have long eyelashes, fair skin, long hair… yet I too have my own insecurities. That is the business of fashion, it is there to make you feel that. I have experienced some of the typical “criticism” category which I don’t think any of us in the Punjabi community are immune from. Within a week of each other, I had a South Asian doctor tell me they thought that I was anorexic because I was so skinny and an aunty tell me that I looked fat (?!). This vast discrepancy obviously comes from people’s own insecurities and their own perceptions and we cannot take that personally. The lady selling me my Hugo boss suit told me I was a perfect sample size, yet all the clothes of the same size in my closet range from labels of XXS to XL; I could be a zero or an eight. The size ranging has nothing to do with the actual size of the clothes. I remember being 13 years old, and I went shopping for a pair of jeans in Toronto. At thirteen I didn’t realize that your pelvis still has some growing to do. I went to the store and picked up my usual size and the lady told me no, I need the size up. I refused, bought the smaller size. What she was actually saying was that the sizes run small, what I interpreted was completely different. The jeans were tight, and they barely fit for a few weeks and I never wore them again. I kept them in my closet for a while not understanding that my pelvis cannot possibly ever get smaller. I learned a lesson that day that I’ll remember forever- don’t judge on the size label, just choose clothes that fit. We are not defined by our sizes. When we are in our teens there is this awkwardness of knowing your body and learning your body. Then our brain itself is growing into its adult version until 25 so it takes its time to learn about what this body feels like, what it can do, and how it functions. For example getting your period doesn't make you a woman overnight. There is a lot of growth in that process. The more simran you do the more outwardly focused you are as well. I noticed even having a focus of visiting Gurdwaras in India and not looking in the mirror made a huge difference to how I felt. I'm not perfect and some days I worry about being thin just like everyone else but I am more confident in myself now and I think I appreciate my body a lot more. I have the perspective to appreciate what my lungs for breathing, and my abdomen for digestion, and to know that it is so much more than what it looks like. Some days your body might not feel right, or maybe even isn't healthy, and I think it is all that much more important to recognize the positive side of what you can do and where your mind can take you that the body can't. 

If you need professional help with body image issues or an eating disorder please see your doctor. There is help available. 

References (I highly recommend watching Engeln’s and Kite’s videos, the first two): 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uDowwh0EU4w Body Positivity or Body Obsession? Learning to See More and Be More by Lindsay Kite 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=63XsokRPV_Y An Epidemic of Beauty Sickness by Renee Engeln

https://positivepsychology.com/positive-body-image/ Positive Psychology: Three Positive Body

Image Activities and Worksheets 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j9vE4i017q4 The Business of Beauty is Very Ugly​ by Carrie Hammer

Nazia Bhatti “The Impact of Beauty, Body Image, and Health Discourses on Eating Disorder Risk in South Asian-Canadian Women. https://ir.lib.uwo.ca/etd/5206/

Neha Goel "Conceptualization Of Body Image And Eating Disorders Among South Asian American Women: A Qualitative Investigation.” https://scholarscompass.vcu.edu/etd/6037/

Manisha Kalidas Kapadia “Body Image in Indian Women as Influenced by the Indian Media.” https://twu-ir.tdl.org/handle/11274/3939

https://mediasmarts.ca/body-image/body-image-girls

https://gem.cbc.ca/media/toxic-beauty/episode-1/38e815a-0124102b12f Toxic Beauty Documentary by CBC

https://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au Center for Clinical Interventions, Government of Western Austrailia 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hBdA0soFx4w Beauty and How We’re Obsessed with the Wrong Idea: Christina Gressinau

https://www.in-mind.org/article/selfie-esteem-the-relationship-between-body-dissatisfaction-and-social-media-in-adolescent The Inquisitive Mind: Selfie-Esteem: The Relationship Between Body Dissatisfaction and Social Media in Adolescent and Young Women by Makwana, Lee, Parkin and Farmer 

Body Acceptance Class Manual by Stice, Shaw and Rohde http://www.bodyprojectsupport.org/assets/pdf/materials/bp_4sess_script_handouts.pdf  

