Wellness

 

It is vital to learn what keeps us well. As children there’s not a whole lot that is required- the body itself is very resilient to injuries and accidents. We require love, support, and a nurturing learning environment where we can explore the world. Babies spend a lot of their time sleeping and have a close connection to Waheguru as they have not yet learned their complete immersion into maya yet. Compare that to the elderly where a fall from standing can be dangerous, where they require less sleep, the nutrition needed is different, etc. What we need to be well will change over time. Yet it seems a lot of people spend most of their lives not knowing or paying attention to these things. Maybe people take for granted if there’s nothing horribly wrong then it’s fine, and they prefer not to take any preventative steps. Sometimes it’s too late by then. 

Most of us know that food/water, exercise, sleep, rest, sunshine, and breathing keeps our bodies healthy. Each person has a different balance that allows them to function at their absolute best. Maybe certain types of exercise are more appealing to you than others- you prefer being out in nature vs. inside, or you prefer strength vs. flexibility training, short bursts of intense exercise vs. long marathons, sports vs. individual activities. Food is also unique to us, because we have to choose what will keep us the best energetically and the strongest form of ourselves. I’ve found that what keeps me well is being able to cook my own meals- to know what’s going into my food and making sure there’s enough protein. I know it’s a lot of work to meal plan, get the groceries, and do the dishes but the alternative is simply just not a strong, healthy version of me. This again will vary person to person, as I know some people that use a lot of pre-prepared meals/frozen meals, and some that go to the extent of growing their own food. I knew I got serious about it when I bought a kitchen scale and thermometer. Some people might not need as much sleep, some might need specific circumstances to ever be able to comfortably sleep. I think we definitely have to consider our situation- how busy is your job, how time-consuming are these activities, how busy is your home life, how many other people are you responsible for. Someone who is struggling on the poverty line will have a really hard time focusing on higher level wellness tasks. I hope that we don’t leave ourselves behind, because we have to do things that help us keep our bodies at their best. Even for people in professional fields, who wouldn’t struggle financially, there is a workaholic culture that might keep them from spending their free time protecting their wellness. This summer I had no dark circles under my eyes, and a pink color in my cheeks for the first time in years. It was a year’s worth of effort to help myself figure out what keeps me well and make it happen, and then I spent the summer off doing things I enjoy. I knew that after 10 years of student life I would have so much about myself to explore, so much rest needed, so many habits to change. Regular massages helped. Decluttering helped. It was huge progress. For the last month though I started cutting corners and I noticed it almost immediately. We can’t neglect what the body needs and not experience it’s consequences. Remember when it comes to sewa, taking care of this body is a sewa. It is a service of You. I think back to that day I posted about- You are the carrot, You are the one cutting it, You are the one feeding the family. 

 

The soul is actually already one with God. It is not the area that needs work, it is the mind itself so we will skip to that.

The mind is probably the most complicated thing to take care of. It incorporates so many energies- creative, emotional, intellectual, sexual, social, spiritual, etc. We need joy, connection, belonging, and love. We are dealing with memories of the past, thoughts of the present and dreams of the future. It is the mind that creates conflicts, the mind that finds peace. The mind is the one that travelled through 8.4 million lifeforms to finally get mukhti in this lifeform. The entire purpose of our lives revolves around the health of our mind and its journey. In Sikhi we say the mind is made of the man (thought), chit (memory), budh (intellect, reasoning), and ahankar (self-identity). When we live in compassion, contentment, forgiveness, instead of fear, gossip, hatred, anger or ego, then we are walking in the right direction. Then we serve others like Bhai Kanhaiya Ji served others. The mind is at it’s healthiest and best when it completes it’s journey and realizes Waheguru, when it can listen to Naam. This is why simran, paath, kirtan are all ways that keep us well. They remind us of how to get to that path so the mind can be fulfilled, while being creative, expressing emotions, connecting spiritually and socially. Personally when I pluck the strings of my rabab I’m in a different world, it totally vibrates into my inner being. 

 

One of the other things that comes up with the mind is our “basic needs.” There was a great post from “Sikh your Mind” that talked about Maslow’s hierarchy. We talked about how his triangle hierarchy doesn’t match Sikhi in past posts, but it turns out actually his hierarchy was not a triangle where you fulfill one step and then another. It is described here as a sailboat. Check out the picture by Andy Ogden to the right. Dr. Scott Barry Kaufman describes “with holes in your boat you can’t go anywhere. All of your energy and focus is directed toward increasing the stability of the boat. The human needs that comprise the boat are safety, connection, and self-esteem — security needs that, under good conditions, work together toward greater stability…The other needs that comprise the sail — love and purpose — build on the fundamental need to reach higher levels of integration within oneself and to contribute something meaningful to the world. Note that the need for love that is part of growth is different than the need for connection that is part of security. At a higher level of love, we can love people we don’t even feel a great connection to, and can care for those we may have never even met.”  He describes that Maslow’s concept was more of an integration and not about doing one step then another. I really also like how he describes that love is a part of that need for growth, and is about that higher level of self-integration. I feel like that fits in with the idea of our laavan- that we are walking a spiritual path of transcendence with our partner. 

Lastly, I think Covid is a huge factor in wellness, especially given the isolation. We might even not see people at work as we work from home via telephone and video. I personally find even though I go to work and see people, that I miss the touch- hugs, shaking people’s hands, I miss connecting at the Gurdwara and singing shabads with the other girls doing kirtan. We missed the Vaisakhi celebrations and now we will miss the Diwali ones as well. We will not be able to gather for remembering the shaheedis of the Chaar Sahibzaade. It's going to be harder as winter comes because restrictions will get tighter and we won't be able to spend time outside with others in minus 35. The shabad Mitr Pyare Nu really spoke out to me today- Guru Ji expresses his gratitude for God, rather than a sadness for a loss of his family. So during this time, may we remind ourselves that we have our Guru and the Supreme Being who knows all. There is You everywhere, so the feeling of loneliness is probably just a trick of maya to prevent ourselves from the true realization. As we miss our physical sangat- the people we grow with, and learn from, we just have to do our best. This too was written. Do what you can with masking or social distancing or virtually. 

 

What keeps you well? What keeps you healthy during covid?  

