Unfortunately I didn't make it before midnight but Happy New Year! March 14th is the beginning of a New Year and the start of the month of Chet. One of Dr. Kristin Neff's teachings is "May you be safe, may you be healthy, may you be peaceful, may you live with ease." I hope that we are able to find ourselves in a space of self-kindness to wish ourselves and a space of compassion to wish others well in the year to come. It is interesting how different things were a year ago as the farmer protests were happening at that time, we were just starting to roll out vaccines but covid continued on. Now as we start to transition out of masks and restrictions, we are dealing with war in Russia and large-scale mental health problems. I like the saying "if it comes, let it come, if it goes, let it go", Bhai Satpal Singh Ji frequently uses this to describe the state of Hukam. May we all remember our roles in this life and walk closer to our purpose.
Tuesday, March 15, 2022
Thursday, December 23, 2021
Remembering the Sahibzaade
Here are the dates from Sri Guru Granth Sahib Academy for this year:
The Hindu Rajput chiefs were worried that the caste system was destroying their control on the population. They tried to push Guru Gobind Singh Ji out for five years until they finally got the help of Aurangzeb and laid siege on Anandpur fort in May 1705. The Mughal forces led by Wazir Khan numbered over 700 000, plus 150 000 soldiers from the Hill Rajas. The Sikhs had no access to outside food or ammunition. Guru Ji dispatched 5000 Sikhs to For Anandgarh fort, Baba Ajit Singh with 2000 soldiers to Lohgarh, and Baba Jujhar Singh with 2000 at Kesgarh; finally Bhai Hari Singh, Bachittar Singh, and Udhe Singh with an army of 2000 at Fatehghar. Bhai Kanhaiya Ji became a Sikh of Guru Teg Bahadur Ji. During the battle of Anandpur, he was serving water to the soldiers from the enemy side. The Sikhs complained to Guru Ji since they were under siege and supplies were limited. He explained that he only saw God everywhere, and Guru Ji instructed him to also treat the soldiers’ wounds- this was prior to the formation of the Red Cross. Bhai Kanhaiya Ji went on to establish a Dharmsala to provide food, water and shelter, and it was run using the income from his rope-making.
The Sikhs survived off of tree leaves and bark. The Mughals wanted to end this as it was too expensive, they were running out of resources and it was embarrassing that they were outnumbering the Khalsa and still losing. The Hill Rajas and Mughals wrote a letter to Guru Ji swearing on the Quran and the cow that they would not attack. Guru Ji did not trust them and tested his theory by saying they would evacuate their treasures first. They prepared bull-carts of garbage and sent out in the night with 20 Sikhs. The opposing forces attacked immediately, and Guru Ji’s point was proven. 40 individuals wanted to leave, and Guru Ji let them. They signed a piece of paper (Bedawa) that they were no longer Sikhs of the Guru. (These later become the Chali Mukhte).
In December Aurangzeb wrote a royal command sealed on the oath of the Quran, and for Hindus, the Salgram idol and cow. A Muslim and Hindu priest were sent to swear they could evacuate safely. Guru Ji knew that they would be betrayed but the Sikhs were adamant to leave even when Guru Ji said they only needed to wait a few days longer and God would send them help. Thus, they evacuated after 8 months of siege. Guru Ji put Gulab Singh and Syam Singh in charge of the forts. As anticipated, Aurangzeb broke the promise and the Hill Rajas and Mughals attacked. Bibi Dalair Kaur was assigned by Guru Gobind Singh Ji to guard Anandpur Sahib when the Sikhs were evacuating. She fought against the Mughals with 100 other female Sikhs and was martyred. Sahibzada Ajit Singh kept the enemy at bay with the help of Bhai Ude Singh. This was called the battle of Shahi Tibbi and Ude Singh sent Ajit Singh back to his family, and was martyred himself. As it was heavily raining, Guru Ji and the Sikhs got to the flooded Sirsa (pronounced Sar-sa) River. Guru Ji now sent Bhai Jiwan Singh (formerly Bhai Jaita Ji who had taken Guru Teg Bahadur Ji’s head after their martyrdom) with a group of Sikhs to hold off the enemy and he became shaheed. 
