Izzat (Family Honour)

I think this is a really important topic to discuss in our community. As a Canadian-born Sikh I was interested in being able to understand the origins of the concept of izzat and how it continues to affect us today. I've been working on this post for a while now and my heart goes out to all those women who have died due to honour-based violence. 

Most of us are aware of the pull between Punjabi values, Sikh values, and western values as we try to make sense of conflicting beliefs. I remember sitting in a group of my peers and trying to explain that even though it’s against Sikh values to drink alcohol, you can’t assume your patient doesn’t drink because of the differences between cultural values and religious values. The book Emotions and Religious Dynamics describes this triangle of conflicting values very well, and goes on to describe Izzat as coming from the “Punjabi culture” part of that triangle (1).

In terms of Sikh religion, “A brief guide to Honor Based Violence” by the Metropolitan Police Sikh Association did a really excellent job of describing the religious context. I’ll quickly summarize what they have written. Guru Nanak Dev Ji lived at a time when women were considered inferior, however he made a huge cultural shift by encouraging equality via ending discriminatory cultural practices like sati, dowries, female infanticide, etc (2). As described by Sikhpolice.org, Guru Nanak “redefined honour as self-appraisal in the eyes of Divine-Nature. Guru Nanak advocated that it was immortal to enslave or force individuals to act against their will, and that individuals should be empowered with ethical teachings helping them to police their own behavior (as opposed to allowing themselves to be policed by others, such as family or the community, whose subjective laws go against what is natural)”(3). Therefore, the concept of using honor to discriminate against and commit violence against women is entirely against Sikhi and falls into the realm of Punjabi culture.

This brings us to the topic of honour killings. Honour killing is defined as “the premeditated murder of a relative (usually a young woman) who has allegedly impugned the honor of her family”(4). Since I’d only ever heard about this happening in Sikh and Muslim families, I was really surprised to learn that honor killing happens in families of various cultures and religions (5). Honour killings have happened in Latin America, Europe, the Middle East, and South Asia (5), dating back to the times of ancient Rome (6). The concept of honor killings is based on patriarchy (5). “The power dynamics of patriarchy reduce women to their reproductive potential, and in the process deny them agency as human beings. The preservation of a woman's chastity and fidelity, through segregation and control, becomes the responsibility of the men to whom she ‘belongs.’ The concept of women as property and honour remains deeply entrenched in the socio-cultural fabric of many countries. As a result, many individuals, including women, support this ritual” (5). Common reasons for honor killings therefore include: premarital sex, rape, adultery, inappropriate dress, etc (7). The book Emotions and Religious Dynamics states that for the Punjabi culture “Crucial to the maintenance of izzat is the conduct, actual and perceived, of women, and of unmarried daughters in particular. For women the correlates of izzat are the expectation of modesty, the fear of disgrace or shame (beizzati)… and the necessary suppression of romantic love, especially when aroused by a member of a lower caste” (1). In the context of Sikhi many would use lust as a reason for honor killing, but as stated by Sikh Polis “the Sikh view is to manage lust through a loving partnership and spiritual connection with divine power, whilst shunning the company of those who subscribe to the honour-mindset” (3). No where did the Gurus ever teach us to be killing our daughters and daughter-in-laws in the name of honour- it was clear that our sword is to be used as a last resort in defense only defense only (8).

I want to extend this idea of izzat now to sexual reputation and how it affects females in Sikhi. From everything above, it’s obvious that the control of a woman’s sexuality in Punjabi culture happens through the concept of izzat. Sexual experiences- consensual or not, create a bad reputation for her. This creates an environment in which, if a woman is raped, she is deemed damaged/devalued, and becomes ostracized from her community in the time that she needs the most support. Males have the power to use her reputation against her in cases of sexual assault, abuse, or harassment, which is used to keep the victim from speaking out. It’s not a question of being believed anymore, even if she was believed to be a victim of sexual violence rather than an active participant in a consensual sexual encounter, she carries the same shame and dishonor. In researching about this topic, I spoke to a sexual assault counselor about these crimes. She told me that it is well-known to men in the community at large (not just the Sikh community) that Sikh women will not speak out due to issues of family honor and therefore are more vulnerable as targets for sexual offenders. It pained me to hear this reality- that we have propagated a cultural environment that causes our girls to be targeted, and that they are suffering in silence. We have smothered their power to speak out by making it about honor, when they are the innocent victims of a crime.