 

References  

https://www.facebook.com/sikhyourmind/posts/2714717972144716

https://scottbarrykaufman.com/sailboat-metaphor/?fbclid=IwAR0lB_jL_f2LSGknixKyjP1N46UD6klDdtSKYnEBPHwkO4AwXVBjeR7ufhc

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4KNWhsm5hbs

Getting Help from the Community

I am going to be doing some Punjabi language healthcare projects and will be looking for some help from people. If you are from PG and interested in helping out please email: pgsikhyouth@gmail.com I’ve been patiently containing my excitement because I’ve had to wait a while to get them going again. These will be similar to the diabetes education events, gang violence, CPR training, etc. and the idea is to touch on medical issues but also psychosocial ones too. I already have a list of topics that we have to start with but we can expand. Organization is always super tricky and now we will have to figure out what to do about covid so the more help the better. 

What I've realized in getting to know Punjabi families is that the Punjabi community has a lot of stigma around certain issues, and parents have a hard time around skills to deal with parenting in western society, As we get an influx of young people coming from India to study, they are having to deal with new health and social issues as well. The idea around holding events is to educate, have a discussion, and to normalize some of these topics. Isolation is problematic. I can't tell you how many times I've heard from a Punjabi person they thought they were all alone and couldn't ask anyone about their issue. Often times they will share their problem with immediate family (although sometimes people feel uncomfortable sharing stuff with their partner), and definitely will not be sharing in extended family or friends and others in the community. It’s hard to reach out. People are afraid of being judged, or being set on the wrong track by someone who has an ill wish towards them or their family. Maybe they think other people won't understand. I have noticed people are reluctant to ask for advice on even the most minor issues sometimes like how their kids can apply to college, because they are afraid they will have someone give them the wrong advice, or even the whole concept of “nazaar.” Maybe their experiences in the past has been that they sought help and no one was willing to help them. I’ve seen a lot of families like that. Sometimes people reach out repetitively, don't get help and then stop trying, and then it's really late by the time they get help and they get told they should have tried earlier. It’s vulnerable and difficult to ask for help in the first place, because others are in a position of being able to hurt you. That hurt could be socially by spreading around things about you, which is something people care a lot about in a tightknit small community- status. We shouldn't be gossiping in Sikhi, and ultimately people can say whatever they want. You know where your heart lies, Waheguru is everywhere and other people who know you won't doubt your integrity. That hurt could come in other forms like giving bad advice (like go to a Baba). Unfortunately because of all these reasons, open spaces of dialogue don’t happen and people often struggle alone with their problems. Especially now during covid, when there is no gathering at the Gurdwaras, opportunities for connection for our parents and grandparents generation is more limited.  

A large portion of my job now is around education and teaching, which is something I love, whether its physical/mental health, social problems, stressors, or sensitive/potentially embarrassing topics. I think this aspect of health education is so important because it empowers people to make decisions for themselves and understand what is influencing their health under the surface. If we have social issues in the community that we aren’t addressing, or don’t know how to approach, it’s important for us to break barriers and talk about those. During the times of Guru Hargobind Sahib Ji, the Akal Takht was a place to address worldly needs of the Sikhs. While the problems of then and now seem vastly different, they are actually rooted in the same. when it comes down to spirituality, Gurbani teaches that the root of our suffering is our ego and maya/the 5 (kaam, krodh, lob, moh, hankar). We should be applying our integration of Gurbani into our approach to health, into wellness in our community. Instead of just matha tekking when things are tough, we should be figuring out how to apply Guru Ji’s advice to our present situation. Our being is integrated- body, mind, soul (Waheguru), so we should also integrate our understanding of our wellness. 

One of the things that can be beneficial is spaces of dialogue where we bring up a topic that is hard to talk about and talk about it in a general sense, in the third person. As I mentioned in a previous post, it’s been researched that this method seems to work really well for us. We can gather a group and then normalize the fact that a lot of people are dealing with this same issue, taking away their isolation and some of the stigma. It opens up the chance for people to ask questions in a general sense, without having to say its something they are struggling with directly. It gives them an opportunity to also know where to get help. That’s why I have really found these events to be so valuable when we have done them in the past. They make meaningful differences. 

I think the other piece that is really important to address is that we have to stop pretending everything is perfect. I used to watch the show “Keeping Up Appearances” when I was little. It was about a lady named Hyacinth Bucket and she would introduce herself as “Hyacinth Bouquet”, putting on lavish external shows to pretend that she was rich. That reminds me a lot of our community, and the emphasis on social status. In western culture it is the idea of Keeping Up with the Jones’. I think it presents differently for our community as a visible minority community. I remember reading years ago, that because your actions might affect how the community at large is seen, the pressure of being an ideal/model cultural community comes into play. Let’s say a Sikh person doing something wrong, that will affect everyone in the Sikh community and how we are seen. Unfortunately people won’t see them as an individual, but rather that this represents the Sikh community. We have worked really hard in Canada to be recognized as a community that are hard workers, and loyal and dedicated. That’s who we are naturally, but it took years for people to establish that when they came from India 40-50 yrs ago or prior. Especially in a small town like ours I think that is manifesting as not wanting others to know your business. Maybe your kid is stealing, or spent time in jail, or selling drugs, in a gang, failed out of school- instead of getting help, sometimes the priority seems to be hiding the problem so others don’t know. The bigger worry is the social situation rather than the situation itself. Sometimes we don’t know who to trust, but actually if we were able to talk about it might become obvious we aren’t the only ones struggling with these problems. We just don’t want to expose ourselves. Let’s say I tell you X, Y, Z is going on with me, and I had a really hard time sharing that. It was something that I just don’t tell people because it’s hard for me to share. Then you go and tell others or use it against me and just make it so that I become weary of seeking help or confiding in others. Yet if I was able to talk to you, and you also mentioned you are going through some stuff, there is mutual trust and benefit that we can both share and support each other through our situations. There is a shared vulnerability, even if the situation is completely different. In fact I will probably learn a lot by listening to your situation about how to prevent things in my life or manage things in my life. I think we need to practice that more in our community, to learn to lean on one another. The community is a system, we need to all play our part in making sure that we do really try out best to help those that open up and ask for help. The point of this joon was never to have the perfect everything and then just die. We should stop making it that- stop making it about our image and status and everything else. If we aren’t honest with ourselves especially, we cant get to a space of actually getting advice from Guru Ji, and living in Anand because we are hiding from our own problems. Hiding from each other’s problems, or problems in the community doesn’t work either.