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yNOIAfwc0WU A Model’s Guide to Perfection Bella Glanville 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5PBs7RqPTrI The social media beauty cult DW documentary 

https://www.thecut.com/2017/03/forget-body-positivity-how-about-body-neutrality.html

https://clionabyrne.com/body-positivity-vs-body-confidence/ Body Positivity Vs. Body Confidence by Cliona Byrne 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IHht-JAxdUU  What is Pretty? 

https://online.king.edu/news/social-media-and-body-image/  King University: The Link Between Social Media and Body Image 

https://www.bbc.com/future/article/20190311-how-social-media-affects-body-image The Complicated Truth about Social Media and Body Image (BBC)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vinqph-g5QI A Brief History of Fat, and Why We Hate It 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SMpV0gcq5go Body Positivity has gone TOO Far (I’m Mad) by ObesetoBeast

https://www.huffingtonpost.ca/entry/foster-healthy-body-image-child_l_5c86b4a8e4b0d936162add28 Huffington Post: 10 everyday ways to Foster and Healthy Body Image in Your Child 

https://www.mindthatego.com/instagram-influence-body-image-part-1/ Instagram’s Influence on Negative Body Image

The Ultimate List of Body Image Statistics Dr. Linardon https://breakbingeeating.com/body-image-statistics/ 

Hatch Discussion Guide http://media.sheknows.com/article-downloads/HATCHDISCUSSIONBodyImageAndMedia.pdf  

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cWESkMNPams Body Image: Not Just about Your Body: Jessi Kneeland 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gXlIAS-rI4E Why thinking you’re ugly is bad for you by Megahan Ramsey 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8eAL4JNQQU8 Beauty: Documentary on Societal Beauty Standards 

https://www.confidentbody.net/uploads/1/7/0/2/17022536/nedc_body_image_fact_sheet.pdf Confident Body.net Body Image Fact Sheet 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gto6w0a13B0 In my Chair- A makeup artists perspective on beauty: Eva DeVirgilis 

photos references

https://tinybuddha.com/blog/the-truth-about-body-positive-activists-on-social-media/

https://www.meadowsranch.com/how-body-diversity-can-help-women-build-a-positive-body-image/

https://www.additudemag.com/adhd-related-body-dysmorphic-disorder/

https://www.pinterest.de/pin/685813849492325341/

https://www.worthpoint.com/worthopedia/diwali-barbie-doll-festivals-world-248150021  

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Letters to My Beloved

When Guru Ram Das Ji was invited to a wedding, he sent his son, the young Arjan Mal in his place. He told Arjan Mal not to return until he was called, and sent him off to Lahore. After the wedding he was to run the proceedings of the dharmsala and guide the local sangat. Much time passed. Arjan Mal longed for his Guru, but he wasn’t called back. He would not go against Guru Ji’s Hukam and thus stayed where he was, waiting for a letter calling him home. He wrote a letter which is now in the shabad Hazare: “Maajh, Fifth Guru, Chau-Padas, First House: My mind longs for the Blessed Vision of the Guru's Darshan. It cries out like the thirsty songbird. My thirst is not quenched, and I can find no peace, without the Blessed Vision of the Beloved Saint. ||1|| I am a sacrifice; my soul is a sacrifice, to the Blessed Vision of the Beloved Saint Guru. (1, Pause)”. This shabad is beautifully sung by the Chardikala jatha here https://www.sikhnet.com/gurbani/audio/mere-man-loche I encourage you to listen to the whole thing, it really pulls at your heart and you can even download it.