I think it’s really important for each of us to not only educate ourselves, but also teach our children the human rights and ethics that our Gurus have taught us, and end the cultural practices that go against them. As a community we need to make it unacceptable to be discriminating against women and rather treat women as free individuals who have the power to make their own decisions. Let’s give our Kaurs a voice.

REFERENCE

1 Warne, Nathaniel. Emotions And Religious Dynamics. E-book.  https://books.google.ca/books?id=o_soDAAAQBAJ&pg=PT54&lpg=PT54&dq=sikh+family+izzat&source=bl&ots=ZNew-qPZrk&sig=yF5AQ4-eaTk9z7Wg4qCBvTrAJzE&hl=en&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwiBx4jT55zNAhVhHGMKHXtlBZAQ6AEITjAK#v=onepage&q=sikh%20family%20izzat&f=false 

2 http://ksghauser.harvard.edu/index.php/content/download/70240/1253770/version/1/file/Honour_Violence_Booklet.pdf   CHECK THIS OUT IF YOU HAVE TIME!

3  http://www.sikhpolice.org/honour-based-violence

4  http://www.meforum.org/3287/hindu-muslim-honor-killings 

5  http://www.justice.gc.ca/eng/rp-pr/cj-jp/fv-vf/hk-ch/p5.html

6  http://www.justice.gc.ca/eng/rp-pr/cj-jp/fv-vf/hk-ch/hk_eng.pdf

7  https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Honor_killing

8 http://www.sikhmissionarysociety.org/sms/smsarticles/advisorypanel/gurmukhsinghsewauk/sikhismandhonourkilling.html

Spiritual Experiences At the Gurdwara

I stand with my hands joined, eyes closed, body completely relaxed. Do my ardaas. And I bow before the Guru. As my head touches the ground, its like a weight has been lifted off me, and I have been blessed. It is a great blessing to be able to attend the Gurdwara each Sunday. In fact, when I have the time I go many times a week to matha tek. And it gives me a sense of peace, connection, it grounds me, reminds me of who I am, and the journey of my soul.

When I sit down, I actively try to push aside everything else and just listen. Absorb. Learn. I cannot describe the blissful state of my mind when someone is playing kirtan and the singing of their voice vibrates through every cell of my body, healing. Reminding it of its natural state. That is what kirtan is to me. The ultimate peace. The ultimate relaxation. In my own home, I place the shabad in front of me on the vaja, fingers on the keys, and my eyes close. I transport to the deepest part of myself, my inner being, and I sing. Directly to God. I heal the pains that chain my soul. Sometimes I sing with a smile, sometimes I sing with tears flowing down my face, choking on my words as I am moved by the depth of emotions conveyed by the gurbani. I become fulfilled, I become whole again. Whether listening or singing, it’s in those moments I don’t fear, I don’t worry, the past and future become irrelevant, and only the single breath right now exists. The gurdwara transports me back to the protection of my mother’s womb, the ultimate safety in which I no longer have to think about anything but Waheguru.

A couple of years ago I moved away to Vancouver for school, and it was the first time I had been away from my family. A few weeks in I decided to go to the gurdwara one Sunday. I started to walk to matha tek and do my ardaas. Emotions overcame me. It wasn’t really the fact that I missed my family though. It was that for the first time since I moved, I was home. I was finally home! I started to choke up so that by the time I put the parshad in my mouth I could barely swallow and tears were running down my face. Wherever I go, whenever I travel, my family has always found time to go to one, two, sometimes multiple Gurdwaras! Each time, I am home. I am safe. I am protected. I have everything I need. Education, shelter, food, safety, and sangat. The Gurdwara is a place to come to celebrate, and also the place to come when you are sad and feeling broken and lost.