As the Sikhs tried to cross the river, the two younger sons and mother of Guru Ji were separated, Mata Jito and Sahib Kaur were separated, many Sikhs drowned, and many writings of Guru Ji were lost. Guru Ji, his older sons, Ajit Singh (18) and Jujhar Singh (14), and other Sikhs reached village Ghanaula. Guru Ji sent Bhai Bachittar Singh (who had fought the elephant in the Battle of Bhagani) with a group of 100 Sikhs to the short route to Rupar, while Guru Ji went via a longer route staying with Pathan Nihang Khan. Bhai Bachittar Singh’s group was largely martyred en route. He was carried to Nihang Khan’s house by Sahibzada Ajit Singh and another Sikh. Guru Ji asked Nihang Khand to look after him and bestowed a sword, dagger and shield as gifts to Nihang Khan. Mughals came to search Nihang Khan’s house but he said his daughter was caring for her sick husband and they left. Bhai Bachittar Singh then left this world. Guru Ji continued to travel until reaching the “Kachi Garhi” (mudfort) at Chamkaur with a group of 40 Sikhs. Very sadly, the original Chamkaur-de-Gari/Kachi Gari was demolished by the SGPC and replaced with a new Gurdwara Sahib. Our original history has been lost just for the sake of modernization. See picture of the original Kachi Gari on the right (https://www.sikhiwiki.org/index.php/Gurdwara_Garhi_Sahib)
Meanwhile, his mother and younger children Zorawar (9 years old) and Fateh Singh (7) went with Gangu, a servant of the Guru for the last 22 years (in some writings it says it was unlikely he was a cook because why would Guru Ji have their own cook, they would eat in the langar). While they were walking a Muslim devotee of Guru Ji, Kuma, invited them to rest at his house for the night and guarded them. His neighbour Lachumani gave food and clothing to them. The next day they took Kuma’s boat across the Satluj and walked to Kheri village at Gangu’s insistence, even though Mata Ji wanted to go to Ropar to meet Guru Ji. Lastly, Mata Sunder Kaur and Sahib Kaur were also separated at the Sirsa River, staying at Ropar then leaving to Delhi with Bhai Mani Singh, Jawahar Singh, and Bhai Dana Ji.
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| Gurdwara Thanda Burj (cold tower where the Sahibzaade slept) |
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| Tree under which Guru Ji wrote the shabad |
Guru Ji walked to Machiwara and slept on the ground in the winter. He composed the shabad Mitr Pyare Nu under a tree at Machiwara forest. "Tell the beloved friend (the Lord) the plight of his disciples. Without You, rich blankets are a disease and the comfort of the house is like living with snakes. Our water pitchers are like stakes of torture and our cups have edges like daggers. Your neglect is like the suffering of animals at the hands of butchers. Our Beloved Lord's straw bed is more pleasing to us than living in costly furnace-like mansions." He rejoined Bhai Maan Singh, Daya Singh and Dharam Singh. Next two brothers, Gulaba and Panjaba, who were masands kept Guru Ji in their orchard. They invited Guru Ji inside at night but when they found out they were in danger for hosting Guru Ji, they signalled that he needed to live. The Sikhs challenged him them but Guru Ji was merciful and left.
In the meantime, Wazir Khan ordered for the Sahibzaade to be presented to the court. They made a small door that was open to force the Sahibzaade to bow down as they entered. Instead they entered feet first and said “Waheguru Ji Ka Khalsa, Waheguru Ji Ki Fateh!” instead of greeting in Salam. Suchanand, a minister in Wazir Khan’s governance, he sent a wedding proposal to of his daughter to Ajit Singh that Guru Ji declined as he was deceitful- this left him vengeful. He and Wazir Khan tried to get them to convert but they refused. At night, Moti Mehra came again with milk to the Thanda Burj, this time giving the guards his wife’s jewellery.
Getting back to Guru Ji, followers of Pir Buddhu Shah, Nabhi Khan and Gani Khan, Muslim horse-dealers, kept Guru Ji in their home for two nights. Guru Ji blessed them with a Hukamnama and they disguised Guru Ji as their prophet. They call him “Uch Da Pir” and as they carried him. The Mughal soldiers stopped them in suspicion and brough Qazi Pir Mohammed to verify this Pir. He was Guru Ji’s teacher when he was a child, and told the soldiers not to stop him. Guru Ji travelled through Alamgir, Raikot, Lamma Jattpura, Mehdiana, Dina, Gurusar, Dhilwan Kalan Sodhian, Kot Kapura, Jaton, Rameyana to “Mukhtsar” (new name).