Sikhi is so vast and interesting and we could be applying all these concepts to so many different issues, and learning on so many different levels. I think we are missing out on those deep conversations. We are missing out on true connections where we actually engage in conversations about how to overcome societal problems, and personal problems. As someone used to seeing growth, learning, and positivity out of each situation and using it to deepen my Sikhi, i have been having a hard time accepting Hukam lately. How many times have you woken up joyous to be alive in the morning, appreciative of your breath and then all of a sudden feel like there's something wrong? A minute later you realize, yes in fact, something upsetting did happen. It hits like a shock and it's hard to let it sink in after you had those joyous, exciting, carefree seconds initially. Maybe you had that with covid- walking down the street, enjoying the sun, and then suddenly see someone in a mask and realize there's a pandemic- people are dying. There is a big role for chardi kala, positivity/optimism, but that doesn’t mean hiding or ignoring problems, and covering them up as if everything is fine. This is especially true for ignoring societal and community problems. Address the issue and then keep the spirits up by actually applying skills. That awful feeling tells you there is work to be done on this issue, feelings to be resolved. I understand the need for privacy. We won't be blabbing around town about our whole life, but we also can't be stuck in isolation either. The very characteristic of our Sikh community is that we do help each other, that I can go to any Sikh and expect that they will act in the highest manner of confidentiality, and of helping you get through. I think we need to be responsible and all uphold our part in that. Systems don't fail because of one person. They fail because of a number of mechanisms. We have to ensure that our community also doesn't fail others, or ourselves by isolating ourselves. 

Elders

My grandparents have been married for 70 years. Those were the days couple didn’t know each other, they just got married young and would figure out the rest later. Indeed over that many years you get to intricately know your partner. They have been lucky to grow old together. They have had commitment to each other and even after so many years, they are deeply in love. He is very much still a romantic, doing whatever he can for her including doing paath. Their journeys are so deeply interconnected, spiritually, physically and they make each other strong. 

It’s not the things that we consider here in the western world to be important- anniversaries, selfies, gifts, shows of affection…they simply show up for each other and that’s what matters. I learned from them that our partners don’t have to be perfect. In fact, we aren’t perfect so it’s unrealistic to expect another person to be, but letting go of ego matters. Having determination matters. They’ve been through so much more in their lives than I could imagine. I’m trying to imagine the partition in 47, imagine moving to Canada and living out in the middle of nowhere in winter. Neither of their health is what it used to be but their efforts have been mutual to support each other through their hardships. 

I think as a kid this was all taken for granted, grandparents are grandparents right? I am actually realizing in the modern day how special that is, how important it is to recognize how two people can stick it out for 70 years and still be madly in love. How their spiritual journey has been interconnected. How they are committed to each other in their hardships and even though its hard they are able to make it through. Do we really see and appreciate and take in the older generation? Unfortunately they are often out of view of society, which tends to emphasize youth. The older generation had such an important role in the extended family in Punjab, and an important role in the running of the village as well. There was emphasis on the value for that wisdom. I think we've taken over the western view and lost that. What are we doing to support them through covid times? If you are lucky enough to know elders from your community think about how to support them in small ways. 

Fall

As I watch the yellow and red leaves stir in the wind, I get this stirring in the pit of my stomach. I can feel those leaves, moving, dancing, and finally falling and settling their way to the ground, melting into the soil and rooting themselves as a part of the earth. In that soil, a seed from a fruit allows a new life to begin and start to grow. 

There is a period of time that we spend in our lives getting to know our inner yearnings, figuring out what we need to be well, and live within the fullest forms of ourselves. This comes from figuring out what we need spiritually, mentally, emotionally, physically, to feel rejuvenated, fulfilled, and like your cup is full. I think I finally understand where those words “settling down” come from. There is an inherent desire that arises to want the comfort and routine of connection, belonging, and home. I think this desire also comes from understanding and figuring out all those pieces about oneself and just wanting to share that. In reality settling down is not a comfortable process in itself, because it is a process of change, but it does eventually lead to being settled. 

 

For years during my training, I promised myself that there would be a magical moment the minute I was done- that I would have the fulfilling career I wanted, get married, travel and just fulfill all my dreams and interests. I went on dragging myself along patiently making sacrifices by imagining this future life. Then a couple of years ago I saw my colleagues finishing their training. They weren’t living the magical life because they were so burned out that they no longer remembered who they were. They had skipped investing into themselves spiritually, emotionally, physically, mentally, as part of that sacrifice to get to where they were. Now all they had left was a career they resented, but they kept working ridiculous hours thinking of another future day once they were retired that they would get to know themselves. In fact there was a paper written about this concept- it’s called delayed gratification (see reference below). In that paper they talked about how people commonly couldn’t balance work and home to the point that they decided that they just had to wait until they were retired to truly live their lives. I still know a lot of people that think if they work really hard today, then they can retire early and hopefully do all the things they dreamed of doing. This was really eye opening for me to realize at the time and I vowed that I needed to invest into myself so I started doing things I enjoy like playing my rabab and even things I initially dreaded but later learned to love that fed my body, mind and spirit. Sikhi taught me the importance of the present moment. 

 

There are certain times we do have to make a short term sacrifice for a long term gain. I am incredibly appreciative of the fact that I can now work less hours and still get paid enough to run a household, and spend time with my kids. It is a gift not to have to choose between a family and a job, and to have a job that is not only impactful but also gives me the autonomy to choose how much I work, where and when. At the same time, you can make sacrifices to get a long term gain but make sure that you don’t sacrifice everything. Make sure you teach your kids not to sacrifice everything. If my career had engulfed and encompassed me, I would be devastated that my life is not some magical fairytale right now that I promised myself. I would have become just like all the colleagues I saw, waiting for a day when I was retired to enjoy life. There needs to be balance between sacrificing some stuff in the short run for long term gain, while still enjoying the present and living in it. While I am so disappointed in how anti-climactic it has been to have a first year of practice during a pandemic, and having things not come together how I thought they would, I am thankful for what I have. It’s not like the whole castle crumbled and all I have left is the pillar of my career. So this idea of delayed gratification is so important to explore because it relates to us disrupting the process of settling into our lives. In fact we never really do settle into the present, because we are always living for a future that doesn’t come. 