Of course, sometimes when I sit down, I have millions of other things on my mind and I just simply can’t focus. Even then at least, there are a few minutes here and there that I paid attention, that I fed my soul. At least I was at the Gurdwara instead of somewhere else. And sometimes life gets busy and we don’t have the opportunity to go, God is all-knowing and understanding. But I still miss it. 

Bhai Harinder Singh Ji from the UK recently visited PG and I particularly appreciated his message that we need to remind our young people what is good about the Gurdwara, and speak about the benefits/what we learn, so that the young generation also attends. He emphasized that when we only speak about the negativity or gossip, that obviously our children will not want to attend. I really agree with that point. We go to the Gurdwara to gain knowledge from the Guru Granth Sahib Ji. It’s not about the politics, and if we go with that in mind, then that’s what we get. I am really saddened that so much of my generation has given up on going to the Gurdwara. They haven’t been able to make it a spiritual experience. I know that there are probably a lot of factors at play: difficulty understanding what’s going on. For example we tend to assume that just by attending each Sunday since we are little that somehow we will automatically understand the reasoning for everything. I think parents can play a big role here, but people should be asking questions or can read up about stuff too. Language becomes an issue because people are losing their Punjabi so they don’t understand the katha. For kirtan, I have found the Sikhnet gurbani app to be really helpful to read translations of the shabads in English. Sikhnet also has a great app for daily hukamnamas and their translations. But it’s understandable that if you are sitting there totally lost not knowing what’s going on, that you will have trouble connecting. And it’s understandable that maybe you won’t value going to the Gurdwara then. So I think it’s important, then, that we use our time at the Gurdwara valuably to make an effort to grow spiritually, and to encourage our kids and others to do that as well.

Courage

I woke up today beaming with positivity and inspiration and feeling like I really wanted to write!

We tend to equate courage and bravery with battles fought with swords and spears. As a Sikh, the image of Guru Gobind Singh Ji riding on a horse, sword drawn, comes to mind. I think of the brave Sikhs that gave their lives for us, and for freedom of religion. To be willing to risk your life or sacrifice your life is most certainly courageous! But I think the definition of courage can also be expanded into the realm of the mind. 

Brene Brown writes I Thought It Was Just Me: Women Reclaiming Power and Courage in a Culture of Shame, “In one of it’s earliest forms, the word courage meant ‘To speak one’s mind by telling all one’s heart.’ Over time, this definition has changed, and today we typically associate courage with heroic and brave deeds. But in my opinion, this definition fails to recognize the inner strength and level of commitment required for us to actually speak honestly and openly about who we are and about our experiences- good and bad. Speaking from our hearts is what I think of as ‘ordinary courage.’”(1) I agree with this definition. It is courageous to speak out, tell your story, tell the truth. When we speak out, we are taking the risk of being rejected, isolated, shamed, judged, etc. This is especially true for individuals speaking out about topics like mental illness, addictions, sexual assault, domestic violence, etc. that have a lot of stigma around them. Although it’s not physically life or death, acceptance and connection are necessary for humans on a social level, so the risk is a big one. I don’t think forcing anyone to speak out before they are ready is acceptable, but if an individual is willing to share their story, I think we should be ready to recognize the courage it took for them to get there. Speaking out gives an individual a chance for empowerment, but that can be taken away if the person they are sharing with it invalidates their feelings. I’m not just talking about the serious issues I mentioned above, but I think even sometimes our everyday experiences can be painful ones, and being receptive and supportive is important.  

Like most people, I’ve had a lot of hard conversations in my life. Overwhelmingly, I’ve had tons of support, but there have also been some experiences of people saying the wrong thing, being not only supportive but actively harmful and perpetuating negative stereotypes. I learned that even if it’s in your job description, you might not have the empathy skills to be able to listen. Having been on both sides of emotionally charged conversations and having supported others through emotional crises, I wanted to share some of what I have learned.

