Dealing with Death: Part 1

Death and grieving are topics that we generally avoid talking about. I have been slowly working on this post for the last two months in between work. Having been faced directly with death after death, I have started to reflect and explore more around these topics. I don’t think I ever developed a framework to deal with death due to my limited spiritual knowledge in the past, so my goal for this post was to understand death and grieving from a Sikhi perspective. 

Inevitably we will all deal with death and will need to comfort those around us who are dealing with it. Satpal VeerJi from ‘Nanak Naam’ did an impactful episode on the Sikh Channel about grief (link in references below). He explained that our expectations shape our grieving process because in one version we say, “they lived a long life,” in another we say “it wasn’t their time.”  When we say someone died too soon, he explains that we are saying that we were not prepared for their death. Because western culture trains us to avoid the topic of death, teaches us that death is sad, and that death comes with old age, so we have conditioned ourselves to think these things as normal. On the other hand, Gurbani shows us on a daily basis how to mentally prepare for our own death and the death of others by normalizing the topic of death into our daily thinking, then by teaching us how to accept God’s will. Thus, we directly challenge the western culture that avoids the topic of death by facing it head on each day in our 5 Banis. In fact, Kirtan Sohila, which is read at death, is also read by us each night in preparation. It is our resistance to Hukam (God’s will), and our thinking that things shouldn’t have happened as they did that propagates both grief and suffering. He explained that while psychology nowadays teaches the stages of grief as denial, anger, bargaining, depression and then acceptance, Guru Ji teaches us to accept first. He says when we say time is a healer, we are actually saying acceptance is the healer because over time we develop acceptance of what happened. Bhagat Kabeer Ji further elaborates the acceptance of death: “That death which terrifies the entire world- the nature of that death has been revealed to me, through the Word of the Guru's Shabad. Now, how shall I die? My mind has already accepted death. Those who do not know the Lord, die over and over again, and then depart. Pause. Everyone says, ‘I will die, I will die.’ But he alone becomes immortal, who dies with intuitive understanding. Says Kabeer, my mind is filled with bliss; My doubts have been eliminated, and I am in ecstasy” (Ang 327). Thus, preparing ourselves by reading and understanding Gurbani is a healthier way of dealing with death than avoidance and pretending that it won’t happen, but having to deal with it when it inevitably does. Acceptance of Hukam means to accept that the age of the body is not what determines when someone dies, but rather the soul’s journey, and how many breaths they were given in this life. 

Sikhi teaches us that death of the body is merely the merging of the 5 elements of the body back into the 5 elements. The soul continues its journey by either merging back into God or if our accounts are not paid, we continue the cycle of reincarnation. The merging of the elements is described here: “The Wind Merges into the Wind. The light blends into the light. The Dust becomes one with the dust. What support is there for the one who is lamenting? Who has died? O, who has died? O God-realized beings, meet together and consider this. What a wondrous thing has happened! Mortal beings are bound by the bonds of doubt and attachment. When life becomes a dream, the blind man babbles and grieves in vain. Nothing comes, and nothing goes; this play is all set in motion by the Lord, the Sovereign King. I shall not die; I shall live forever and ever. I have become immortal; I am eternal and imperishable” (Ang 885). Guru Ji explains that the body was merely the vessel by which the journey is travelled, and the soul lives on: “The soul does not die, and it cannot be killed; God creates and watches over all. Through the Word of the Shabad, His Will is manifest” (Ang 1026) and “The one who is pervading everywhere does not die. Says Nanak, the Guru has revealed God to me, and now I see that there is no such thing as birth or death” (Ang 152). In Kirtan Sohila, it is explained that the day of death is actually a joyous day as it is the wedding of the soul to God: “The day of my wedding is pre-ordained. Come, gather together and pour the oil over the threshold.My friends, give me your blessings, that I may merge with my Lord and Master. Unto each and every home, into each and every heart, this summons is sent out; the call comes each and every day.Remember in meditation the One who summons us; O Nanak, that day is drawing near!” (Ang 12). Thus, death can be the joyous day that ends the separation from God, when one has spent the effort to travel that journey to being Jeevan mukht during this lifetime. 

The topic of death also brings up the topic of suffering and depression, both of which are addressed by Gurbani. Sometimes people enter into depression when faced with the death of a loved one. An article called “Does the Guru Granth Sahib Describe Depression” as well as “Sikhism, Spirituality and Psychiatry” both describe the concept of suffering. In Sikhi, “dukh” encompasses physical, emotional, spiritual, and mental suffering and thus includes the concept of depression. Well before modern times, it was recognized by Guru Ji that suffering happens even when there is no physical cause like poverty or disease, because the mind is separated from God. Thus, even kings have suffering, and there was no stigmatizing concept that just because someone “has it all” they cannot be depressed or suffering. Also interestingly, the Guru Granth Sahib Ji described symptoms of depression as we define them in medicine today (low mood, loss of interest in usual activity, sleep and appetite disturbance etc). The articles explain that the manmukh is predisposed to depression because they are lost in maya having been separated from God, while the Gurmukh has Naam and lives in a state of Chardi Kala by accepting God’s Will. Guru Ji is described as a “therapist in the life of the dukhi, showing him the way to moksha or relieving him of dukh.” It is Guru Ji who can help us through this depression by helping us become Gurmukh, and thus Gurbani helps us deal with the topics of depression and suffering. 