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| Gurdwara Sri Fatehgarh Sahib (where the Sahibzaade were martyred) |
We remember the sahibzaade because their sacrifice means today’s freedom, and because their courage is our inspiration. Puneet Singh Nanda writes about qualities of the Sahibzaade that we can incorporate into our lives such as standing up against oppression, not giving up your path for worldly pleasures (they didn’t take the worldly goods offered as bribes), having faith, and learning that physical death is not to be feared if we can be jeevan mukht through our mind. 'Thoughtful Kaur' reminds us that an important part of remembering the Chaar Sahibzaade is remembering that as we are all Guru Ji’s children, we all have the potential to gain the amount of strength, courage, and faith that they had. We should be inspired by this story to read stories of our children as Mata Ji read to the Sahibzaade as it gave them strength, as well as to read Gurbani and build internal strength. “Sri Guru Granth Sahib Ji Academy.” Facebook, 2020, www.facebook.com/sggsacademy/ Check this out if you haven't it is a great resource!!
Friday, November 19, 2021
Happy Prakash Divas!
Today we celebrated the Prakash Divas of Guru Nanak Dev Ji! There is an Akhand Paath at the Gurdwara Sahib all weekend.
Guru Ji taught us the key main concepts of Naam Japna, Kirat Karni and Vand Shakna (remembrance of God, earn and honest living, and share what you earn). They communicated in simple language so everyone could understand, not just those who had a formal education which was a contrast to the norms of the time. They also travelled and did keertan to teach people these daily messages. Guru Ji taught a grist marag, that a person can live as a householder and work hard to earn your livings, while having a spiritual life at the same time. This is different than when Jogis at the time used to travel away in the mountains to meditate. Guru Ji wrote Japji Sahib, Asa Di Vaar, Baran Mah, Sidh Gosht, and Dakhni Onkaar, and was loved by both Hindus and Muslims for spreading a universal message.
At age 13, Mehta Kalu sent Guru Ji to graze cattle. One day while Guru Ji was meditating under a tree, the buffalo and cattle started grazing wherever and fed on the neighbour’s fields. The neighbour was angry and woke up Guru Ji. Guru Ji stated that God would bless the fields. The farmer went to get Rai Bular to show him, who sent his men to investigate but when they arrived the fields were all green again! This is the site of present day Gurdwara Kyara Sahib. One day while grazing the cattle and buffalo, Guru Ji again rested under a shady Mall tree and meditated. As the sun moved, it came over Guru Jis face. A cobra arrived and spread its hood over Guru Jis face, shading it from the son. Rai Bular saw this event and came over, then the snake disappeared to its pit. This is the site of present day Gurdwara Mall Ji Sahib and the tree has been preserved. 
When Guru Ji was 18, he was sent by his father to the city to make a profit with 20 rupees (a lot of money back then!). Mehta Kalu thought that maybe his son would be a successful businessman since cattle grazing hadn't worked out. Guru Ji left with Bhai Mardana (some sources say this was Bhai Bala), to Chooharkhaana, which has a large marketplace. As they were walking on the way, there was a village full of diseased and starving individuals. Guru Ji told Bhai Mardana that nothing would be more profitable than feeding and clothing them, and thus this is the true beginnings of langar. (The accounts from story books from when I was little said that it was a group of sadhus that was fed, but rather this version is actually is more consistent with Gurbani and is described by discover sikhism. It is also orally passed down from local Muslims). Bhai Mardana then went to the village and told Mehta Kalu, who was angry and went and found Guru Ji at the site of present day Gurdwara Tambu Sahib. Mehta Kalu slapped Guru Ji but Bebe Nananki intervened. This is the sight of present day Gurdwara Sacha Soudha. 
Guru Ji travelled to Mecca. One well-known Sakhi from Guru Ji’s travels here is that Guru Ji fell asleep with his feet pointed towards Kaaba. A Qazi was enraged, and questioned why he had his feet turned this way. Guru Ji asked him to turn his feet to whichever direction God was not, as the Qazi moved his feet, he saw Kaaba in all directions! The Qazi realized that God was in all directions. This is recorded in Bhai Gurdaa Ji’s Vaaran (Var 1: 32).
