Happy Holla Mohalla!

Monday will be the celebration of Holla Mohalla. Holla means military charge, and Mohalla means procession. Holla Mohalla is a 3 day festival held at Holgarh fort in Anandpur Sahib (and Gurdwaras across the world). This is a festival started by Guru Gobind Singh Ji in 1700 for Sikhs to gather and reaffirm their commitment to the Khalsa. This was around one year after Guru Ji initially created the Khalsa, and a time during which Aurangzeb was ruling. Holla Mohalla is celebrated the day after Holi. Now every year Sikhs gather to have mock battles, do gatka, horse riding, and practice military exercise, in addition to doing kirtan and having music/poetry competitions. Holla Mohalla is a reminder to us of our responsibility to always fight against injustice, and of our strength as a community. I hope it continues to serve as that reminder especially this year during our farmer protests. I remember two years ago we arrived at Takht Sri Hazur Sahib on Holla Mohalla! 

live programs running now on youtube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LqduWXl7Zx8

Together and Apart

Sometimes people are around in our lives for a moment, season, a few years, 10 years, or even 70 years! The impact they can have on us can be tremendous within one interaction. We gain so many gifts on our journey from our pre-destined interactions and the time we spend with each other. It is also a process of grieving when we no longer have someone in our lives that mattered to us. One of my friends said recently "Grief is a good and yet painful reminder of the value of strong positive connections." People are taken from our lives for hundreds of reasons, but I think nothing trumps the fact that it ultimately comes down to Hukam. This can be one of the hardest things that we have to learn to accept, the inevitable loss of our closest and deepest loved ones. As Sikhs at least we have our preparation phase, we have our phase of remembering that we are all temporary relations here, our phase of remembering that You are ultimately every interaction that this mind encounters. We are merely reabsorbed into a version of that One Universal reality, whether through reincarnation or through Jeevan mukhti and the end of our cycles. 

I have a basil plant that I have been lucky to keep alive this winter next to my bed, even with the lack of sun. I think it is surviving a lot better around the energy of a human being than randomly sitting on a table. This being is also travelling it’s own journey, living out its days in photosynthesis and emitting its sweet and beautiful smell. I hope that the power of the words, shabads and Gurbani that it hears fills it with something to take to its next life. Perhaps this too was our Sanjog, this plant and me, for however long it is around. This extends to all the plants and animals around us. Imagine the long life of the Dukh Bhanjani Beri, or the tree under which Guru Gobind Singh Ji slept at Machiwara. These beings have been around a lot longer than the human lives that pass through visiting them. I’ve always been happier to receive a plant than receive a bouquet flowers. They are cut off from their roots, unable to survive on their own, their beauty to me is a representation of a constant wilting. I enjoy the smell of soil in a potted plant, the renewal of seasons of flowering and not flowering, knowing that it is living. I don’t know for how many weeks, months or years I will get to live with this plant. Will it travel with me to see new houses and places, or will it be reabsorbed into it’s version of the One today. Just like we don’t know when our loved ones will return. 

 

Intermingling (acrylic pour)

I think one of the hardest things to do is to know the right thing to do when you care about someone. A couple of months ago one of closest friends and I were both going through a difficult time. We needed each other because of our inner circles are so small, but at the same time I could see the need for space as well. My heart pulled me to tell her that it was ok if she couldn't walk with me for my journey right now, because she had to look after her own. It was heart-breaking at a time I was already feeling broken, but it was the right thing to do to not be selfish. It was an important conversation that will define the rest of our friendship, because it allowed us to save our friendship and acknowledge that we still care for each other but that we needed things to be different for a while. We decided to gave each other space, but if either one of us had an urgent situation we could call, no questions asked. The texts have been short and the phone calls are rare and not regular anymore, but I don’t love her any less for it. We find other ways to show each other our care like dropping off surprises for each other on a whim or a simple "are you ok?". Maybe this is what true friendship can look like. Sometimes I wish people met me when I had things more "together". It reminds me of a Frasier episode where the main character, a talk show radio Psychiatrist, keeps having a lull in his life every 5 years when he has his high school reunion. He hates attending and having everyone see him at his worst. What I learned though is that we don't have to have everything together to be worthy of being loveable. Messy hair, pyjamas, and puffy black circles doesn’t make us unlovable or unworthy. Even during our absolute lowest and worst, we are still worthy. Sometimes creating space for each other when we are in our lowest, is not abandonment, or to say that the other is not worthy or we don't care, but it is an act of love and compassion. It might be simply saying that we gotta do what we gotta do to survive. I've been the friend on both sides of this situation, and it isn't easy either way. 