Although I have experienced death, I have actually never been to a Sikh funeral so I did some reading. The funeral is called Antim Sanskar (final ceremony). Sikh Sewak (Chaplaincy) describes “In Sikhism a funeral ceremony is called ‘Antam Sanskaar,’ or celebration of the completion of life. Rather than lamenting the passing of an individual, Sikhism teaches resignation to the will of the creator, emphasizing that death is a natural process, and an opportunity for reunion of the soul withits maker.” At the Antim Sanskar, Kirtan Sohila is read, Ardas is performed, the body is cremated, and the ashes are immersed in a body of water. Then a paath is held, and the Antim Ardas is performed at the bhog. My parents told me traditionally there used to be a 10 day paath (reading of the entire Guru Granth Sahib Ji), however sometimes if it was an elder it would be a 2 day Akhand Paath and ladoos would be handed out to celebrate the joy that someone had made it to old age. The purpose of this paath was described well by Bhai Jasbir Singh on the Harpreet Show- it is not for the person who has died, but for giving the family solace and understanding. The family themselves should try their best to do the paath themselves so it can be a process of healing, even if it takes a year for them to finish, but if they can’t do it themselves they can sit and understand. I think perhaps we have turned the paath into a ritual these days, but actually it is an important transformative process to heal grief. Similarly, some people ritualistically hold paaths in the memory of their dead relatives every year and make donations, etc. This reminds me of the Sakhi of the Hindus offering water to the sun to reach their ancestors, and Guru Nanak Dev Ji explaining how this is not possible! It does not make sense as the paath that is even held at the death itself is not for the person who died, so why would we hold one each year “for” them. We are judged based on our own actions during this life. Gurbani teaches us to focus on the present instead of what happens after death, because our real heaven can be achieved in this life as Sach Khand exists here, when our minds are awakened through sangat, simran, and the praises of God, while “hell” also exists here as people live in fear, anxiety, and misery. These concepts are quite different than other religions. 

The Punjabi tradition of avsos involves going to that family’s house to give them condolences so they are not alone in their time of grief. In one of the videos I saw, a Gyani Ji said sometimes we make it worse by reinforcing ideas like “they died too soon” rather than supporting the family by encouraging them to connect to God, do Naam Simran, find meaning in Gurbani, and accept God’s will. We should be mindful of this. The Bani Ramkali Sadh (call of death) is read at the funeral for consolation. It was written by Sunder Das, grandson of Guru Amar Das Ji, when it was time for Guru Ji to leave their body and merge with God (link to full Bani is below and starts on Ang 923). This Bani talks about the Guru Ji accepting God’s will that it was his time to merge with God. Guru Ji tells his family that they should not get caught up in rituals or crying, but rather sing the praises of God because the time of everyone is limited: “Finally, the True Guru said, ‘When I am gone, sing Kirtan in Praise of the Lord, in Nirvaanaa.” Thus, death should fuel us towards our purpose in life, and when we go to someone’s house for avsos we should also remind them of this Bani and to go to Guru Ji for finding peace in their journey. 

I have realized that perhaps growing up in western culture has swayed my mind to thinking that the topic of death should be avoided, leaving me unprepared and subconsciously afraid of losing people around me. This is why the concept of death is important for us to discuss and think about in our homes. When we understand the soul journey, it gives us a greater understanding of our purpose and acceptance of God’s will at the time of the death of this body. The daily preparation of death through paath was a new concept for me but made me realize how much stronger it makes us. When we think about the stories that Mata Gujri Ji told the Sahibzaade to keep them strong, they were stories of martyrdom. Maybe we should be telling similar stories to our own children to make them strong, and teach that death can be a celebration when the soul merges back to God and completes its journey. Stay tuned for the second part of this post where I will explore topics more specifically related to how we face death as Sikh healthcare professionals and first responders.

“Like droplets of water in an ocean wave and the ripples of a stream, I am immersed in the divine. Meeting with the supreme soul, my soul shall become unbiased and pure like air. Why should I come into the world again? Coming and going is ordained by divine decree; accordingly I am merged with the divine. When the issue of five elements perishes my wanderings cease. Forsaking various philosophies I see all impartially by meditating on the Name only. Whatever I’m attached to and become involved with influences the deeds I do. When the revered Lord is merciful then I merge with the Guru’s word. While yet living die, and in dying to this life be born anew, never to be born again. Says Kabir, whoever is absorbed in meditation of the name remains lovingly affixed in the Absolute Lord” (Ang 1103).

References: 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nQuVPes46jA** SIKH Channel Nanak Naam Interview (recommended)

http://www.srigranth.org/servlet/gurbani.gurbani?Action=Page&g=1&h=1&r=1&t=1&p=0&k=0&Param=923 Ramkali Sadh Ang 923

Turning to Waheguru Religious and Cultural Coping Mechanisms of Bereaved Sikhs

Ahluwalia, M and Mohabir, R OMEGA Journal of Death and Dying 2017

https://manpreet159.wordpress.com/sikhism/kirtan-sohila-english-translation/

https://simranjsingh.wordpress.com/2015/04/18/sikh-ways-of-grieving/

https://www.allaboutsikhs.com/sikh-ceremonies/funeral-ceremonies-antam-sanskar

http://www.sikhiwiki.org/index.php/Antam_Sanskar

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pnJ7VH1_o5I How do we deal with Death?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v_U7StxjZZ8 Healing Grief Sikhnet 

http://www.sikhanswers.com/worship-ceremonies-institutions/death-ceremony-among-the-sikhs/

http://thefuneralsource.org/trad0206.html

http://www.sikhiwiki.org/index.php/Sikh_Funeral

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3705682/Does Guru Granth Sahib describe depression? 

Kalra G, Bhui K, Bhugra D. Sikhism, spirituality and psychiatry. Asian J Psychiatry. 2012

https://www.sikhnet.com/news/concept-death-gurbani

Sikh Perspectives On Health And Suffering: A Focus On Sikh Theodicy Pashaura Singh

http://www.sikhchaplaincy.org.uk/~sikhchap/images/publications/guidance_note_on_issues_surrounding_death_in_a_sikh_family.pdf Guidance note on issues surrounding death in a Sikh family Sikh Sewak UK Sikh healthcare chaplaincy group

http://www.sikhnet.com/discussion/viewtopic.php?f=2&t=9490

http://www.sikhiwiki.org/index.php/Death

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XBnLQKfoAp0Antim Sanskar Jasbir Singh 

https://www.thoughtco.com/antam-sanskaar-the-sikh-funeral-ceremony-2993465

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8Lq-WwIv4cw Reincarnation Harpreet Show

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=od-l5naIHwY

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zteBgrDYK-g Concept of Life and Death (18 parts)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sdCuwkQ1xac Pain and Sorrow Nanak Naam

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ObjJafH2JtA Basics of Sikhi

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7KVC2Xj5u7c What will happen to me after death