Babar’s army invaded Punjab in 1521 when Guru Nanak Dev Ji was in Eminabad (called Saidpur at the time). When the town was captured, Guru Ji was amongst those captured. At that time Guru Ji was staying at present-day Gurdwara Rori Sahib with Bhai Lalo, and lying on a hard surface of pebbles. After Guru Ji was held prisoner by Babar, he was forced to grind corn using a chakki (millsone). Guru Ji’s chakki ran on it’s own while he sang kirtan! The corn was to feed the Mughal troops. They told Babar, who came and asked for forgiveness. Guru Ji challenged Babar’s injust actions and told him that those who are cruel suffer. Babar then released Guru Ji and 11,111 other prisoners. This is the site of present day Gurdwara Chakki Sahib.
Guru Ji stayed at Kartarpur for 18 years as a householder, cultivating the land with his parents, wife, and sons. Kartarpur became the first Sikh center. Guru Ji started langar here using locally grown food served by the sangat. Sarans were built, and Guru Ji sang Gurbani and delivered katha. This was also where Guru Ji appointed Bhai Lehna (Guru Angad Dev Ji) as his successor. Guru Ji merged with God at Kartarpur. After this, Hindus and Muslims argued about what should be done with Guru Ji’s body (cremation or burial). They decided that flowers would be placed on Guru Ji’s body, whoevers were found to be withered the next day would lose but when the sheet was removed, the body was missing and the flowers were all fresh. The communities divided the sheet, and the Muslims buried it while the Hindus cremated it. Thus per Hindu tradition there is a Samadh in the Gurdwara, and a grave as per Muslim tradition. Washing His feet and praising God, he got his Sikhs to drink the ambrosial nectar (of humility).
In this Dark Age, he showed all gods to be just one.
The four feet of Dharma, the four castes were converted into one.
Equality of the King and beggar, he spread the custom of being humble.
Reversed is the game of the beloved; the egotist high heads bowed to the feet.
Baba Nanak rescued this Dark Age; read ‘satnam’ and recited the mantra.
Guru Nanak came to redeem this Dark Age of Kaljug. Bhai Gurdas - Vaar 1 pauri 23
Thursday, November 4, 2021
Happy Bandi Chorr Divas!
Happy Bandi Chorr Divas!! Let's review some of the history of why we celebrate Bandi Chorr Divas.
Chandu Shah was the governor of Lahore and a wealthy banker. His family priest suggested Guru Arjan Dev’s son Hargobind would be a good match for his daughter. Believing in the caste system, and that his family was more upper class than Guru Ji, Chandu Shah refused and made disparaging comments about Guru Arjan Dev Ji. Eventually he changed his mind, but Guru Ji refused knowing that this was a false show. Chandu Shah had shown his real colors earlier from his comments. Chandu Shah went on to inflict torture on Guru Arjan Dev Ji, who was martyred.
Guru Hargobind Ji, our 6th Guru, then built the Sri Akal Takht Sahib and strengthened the army of Sikhs. In 1619, Murtaja Khan, Nawab of Lahore, noticed this, and lied to emperor Jahangir that Guru Ji was going to seek revenge for the torture and execution of his father (Guru Arjan Dev Ji). Wazir Khan was sent to arrest Guru Ji, however he respected Guru Ji and instead he asked Guru Ji to accompany him to Delhi. In Delhi, Jahangir changed his mind upon meeting the Guru and in fact started to like him. Guru Ji saved Jahangir's life from a lion and had no revenge in his mind. When Jahangir fell ill, Chandu Shah wanted to find a way to imprison Guru Hargobind Ji. He told an astrologer to tell Jahangir that a holy man needed to pray for him at the Gwalior Fort (prison) in order for him to get better. Chandu Shah recommended this be Guru Hargobind Ji. Guru Ji prayed in the prison, and worked to have the conditions of the jail improved for the prisoners. Hari Daas, who was in charge of the prison was actually a follower of Guru Ji and foiled Chandu’s plan to poison Guru Ji. Jahangir’s recovered but still Guru Ji was kept prisoner. His followers, led by Baba Buddha Ji, became concerned and visited Guru Ji. Guru Ji told them not to worry. Sufi Saint Mian Mir then convinced Jahangir to release Guru Ji. Guru Ji thought of the other prisoners, Hindu Princes who had only been imprisoned due to political reasons and were suffering. He said he would leave the jail if the other prisoners would be released. Jahangir did not like this idea, but agreed that only those prisoners who could hold the cloak of the Guru could be released. Guru Ji designed a long cloak with 52 tails for each prisoner to hold, and they were all released. Gurdwara Bandi Chorr Sahib has been created at the site of the Gwalior fort. So Bandi Chhor Divas, translated as “prisoner release day” is the day that Guru Hargobind Sahib and the 52 princes were freed from the prison. When Guru Ji safely traveled home to Amritsar, Diwali was being celebrated by the Hindus, so we celebrate Bandi Chhor Divas at Diwali each year.