Arjan Mal sent this letter with a Sikh to be delivered to Guru Ji, but his letter was intercepted by Prithi Chand. He was afraid Arjan Mal would be made Guru and he wanted to be Guru himself. He told the messenger the next morning that Guru Ji read the letter and wishes for Arjan Mal to stay in Lahore. He then wrote a second letter: “Your Face is so beautiful, and the Sound of Your Words imparts intuitive wisdom. It is so long since this rainbird has had even a glimpse of water. Blessed is that land where You dwell, O my Friend and Intimate Divine Guru. ||2|| I am a sacrifice; I am forever a sacrifice, to my Friend and Intimate Divine Guru. ||1|| Pause.” The same episode repeated, with Prithi Chand intercepting the letter. The Sikh explained to Arjan Mal that he wasn’t sure if the letter had actually reached Guru Ji as he was not allowed to meet with Guru Ji and he was asked to come back. Guru Ji wrote the third letter: “When I could not be with You for just one moment, the Dark Age of Kali Yuga dawned for me. When will I meet You, O my Beloved Almighty? I cannot endure the night, and sleep does not come, without the Sight of the Beloved Guru's Court. ||3|| I am a sacrifice; my soul is a sacrifice, to that True Court of the Beloved Guru. ||1||Pause.” The Sikh was sent this time with specific instructions to give this letter to Guru Ji, and Arjan Mal bowed in remembrance of his Guru. Meanwhile Guru Ji was all knowing and testing his son, by making sure he stayed within Hukam. The messenger sat in the sangat without being seen by Prithi Chand and delivered the letter. In so much pain of separation, Arjan Mal had still obeyed the Hukam. He called Baba Buddha Ji to bring Arjan Mal back. Guru Ji met him and noted that this was the third stanza, where were the other two? Arjan Mal noted that two other letters had been sent, and Guru Ji noted that they had not reached him. Prithi Chand tried to lie but eventually his betrayal was revealed. Arjan Mal was granted the Guruship, and the fourth stanza was written to finish the shabad: "By good fortune, I have met the Saint Guru. I have found the Immortal Almighty within the home of my own self. I will now serve You forever, and I shall never be separated from You, even for an instant. Servant Guru Nanak is Your slave, O Beloved Master. ||4|| I am a sacrifice, my soul is a sacrifice; servant Guru Nanak is Your slave, Almighty.||Pause||1||8.” These letters were such beautiful shabads, shabads of longing for the Guru, of praise, of separation, and of finally meeting and ultimate bliss. They describe an incredible spiritual journey written at the age of 18. Poetry and writing has such deep impact for us.(Reference for Sakhi is Sri Guru Granth Sahib Academy https://sggsacademy.com). 

Letter writing has largely just gone away. No one writes letters anymore in the era of Instagram, tictoc, facetime, zoom, whatsapp, etc. letters seem to be far gone. No one even bothers sending emails asking how you are doing because there’s so many other more instantaneous ways of communication. Our attention spans are short and we like videos and multitasking, perhaps there is no patience for a letter anymore. I received some post-cards from a friend last year and it was so nice to get something physical that you can hold in your hands. I like letters, I like the little stamp, I like the thought and energy that goes into it. Sure it is slower to arrive, but it is also more meaningful than anything else. If someone talks to you, they can easily say “oh I didn’t say that” but a letter is committing everything down to a piece of paper. It is the pouring out of your soul onto a sheet of paper, with your writing, with your pen. I used to write letters a lot. When my parents were away I would mail them off and send stickers and pictures to my little sister as well. The letters to my mom were always in Punjabi because I talk to her in Punjabi so I wanted my communication to be as genuine as it would be in person as if I was speaking to her. Writing a letter itself also takes time to think about how it will flow, you don’t want to make a mistake in a letter because it might be kept forever. Because of this sometimes we might not even send letters- I have a lot of unsent letters. I remember an episode of the comedy Everybody Loves Raymond where the daughter-in-law Debra writes a mean spirited letter to her mother-in-law Marie, telling her to stop interfering in her life, and although they are all happy at the end Marie says she needs to keep the letter for evidence later. Memories fade but letters don’t go away which is why I think it is such a big task to simply write in the first place, to commit something to paper, to know that it is meaningful. The journals people read after someone has died is essentially a letter to oneself, like the diaries of Anne Frank. They are so impactful they change lives. The letters people read that someone has left when they are dying are similarly impactful. I can’t imagine the same impact from an online platform. I think it is worth thinking about the various means of communication and the impact we get from them. Certainly it is a lot more meaningful to visit someone in person and to look into their eyes, to take in the energy of being in the room, to hear their voice, than to text. We are all realizing that now that we are way more isolated because of covid. Oh how we long to see other people, other sangat, to actually physically be in the same space. 