 

There have been many decisions to make in the last couple of months. I’ve had to decide around my career, health, spirituality, future… all based on a vision of the future. It has been hard to do that blindly, so for two months I just froze and made minimal decisions. Each decision was a branching point, for example I cant commit to working 100 hr work weeks for two years if I’m actually planning on raising a family. I can’t move to the middle of nowhere to work, if I am planning on being closely connected to a Sikh community and going regularly to the Gurdwara. What I realized in that two months is that the process of settling into ourselves, and settling down requires decisions and effort. I can’t hold off making these decisions, but I also can’t make ones that adversely affect my future and compete with my value systems. That whole process that the leaf takes of dancing, is you adjusting is the process of knowing what fills your cup so you can settle down and you can be comfortable. So you can find a balance between doing stuff for the long term benefit and being satisfied day to day. I am looking for my space in the soil. Although the degree of choice you have might be more limited to you in your life depending on your circumstances, try to find that balance of using your autonomy to make life fulfilling each day as well. Remember that some of the Bhagats did their work in such a way that their work- making shoes, dying cloths itself was simran so if you don’t have the autonomy to change your situation you do have the autonomy to change your mindset. 

 

References

http://catalogue.cssslaval.qc.ca/GED_CL/102463592064/Doc_224290_ang.pdf Physician Health- State of Knowledge and Preventive Approach  

But Why?

It is common for us to experience events that make us question our worldview. Our understanding of the world is adapting over time as we experience life. I’ve had many times when I’ve revisited topics on this blog for that very reason, because when we re-explore a topic we deepen our understanding of Sikhi and walk away with a new framework of understanding.  

When challenges occur, they may shake our faith in others, ourselves, or God. Sometimes, people cannot establish a new adaptive framework. Instead of being able to move past it, they start to view the world from a negative standpoint. We have talked about the importance of the “wall of doubt” in our posts in the past; this wall stands in between our minds being able to achieve their life goal of realizing it is one with Waheguru. It is like a small crack in the ice- once there is space for that doubt, it grows more and more if left unchallenged. From that doubt we develop really concrete black and white rules about the world- “don’t trust anyone”, “don’t be vulnerable”, “don’t give second chances”, or even “God has done wrong, God is bad.” I refuse to believe that these are the lessons we should be learning from life. People develop this framework because they are hurt, and there is an underlying fear of opening up themselves up to being hurt again. In her Netflix special, “The Call to Courage”, Brené Brown gives us an example of this. She goes swimming with her husband and while they are in the water, she tells him how much she loves connecting with him. This is not very typical for her and was really hard for her to say, but he doesn’t reciprocate. She tries again, and again he swims away. She is feeling shame, hurt, rejection, but reminds herself that her mind is just telling her a story. In the show she explains “our brain, which is wired to protect us above all else, wants a story.” She finally just expressed to him that the story she was telling herself was that he is rejecting me because of how I look in my swimsuit. He shared that he actually hadn’t heard her in the water because he was fending off a panic attack while swimming from a nightmare that he couldn’t save his kids from drowning. They were able to clear this up once they had a discussion, whereas they otherwise would have just argued and let it come out passive aggressively. She could have told herself the story that he doesn’t love her anymore for her looks, been too afraid to confront him about it because she didn’t want to be hurt again, and then just move on with her life with the negative viewpoint that her husband no longer loves her because she’s older. She was vulnerable in first telling her husband that she loved him, but also equally telling him she was hurt and checking her story, and it was that checking that repaired trust and corrected false assumptions. This is an example of positive adaptation. 

 

I have a loved one that is ill and one of my relatives asked me- “tell me, why is this happening?” I think whenever we face a challenge in life, our most common question is why. We are looking for an explanation for some semblance of control, because if we can find a reason we can protect ourselves from it happening again. Someone might very well give us a reason- the reason for illness, the reason for someone being murdered, or simple things like the reason for being late. The explanation might not be satisfying enough to settle our minds because the event has already occurred and could not be changed. When we don’t have an explanation, or a satisfying one, we make up our own stories. Sometimes our story might involve blaming karma “this happened because of their bad karma”, black magic, pop psychology, bhoot (ghosts), or horoscopes. Ultimately these are all just a creation of maya. The 5 thieves have caught us once again, obsessing over why things are happening. I think the best explanation I ever got about why is from Bhai Satpal Singh from Nanak Naam, and he explained that it just is. Hukam is like a river that flows, it isn’t good and it isn’t bad, it just is. When people speak, or do something they are compelled to do so. It is up to us to use the chance we get by the grace of God, to recognize the maya, and break out of this cycle. The understanding of why also influences how we adapt to situations and whether we develop those negative widescale black and white viewpoints. If the Guru Ji’s had wanted us to learn not to trust anyone and to shut ourselves away, they would have written that into our Banis, and we would have become yogis in the mountains. Instead our Guru Ji’s taught us life lessons of being courageous, compassionate, and connected even when it is hard. This is a sign of our faith in God.

Brené’s research shows trust is made up of the components (BRAVING): honouring boundaries, being reliable (do what you said you would), accountable (apologize for mistakes), vault (hold in confidence what I share with you), integrity (practicing values), non-judgement (both come to each other for help), and generosity (I assume the best of your words, intentions or behaviours and will check in with you if something is bothering me). Through John Gottman’s research we know that trust is actually built in small moments. Brené has examples like building trust can be a person asking how a sick relative is, or remembering your parent’s names. These aren’t big things by any means but that is how trust is built. Gottman told a story of how he wanted to read a mystery novel, but saw that his wife is sad; he could have ignored her but he chose to approach her and that built trust. It would have been a betrayal to read his book, but betrayal is not the same as distrust. He explains distrust would have been if he thought he could do so much better than her and he should just leave her for someone else. It is universal to experience betrayal of trust in our lives. If we look at how it played out for Brené’s situation- she experienced the event, her trust in her relationship was shaken, didn’t want to be hurt again but she checked in to see what parts of trust were broken and approached with the story she was telling herself, eliminated her doubt and repaired the relationship. One of the other ways this could have gone would be that she didn’t want to be vulnerable, she could have just stuck to her story. Alternatively she could have approached her husband but still not been convinced of his explanation, or her attempts to repair the situation could have been futile.

ALADDIN: "Do you trust me?"