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2p5qvMx53F0 What happens after you die Sikhnet

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sik3dbKADVg&list=PLcfWqGbTrBFop_QPgJ8laS_tl122_uypr&index=7Death and Grief Akaal TV

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=buEy6VVn0-s What to learn from Death? 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YPbczO2tbfs How to deal with Suffering Nanak Naam

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oRnotkGF4vQ  Heaven and Hell Harpreet Show

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YNwY1ch4fNc Nanak Naam What is heaven  

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YCeFUNj6VJA Sin, Guilt, Heaven and Hell Sikhnet 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uGITS7sOuLU&t=0s&index=19&list=WL  Concept of Death Sawan Singh

https://www.reddit.com/r/Sikh/comments/3pv15d/anyone_coped_with_death_of_loved_ones_through/

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AGk_Efr8Wkk Birth, Aging, Sickness and Death

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TF-TT5oF4_E&list=PLcfWqGbTrBFop_QPgJ8laS_tl122_uypr&index=9Why do bad things happen in life? Nanak Naam

http://www.gurmat.info/sms/smssikhism/ceremonies/death/

http://www.sikhfoundation.org/people-events/how-my-life-steered-me-to-the-path-of-medicine/

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kZlie4gP2eM Maran To Bad Insaan Kithe Janda Hai 

Harvard Course about Sri Guru Granth Sahib Ji

I'm hoping to post soon, but in the meantime I thought I would share this great course being offered online. It is free (just have to click audit which means you get the full course but don't need a certificate) and is called "Sikhism Through Its Scriptures." It is being offered by Harvard. Here is the link for the information and then it has the link for the course registration on it as well.

http://www.sikhnet.com/news/harvard-offers-new-course-sikhism-through-its-scriptures

Banda Singh Bahadur

This weekend we remembered the Shaheedi of Banda Singh Bahadur. When we remember the shaheedi we should of course remember his whole life and the impact on us today. Here is the history. 

Banda Singh Bahadur was originally born with the name Lachman Dev on October 16, 1670. He was born into a Rajput family. One day, while hunting he shot a deer and realized afterwards that she had been pregnant. He became very sad and became an ascetic. He was then known as Madho Das. He travelled extensively with Sadhus and settled in a hut near Nanded. In 1708 Guru Gobind Singh Ji was travelling and came upon Madho Das’ hut in his absence. Guru Ji asked the Sikhs to prepare langar as they had been hungry from many days. Madho Das returned to find this and became angry, trying to use his magical powers against Guru Ji. After they did not work, Guru Ji asked who he was, and defeated Madho Das replied “I am your banda.” Banda means slave. He then joined the Khalsa and became Gurbaksh Singh, also known as Banda Singh Bahadur. 

Guru Ji sent him on a special mission. Some people incorrectly call this as a revenge mission but Sikhism is not about revenge (In fact Guru Hargobind Sahib Ji saves Jahangir after he tortures his father Guru Arjan Dev Ji). Rather, he went to end continued persecution. Sawan Singh Gogia explains “The mission of Banda Singh has been generally misunderstood by historians who think that he was commissioned by Guru Gobind Singh to avenge the murder of his sons. Had it been so, his work should have been over after the defeat and death of Wazir Khan. In fact, the Guru entrusted to him the noble task of continuing war against the tyranny of cruel rulers and oppressors” (Sikhnet). Guru Ji gave him political and military powers and gifted 5 gold tipped arrows and drum as symbols of this authority. He was also given Guru Ji’s sword, green bow, and a Nishan Sahib. He was sent with 5 Singhs, Baj Singh, Ram Singh, Binod Singh, Kahan Singh, and Fateh Singh as council. There was another 25 Singhs who also went. A handwritten Hukamnama told the Sikhs to join Banda Singh Bahadur wherever he travelled to. During the year-long journey to Sirhand, where Wazir Khan was living, Guru Ji became Jyoti Jot (merged with the Eternal Light). More Sikhs joined Banda Singh as he travelled and fought oppressors. They conquered a lot of area. Money that was acquired from government treasuries was redistributed to the poor. The old Zamindari system (feudal system) was destroyed so that farmers could own their own land. He appointed his own police officers. Thieves were now scared and order and justice was restored.

 

He then created a headquarters in 1710 at Mukhlispur (changed to Lohgarh), the capital of the first Sikh state. The battle of Chappar Chiri then occurred just outside Sirhand a few months later. While his largely untrained followers had no elephants, few horses, and fought with spears, swords, and arrows, Wazir Khan had a fully trained army with artillery, horses, and elephants. Wazir Khan was killed in that battle, and Sirhand was conquered. Baj Singh was appointed Governor and the other four Singhs in the council that accompanied him were also put in charge of other duties. Bandha Singh went back to Lohgarh. Bandha Singh made an official seal and coin in the name of Guru Nanak Dev Ji and Guru Gobind Singh Ji. His rule was fair and a Muslim reported to Emperor Bahadur Shah that Banda Singh does not oppress muslims- he gives them a daily wage, looks after them, allows them to do their own religious prayers. Since this destroyed the oppressive system set up under the Mughals, the emperor turned against the Sikhs, setting up laws against the Sikhs and orders for the Sikhs to be killed. The large number of Mughal forces pushed the Sikhs back into the hilly areas. Here Banda Singh got married in 1711 to Shushil Kaur and settled for a few years, having a son Ajai Singh in 1712. Bibi Ji continued the langar. In the meantime, Emperor Bahadur Shah died in 1712, proceeded by Jahandar Shah and then Farrukhsiyar in 1713. 