References
http://www.sikhiwiki.org/index.php/Bandi_Chhorh_Divas
http://www.worldreligionnews.com/religion-news/bandi-chhor-divas-celebrating-the-liberation-of-the-sixth-sikh-guru-guru-hargobind
Monday, September 27, 2021
Love Languages
What I really love about books is that they have the power to impart knowledge that changes our entire way of seeing the world, of living and being. I recently read The 5 Love Languages: The Secret To Love That Lasts by Dr. Gary Chapman and it did just that for me.
A while back I posted some of the most common reasons for marital breakdown from Social Worker Baldev Mutta from the Punjabi Community Health Services. One of the main reasons he had mentioned was communication, and this book entirely focuses on a core aspect of our communication- how we communicate love for one another. In our Punjabi culture especially I think we do not focus on learning and developing communication enough, so I think this topic is very relevant to all of us. As human beings we will have many loving relationships in our lives- from our family and friends, to our partner and children, and these concepts apply to all those relationships. The idea of the book is that everyone has a primary love language- a way that most makes them feel loved. There are five different love languages: receiving gifts, physical touch, words of affirmation, acts of service, and quality time. When we express love in a way that doesn’t fill up the other person’s “emotional tank” or “love tank”, then we might very well be loving them, but they won’t feel loved. Often times we express love in the way we saw our parents express love, or the way we want to receive love and not the way that the other person needs to be loved to feel secure.
In the category of quality time comes activities where you give one another undivided attention, or conversations in which you look one another in the eye with full attention with the intent of understanding the the others’ thoughts, feelings, and desires. Examples are going for a walk, going out to dinner, going on a vacation, etc. Some of the examples from this chapter were a husband who does acts of service all the time, but she keeps complaining that he doesn’t talk. Her primary love language is quality time in the form of conversations. Another example was a man who was working very hard all day, "doing it for the family", but she feels unloved because they never do anything together. This conversation is recorded between him and Dr. Chapman: “'Do you want to be there alone, or do you want to be there with Andrea and the children?' I asked. 'I want her to be with me, Dr. chapman. I want her to enjoy it with me. That’s why it always hurts so much when she criticizes me for spending time on the job. I am doing it for us. I wanted her to be a part of it, but she’s always so negative.' 'Are you beginning to see why she was so negative, Mark?' I asked. 'Her love language is quality time. You have given her so little time that her love tank is empty. She doesn’t feel secure in your love. Therefore she has lashed out at what was taking your time in her mind- your job. She doesn’t really hate your job. She hates the fact that she feels so little love coming from you.'" He mentions especially for people who value quality conversation it is important for them to know what the other person feels: “When a wife says, ‘I wish my husband would talk. I never know what he’s thinking or feeling,’ she is pleading for intimacy. She wants to feel close to her husband, but how can she feel close to someone whom she doesn’t know? In order for her to feel loved, he must learn to reveal himself. If her primary love language is quality time and her dialect is quality conversation, her emotional love tank will never be filled until he tells her his thoughts and feelings.”
In the category of receiving gifts, Chapman talks about how those who feel loved when they receive gifts will feel it for almost any gift- it could be a cup of cha, a flower, something handmade, or something symbolic like wedding rings. He mentioned that for a person to whom receiving gifts is their main love language, one’s physical presence must not be forgotten as a gift, because it is critical to them to have loved ones around during a crisis. In the theme physical touch, comes things like patting someone’s back, holding hands, hugs, massages, running hands through hair, etc. When a relationship is long distance he mentions things like a hand-written letter, photo, or item of one’s loved one as a way of communicating touch. Next are words of affirmation. These are words of appreciation- how they look, for what they do (taking out the garbage), how they behave (you always make me laugh), and encouraging words (you are such a good writer).
