Independence

5 years ago, I clipped my wings and became a caged bird. My big dreams became smaller and smaller, lost to the sangat influencing me. I swallowed my disappointment and convinced myself to sacrifice and compromise as necessary. Initially I gave up what I desired and eventually gave up things I actually needed. I wondered why my paintbrush no longer spoke to me. Why my fingers refused to play shabads. I trusted those in my sangat, those around me, to be there for me like I was there for them, this sacrifice and compromise had to be for something. They encroached more and more on my decisions, so what was the point of dreaming big anymore when I no longer had a choice. Maybe the toxicity surrounding me, made me think that it was no longer possible for me to achieve those things anymore. 

The one thing that grew and grew over the years was my connection to Waheguru, listening to Naam and the never ending stream of guidance. While my dreams shrunk, what grew was my protection from my Guru. I learned to walk this mind’s journey and that this piece is untouchable to anyone. I learned that the freedom that comes from jot parkash, tasting Amrit Ras, Naam, is so individual that no one can get in the way and the more I walked the path, the less influence there would be of maya. This mind travelled 8.4 million lifetimes, we don’t need to be attached to others. I learned that there will be times that no one is there for you. I followed my heart, and God gave me protection and my destiny. I used to think that by toxic people spending time around someone who spoke the language of God, that they would change, that sangat works both ways, and their minds would slowly be influenced. What I learned was that this was not their destiny to fly, and neither was it mine to have to carry them. 

 

What is independence? I think dependence is when you fully rely on life’s scenarios to feel good. In bad times you feel bad. In good times you feel good. You don’t have any ability to weather the storm. I think dependence is when your mind depends on other people to tell you what comes next and you follow, you don’t critically think for yourself, you don’t make your own decisions, you don’t lead and start a new path and a new way. I refuse to be a sheep when we come from a line of lions and lionesses. I trained in a system that trains you to be a robot, to lose your compassion over time and lose your individuality, and eventually just to be stone-hearted to whatever shows up. I spent the last seven years of my life maintaining my integrity, love and compassion through that. No matter what, I wasn’t going to let anyone take away my empathy. My job has taught me that my decisions fall on me, there is no one else to blame and the same is true in life. I left the first job I took after graduation because I wasn’t being respected. I spent two years putting my neck on the line doing the right thing to advocate and fight for what was right, even though it had heavy consequences for me. It was a fight no one else was willing to fight but my moral compass didn’t let me leave it alone. It worked, and it was a big win that taught me that I need to follow that compass no matter what. 

 

Today I am realizing to do the things I need to do, I will have to step up and take more risks and be more vulnerable. It is hard to accomplish anything in life without risk. The lesson I have learned is that we need to be very careful how our sangat can subtly affect us. I didn’t know my wings were clipped. One day a Christian friend said, “you are an angel but your wings have grown too big for this place.” Now I am free of a cage that was not necessary. I am free to dream however big I wish to, without any burden to carry anyone else with me. I am challenged to dream bigger, do better, to stretch my imagination even more and picture a future so big that I can’t fathom. Other people have told me my whole life that my destiny was bigger than I have known. Universally, any spiritual person that has met me has told me to be careful of my sangat, and to continue on this path, something is written that I do not know. I am now growing, regardless of who is around now, what is happening, no matter what I will follow this dream and grow. It cannot be for someone else. It must be the self-expression of the soul finally escaping the barriers that stopped it from growing. The heaviness on my chest of having to live a life according to other people’s rules and stifle my creativity, and give up all my talents and have them just die away, is gone. The only time I went repelling down a cliff, I stood on the edge, my 12 year old self, terrified and refused to go down. The man helping me told me, "don't worry, this is the hardest part, just jump." It is time for me to jump now. I have spent far too long standing at the hardest part wondering if I was capable. The nightmares are gone and life has just started. 

Remember what the women would sing when they were being tortured by Mir Mannu: "Mannu is our sickle, We the fodder for him to mow, The more he cuts, the more we grow."