In 1715, Banda Singh tried again to fight against the Mughal forces but Emperor Farrukhsiyar sends 20,000 forces against the Sikhs. Banda Singh’s Hukamnama issued to the Sikhs at the time can be found in the references. It encourages the Sikhs to follow the rules of the Khalsa. A group of Sikhs led by Bandha Singh made their way to a village Gurdas Nangal which was sieged. There was a force of 100,000 Mughal troops and yet the Sikhs survived 8 months of siege living off of tree bark for food. Even Muslim writers who witnessed what happened at the time spoke highly of the courage of the Sikhs in facing these conditions. Bandha Singh's own wife and child were with him through this. At that time, Binod Singh wanted to evacuate, but Bandha Singh did not and so Binod Singh was allowed to leave with a group of Sikhs. The Mughals offered the Sikhs could leave unharmed but once the gate opened, they speared 300 Sikhs, and the only 200 remaining were arrested. Banda Singh was chained and put in an iron cage on top of an elephant, with special guards. On the way to Delhi, more Sikhs were confined and many were martyred. 700 cartloads of slaughtered heads and hundreds on spears were brought to Delhi. Banda Singh was dressed up in a gold turban with a bright shirt, and other Sikhs were chained on the back of camels with faces blackened and sheepskin put on their heads. Despite the attempts at humiliation they remained in Chardi Kala as written by those witnessed this time. There were now 740 prisoners who were confined for just over 3 months from the end of February to the beginning of June of 1716. 

On June 9, the Sikhs were offered their lives to be spared if they converted to Islam. As documented by the English ambassadors of the East India Trading Company, not a single of the 740 Sikhs converted and all chose death. They were martyred and their heads placed around Bandha Singh. The executioner killed his 4 year old Ajai Singh with a knife down his body, and thrust his heart into Banda Singh’s mouth. His eyes were gouged out, hot pincers pulled away his flesh, arms and legs cut off, and the rest of his body cut to pieces. Through the torture until his martyrdom, Bandha Singh Ji remained calm. As Gyani Ji said in katha today, those who have Naam do not feel physical pain.

Meanwhile Bibi Ji was separated from the prisoners as the emperor wanted to marry her. The other queens tried to get her to embrace Islam and attempted to bribe her with jewels and promises of a comfortable life. When that didn’t work, she was told that 100 Sikhs were murdered daily due to her refusal. She stuck to her faith. She stated, “Time of our death is fixed and none but God can prolong our life. My religion is dearer to me then my or my son’s life” (sikhiwiki). 

We have so much to learn from the life of Banda Singh Bahadur. He restored justice and fairness under Sikh rule and did not give in despite being tortured. I hope he inspires each of us to stand up for what is right and just, and to carry the values of the Khalsa.

References

http://www.sikhiwiki.org/index.php/Banda_Singh_Bahadur
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Farrukhsiyar

https://www.sikhnet.com/news/achievements-baba-banda-singh-bahadur

https://www.google.com/search?q=banda+bahadur+coin&client=safari&rls=en&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwjKjaruw__bAhV8ITQIHQFRA5AQ_AUICigB&biw=965&bih=661#imgrc=d_uw-CB7Y3aFDM:

http://www.sikhiwiki.org/index.php/Bibi_Shushil_Kaur 

http://www.sikh-history.com/sikhhist/warriors/banda.html

Respect for Women

I thought of writing this post after I got a disrespectful message from a Punjabi guy on social media (different time from my example in the internet safety post). Of course this has happened countless times, but there was something particularly different about this message that it struck a cord for me and I needed to speak about this topic. I know I am not alone in this as many people have come forward to tell me their similar stories. It can be very hurtful, and as an Aunty Ji mentioned, fearful for younger ladies who don’t know how to respond. Our Punjabi and Bollywood media also incorrectly show that harassing a woman until she gives in to marrying you is love. There is usually also a scene where the hero beats up another so called “evil” guy for bothering his sister, when the hero does the exact same thing to the heroine and its considered fine. This felt like the right time, then, to talk about what respecting women actually means and how we can show it. 

When the Guru Jis saw something wrong happening, they taught people through singing Gurbani. I don’t want to want issues to become a spiral of negativity, where instead of focusing on solutions we focus continually on more examples of the problem. Blame and anger doesn't get us very far- they cut off all future conversations and ability to fix the problem. Passing on education about Sikh teachings gives us a way to move to a solution. As we bring these topics of conversation into our families and relationships, we can change our thoughts and behaviors and focus on prevention of inequality and respect for all. Prevention beforehand is always better than enforcement when its too late.  

In order to understand why what Sikhism introduced is so important, we need to understand what the life of a woman in India was like prior to Guru Nanak Dev Ji. I thought the simplest way for us to see the dramatic difference under Sikhi was making a table. So here is my homemade table, made with the help of the research I did from the references at the bottom. 

Life of women prior to Sikhi	Sikhi
Women are inferior and given status of low caste sudra, husband has rights over woman	Women are equal, have their own rights including property rights. Allowed to keep last name Kaur if she doesn’t want to take man’s last name
Position is in the home only.	Take on political roles, warriors, sewadaars and missionaries
Not allowed to read religious texts or attain spiritual salvation.	Women are allowed to read prayers, be a Granthi, sit in sangat, and do anything a man can spiritually. The gender is just a costume. Women can attain Jeevan mukhti. God is genderless. All humans are mentioned in Gurbani as a “soul bride” to the “husband Lord.”
Not allowed to get an education	Women learn Gurmukhi and get an education
Dowry, sati (burning herself in the fire at husband’s cremation), female infanticide are carried out	All these are removed
Restricted activities due to menstruation, seen as polluted after childbirth	Respect for female body and ability to carry a child. Guru Ji discusses impurity in extent on Ang 472, explaining “If one accepts the concept of impurity, then there is impurity everywhere.” Talking specifically about periods, Guru Ji explains that the impurity of the MIND must be washed with spirituality.
Pardah and separate female living quarters (Muslim women)	Women live with their families. Removing pardah puts onus on men to control their minds, not women’s looks. 5 K’s give dress code to both men and women.
Raped by soldiers when they are captured in battle. Some women are not accepted back into their homes after kidnapping or sexual assault due to stigma.	Sikh soldiers ensured the safe return of the women on the side they were battling against. Many Muslim writers have talked about the respect the Sikhs showed their women. Hindus and Muslims often came to Sikhs to bring back their daughters that had been kidnapped. Women Sikh soldiers also went to rescue other women.
Women are temptation to man and barrier to his spiritual pursuit. Priests, pandits and monks practice celibacy to attain spiritual salvation	Life of a householder (grist marag) is emphasized. Men and women live together to travel their spiritual journey together while still having a sexual relationship, removing the idea that women are evil/sinful and tempting men away from their spiritual path. Bhai Gurdas Ji writes in Vaar 5 Pauri 16, “From a temporal and spiritual point of view, woman is half man’s body and assists to the door of deliverance. She assuredly brings happiness to the virtuous.” ਲੋਕ ਵੇਦ ਗੁਣੁ ਗਿਆਨ ਵਿਚਿ ਅਰਧ ਸਰੀਰੀ ਮੋਖ ਦੁਆਰੀ।  ਗੁਰਮੁਖਿ ਸੁਖ ਫਲ ਨਿਹਚਉ ਨਾਰੀ