Brené describes how we can go through the acronym and try to understand which features need to be repaired. Which component of trust? We can also work on our own personal growth by asking ourselves- am I reliable, do I make generous assumptions of others? Since we all experience having trust broken, we know that we all have the experience of breaking someone else’s trust too so these are valuable for us all to work on. Maybe the attempt to repair some broken trust just wasn’t grand enough to fix things. Gottman actually studied this and found the quality of an attempt to repair a relationship doesn’t predict it being repaired- in other words it doesn’t really matter how big the repair action is in comparison to the break in the trust. He says for one person, a husband making a funny face might just patch up a relationship. Think of all the times you were mad and someone cracked a joke and it just changed the feeling of the room, made things light immediately. He described that the more important thing the emotional closeness established prior to the event that needs repair. Were people friends to one another in the past, did they trust initially? That’s where commitment to repair comes in too. I think if we look at Sikh Punjabis especially a lot of this stuff must have been intuitive to the generations before us because the divorce rate in our parent’s generation is so incredibly low. The process of repair after a betrayal and just finding ways to move through disagreements probably just came with knowing that you are with someone and neither of you is leaving (commitment, the opposite of distrust), so you might as well just fix it up as soon as you can. If minds are still stuck, people can work from a Sikhi point of view- doing simran together, sitting aand having faith in the guidance of a Hukamnama, trusting the Oneness that is in everyone.  Trusting another is about making those generous assumptions, of seeing the best, seeing Waheguru in all and being loving but not caught in moh. 

 

In this post we reviewed the topics of trusting people, ourselves, and God, and how challenges can lead us to positive or negative adaptations in our world-view. When we are caught up in our thoughts, fears, and doubts, we have fallen into maya and it is very hard to muster up the courage to get ourself out of the negative viewpoint. Courage is required for emotional battles as much as it is required for the physical ones fought by our ancestors. Let me be clear- it isn’t easy because that is the entire nature of this game of life. So when we say fight these emotional battles with simran, Naam, moving away from thoughts that divide us and into thoughts that unite us, we are really talking about our entire life purpose. The armor that protects us from being hurt in Sikhi comes with Naam, so while we engage and live in the world no matter what we are living in love, Anand, and peace. 

 

References 

John Gottman’s story of reading his mystery novel: How to Build Trust https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rgWnadSi91s&t=9s

Gottman: Repairs https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SqPvgDYmJnY   

Brené’s Anatomy of Trust talk: https://brenebrown.com/videos/anatomy-trust-video/

Picture: http://thetempestgirl.blogspot.com/2010/09/do-you-trust-me-what-we-can-learn-about.html

Bhalo Bhalo Re Kirtaniya

Click the shabad link here Shabad

This shabad is from Raag Ramkali by Guru Arjan Dev Ji. It's translation is below from igurbani. It is to the tune by Dr. Gurnam Singh Ji.  

He sings the song of the One Universal Creator; he sings the tune of the One Lord. He lives in the land of the One Lord, shows the way to the One Lord, and remains attuned to the One Lord. He centers his consciousness on the One Lord, and serves only the One Lord, who is known through the Guru. ||1| Blessed and good is such a kirtanee, who sings such Praises. He sings the Glorious Praises of the Lord. And renounces the entanglements and pursuits of Maya. ||1||Pause|| He makes the five virtues, like contentment, his musical instruments, and plays the seven notes of the love of the Lord. The notes he plays are the renunciation of pride and power; his feet keep the beat on the straight path. He does not enter the cycle of reincarnation ever again; he keeps the One Word of the Shabad tied to the hem of his robe. ||2|| To play like Naarad, is to know that the Lord is ever-present. The tinkling of the ankle bells is the shedding of sorrows and worries. The dramatic gestures of acting are celestial bliss. Such a dancer is not reincarnated again. ||3|| If anyone, out of millions of people, becomes pleasing to his Lord and Master, He sings the Lord's Praises in this way. I have taken the Support of the Saadh Sangat, the Company of the Holy. Says Nanak, the Kirtan of the One Lord's Praises are sung there. 

My favorite part about this shabad is that it is talking about kirtan itself in a different way, a way that we live our lives by. It talks about what the notes and the beat mean. It is a very powerful raag to hear and to sing. 

Chickpea Flour Recipes, Gluten-Free Degh

I had a friend ask me chickpea flour (besan) recipes lately and I decided to make a little guide on all the recipes I have in my recipe book, including Gluten-free Kara Parshad, or Degh. I always have a really hard time describing what "degh" (kara parshad) is. Most people roughly translate it as a pudding, but its not really a liquid so I'm not really sure what it would be called in English. It's semi-solid when warm and solid when cold. Traditionally a combination of wheat, butter and sugar, it can also be made in a gluten-free version with besan for those who cannot tolerate wheat. Please let me know if you have other recipes. I feel like I'm convinced the best gluten-free flour is definitely besan. It is so versatile and it tastes great, plus its full of protein which is something I always struggle to get enough of.

Roti: mix in 1/2 chickpea flour with 1/2 whatever you want- wheat, cassava, or gf multigrain works well.

Aloo tikki: you take potatoes and either boil or bake them until soft. I baked mine and found they turn out better. Whatever kinds of potatoes works. I used red ones this time. Then mash them well. form patties by hand. Separately mix chickpeaa flour with water until you form a liquid mixture, add in however much turmeric, salt and pepper to make it flavorful. Then dunk your potato patties in, or spoon the liquid onto them. Heaat a frying pan to med with oil- enough so the patties are partially immersed but you dont have to totally dunk them or anything. Then flip once brown. Serve with chutney or ketchup.

India Cookies (not a huge fan but mom loves them, they taste like tea biscuits that everyone has at their house in cities that aren't Northern BC): 3/4 c chickpea flour, 3 tbsp ghee, 3 tbsp sugar, and bake for 12 min on 350 F. My massi roughly told us the ingredients but no measurements at all, so we just lucked out that these estimations worked out. If you are looking for more of a Canadian Cookie, you might want to add a lot more sugar.

Besan Parshad: put 2 tbsp of chickpea flour ith 2 tbsp butter and brown on medium, mixing and preventing it from getting burned. separately boil a glaass of water, 2 tbsp of sugar. Then once the chickpea flour browns a bit and starts to emit a smell, you mix in the water and you keep mixing. You have to keep mixing it until it "comes together" and isnt like a pure liquid anymore. Usually takes around 2 minutes.