Think about writing a letter, who would you write to, yourself, Guru Ji, someone else? What will you write about? 

New Learning, Old Learning

There are some major differences in self-learning and learning from a teacher. I’ve realized that this connects to the bigger picture of Sikhi as well. I do a lot of self-learning, for example watching a video to learn how to crochet a dress, do yoga, or study Sikh history online. When you learn something yourself, you kind of just experiment around and figure out what works and what doesn’t. You generally work at your own pace and don’t really have the pressure of someone else evaluating you. It’s a self-checking mechanism, it’s up to you how much you want to improve and how much you are doing yourself towards your own learning. Because there isn’t guidance sometimes you may end up going off track with this type of learning. 

When you have a teacher there is a different process that happens. I realized this a few days ago when I started santhiya for Nitnem. I had thought that we would start from Japji Sahib, but the first thing we started with was the Gurmukhi/Punjabi alphabet. Then we reviewed the muharni which is basically just adding vowels (in our case kana, hoda, etc.) to the alphabet and reading it aloud. When you are learning something from someone else you have to let go of ego to actually learn properly, otherwise your ego will inhibit the learning. You have to drop the idea that you know things and be open to correction and improvement. Having spent years being evaluated in school, I thought that I was used to this process. Yet actually I realized that I wasn’t because for the large part what I was learning was something completely new I didn’t take constructive feedback personally. The same happened during learning cooking- if my mom told me to do something differently or I was doing it wrong, I simply changed course because it was all new to me. To give a more common example, when you learned how to drive, you didn’t know anything about driving. Whatever feedback you got, you implemented it because you didn’t have an ego on the topic that was pre-existing since it was a new area of learning. You didn't fight the constructive feedback. Yet in learning santhiya, rabab, or singing in raags, I did have a background in those things. I’ve been doing kirtan, singing, reading Gurbani in Gurmukhi, and writing Punjabi since I was little. There was some ego there because it wasn’t like I was learning something foreign to me, I was expanding on a background that I already had. It was new learning upon an old layer of learning that was quite engrained. On top of going back to the basics, in many classes you aren’t alone. There may be small children who are far ahead of you in saanthiya, and the group hears everything everyone else is saying so they hear your mistakes as well. This is why you have to let go of your ego, but also why it is never too late to learn. Let’s say I was 50 and I didn’t know how to read the ooda aada- there’s nothing to be ashamed about in learning it now. It’s never to late to be learning how to do kirtan, simran, or how to read Japji Sahib for example. The problem is just that egos get in the way and we feel like we should have known it by now. The ego tells us not to even bother, that we “know enough” and that we don’t need ot be learning more. In all facets of life whether its sports and exercise, personal skills, language, music, or other areas, it is beneficial for us to learning rather than just giving up into the mindset that it’s too late. Looking back to five years ago I was embarrassed that my communication skills weren’t the best. This was an area of building on new learning onto old learning; I obviously had some good communication skills like listening but there were other areas where I was lacking. I had a hard time taking everything I was feeling and thinking inside, and logically explaining it to anyone. I also struggled to be able to even label or identify sometimes what it was that I was wanting to communicate because it felt so abstract at times. It really has become so routine now it is hard to picture what that felt like at the time. Moving forward to my situation now, I could have said I don’t want to repeat the basics and just given into my ego, but actually it has been really beneficial. There has been some sounds and letter combos that I have learned to pronounce better already. 

The advantages of learning with a teacher explains why it is so important to have a Guru. Even looking back the bhagats all had a Guru who guided them and why Guru Amardas Ji went searching for years to try to find a Guru. We have Sri Guru Granth Sahib Ji to guide us and correct us when we are off course in our lives. A teacher is sometimes hard on us and teaches us discipline, which our Guru Ji teaches us as well. Lastly, the biggest realization out of all of this is that to be a Sikh is a lifelong learner and by the nature of us learning from our Guru, we are destroying our ego just like we are in our other student teacher relationships. We know that this is the goal of Sikhi in a more theoretical concept, but very practically this also makes sense that being a learner means we have to let go of our ego to learn. In the case of Sikhi, we need to let go of our definition of I, me, and my thoughts, and what we know about our own lives and how they should be lived. 