In the heading of acts of service, Chapman mentions what we think of daily activities like cooking a meal, picking up a prescription, vacuuming or doing laundry. We have seen many TV shows that mimic scenarios in real life where the wife is complaining that her husband never helps out around the house. In this section Chapman reminds us that even if we aren’t used to expressing our love a certain way, we can learn for the sake of our partner. Furthermore he clarified that acts of service aren’t just any activity- they are the ones meaningful to the other person. He reminds us that love is not a demand but a choice; we choose to do these things for our loved ones even though we might not like them because they make the other person feel secure in their love, it fills up their tank. He gives an example of a wife who asked her husband to do the laundry as part of acts of service. He explained to the husband “the love you feel when your wife expresses love by physical touch is the same love your wife feels when you do the laundry.”
Overall we have to figure out the love languages of other people and make sure we are expressing our love to them in a way that fills up their tank the most. He has examples of people that saved their marriages after 20-30 years of feeling like their relationship was dead! There’s a lot weight from all the hurt but it is still possible as long as we are dedicated to filling the tank of those we love. If we aren’t sure about our love language, he gives some ways of figuring it out in the book- there’s a quiz, he talks about asking yourself some questions about what you request the most and what you desire above all else, or alternatively what hurts you the most. For example he describes that the silent treatment will be hurtful more than anything else to someone whose language is words of affirmation, whereas someone’s partner not spending time with them is most hurtful to someone who values quality time above all else. If we want to discover the language of someone else, think about what they “nag” about the most- this is them asking for what they need the most. (However unfortunately sometimes people don’t know how to ask, so they might be starving for touch or words of affirmation but don't know that's what's going on. This book is great for us to know more about ourselves too and give us the language to know what we need).
I realized a lot about myself while I was reading the book. I realized for example that while receiving gifts has zero importance to filling up my emotional tank, I often give gifts because gift-giving is commonly done in my family. I realized why certain things bother me, what I need for my tank to feel whole. I also recognized that while some things are certainly nice, others are simply necessary to survive. During covid we have all learned what its like to be in a long-distance relationship with almost everyone we know. This is worked ok for certain people’s love languages- they can still have quality conversations on facetime, spend time together in outdoor settings, hear words of affirmation on text, mail gifts, etc. It is much harder to do acts of service for one another virtually, and impossible to touch. Although we all appreciate some touch, it is devastating to a person whose primary love language is physical touch, to not be able to fill their cup for such a prolonged period of time. Thus I think that covid has made a real difference to the amount that our love tanks might be full too, and be deeply affecting our relationships. In the book Dr. Chapman talks again and again about how there is a phase of being “in-love” that is the euphoric experience of wanting to do everything together, longing for them, they seem perfect, you would never do anything to hurt them, etc. and lasts for a maximum of 2 yrs. He then says naturally this phase ends and then people start to get unhappy as their love tanks empty and might then end up looking for someone else to start the cycle again. Perhaps this cycle will be much shorter during covid as people's cups are already running on empty for so many other reasons.
Chapman emphasizes that when we love someone in their primary love language, we are allowing them to feel secure in the relationship, to feel worthy. People often blame one partner or another (some examples were given in a book) for their unhappiness or insecurity when it might very well be that they just aren’t getting what they need in the relationship to feel secure about it. They might be dearly loved but they aren’t feeling loved because the other person isn’t communicating in the language that they need. Some people in the book mentioned how they had changed over time- used to help with a lot of projects but stopped, used to talk daily but stopped talking and somehow we expect that the other person will not be affected by these changes. The very beginning of a relationship sets a precedent for how and why someone falls in love, something about it is filling their emotional tank. Chapman describes, “we feel secure when we are assured that our mate accepts us, wants us, and is committed to our well-being” and “Without love, I may spend a lifetime in search of significance, self-worth and security. When I experience love, it influences all of those needs positively. I am now freed to develop my potential. I am more secure in my self-worth and can now turn my efforts outward instead of being obsessed with my own needs. True love always liberates.” The thing that really stood out to me was all the examples in the book of people willing to try, to learn how to do things they aren’t used to doing or saying, because they wanted their loved ones to have their cup filled. It was their commitment to one another, to not give up.