For the person who wants to share: Emotional processing is difficult for both the person talking and the person listening. Because of this, I think it’s important for the person wanting to share their feelings/experiences to check in and see if the other person is willing to receive the information. It doesn’t end well when the other person is having their own difficulties and is emotionally vulnerable too. Rather than making any assumptions, just ask to make sure they are in a headspace of being able to listen. It might just be a bad day for them and you need to talk another time. Second, I’ve found it useful to take a break once in a while if you are sharing a particularly long story, and write it down, if it’s a particularly emotional one. Just reading out what you write is easier because then you don't have to rely on your brain to remember when you are already nervous. 

For the person listening: This is a lot harder than people think. Sometimes you feel overwhelmed, helpless, or you just don’t know what to say. You need to be understanding of the fact that its really hard for people to share their feelings (this is especially true for men, who have been taught in our culture that it’s not okay to share their feelings). In your position its important to reserve judgment, and keep from advising the other person, but instead listen to try to understand from that person’s point of view. Brene Brown writes “Teresa Wiseman, a nursing scholar in England, identifies four defining attributes of empathy. They are: (1) to be able to see the world as others see it; (2) to be nonjudgmental; (3) to understand another person’s feelings; and (4) to communicate your understanding of that person’s feelings.” (1) These are all essential when you are listening to someone share their story. People really want to be reminded that they have a right to how they feel, and it’s okay that they feel that right now. I read about some common ways people invalidate and I think they are worth mentioning: blaming, minimizing, trying to avoid feelings that you aren’t comfortable hearing about, and wanting to fix other people’s feelings (2). Lastly, you have a right to your own reaction, but it’s important not to take away from the other person’s need to express their feelings by throwing in your own. For example, sometimes people misdirect their anger, which is actually at the situation, to the person telling the story. Also, I think being on this end of the conversation is emotionally draining and sometimes we need some time for ourselves. It’s important to communicate that you are still there for the person but need some space right now to deal with your own feelings. I personally had this experience a month ago when several friends were going through a tough time at the same time and were leaning on me for support. I quickly realized the importance of taking some time to do some emotional processing of my own. 

A few yrs ago I would have been uncomfortable and mentally run away from a hard conversation someone was trying to have with me. Usually all I could think of were generic messages of support like “I’m so sorry that happened to you," "that must be hard," "let me know if there is anything i can do” And although there's nothing wrong with those per se, it's just that they aren't all that great. I think i simply didn’t have the skills to be able to do much more. Today, I know how much courage it takes to be vulnerable enough to share something, and I’m happy to be the one listening when I can. The best way we can celebrate that courage is to make sure that we can do all we can to support the person telling their story.

Watch this awesome video from Brene Brown on empathy
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Evwgu369Jw

(1) Brown, Brené. I Thought It Was Just Me: Women Reclaiming Power and Courage in a Culture of Shame. New York: Gotham, 2007. E-book.

(2) https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/pieces-mind/201204/understanding-validation-way-communicate-acceptance

Answering Questions, Living Up to Your Identity

Growing up, I always felt a pressure to represent Sikhi well. In my mind, the question would be “ what if this is the only Sikh person that this individual meets/has met, and I don’t answer their questions adequately?”

Being the only Sikh in my class, I would get asked tons of questions. About my beliefs, about my long hair, about my clothes if I was wearing something traditional. For a child, it’s somewhat overwhelming. It points out the fact that you are different. I recall a simple project in elementary school: bring a family photo to class and talk about it, pass it around. Well in our family photo we were all wearing traditional clothes. I got SO MANY questions. Over time, I think I just got used to the fact that I would have to answer the same questions over and over. And have a bunch of random people asking me questions about my hair wherever, whenever- at the mall, airport, etc., at the most inconvenient of times. But those were the simple questions. Those were the easy ones, those were the ones that I was prepared for.