Spiritual Union

Last night I got a Hukamnama that I have gotten many times in the last couple of years. I figured I should read the meaning deeper this time because there is something I am not understanding that Guru Ji is trying to convey to me again and again. It is from Raag Soohi, the raag of love and written by Guru Amardas Ji. It has the famous line “Third Mehl: They are not said to be husband and wife, who merely sit together. They alone are called husband and wife, who have one light in two bodies” (Ang 788). 

It starts “Shalok, Third Mehl: O bride, decorate yourself, after you surrender and accept your Husband Lord. Otherwise, your Husband Lord will not come to your bed, and your ornaments will be useless. O bride, your decorations will adorn you, only when your Husband Lord's Mind is pleased.  Your ornaments will be acceptable and approved, only when your Husband Lord loves you. So make the Fear of God your ornaments, joy your betel nuts to chew, and love your food. Surrender your body and mind to your Husband Lord, and then, O Nanak, He will enjoy you. “ In this first part of the Hukamnama, Guru Ji talks about the surrender that is needed on our spiritual quest. Give up the external parts and walk the internal path- the path of love. In Gurbani we are all the bride, and God is the groom. It goes on “Third Mehl: The wife takes flowers, and fragrance of betel, and decorates herself. But her Husband Lord does not come to her bed, and so these efforts are useless.” In the next part “Third Mehl: They are not said to be husband and wife, who merely sit together. They alone are called husband and wife, who have one light in two bodies.” We will discuss this line in more detail below. Finally the Pauri “Without the Fear of God, there is no devotional worship, and no love for the Naam, the Name of the Lord. Meeting with the True Guru, the Fear of God wells up, and one is embellished with the Fear and the Love of God. When the body and mind are imbued with the Lord's Love, egotism and desire are conquered and subdued. The mind and body become immaculately pure and very beautiful, when one meets the Lord, the Destroyer of ego. Fear and love all belong to Him; He is the True Lord, permeating and pervading the Universe.” In this section Guru Ji talks about the importance of having a Guru to develop fear and love for God, from there devotion grows, the ego is overcome, and one merges into their purpose. 

This line “They are not said to be husband and wife who merely sit together. They alone are called husband and wife, who have one light in two bodies” is read to the couple at the Anand Karaj to explain to the couple the spiritual journey they are walking on. We are all one Light. There is truly just One that is everything, encompassing the entirety of the energy of the universe. When we talk about the concept of soul, there isn’t a “my” and “yours” but rather just the soul is representative of that oneness inside of us. Then we have our bodies, the vessel that carries this mind for this lifetime. The mind is not self-realized. It becomes attached to the body and thinks that this body is it. It thinks it is defined by its characteristics here- I am Punjabi, 5’7” tall, a female, etc. The mind thinks it is defined by characteristics of what it has done in this life, whether good or bad. It identifies with its personality in this life. Yet it is not any of these things. The mind in reality needs to remove its veil of doubt, the veil of illusion. The veil of illusion is composed of all of the thoughts of the mind, and it prevents the mind from achieving its purpose. The mind becomes lost in thoughts. It becomes lost in its ego. It becomes lost in its definition of I, me, to the point that it cannot recognize the One. We cannot see, or hear the One even though Waheguru is everywhere. As we have discussed before the laavan teach us how to walk that spiritual path so that in the fourth stage, the fourth laav, we can have our mind break that illusion and finally realize that Waheguru was here all along. It’s doubt is gone, the ego is gone, and it becomes merged, unaffected by maya. What Guru Ji is expanding upon in this Hukam is that we physically can have our relationships here in this world, but we must remember that we are actually One. In an article, T. Singh talks about how our Homai, our ego, gets in the way of us unifying with our partner. He describes how to unify: “SGGS says that when we look upon the other person as part of us, all the differences disappear.” It is the five that break us up- kaam, krodh, lob, moh, hankaar. They create thoughts that create tension in our relationships, and we let them win.  The more we dig into maya the easier life seems. When I used to spend large amounts of time just absorbed into watching TV, or doing mindless activities busy in the world, life didn’t seem too difficult. As soon as I started monitoring my thoughts, and starting to stop some of my old habits, change my ways of thinking, to recognize the 5 and how they play, it became harder. Before maya won automatically because you weren’t even realizing you were playing the game. Now when you are trying to battle it out, to win and overcome the 5, life becomes a little bit more challenging. It has to come from a place of devotion and deep love that you play the game of life. 