There are so many relationships we can apply these same principles to, the examples in this version of the book were largely of partners but the other versions apply to parent-child relationships and for single people as well. I think the main takeaways here are all around communication and how crucial it is in how we select the language of love that we communicate to those most important to us. At the same time we need to be introspective in knowing and requesting what we most need as well.
References:
Chapman, Gary. The 5 Love Languages. Moody Publishers. Kindle Edition.
Monday, September 13, 2021
Sikhism and Trauma/PTSD
Sikhi and Trauma and the area of PTSD are areas I am very passionate about exploring as I feel there are so few conversations that expand on this area. As we will discover below, the effects on our population are pervasive.
First let’s just get a brief quick background so we are on the same page. Trauma is an event that overwhelms our capacity to cope. It is “unbearable” and “intolerable”, as Dr. Bessel Van Der Kolk, the psychiatrist who helped to define the area of PTSD, tells us in his book “When the Body Keeps the Score.” Our classical examples are intimate partner violence, shooting, car crash, ICU stay, sexual abuse, physical abuse, psychological abuse, neglect, loss, violence, terrorism, war, natural disasters, etc. It is not the event itself that defines trauma. He tells us “We have learned that trauma is not just an event that took place sometime in the past; it is also the imprint left by that experience on the mind, brain and body.” Over time we have grown to recognize that trauma is also intergenerational from genocide, colonialism, slavery, and war and as the name implies, travels between generations. Trauma has many symptoms such as memory problems, loss of connection and faith, difficulty setting boundaries, emotional dysregulation, fight-flight-freeze reactions, depression, anxiety, nightmares, shame, guilt, self-blame, helplessness and more. We know that trauma also affects a person’s physical health and wellness as well.
Some people who experience trauma go on to get post-traumatic stress disorder. The Center for Addiction and Mental Health defines PTSD as “a natural emotional response to frightening or dangerous experiences that involve actual or threatened serious harm to oneself or others.” It comes with its own set of specific diagnostic criterion, some of which include re-experiencing the event, nightmares, hypervigilance, sleep problems, aggression, avoidance of reminders of the event, isolation, etc. This isn’t the only thing that happens in PTSD, it effects the entire body. In one of our past posts, we talked about how people who are triggered might have difficulty putting their thoughts and feelings into words, a phenomenon proven on MRI scans. For some people, PTSD might not have come from one event, it might have come from multiple traumas over time and is now an emerging term called complex ptsd. More than ever now, we know that PTSD is real and a whole-body phenomenon.
Just like any population, Sikhs also go through traumatic life events. We’ve talked in depth about intimate partner violence, sexual violence in Gurdwaras and self-help exploitation on this blog in the past. Our population has gone through multiple genocides and prolonged persecution from the beginnings of our religion, which has not ended even now. You might have grandparents traumatized from 47 and parents traumatized from 84. In fact there was a study done that showed a “likelihood of a high prevalence of PTSD and MDD [major depressive disorder’ in women within the Widow Colony” (UCSF). You may encounter friends, siblings, cousins, or partners and children who get ptsd in their lifetimes. As we have immigrated around the world we have also faced racism and have lost some of the tools that have traditionally allowed Sikhs to survive in the past. From my observations, the effects of trauma are quite widespread amongst our community, but have gone unrecognized and labelled as other social problems. For example, Uncle X gets irrationally angry and lashes out at his partner and children out of the blue. Nana Ji is emotionally numb and disconnected. Dhadha Ji tells heroic stories of what he has survived but cannot sleep at night. Your husband has an alcohol addiction. Your wife is really emotional on a whim and she doesn’t know why. Aunty is anxious and protective of her children. They say they love you, but they push you away. They’re too clingy. They works all the time and don’t come home. Are you starting to see people you know? SALDEF (Sikh American Legal Defense and Education Fund) recently did an excellent presentation on intergenerational trauma that gathered psychologists and survivors of 1984 to discuss how this effects our Sikhs community. They focused on British colonization, 1984, 9/11, and farmer protests as examples of traumas that continue to affect Sikhs today. One of the speakers cites the original work on intergenerational trauma done on children of holocaust survivors by Yael Danieli. In her work, Danieli identified patterns of adaptation styles that survivors developed like emotionally volatile, emotionally detached/intolerant of weakness, valuing identity/justice while focusing on success at all costs, and distancing from the experience and its effects. I found these themes to be particularly interesting as I saw her research after I came up with examples above from our community, but they align pretty within these categories.