As I have grown up, the questions are harder and more complicated. Rooted in religious and cultural issues. Someone asked me a couple of years ago “If your parents don’t approve of who you want to marry, will they kill you?” with a serious and curious expression on their face. They weren’t joking, they really wanted the answer. I’m sure the shock was probably still evident on my face, despite my efforts to keep my jaw from dropping in horror! In my mind I was thinking: how could you ask that considering I don’t know you that well, you are making some serious judgments about my culture/religion and family; if you knew my parents, you certainly wouldn’t ask that; that is so offensive right now I don’t know how to reply. But somewhere within myself I managed to realize that it was so much better that they he was asking instead of assuming. That he had the courage to put his thoughts to words, and even though it stings, it gives me a chance to correct his assumptions. Wouldn’t it be so much worse if he had just gone on thinking that? Now my answer doesn’t come out angry, defensive, like an attack on the person asking, closing down communication when it’s actually an opportunity for learning. (Of course these questions come at the most inconvenient of times... I had just written one exam and was about to write another!) 

Since then, I have realized that people asking questions has helped me learn. Learn about myself, learn about my religion. Learn about the cultural contexts in which this is all happening. I do my best to share what I learn. I become less concerned about answering perfectly, as if I knew everything, and more interested in answering to the best of my abilities and taking the time to think more about it later, dig deeper. I use it as an opportunity to ask other people questions, and to ask myself more questions. 

Guide to attending the Gurdwara/Sikh Temple

Nishan Sahib image from
http://www.sikhiwiki.org/index.php/Nishan_Sahib 

A Sikh temple is also called a Gurdwara. Here is a guide to attending a Sikh temple. 

There is no smoking, consumption of alcohol or drugs on the temple premises. When you attend the temple you will notice that there is a triangular orange flag outside the temple. This is called the Nishan Sahib. The nishan sahib helps for people from far and wide to be able to find the temple.  It has a khanda (the symbol for our religion) on it. The double edged sword itself in the middle is also called a khanda. And there are two kirpans (swords) on either side and a chakkar or circle.

The double edged sword symbolizes divine knowledge/one God.The two kirpans represent the balance between Piri (spiritual sovereignty. It reminds us of our spiritual role in praying, etc.) and Miri (political sovereignty. It reminds us of our worldly roles in fighting against injustice).The circle inside symbolizes God without beginning or end, and a symbol of oneness of humanity

Khanda, image from
http://www.sikhiwiki.org/index.php/Khanda 

Inside the temple there will be an area to put your shoes. Men’s and women’s sides will be opposite to each other. After you remove your shoes, you should wash your hands and cover your head (no hats please). There are head coverings provided if you don’t already have one. We remove our shoes and cover our heads as a sign of respect. When attending the temple it’s important to wear something comfortable yet modest as you will be sitting on the ground.  

In the front of the main hall you will see the Sri Guru Granth Sahib Ji. These are our holy scriptures. There were 10 Gurus in Sikhism and the 10^th, Guru Gobind Singh Ji, passed on the guruship to the Sri Guru Granth Sahib Ji, therefore we treat our Sri Guru Granth Sahib Ji as our living Guru. It has the writings of the Sikh Gurus, and also many Hindus and Muslims. You will notice the scriptures are covered in a cloth. That is called the Ramala Sahib and is changed every week. When you walk up to the Guru Granth Sahib Ji you can stand and say a prayer and offer some money if you’d like. Then you will bow down to the Sri Guru Granth Sahib Ji. Note we are bowing down to the Divine light and knowledge of the Guru, not the physical book. We do not do idol worship in Sikhism. Just as a king sits on a throne, we have a Manji sahib for the Guru Granth Sahib. The canopy above is called a chanani. You may have observed that there is a person standing behind the Guru Granth Sahib waving a Chaur Sahib. This is used to fan the Guru Granth Sahib out of respect, just as young people used to wave fans for their elders in their homes and people waved them for the emperors.  