I saw another post from Pritpal Singh Khalsa that was about how Guru Ji’s advice is useful for marriage. He describes that Gurbani is talking about “…two people so deeply united in consciousness that their inner light merges to become one light, one ‘jot’.” His article talks about how its easy at the beginning of a relationship for us not to notice the amount of effort that will be required in the long run. Uniting your consciousness means that there is a spiritual journey to be walked by both partners- both must change, both must grow, and be patient as each other grows. He says that sometimes you have to step back as the other person needs space, but a continual commitment to each other and Waheguru and communication about spiritual values and vision is important to survive conflicts and growth that arises. He says “A storybook relationship is something that many of us think we want but when it comes down to it, we find that it isn’t how things really work out… Often, what we find is that each of us brings to the relationship some things that are positive, but we also bring some things that can be negative. Initially we may be unable to see these things and have limited ability to work them out. But when two people can share a common spiritual center, it acts like a keel to stabilize the relationship, moving in the right direction; allowing any conflicts to be worked out directly or indirectly.” Most relationships starts with your head in the clouds but every relationship has its challenges as life happens. It is love to be patient, to grow, to give space. This is why love is not really searching, and waiting to meet that person who fulfills your list of a million things. It's not supposed to be perfect, the process of the spiritual transformation is not easy or flawless. It just is you working together on your spiritual paths to help each other along, so that ideally your minds can merge into that collective whole, one consciousness. Our time in these bodies is temporary, so the time that we spend with our most precious sangat is so important. The other thing that comes up again in Gurbani is also not to get too attached to your partner, because it is a temporary relationship. If you are instead in love with the One in your partner and all, that doesn't go away. So the expectation that someone will come into our life and just magically fulfill that emptiness that can only be fulfilled by the mind meeting Waheguru and finishing it's own path, is false. Someone else cannot fulfill that but you can walk with each other as you fulfill it. 

Upon reflecting on this Hukamnama it has a lot of advice that is both relevant for our worldly lives but also the spiritual path we all walk. The more Gurbani we read, the deeper into it we can understand more and more meanings. Each line has an infinite amount of knowledge if we keep digging deeper to understand its relevance to our lives. 

References
http://www.gurbani.org/articles/webart278.php

https://www.sikhdharma.org/two-bodies-one-light/  

Menstrual Products

You might be wondering why I am posting about this. I am trying to make an effort to focus on important topics of education and discussion and this is one area that Punjabi women often don’t know their options. In our community we definitely need to be expanding on health topics, whether it's women's health or men's health. As we discussed previously there is a lot of menstrual stigma so I think it is great if those who are menstruating get to learn more about their options, and even for their partners to have more awareness. I made a little infographic- it’s a bit blurry because of how it looks when I put it into blogger but it’s at least an overview. I will go in more detail below if its too hard to read. 

One of the things that I found really challenging about being on call, wearing scrubs and being in the hospital for over 30 hours was managing your period. Dealing with the cramps, bleeding, fatigue, and emotions added a new layer of challenge to my job. People who menstruate spend a significant portion of their overall life cycle dealing with their periods so it’s important to do what we can for our comfort. Women’s health is incredibly important, and as we realized some women resort to unsafe methods to manage their periods. Finding something you find comfortable makes a huge difference in the quality of your life. So let’s go through the options and you might realize some things you may not have before. This post is for general information, make sure to do your own research when choosing a product and make sure it's right for you and your body. For women in the post-partum period (after they have a baby) they especially should not be using anything internally and should be careful on their selections of products. 