From the above table I am so impressed at what Sikhism introduced 500 years ago, long before the feminist movements of the western world in the 1800s. Perhaps over time we have started forgetting some of these Sikhi values and got them confused by the strong influence of both western and Indian culture. In fact, I’m realizing how unfair it is to say that western culture is “forward thinking” or “progressive” and that other countries aren’t. Western society also traditionally had similar values to the ones we see on the left side of the table where woman is inferior, “temptress”, no rights over land or voting, her role is in the kitchen/bedroom only, and not allowed an education; and those effects have not entirely disappeared. We too are influenced by those dual effects from both cultures then. For example, I realized while reading this that the stigma around talking about menstruation is this thing that I have learned while living in western culture. It doesn’t exist in our religion, and the Guru Jis openly talked about it as the menstrual cycle is a key part of how human life is created. The stigma around sexual assault, disrespect for a woman’s body, the idea of men not being able to control themselves, are all different than what our religion teaches. (I talked about these more in the post about three Kaurs). Even the idea of “unholiness” around sex is different as there isn’t the expectation for celibacy but rather a balance in life and in the mind. While our Kaurs were fighting battles as armed soldiers hundreds of years ago, many modern-day policies restricted women from these types of roles. For example, the US Army’s combat exclusion policy which restricted women’s roles in the army was only lifted in 2013 and wasn’t fully implemented until 2016! For Canada it was 2000. 

We can see from our table that we can also learn a lot about respecting women from our teachings. Respect is in fact defined as “a feeling of deep admiration for someone or something elicited by their abilities, qualities or achievements.” I think a natural consequence of walking the path of liv, is that when we love God then we also see God in all of God’s creation and love and admire that creation too. We need to remind each other of our teachings and cut the stigma around important issues. All women want and deserve to be respected. Bhai Gurdas Ji says, ਦੇਖਿ ਪਰਾਈਆ ਚੰਗੀਆ ਮਾਵਾਂ ਭੈਣਾਂ ਧੀਆਂ ਜਾਣੈ।“The Sikh ought to treat beautiful women of others as his mothers, sisters, and daughters” (Bhai Gurdas Ji Vaar 29 Pauri 11).If we followed this, then men would not see a woman just for sexual attraction or her looks. I feel very disrespected when anyone thinks all that there is to me is my body- all human beings are more than just a body. Looks fade and the body is simply a vessel for this soul’s journey. Perhaps we all need to realize that it cannot be the foundation of love, or a marriage because it will fall apart. This is why falling in love with someone's social media picture does not make sense. Instead, a match of virtues, values, and spiritual direction and life purpose makes sense. Asking a woman to drop her aspirations to fulfill a man's goals and desires is also disrespectful. As a woman, I have also had to learn that compromise does not mean me having to give up who I am. To respect a woman is not to reduce her to just her body, but to appreciate the whole being, body, mind and soul that exists. Respect is also shown as listening and communicating. We might make mistakes and not get things right all the time, but I think the key is that we start having these conversations with each other. When we read the stories such as the ones of the three Kaurs (a few posts down on the page) it inspires us to realize that we do have a long way to go to break all the cultural barriers down that we put in place and revive the Sikhi way of treating women. 

Asa Di Vaar: “From woman, man is born; within woman, man is conceived; to woman he is engaged and married. Woman becomes his friend; through woman the future generations come. When his woman dies, he seeks another woman; to woman he is bound. So why call her bad? From her, kings are born. From woman, woman is born; without woman, there would be no one at all. O Nanak, only the True Lord is without a woman. That mouth which praises the Lord continually is blessed and beautiful. O Nanak, those faces shall be radiant in the Court of the True Lord.” (SGG Ji Ang 473). 

Well I hopefully I've given you lots of posts to read over the next little while! I wrote a lot over the last couple of days as I was inspired. 

References 

https://www.sikhnet.com/news/role-and-status-women-sikhi

http://www.sikhanswers.com/sikh-history-personalities/name-some-famous-women-in-sikh-history/

http://www.searchsikhism.com/women-in-sikhism

https://kaurlife.org/2017/03/07/womens-empowerment-sikhi/ 

http://www.wahegurunet.com/role-of-women-in-sikhism

https://www.allaboutsikhs.com/great-sikh-women/great-sikh-women

http://web.lemoyne.edu/arora/women.htm

http://www.sikhiwiki.org/index.php/Sikh_women

http://www.sikhmissionarysociety.org/sms/smsarticles/advisorypanel/gurmukhsinghsewauk/roleofsikhwomenin18thcentury.html

https://www.google.ca/search?source=hp&ei=0_0tW5KlL9TR9AOpiZzwBQ&q=respect&oq=respect&gs_l=psy-ab.3..0l10.1826.2712.0.3033.8.7.0.0.0.0.105.597.6j1.7.0..3..0...1.1.64.psy-ab..1.7.595.0..0i131k1.0.6hCLAVn4HXo

https://www.quora.com/How-do-you-define-the-boundary-between-respecting-women-and-being-a-feminist

http://www.sikhanswers.com/modern-youth-issues/future-spouse-girlfriends/

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Combat_Exclusion_Policy

https://www.sikhsangat.com/index.php?/topic/27031-menstruation-mature-topic/

https://www.searchgurbani.com/guru-granth-sahib/ang/473

https://www.searchgurbani.com/bhai-gurdas-vaaran/vaar/5/pauri/15/line/1

Going Through The Motions

I have been watching the “The Why Guru Series” (TWGC) from Basics of Sikhi on youtube. It not only gives us a brief explanation of key events in Sikh history but explains what our purpose is and what Sikhism is really about  I’ve been learning a lot since it joins together parts of knowledge and history I have learned over the last few years. What is really great about this series is unlike many camps which sometimes focus on our external image, Bhai Jagraj Singh Ji focuses on the idea of arming us with knowledge to help us understand how we got here and then we can decide what we want to do with it. 