Degh: same as above but you need to use 1/2 cup water and 1-2 tbsp of sugar. SHUT OFF THE chickpea flour that you browned then slowly add in the water as you stir. If you dont continuously stir it burns. Then it will become the thin version of the pudding, then keep thickening and it will become the thick version of it. Take it out and cool!

Besan Barfi is made very similarly, except I havent gotten mine quite right yet. You have to put it into a container to let it cool and use cardamom powder. Some people use powdered milk to make it thick. I'll post that when I've got it right.

Kadhi: you take 1 big wooden spoonful of canola oil (haha sorry, not the best measure) and put it in BIG saucepan, Turn it off. Add in 1 tbsp of cumin, 1 tsp of garlic and ginger (i just basically take the fresh ones and then food process them to bits), 1 tsp dried fenugreek, however much chopped green pepper you want, tomatoes and onions. I would put probably 1/2 cup of each. It will pop from the oil so i just put the lid on. Leave that while the stovetop is off. Separately in a bowl mix 125 mL of chickpea flour, mix into 3 cups of buttermilk, and 1 cup of water. Whisk. Then add 1 tsp of turmeric, 1 tsp salt, 1/8 tsp of red pepper, 1/8 tsp masala. Add it to the big pot and mix on high, uncovered. Keep mixing it so it doenst burn, every few minutes. When it has boiled after about 5 minutes put it on medium, and cover it with a lid, keeping it slightly open with your wooden spoon. Stir every little while again for 7 minutes. Voila you are done!

Pancake: 1 cup chickpea flour, 1 tsp baking soda, 3 tbsp sugar (i use less), 1/2 c and 2 tbsp milk, mix the dry into the wet and then whisk. Warm a pan on medium. add 1/2 tsp of oil and then spoon on small amounts of batter to make your pancake, cooking 3 min per side. Add fruit and maple syrup on top! (lol I was so disappointed when they had no maple syrup in India for the waffles and I realized this was a Canadian thing). This is probably the best pancake Iv'e ever eaten. This recipe is from https://www.theconsciousplantkitchen.com/chickpea-flour-pancakes/

Socca: I like this recipe. Ideally use a cast iron pan, I use cumin in mine https://simple-veganista.com/socca-farinata/#llc_comments

It essentially tastes like mattar because its just vesan and cumin, but it's made in the oven instead of fried.

Cheela (omlette): 1 cup of chickpea flour, 1/2 cup chopped spinach, 1/2 c chopped carrot, 1/2 c chopped broccoli, 1 inch minced ginger, 1/4 tsp turmeric (or less!), 1/2 tsp cumin, salt to taste, red chilli to taste, 1 c water- add gradually. oil a cast iron pan, pour 1/2 cup of batter. Then add a little bit of oil on top before flipping. This is a variation of an online recipe but I really dont remember where it came from unfortunately. You can add whatever you want to your cheela.

I will try and post a pakora recipe sometime.

Having Stressors Doesn’t Mean You Must Be Stressed

One of the biggest things I’ve realized lately is that life’s events, challenges, and external stimuli never end. That sounds awful doesn’t it? I had someone tell me this a few months ago when I was incredibly ill from an infection and I thought it was really mean to be telling me in my worst times that it’s never going to end. You are drowning and someone is telling you the lifeboat is never coming. BUT what I know now is that there’s a difference here in saying life’s stressors will never end, and you feeling awful will never end.  

I used to think as soon as my training was done, that all external stressors would cease to exist. After all a significant portion of my overall exhaustion was coming from the gruelling hours and nature of my training environment. Now I finally get to set my hours, and decide how and where I want to work, and who I want to work with. It is a significant difference in autonomy. What I didn’t realize is that stressors actually don’t end though. Especially as Punjabis, we are interconnected to our extended families, and that is a gigantic group of people. The interconnectedness makes it so that if something is going on with flana (so-and-so), then I’m involved too because I’m part of the family. It’s not even possible for such a large group of people to not have constant crises. There is mutual support in the big group and dividing of dukh, and that reliance on each other helps us to get through. This connection is engrained into our survival evolutionarily. Yet I think there are bad things about taking on others’ problems and becoming entrenched into them. We should figure out how to support each other as a family and friends without absorbing all the problems into our psyche. 

Stressors are constantly being thrown our way from so many angles of life, but if we engrossed into them, there would be no space for joy. I just had someone say “you’ve had a lot going on this year, you sure deserve a break.” No, I think that narrative to me needs to change. Breaks are nice, but they don’t solve everything because things are constantly happening. I think the part that needs to change is the expectation that that it will go away, and the expectation that you can’t enjoy life while that exists. External stressors are the nature of the world, and if those let up, the 5 (kaam, krodh, lob, moh, hankar) start their own game internally. This is how the game of life was made and was true even for the Guru Jis with constant events happening from Guru Nanak Dev Ji having the rock rolled towards them from the top of the hill at Panja Sahib, to staying in Babar’s jail. The challenges will keep going, but it is the mindset that needs to change, and the story we tell ourselves around these challenges. 

I remember 4-5 years ago watching Sister Shivani from the Brahma Kumaris talk about how the mind should not be constantly under the stress of it’s external situations. Someone’s eating their chips loudly. You shouldn’t be trying to change them or their chips eating, your mind needs to be under control otherwise you have given away all of its power. (I laugh and think of this every time someone is chomping away at their chips). It is our own minds that need to learn to be living in a state of Anand. The hardest things are handled even better when our mind is balanced. Guru Ji tells us to live like a lotus flower for a reason. We cannot and should not be entrenching ourselves into worldly problems whether they are our own or especially not other people’s. I think there is a line to be drawn in playing our part, and doing what we can as our sewa, but we can’t be absorbed into the world’s problems.  

I am still working on this, and but even the realization has helped me to release a lot of what I was holding on and feeling like I was always dealing with something. It was getting overwhelming to keep track of all of the things that were happening all at once that I was having to handle. I think the idea of reminding myself I am the lotus, of reminding myself I don’t have to sink into these problems and hold them on my shoulders, and that Waheguru is everything and I, myself, me, doesn’t exist to do those things, is helping a lot. 