Sri Guru Granth Sahib Ji. Image from 

http://www.sikhiwiki.org/index.php/File:Guru%27s_throne_w_captions_v2.jpg 

The men sit on one side of the temple and the women sit on another side. (The explanation I have heard is because of opposite polar energies, and because it helps to keep people focused. But I think it’s probably more cultural than religious, as some Gurdwaras do not follow this.) We sit on the ground for equality. It’s important to remember not to sit with legs extended/feet turned towards the Sri Guru Granth Sahib, or stand with your back turned to the Guru Granth Sahib as this is considered disrespectful. It’s okay to turn around and walk back to your seat, etc. though. 

The service consists of playing music (usually the harmonium, but sometimes other instruments ranging from violin to sitar are used) while singing hymns. You may see men, women or children singing hymns on the stage. Children are usually in Punjabi classes on Sundays however. The Gyani (similar to a priest; he is knowledgeable spiritually and lives at the temple) will explain some of the meanings of the hymns and explain stories from our history. People in the audience will often sing along to the hymns. At around 12 pm (or later if there is a special event) we do a prayer collectively called Anand Sahib and then we stand up for a collective prayer, the Ardas. People stand with their hands folded/joined. In this prayer, we remember the sacrifices made by Sikhs before us, and we thank God for what we have, and specific people can ask to have their prayers read aloud as well.  There are parts in the prayer where we remember God by saying his name aloud, Waheguru. At the end everyone bows down and stands up again. Once the Gyani says “Bole So Nihal” (whoever utters the phrase following shall be fulfilled), everyone replies “Sat Sri Akal” (Eternal is the Lord). And then “Waheguru Ji Ka Khalsa, Waheguru Ji Ki fateh" (Hail the Khalsa that belongs to God, and Hail God to whom belongs the victory).  Then we sit to listen to the hukamnama, the reading of a hymn from the Guru Granth Sahib which is taken as the order of God for the day. Once this is concluded, there are usually announcements and the kara parshad/degh is handed out. This probably best described as “pudding” although it is thicker consistency, and is made of flour, butter, and sugar. It is handed out as a blessing. During the Ardas you may have observed that someone stirred the degh with a small kirpan (sword) signifying it has been blessed by the Guru. Langar is served downstairs once the service is concluded. Langar is a free kitchen. Volunteers from the community prepare the food and share it with the community. Again, everyone sits together on the floor- whether it’s a king or a poor person, for equality.  Everyone is welcome to attend.

Although anyone is welcome at the temple anytime, for those not familiar with the temple it may be best to go on Sundays when there are lots of people around to explain and there is a service. People come and go as they please, but the service on Sundays is usually from about 10-1230 and then langar is served.

References:

http://www.sikhiwiki.org/index.php/Nishan_Sahib

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nishan_Sahib

http://www.sikhiwiki.org/index.php/Khanda

http://www.sikhiwiki.org/index.php/Miri_Piri

http://www.sikhiwiki.org/index.php/Guru_Granth_Sahib

http://www.sikhismguide.org/granth.aspx

https://www.reddit.com/r/Sikh/comments/3s36lx/why_is_it_that_bowing_before_sggs_is_not/

http://fateh.sikhnet.com/sikhnet/youth.nsf/c4c37733ae589b948725657e000dc8f5/de189cbc2646c24d872568ce0062d5e9!OpenDocument

http://www.realsikhism.com/index.php?subaction=showfull&id=1248366694&ucat=7

http://www.sikhmarg.com/english/chapter05.html

http://www.sikhiwiki.org/index.php/Ardas

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bole_So_Nihal

http://www.sikhiwiki.org/index.php/Ardas_English_Translation

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hukamnama

http://www.sikhiwiki.org/index.php/Kara_Parshad

http://www.sikhiwiki.org/index.php/Langar

http://www.sikhiwiki.org/index.php/Chaur_sahib

http://www.realsikhism.com/index.php?subaction=showfull&id=1248366790&ucat=7

http://www.sikh-studies.co.uk/khanda.htm

http://slideplayer.com/slide/9172984/

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Waheguru

http://www.sikhiwiki.org/index.php/File:Guru%27s_throne_w_captions_v2.jpg