Resources like these are important because they teach us that Sikhi is about doing and living. Bhai Ram Singh Ji does the same on The Harpreet Singh Show. He teaches us how to get out of just "going through the motions." For example, just booking an Akhand paath and not listening, learning, changing, or following what Guru Ji tells us. Bhai Jagraj Singh Ji especially answers the question of why “just being a good person” isn’t enough and isn’t what we strive for in Sikhi. We have this internal thirst and longing for God that can only be filled by God, and people try to fill it with other worldly pleasures but as he said, this God sized hole can only be filled with God. It is too large an emptiness to be filled otherwise. I think that we are in fact very lucky if we realize that emptiness, and that we are covering it up with other things. If we start to develop and feel that longing and thirst, that restlessness for God it is a blessing. Everyone asks what we did with our time- what did you produce, where did you go, who did you meet, what stories do you have? They want tangible external things to mark your journey and this puts a lower value on the mind’s work which in fact is our whole purpose. That chance that you had waited 8.4 million reincarnations to get, born into a Sikhi household, given all the tools, and now we don’t want to walk that last step. 

I feel like Sikhi is a type of healing that awaited me after having been diseased and hurt for so long without knowing it. That disease affects all of us. For years I knew I was searching for something missing, but it wasn’t until I was gifted this love, this yearning, that I finally started to realize what it was about. In the past, I too was caught in the blindness of just doing things out of the motions. When we start to understand and incorporate Sikhi into our lives we realize how to solve conflicts, relationships change, our families function differently, to marry someone carries a deeper meaning, our thoughts change, our whole entire life seems to flip. Gurbani tells us what changes come about in our life by walking that path. So work actively at your spiritual life. We are lucky we have so many resources at our fingertips- kathas, kirtan, Gurbani, translations are all available online but we also need to use them to live by what Guru Ji taught us. Our Gyani Ji used the example that we have this huge treasure chest, the Guru Granth Sahib Ji. We should use that treasure we have been given. That means changing our mindset. 

Resources:

TWGC https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2vgz15G1oHI&list=PL5UNLfJ1TsJksushCeFTr20HE7srx_H0B

Harpreet Singh Show episodes with Bhai Ram Singh Ji such as https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fybBchbU714&t=334s

Shaheedi Guru Arjan Dev Ji

Today we remembered the Shaheedi of Guru Arjan Dev Ji at the Gurdwara Sahib. 

Guru Arjan Dev Ji, our fifth Guru, is known for starting the construction of Harmandir Sahib, starting the compilation of scriptures into one book (now Guru Granth Sahib Ji), and being the first Sikh martyr (1). In memory of Guru Ji’s shaheedi (June 16, 1606), I have written about his martyrdom (2).  

source: 

http://sikhiworld.com/sikhi/guru-arjan-dev-ji-martyrdom/  

Prince Khusrau had been captured fighting Emperor Jahangir to the throne, however he managed to escape and received aid from Guru Ji (3). This enraged emperor Jahangir who won the throne and was intimidated by the political threat from the growing numbers of Sikhs (3). There were many individuals who were against the Guru and added to Jahangir’s hatred, fueling him to order Guru Ji to accept Islam or face execution by torture (3). Guru Ji was arrested and tortured for 6 days (2). He was made to sit in a cauldron of boiling water with hot sand pouring on his head, and then later, made to sit on a hot plate with hot sand being poured over him (2). Despite the blistering of his skin and physical torture, Guru Ji remained calm and recited gurbani (2). Guru Ji spoke the words “Whatever you ordain appears sweet. I supplicate for the gift of name” (3). Mian Mir, the muslim sufi saint that laid the foundational stone of Harimandir Sahib, tried to intervene, however Guru Ji told him that this is the will of God (2). Sikhiwiki.org describes this exchange 

“Guru Sahib said, ‘All is happening in accordance with the will of Waheguru. Men who stand for Truth have to suffer often. Their sufferings give strength to the cause of Truth. Go, brother. Pray for me. Pray for the success of my cause. Pray for victory to truth.’

Mian Mir asked, ‘Why are you enduring suffering at the hands of these vile sinners when I possess superpowers?’

The Guru replied, ‘I bear all this torture to set an example to the Teachers of the True Name, that they may not lose patience or rail against God in affliction. The true test of faith is in the hour of misery. Without examples to guide them, ordinary people's minds would tremble in the midst of suffering’” (2)

Guru Ji was taken to the cold River Ravi as it was thought this would bring further torture, however he never emerged from the river (2). Although Jahangir believed that this would put an end to the political threat that the Sikhs posed, he could not have been more wrong because it solidified the resolve of the Sikhs to be saint soldiers under the guidance of Guru Hargobind Sahib, son of Guru Arjan Dev Ji (2,3) 

1 https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Guru_Arjan#Martyrdom 

2 http://www.sikhiwiki.org/index.php/Martyrdom_of_Guru_Arjan
3 http://www.sikh-history.com/sikhhist/gurus/nanak5.html

Canadian Army

Lots of posts today! In this clip from the Harpreet Show, they do some interviews with officers of the Canadian Army. I don't see a lot of youth these days going into careers like RCMP, Army, Paramedics, etc. but I think they are very rewarding careers. As they pointed out the army also accepts those from other professions like doctors, nurses, teachers etc. One of the great things is also the diversity within these careers. I think educating children really young about different careers helps them get excited and have a motivation to do well in school, even if they change their mind many times. It keeps them interested as well and gets them in a mindset towards achieving something. 

Three Sikh Women

Here are the brief life stories of three Sikh women which I had not previously heard of. All three were warriors.  