53 Member Family Under One Roof!

This is an excellent video on a 53 member family that lives together in one household. It teaches us about our capacity and ability to be able to get along, to be able to move past little things and let them go, to resolve conflicts, and to live a fulfilled and joyful life in a big family. I think it is really interesting just seeing how interviewing person to person they are genuinely happy in the household and admit there are little kerfuffles like anyone has, but that overall they are able to easily sort them out and move past them. They make over 500 rotis not including those for their own household! They have figured out ways of dividing up the household tasks and allowing space and time for the children to do their studies, and for people to go out and do the types of things they enjoy. It is amazing how we are struggling here in the western world just for couples to get along, or for siblings to get along, when there is just so much capacity for us to be flexible and to live in larger settings. We are evolutionarily adapted for that. There is a great joy in children being able to grow up with so many loving figures around and so many role models. For this family it is working out so well and can be example for all of us.

Here's the link if it doesn't work on the embedded version: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uKypc66ZX6o&t=103s

Roti Mania: A Guide to Gluten Free Rotis

I spent the summer making hundreds of recipes, including 123 DIFFERENT gluten free roti recipes! I wanted to summarize what I learned. 

Where to buy flour 

First things first, you have to know where to find these flours I will mention. Yupik is a Canadian company that sells flours via their website and via amazon. You can buy Bob’s Red Mill Coconut, Rice, Almond, Cassava, Tapioca, Buckwheat, Arrowroot, Flaxseed, Chickpea, Millet (not bajra, Proso millet), potato flour, potato starch ,quinoa, brown rice, white rice, teff, sorghum, sweet rice, amaranth, corn, oat, and quinoa flour. You can purchase Millstream Gluten Free Atta from Saveon foods, and can also purchase their chickpea flour and corn flour. Anthony’s flours include almond flour, coconut, cassava, arrowroot, chickpea and more and can be purchased locally or via amazon. Almond flour and flaxseed can be found at save on or Costco. Those with celiac obviously have to be very careful about not buying contaminated flours, those who aren’t celiac but are looking for benefits of other flours should be fine to buy them if they say may contain wheat. In that case, where you aren't worried about contamination, bulk barn will often have these flours and so will ave maria. 

Why Not a Wheat Roti?

There are lots of people who don’t tolerate wheat rotis very well, those with celiac, and some people who are looking for variety in the nutrients in their rotis or looking for rotis with a low glycemic index. There’s lots of reasons to look beyond a regular wheat roti.

Working With Gluten Free Atta 

Gluten free atta has its own characteristics and is definitely harder to work with than a wheat roti. I find some gluten free attas do have benefit when you sieve them otherwise there are particles that don’t taste good when you eat the roti. When you make a roti you first have to add water to the flour (atta). I found for all gluten free flours its beneficial to work with boiling water. It helps to bring the flour together better. I boil my water in a quick kettle. Then you pour it into the flour, just enough to get it to mix together. If you add too much, add more flour. If you add too little you can always mix in more. Many traditional Punjabi aunties know this as the method to making makki rotis. I initially like to mix it with a spoon because its too hot to touch. Once its cool enough to touch I do it with my hands. I find it helps if you butter up your hands so it doesn’t stick. You can also just use water on your hands. Knead it out. The gluten free dough doesn’t really need that much kneading. When I was reading into it, kneading for a traditional roti has a lot to do with the gluten, as does the “letting it sit” which is also not really required for gluten free dough. If you do wait too long, or let it sit, the dough dries out. You have to cover it up with a wet kitchen towel. The next step is rolling it into little balls. If you find it is crumbling, add more water and keep kneading. If it is too wet, add more atta again. Keep working with it until it is smooth. If it cracks now your roti will definitely crack too. 

Now comes the trickiest part which is rolling out a gluten free roti without having it stick everywhere, and without having it fall apart. Some people use a tortilla press. Some people use sheets of saran wrap, or parchment paper- put a sheet down, the atta, then another sheet, then roll it out over top. Some people cut a ziplock and roll it between. I’ve seen all kinds of things on youtube. My own magic trick is using a SILICONE BAKING MAT. I read about these for rolling out pizza dough and stuff like that and I love mine. Basically you take your roti, and if it is buttered up on the outside you can just roll it out. If your roti is sticky, like most roti flour mixes are, you have to put some flour down on the baking mat (parethan), and you put some on your ball of atta just like for a wheat roti. Then you roll it out! It works great because when its time to take it off, you can either just pick it up, or if your roti is too thin, pick it up with a spatula, or you can just flip the mat a little and pick it up. Its really easy. I haven’t seen this used anywhere for making rotis, but you can wash it and use it over and over and its way better than wasting plastic wraps. Silicone is known to be safe for baking. Some people in India don’t roll out their dough. They use different techniques: patting, hands on a pan and flipping. Here’s some examples: 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qiK5fWS9Wx8

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5l0_y5s-E28

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PUtnKJDcQ8M

The edges of the roti: Depending on the flour you use, some edges are smooth like a wheat roti, some edges are jagged if the flour is thicker. I saw someone online cutting it into a circle using a lid, you can certainly do that if you are really wanting a round roti and you have flour that doesn’t allow that. (For those with celiac you have to be careful to remember to use your own rolling pin, surface, sieve, silicone mat etc.)

Once you put the roti on the tava (cast iron) you should put the side with the most parethan up, and put some water on it with your fingers, once the water evaporates and it starts to bubble, flip the roti. It helps to press it down. I found you can get most rotis that are gluten free to fluff up using this method, but you have to be patient in learning, and if your flours are too “heavy” like too much besan, sorghum, etc. you can get them just being totally flat and not rising. 

Agents to Join Flours

In general baking, cornstarch, tapioca flour/starch, cassava flour, arrowroot flour, potato starch (not flour), sweet rice flour (mochiko in Japan), polenta, sweet potato flour, xanthan gum, guar gum, flaxseed, ground chia seed, psyllium husk, and mashed potatoes, apple sauce, and plain yogurt can be used to bind gluten-free flours. I found that from my experience watching videos and working with the flours you don’t necessarily need that in a gluten-free roti. After all people eat makki rotis without adding that, but it can be beneficial with some flour mixes. I left out xanthan because not all people can digest it well. 

Flours

There are so many gluten free flours I couldn’t possibly have tried all exponential recipes of rotis. I stuck with flours that were easy to find. Gluten-free bajra (pearl millet) is almost impossible to find in Canada. There are some flours I just chose not to use for preference. I think we also need to think about what our bodies will be used and able to digest easily. 