Period Underwear 

Period underwear are a type of lined reusable underwear to be worn during your period. This is an environmentally friendly option and usually worn for light days or backup coverage. A lot of women wear them overnight. They come in a lot of different styles like normal underwear does (hipsters, bikinis, etc). Some are more bulky for holding more liquid, some have coverage on the back, and some absorb different amounts. Generally they all tend to absorb more than pads or tampons but because of the fuss of having to change them, normally people don’t use them as the main period product. It can be hard to change them when away from home but you can get wet/dry bags like you do for cloth pads. They can be costly upfront but are reusable. You have to be careful as to how you wash and dry them so as not to damage them. They can be more comfortable for some than traditional pads because they are just made out of cloth. They can’t be used for swimming because they are absorptive. They come in different colours, so if you buy black ones you are less likely to see the blood on them which is advantageous when it comes to stains, etc. and some women don’t like seeing the blood all over. Examples of companies that sell them: thinx, knix, flux, aisle, modibodi (I don’t think they ship to Canada), Ruby, and Dear Kate. If you don’t like the idea of thick underwear Knix leakproof are like normal underwear, but don’t absorb as much. 

Cloth Pads

These are made of cloth and put in the underwear. Rather than sticking like a traditional pad, most of them have snaps to close them around your underwear. They are reusable and washable. Some of them come with really specific washing instructions, and need to be washed by hand and dried in the air, but some can just be thrown into your usual wash and dry cycle with your clothes (rinse them really well by hand to remove most of the blood). These tend to absorb a lot more than traditional pads, some companies have up to 4x more even with smaller pads. They come in different sizes and colours. This is advantageous again if you are worried about stains and don’t like to see the blood. They are more costly upfront but you tend to save money over time because they are reusable. They are cloth so people tend to find them more comfortable than the plastics used to make traditional pads, and they come with less problems for rashes/reactions. Because they are absorptive they cant be used for swimming. When travelling, they take up less room than a traditional pad because you can just lay them straight instead of folding them up. They are harder to change in public bathrooms, so you have to get a wet/dry bag but you don’t need a garbage around. A lot of women use them for night-time. Examples of companies that sell them are numerous but Aisle and Hannahpads are popular. 

Tampons

Unlike the above options, tampons are worn inside the body. A lot of women like them because they aren’t “sitting” in the blood like a pad, but rather all the blood is absorbed inside. There is a string attached to pull it out. Some come with an inserter (cardboard or plastic), and some you just push directly inside. When they are used, you throw them away and they are not reusable. Some women don’t like the idea of wearing something internally, some find it painful, or falls out, and for some it just doesn’t feel comfortable. Because they are worn inside, they can be used for swimming. It is harder to know when a tampon is full compared to a pad or menstrual underwear. They do take up a lot of space when travelling because sometimes if you carry them outside their box, the applicators can get pushed in by accident and ruin your tampons. You can carefully stack them in a little purse safely though. They take up less room than a pad in your purse. In western countries they are usually a reasonable price, reasonable to find, and easier to change in public bathrooms than some of the other options. They have various absorption ranges for heavier or lighter flow like all the other options. You have to select one that’s the right flow for two reasons. One is that removing a dry tampon is painful. The second is that having the wrong absorbency contributes to toxic shock syndrome. Toxic Shock syndrome is always a risk with tampons. This is why they can be worn for a maximum of 8 hrs, and then they really need to be changed. It is rare but you can get very sick from Toxic Shock and its important to read the little instructions with tampons carefully for that reason. Companies that sell tampons include Kotex, Tampax, Playtex, OB, Lola, and Cora.

One of the things I learned when I went to India was that 1) there wasn’t toilet paper. For us in western countries toilet paper is a huge part of managing your period. A lot of the toilets are in the ground so they use water to just clean up and there’s no towels. I’m sure the local ladies have learned how to manage. 2) there wasn’t always a garbage can in the bathroom. This was super frustrating when trying to figure out where to dispose of your menstrual products. I think a lot of these bathrooms didn’t have women in mind, but also that women cannot often afford menstrual products so it probably wasn’t even an occurrence for them to have a garbage for that reason. Certainly disposable products do create a lot of waste. 3) you can’t really get tampons there. I think it’s not really culturally accepted to be putting something inside and basically just not sold for whatever reason. In our previous post we even talked about how women are embarrassed to buy menstrual products from store owners who are usually male. What I realized when I got there was that with the lack of garbages, and toilet paper, and generally just unsanitary conditions, it is a lot more risky to be using tampons with the risk of bacteria being introduced. I really empathized for the women in other countries, because their access to these products really might not be the same depending on where they live. A lot of menstrual companies do donate reusable products to other countries for this reason. If you do travel, plan accordingly. 