Bibi Nirbhai Kaur

She was also a warrior during the times of Ahmad Shah Abdali (Durrani) in the 1700s. Under his direction, Jahan Khan destroyed Kartarpur including the burning of Gurdwara Tham Sahib. In the rampage against Sikhs, Bibi Jis mother was burned in her house. Bibi Ji was amongst four women who were taken captive by the soldiers to be given as a gift to their commander. She had killed two soldiers on the way, which further intrigued the commander. When asking her name, she replied “Death.” He told her to speak nicely in order to save her life, however she defiantly replied that “Death does not wish to live.” The commander wanted to spend the night with the women but left temporarily to go see the destruction of Kartarpur. In the meantime, the Kaurs escaped killing the soldier on guard. She returned with her fiancé to rescue other women we were being raped by the commander, and killed the commander herself. These women felt bad that they would not be accepted by their families after they were abducted, but the Khalsa took them in and they were baptized and married Singhs. This really speaks to the differing attitudes towards sexual assault amongst the Khalsa vs Indian society and culture. Nowadays rape victims face a lot of blame, stigma, and having other people judging them. These women were not blamed but accepted after what they had been through and supported by the Khalsa. I think we have a lot to learn from that since we seem to be moving away from what our Sikhi shows us is right and towards treating victims with shame. Bibi Ji’s story really teaches us about the leadership and bravery of the Kaurs. It also shows us that people are able to heal from their trauma and do not have to be defined by what happened to them. We will see this as well in the next two cases as both Bibi Shamsher Kaur and Bibi Baghel Kaur were kidnapped before they joined the Khalsa.

Bibi Shamsher Kaur

Her life takes place in the 1700s. She was born as Shamo and belonged to a Brahmin (priest) family with her sister Ramo. The sisters were kidnapped by Ali Beg, chief of Hissar, so their father went to Sardar Jassa Singh Ramgarhia (commander of Ramgarhia Misl) for help. The girls were freed by the Sikhs, but their father was afraid to take them back, worried about what people would think after his daughters had been with the Muslims. Sardar Ji reassured him, but later he returned again saying the villagers wanted the girls to return to captivity because they were scared that Ali Beg would return to the village. The girls refused to return to the village of cowards and were raised as Sardar Ji’s daughters. They learned horse-riding, swordsmanship, and Gurmukhi, then took Amrit and became Shamsher Kaur and Ram Kaur. After marriage, Shamsher Kaur fought in a battle at Balata for Sardar Ji which they won. She was bestowed 5 villages to protect and preach Sikhi. Thus she fully fulfilled the role of saint-soldier. As she dressed as a male soldier, many did not know she was a woman. Meanwhile, the chief of a nearby village named Mohammed Ali wanted to forcibly marry a girl named Razia. She tried to escape but was recaptured and her father was put in jail. She convinced the soldiers to bring her out to the fields to get a watermelon, and there Shamsher Kaur approached, leading a group of Sikhs. They found out what was happening and freed the girl (who was surprised to be saved by a woman soldier), then returning to free her father as well. Mohammed Ali begged for forgiveness and was released but later plotted against the Sikhs. A battle ensued and he was killed by Shamsher Kaur herself. This speaks to her high skill level in the battlefield. Her husband was also martyred. The Marathas (a group of castes in India) then came with an army of thousands to take over. Bibi Ji refused to surrender and was bravely martyred with her force of 1000 Sikhs. In her life story, we can learn that despite having been kidnapped as a young woman, she grew into a brave warrior. The fact that the villagers wanted to return the girls to the kidnappers, even after being part of a Brahmin family, speaks a lot about the status of women in the culture. Yet they were fully accepted by the Khalsa. As the leader of those villages, her life was a complete contrast to the life of Indian women at the time who were not allowed any role in spiritual life, political life, or roles outside of the household. As Khalsa Bibi Ji exemplified all of the values that we should carry, including fighting for justice as she went to save the Muslim girl. 

Bibi Baghel Kaur

She was a Hindu bride who was kidnapped on her wedding day by a group of Mughal Soldiers. Her Hindu husband subsequently took Amrit and returned with a group of Sikhs to free her. She also took Amrit and became Baghel Kaur, a soldier. She participated in a battle against Mir Mannu. When his army retreated, she and four other Kaurs were separated from the Sikhs and set up their own camp. When a group of soldiers came to capture and marry them, Baghel Kaur fought them off, cutting off a soldier’s arm and escaping on horseback with the other Kaurs. During the time of Mir Mannu, Sikh women were tortured, having their children speared and cut up, put as garlands around their mother’s necks in order to have them convert to Islam. None of them gave up their faith. After Mir Mannu’s death, they were still being held and Baghel Kaur came with a group of Sikhs to free these women. Unfortunately, then Ahmad Shah Durrani started his own torture and Baghel Kaur sent her husband and son into the forest, while she fought to protect Kaurs from being captured. Eventually she herself was caught by the soldiers and whipped along with other Kaurs. The soldiers tried to torture and bribe the women into converting but they refused. Baghel Kaur was ordered to be tied to a pillar and whipped but she grabbed a soldier’s sword and fought. In this process she and other Kaurs were martyred. The next day a large group of Sikhs successfully freed the remaining women. Her story of being a kidnapping victim and then a warrior of the Khalsa serving to free women from Mir Mannu and Ahmad Shah Durrani’s torture is an amazing story of courage, fighting for the rights of others, justice, and advocacy. Despite the torturous circumstances these Kaurs faced, none of them gave into Islam and rather fought for their rights

Having read these stories, I am very inspired by the Sikh women in our history. For me they raised questions in my mind too about the status of women today, and whether even from our mindsets we are either taught or influenced to limit ourselves from achieving what these women did. I think that everyone can draw from their inspiration and example as they were truly saint-soldiers and exemplified everything that Sikhi is about. We should also pass on these stories to our friends and our children as they build courage and resilience. In the next post I will explore these topics further.  