Healing is possible. “A central belief of trauma-informed practice is that people can recover, and the approach is grounded in hope and the honouring of each individual’s resiliency” (Trauma informed practice guide BC). Some of the methods of healing involve doctors and counselling specific to PTSD (EMDR). These have their role and are important. There is also a role for Sikhi itself to help in our healing. We know from our history that shaheeds from our history weren’t just putting on a brave face but were at such a high spiritual avastha that their mind-body connection existed in such a way that they were able to bear great physical tortures while the mind was in its home, thir ghar. Remember we know that trauma is not defined by the event itself as we mentioned earlier. Most of us are still not yet at that spiritual avastha so a lot of our progress can be made from understanding akath katha and why we came here. Gurbani talks about depression and anxiety as coming from maya (thoughts), and that we can use the gurmantar to move out of maya and into sunn. Some of the methodologies we use in Sikhi are the same as used in western science like breathing/meditation and reshaping our thinking patterns (cognitive behavioural therapy) which are similar to simran (sas-sas, sas-gras, and rom-rom). These are known to activate the parasympathetic nervous system and to help a person move out of a fight-flight-freeze survival state. It also connects us with the universal Oneness and that can help people who struggle with a feeling of disconnection, isolation, and self-blame. Gurbani also educates us about Hukam and gives us a framework to reframe our thoughts about the events that happen to us and finding meaning in our lives in the present moment. Another example is that kirtan addresses an ability to express a variety of emotions through raags which can help us to take all of our various types of energy/emotion and put them somewhere. Post-traumatic growth is about returning feelings of gratitude for life, faith, strength, connection, trust, etc. It is about how we relate to ourselves and other people, our spiritual context, how we see the future and how we appreciate life. Especially when we are in supportive sangat it can give people a feeling that they are not alone and it is very important to promoting growth after trauma.
Supporting a loved one with their trauma is most helpful when done on an individual basis by having a conversation about it, but there are some general principles that can be applied. We need to be aware that re-traumatization can occur when people don’t feel like they have a choice, decisions are made without including them, when they don’t feel seen or heard, when their trust is broken, and when they aren’t safe to express their emotions. At the very least we shouldn’t be going around the world re-traumatizing people. Taking a triggered person and telling them to use the part of their brain to rationalize or “control their emotions” simply isn’t possible because that isn’t the part of their brain that is active – their brain has gone into survival mode. The utmost importance is for us to keep our own mind calm in the face of someone who is distressed. It can be helpful for them to do some breathing or simran, and to help guide the person into the present moment (a method called grounding).
As discussed, experiences of trauma are very common amongst Sikhs and the effects of trauma, especially of intergenerational trauma, are underrecognized in our community. What we do know is that if we don’t recognize trauma and its effects within our family systems and our community, we will be unable to implement new coping mechanisms and change. We cannot solve a problem if we are unwilling to recognize and acknowledge it. A trauma doesn’t have to negatively define a person’s life, through the process of post-traumatic growth a person can find deeper meaning and appreciation in their lives. Gurbani teaches us that when we look inside of ourselves, when we deeply search, we will be able to find our path to merge back home.
Disclaimer: This article does not constitute medical advice. If you or a loved one is experiencing symptoms of trauma or ptsd please seek professional or medical care as this article is meant to just thought provoking and a conversation starter. Mental health resources can be found through a doctor, registered psychologist, crisis line (310-6789 in BC), victim support through victimlink 1-800-563-0808, or emergency room in a crisis.
References
Dr Bessel Van Der Kolk, When the Body Keeps the Score
https://anesthesia.ucsf.edu/sites/anesthesia.ucsf.edu/files/wysiwyg/Sabhlok_Pathways_0.pdf
https://www.careinnovations.org/wp-content/uploads/Post-Traumatic-Growth-Inventory.pdf
https://positivepsychology.com/post-traumatic-growth/
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O9Kp51N1tkc SALDEF’s presentation
https://www.apa.org/monitor/2019/02/legacy-trauma
https://www.tabletmag.com/sections/community/articles/a-traumatic-legacy
https://www.tabletmag.com/sections/community/articles/a-traumatic-legacy
https://www.thebigq.org/2019/05/22/qa-how-is-trauma-passed-on-through-generations/
https://bccewh.bc.ca/wp-content/uploads/2012/05/2013_TIP-Guide.pdf