Traditional Pads  

This is an option that everyone knows- the plastic pads that have a sticker side and get stuck onto underwear. They absorb and get thrown away in the garbage. They come in different absorption ranges, for heavier or lighter flow. Sometimes the material is slightly different depending on the company. Some pads have “wings” which means they have sides that stick around the underwear so it can be seen on the outside on the bottom of the underwear, but it helps them to stick better and make sure blood doesn’t leak around the pad. Because they are absorptive, they cannot be used for swimming. The are usually changed pretty frequently- every 4-6 hrs or so. Some women have to change them a lot more often if they have heavy flow, and some less often. Some women find them uncomfortable and some even have a reaction to the material. Sometimes the stickiness doesn’t work so well and they can move around. They tend to be less absorptive generally than the reusable options. Pads are usually white so you can see the blood that’s been absorbed. One of the things that is annoying about travelling with pads is that they take up a lot of space in your luggage (and in your purse). One of the advantages for western countries is that they are usually cheap, easy to buy/find, and easier to change in public bathrooms than some of the options above. The unfortunate thing is the wrapper usually does make a lot of noise and you have to make sure there’s a garbage around. Companies that sell pads for example are Always, which is a very popular brand.

Pantyliners 

This is like a pad but smaller and lighter and usually used in anticipation that you are going to get your period soon just in case, or on lighter days. They are also thrown away after use.  

Menstrual Cups and Discs

These are worn internally just like tampons. The difference is that they are reusable and can be worn for up to 12 hours, and they hold the blood rather than absorb the blood. The risk of toxic shock syndrome still exists but is thought to be less than tampons. They do need to be sterilized when you first get it, and at points after that, by boiling them in water. They can be worn while swimming. They come in different sizes, usually based on your age and whether you have had children. They hold a lot more blood than any of the above options, usually 20-30 mL at a time. Some people who find tampons don’t work still can use cups. Because they are worn internally some people might not be comfortable with the idea of putting them in. You really need to know your body and your anatomy to be able to wear a cup- both insert and remove and empty it. You have to be ok with looking at and dealing with the blood as well. Cups are increasing in popularity for their advantages. They are eco-friendly and can last for years which saves money in the long run. They are costly upfront. Unlike pads and tampons they don’t take up a whole lot of room for travelling. When choosing a cup, a lot of things come into play like cervical height, flow, whether you play sports, have had kids before, have bladder problems, softness/firmness, etc. The website putacupinit is really useful for information and comparisons, as well as reviews and suggestions on selection. Menstrual discs are flat and circular and not shaped like other cups. They also sit differently in the body. Cups can be challenging to change in a public bathroom but since they hold more it is less likely you will change them in public. There are over 100 cups on the market. Examples of companies that sell them are Lunette, Diva, Si-bell, Meluna, Dot, Lena, Lilycup, Saalt, Ruby, etc. There are a lot of cheap knockoffs that may not be safe to use. Be careful and try to order from legitimate companies directly and to make sure it is medical grade silicone or TPE. Examples of disks includes Nixit and Ziggy. 

None of these menstrual products are methods of contraception. One thing to note is that some methods of hormonal contraception can lighten people’s periods, make them less heavy or make them disappear entirely so that can be another way for people to deal with menstruation depending on their beliefs around menstruation, and contraception. 

In summary, I think it's great to try different options if they are available to you, and if you feel they will be comfortable and a good fit. The key thing is for women to feel comfortable and confident during their periods and for us to support them in their choices. 

Reference 

https://www.nytimes.com/wirecutter/reviews/thinx-period-panties/