The following are gluten-free flours: Teff, Banana, Soy, Black Bean, White Bean, Fava Bean, Green Pea, Mesquite, Chestnut, Hazelenut, Pistachio, Peanut, Hemp, Tigernut, Finger Millet (Ragi in Hindi), Masa Harina (different than makki), Almond Meal, Almond Flour, Bajra (Pearl Millet), Proso Millet (most of the Canadian Millets), Coconut, Quinoa, Rice flour (Akki Roti in India), Corn (Makki), Sorghum (Jowar), Oat, Amaranth (Rajira), Buckwheat (Kuttu Ki Roti in Gajrat), and Chickpea flour (Besan).  Each of these flours has their own great nutrient profiles. Many of them are whoel grains, some of the mare more starchy, some have more fiber, some more protein. They have their own features in terms of adding different qualities and textures. It took a long time for me to figure out exactly what each added to a mix. 

Roti Trials

As I mentioned, I ran 123 different roti “experiments.” My little sister called it my roti factory. I want to summarize some of what I learned. Tapioca forms like a silly putty texture and doesn’t form into a roti when in a mix. Potato flour makes rotis very mushy. Almond flour and Coconut don’t hold structurally. Buckwheat rotis are traditionally eaten in Gajrat and there are lots of recipes online. Personally I found it had a very strong taste that was not my preference and the same goes for Amaranth. Rice flour makes rotis dry and stretchy, although again in other areas of India they are very popular for rotis. I didn’t like the texture for my rotis. Potato starch and flax didn’t work well as binding agents. 

I created some rules around rotis after observing my 109 “failed” recipes. Don’t worry, I made small versions of only 1 roti each! Almost all of them were edible, but I took them off the list for various reasons: texture (mushy, stiff, soft, stretchy, crumbly), thick/heavy, and taste. In fact, one of the rotis is mentionable for being the absolute worst roti I ever tasted and making me vomit. It was an equal combination of besan, sorghum, corn and cassava. I noticed when working with Besan (Chickpea flour) that it generally only really works on its own and in combination with cassava. It doesn’t work well with oats, or corn, unless it is a small portion (1/7^th or less) of a larger mix, and shouldn’t be mixed with sorghum (jowar) or it has a bad aftertaste to the roti. Hence my bad experience with the besan/sorghum combination above. Quinoa flour needs to be toasted before you work with it. You bake it for 3 hrs at 215 F and have to keep mixing it about every 20 min, sometimes it gets made faster and you have to be careful not to burn it. It takes its strong taste away and leaves a more palatable flour. Some celiacs don’t tolerate oats because the protein in it is a similar structure to gluten. But for people who don’t have to worry about that, oats work with cassava, and sometimes corn. They don’t work with sorghum or besan. Corn flour doesn’t hold together very well and works well with oats, but not besan or sorghum. Cassava is not a whole grain but is stretchy and useful to join the rotis together, similar to sweet rice flour (Mochiko). 

Successful Rotis

Here is my list of rotis that were my favorite and I consider to be the most successful. I have to say there were others in my “semifinal” list, but they weren’t as good as this list so I shortened it to 12 rotis. I was a little disappointed that none of my home mixes were as good as the mix of dhayee with millstream atta, but millstream makes it with bajra and bajra is very difficult to find these days as it is imported from India and covid has reduced supplies. That was definitely my favorite. Here is the list! 

Dhayee mix: Started with a 1:1 ratio of plain yogurt to millstream flour, then I added more flour until it wasn’t too sticky. 

Oats, corn, cassava and quinoa: I added 1:1:1 portions of oats, corn, and cassava, then added a much smaller portion of quinoa. Ex. To make 1 roti you add a tbsp of the first three and 1 tsp of quinoa.

Besan/cassava: equal portions

Millstream multigrain atta: just making a roti out of this atta was pretty good

oats, corn, sweet rice flour: equal portions

Pure Makki roti

Besan/millstream: half and half, sometimes you can put even more of the millstream than the besan. In a wheat roti its usually 50/50 but for gluten free a little less than half of besan works to prevent it from being dry. 

Quinoa Roti: Add a little bit of olive oil or butter

Oat Roti:  add a little bit of oil or butter. 

Cassava/jowar roti: 2/3 portion cassava to 1/3 of the sorghum (jowar) 

Sorghum (jorwar): just pure sorghum. It tends to be a strong and heavy taste, not preferred by all.

Jowar/flax: equal portions. Same as above, some people might not like the taste or texture but good nutrient profile. I got this one online, so it definitely has been tried and tested by others as well. 

Wraps: I found the combination of corn, cassava, and oats in equal portions to be great for making wraps. It was a little too stretchy to be a good roti. 

Besan Cheela: Vegan omlettes (called Besan Ka Cheela in India), is a delicious recipe my aunts like to make and super easy. Basically you take a bunch of vegetables and some chickpea flour and mix it into a batter which you make like a pancake. For the sake of not leaving you with a recipe that has more exact numbers, here's one from online (sorry don’t remember where!) I tested and modified: Grind or finely chop 1/2 cup broccoli, 1/2 c spinach, 1/2 cup carrots, 1 inch minced ginger, 1/2 tsp turmeric (use less. I used this amount and it was too much!), 1/2 tsp whole cumin, salt to taste (I did 1/4 tsp), 1/2 tsp red chili (i dont like too many spices so i did less), 1/2 tsp roasted cumin powder (i skipped this), and the recipe didn't call for it but I added some scallions (1 tablespoon chopped). Then add in 1 cup of chickpea flour (besan), and mix. Slowly add water until it turns into a batter. I didnt measure but they said it ends up being about a cup of water. Then oil a pan, cook with 1/2 cup of batter, and add 1/2 tsp of oil around the outside before flipping (I did lactose free ghee since i'm not vegan). You can change around the veggies and test out which spices you like.

Variations of Rotis 

Once you have basic rotis down, you can start making combinations of parothas- you can add potatos, sweet potatoes, mooli, cauliflower, carrots, ajwain, papaya, dhal, methi/palak parothas! For gluten free rotis instead of stuffing them inside of the flour, or even instead of putting two rotis on top, you might want to consider just mixing it in. I found this worked well for sweet potato. You can also try a sweet roti with gur (jaggery) and sesame seeds. You can try a tandoori roti in the oven as well. 

I hope you enjoy your gluten free rotis and learn from my trial and error for recipes. A big thanks to all those ladies on youtube who also taught me a lot from observing them making their own rotis.