Prince George Sikh Youth: Healthy Relationships

We’ve done a number of series on healthy relationships including Baldev Mutta’s work on communication, problem-solving, power-control, and unrealistic expectations. We’ve all seen the power and control wheel and we’ve talked a lot about unhealthy relationships. I’ve found two opposite wheels, the “healthy relationships” version of this wheel which includes: supporting each other’s goals in life, respecting your right to your own feelings/opinions/activities, listening non-judgementally, respecting boundaries, being willing to compromise/fairness, mutually sharing and distributing responsibility, independent time to breathe, not expecting each other to solve all problems or give you everything you are going to need, honesty and accepting responsibility for self/accountability.

I was recently listening to Michelle Obama’s Netflix Special, Becoming. The Obamas are one of the most powerful couples in the whole world, and so many of us look up to them and what they stand for. In the documentary, she talks about meeting her husband: “he was different from me, and he challenged me in different ways. I knew he was a tsunami coming after me, and if I didn’t get my act together, I would be swept up. I didn’t want to be just an appendage to his dreams… so that forced me to work and think, and make decisions like leaving law.” She says “if I was going to have an equal voice… I had to get myself up, I had to set myself off to a place where I was confident that I was going to be his equal. The thing that really changed it was the birth of our children.” She continues “something had to give, and it was my aspirations and dreams. I made that concession - not because he said you have to quit your job, but it felt like, I can’t do all of this so I have to tone down my aspirations, I have to dial it back.” I like that she talks about the strength in doing something congruent to her values, and for her that meant giving up law to raise her kids. She talks about supporting each other’s goals, making sure that she didn’t lose herself in the relationship, and compromising not because she was forced to, but because it was mutually decided and it’s something she wanted. Next, she talks about going to marital counselling (such an important thing for her to say to destigmatize counselling!), and she says that it taught her that he was not responsible for making her happy: “My resentment for him was that Barack was prioritizing himself, in a way, it’s like we have babies, he was at the gym, it’s like how you find time to work out? So let me stop being mad at for going to the gym and let me get to the gym.” In this part she really emphasizes the aspects of independent time, and not expecting the other person to give you everything you need, and self-accountability. Part of that is really also not holding onto things that aren’t your responsibility, it is as much the other person being accountable for themselves too, and you not accepting their part.

I think we can apply some of what she says here to all relationships- our friendships, our family, our colleagues, or our partner. We need to be aware of what we bring, from past experiences, what we might be projecting that isn’t applicable here. We have to be aware of not just two people’s dynamics but our own dynamic within the self. We all have our past stories, our whole lives up until now that we have lived, and the imprints of lifetimes of reincarnations that shape our mind’s habits, and we can’t erase those immediately. What we can do is recognize the role it plays in who we are and acknowledge and try to work on it if it is causing problems. Our work on ourselves is something that anyone else can do for you and they aren’t responsible for but we can support each other in. When you care about someone, you will do whatever it takes to make it work, whether that is flexibility and compromise, or giving space and letting go a little, whatever is needed to make sure that they are ok. The bond of caring is based in our universal love for God and allows us to do the hard things. We are all worthy of love and belonging regardless of our pasts and what we have gone through. We are worthy even if we have lots of healing to do, even if we are in the process of doing the work on ourselves. Our hardships shape people to get to where they are today. I think Michelle Obama really emphasized that part of knowing who you are within yourself and finding fulfillment and making sure you feel whole, and she continued to work on that within relationship. Here we see that she isn't simply an appendage to his dreams, she has become her own person and is travelling and telling her story as a real example of a healthy relationship.