Reference:

http://www.sikhanswers.com/sikh-history-personalities/name-some-famous-women-in-sikh-history/

Cyber Safety and Cyberbullying

Internet safety has to start at a young age when children start to use the internet. They soon start to make friends on various online locations that we may not even realize, like through video games. Rather than being a one time discussion, internet safety is an ongoing conversation as children age to teens, about online presence and texting. For adults, internet safety extends to protecting our personal information, our photos, and staying safe from scams/viruses. Sometimes we think that we are fully aware and that we can never get scams, but we are all at risk. Scams are becoming increasingly complex so that emails appear almost exactly like from a certain company with a few minor details changed, phone calls seem like the caller ID is from a legitimate caller when it has been hacked, etc. It is therefore important for all age groups. 

I am always surprised at the number of Sikh youth that talk about going to meet someone that they have only known online. It seems like the risk of meeting a stranger is minimized because they feel that this “friend” is now familiar to them. Also, there isn’t a realization that people may not be who they say they are, or even the picture that they posted of who they are. I had a friend who ended up with a stalker because of a similar situation where she went to go meet someone she met online. It brings to light the importance of internet safety, and teaching youth about the dangers of adding friends to social media that they haven’t met in real life.

I personally had one time when I broke my rule of not talking to someone online who I had not known in real life. It started as a religious conversation from someone who saw me make a comment on a Simran post. We discussed Gurbani, then all of a sudden the conversation turned in a very uncomfortable direction so I told him that I didn’t like where things were going, ending the conversation. I wondered if I was wrong about feeling unsafe because this person had discussed Gurbani, so I shared this message with my “brother” (who happens to be a Raagi Singh). I wondered if from a guy’s perspective his opinion would be different. Instead he actually thought it was more serious than even I had thought, confirming that he felt this person was falsely using the pretence of speaking about Gurbani in order to use me. He was actually quite disturbed by what was written and told me to block him. I was kind of embarrassed because I had broken my own rule of not talking to strangers online. I started sharing the story with other people to help us realize that it can be any of us that are fooled, especially when people are pretending to be religious or relate to us in some way that they know is important to us. 

On top of the dangers of meeting a predator online, cyberbullying has become a big problem. It can lead to consequences like anxiety, depression, problems in school and suicide. There have been a number of cases of suicide in the media which brought this issue into light and triggered mass education campaigns against bullying in schools. It can be hard for parents to know what to do for cyberbullying but here are some suggestions. We can support youth, teach them not to respond, block the person, to report the bullying to the website itself, organize for counselling, and get the school involved. As a parent it may help to keep a record (screenshot for evidence). There are laws protecting youth against some forms of cyberbullying. Our criminal code also has a law that you can’t share intimate images without the consent of the person whose picture it is regardless of age (adults too), with a consequence of up to 5 yrs in prison. In these cases, it is important to seek the help of police. Parents are also important in terms of emphasizing to the young person that there are a lot of ways that we can find solutions, so the bullied youth do not feel trapped into thinking there is no way to end this. 

I think in our community there is the added complication that some parents and grandparents don’t know much about the complexities of children’s online activities even if they are able to go online themselves. We’re also in busier times. Many parents are living in big cities where it is very expensive and both parents are working so there isn’t as much time for supervision and having these conversations. I provided links to a Punjabi information sheet on internet safety below. It is important for parents to learn a little bit about parental controls, having young children’s passwords and awareness of what can go wrong online. Since pictures are one of the things that can be used as a form of bullying and extortion, I think it is important to teach youth not to share photos until they are at an age that they can really understand the consequences. I think even a lot of people in their 20s still don’t understand that comments and pictures may never be able to be “deleted” off the internet and what seems like a silly picture or comment now may have future consequences in terms of getting a job or volunteer work. 

I think that a lot of times youth don’t share when something is going on like bullying or especially sexual extortion and exploitation. They might find it hard or shameful to talk about, be scared of what their families will say, etc. Emphasizing early on and regularly to youth that you are supportive of them, and they can always report to any safe adult like school staff is a good measure. I was watching The Harpreet Show episodes on bullying and they brought up an important point about reactions. We can all imagine certain parents start to yell, blame their child, judge, take away all computer privileges, etc. They pointed out that the child has trusted an adult in revealing what happened and this breaks that trust and prevents them from sharing in the future, further isolating them and not solving the problem. I know teenage and pre-teen youth who have entire secret lives about what they are doing, watching, and who they spend their time with. I think this ultimately creates a safety threat if something goes wrong. If the reactions are overblown and strict, with no flexibility and understanding for mistakes, then there will certainly be secrets. Youth will be more likely to come to their parents knowing that they are unconditionally loved even when they make a mistake, not judged and there will be help in solving the problem by being their advocate. It can be hard to do if you are feeling horrified and overwhelmed at what happened, but it is important to step back and manage those emotions otherwise the trust will be damaged. Sadia Sameeullah also brought up that when it comes to sexual exploitation of girls, we often just say that it’s a taboo subject not talked about and end it. This prevents girls from being able to talk about it, and us from knowing the extent of what happened, or how to help. (She also mentioned that if we do have household rules we should be explaining why those rules are in place). I think that the show really emphasized how important the reactions and responses are to the youth’s experience. 

Hopefully this gives our families some discussion points and things to think about in terms of online presence and keeping ourselves safe from predators, scams, and cyberbullying. 

References and Resources: 

https://kidshealth.org/en/parents/net-safety.html

http://www.rcmp-grc.gc.ca/cycp-cpcj/bull-inti/index-eng.htm

https://kidshealth.org/en/parents/cyberbullying.html?WT.ac=p-ra

https://www.stopbullying.gov/cyberbullying/how-to-report/index.html

https://www.getprepared.gc.ca/cnt/rsrcs/sfttps/tp201010-en.aspx

https://kidshealth.org/en/parents/net-safety.html

https://www.childnet.com/ufiles/Supporting-Young-People-Online.pdfEnglish version

https://www.childnet.com/ufiles/Punjabi_Supporting-young-people-online_V3.pdfPunjabi version 

https://www.getcybersafe.gc.ca/cnt/cbrbllng/prnts/lgl-cnsqncs-en.aspx

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bt2Pg-pSHS8Harpreet Show bullying episode

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vxz0IFeOvvEanother bullying episode 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v2_AWsEv1T0  third episode