I was thinking after hearing that Bhai Manvir Singh katha I mentioned in the last post, about the man who had been already in jail for 26 years and still had to complete a life sentence. He had no friends or family. He might have been alone but he was deeply connected to Guru Ji, and his gutka saved him and put a smile on his face. It made me think about how we can be surrounded by people and still feel lonely, or we can be physically alone and not feel loneliness. Being around other people who make us feel seen, valued, make us laugh and remind us of where we are going in life, is more important than the number of people. It is the quality of the time spent. I am finding it is extra hard during covid because we can’t physically feel the presence of people through zoom and facetime. Yet what I do know is that people who love each other and good friends, are not separated by time and space. I’ve got a childhood friend since 8 years old that catches up with me maybe once a year, sometimes longer stretches of time and the conversations are intense and deep because of our established trust. When we really need each other, we know we are each there no matter what and how much time has passed. You might not see someone for a long time and have a better relationship with them than someone you see everyday (think about some of your coworkers). Mere presence is not enough to add depth. Sometimes we aren’t surrounded by the right people. Sometimes it’s the right people but it isn’t the right time. It is ok to need time for yourself. When life is overwhelming, sometimes all we can really do is take care of ourselves and keep going.  

Alone time is valuable. I find I need a lot of time to reflect, time to sometimes just not have anyone ask me how I am doing, and just have a time and space to just fully immerse myself into a spiritual realm all on my own. I find solace in that space. It doesn’t feel lonely then. Sometimes we need other people desperately, and not having them, not having people to call and tell what is happening, is the worst thing in the world. I have cut down significantly on the people I call my own over the years. The truth is like Brené Brown put it, the amount of people whose opinion matters should fit on a 1” by 1” square. They are the people who are in the inner circle. 

I think the thing I learned is that we can carry the gifts of what people have added to our lives forward, regardless of whether we get to have them in our lives or not. Sometimes we will meet again, and reunite in a few months or years. Sometimes they have moved on from this lifetime and we won’t get a chance to meet them in this form again. The one thing I know is that closeness and love is not predicted from how often you speak, but it is from the depth of thought that goes in your heart for wishing that person well even if you haven’t seen them in a long time. Maybe it is possible to be together and apart at the same time.   

A Hukamnama Can Change Your Life!

I have to admit didn’t always take Hukamnamas or even do Ardas, and when they were taken at the Gurdwara I wasn’t paying attention to the Hukamnama either. For the last couple of years, I take a lot of Hukamnamas and I take them very seriously. The Hukam I got last night prompted me to post this today. It was from Ang 678, Jin Tum Bheje, Tinhe Bulai:  

The One who sent you, has now recalled you; return to your home now in peace and pleasure. In bliss and ecstasy, sing His Glorious Praises; by this celestial tune, you shall acquire your everlasting kingdom. ||1|| Come back to your home, O my friend. The Lord Himself has eliminated your enemies, and your misfortunes are past. ||Pause|| God, the Creator Lord, has glorified you, and your running and rushing around has ended. In your home, there is rejoicing; the musical instruments continually play, and your Husband Lord has exalted you. ||2|| Remain firm and steady, and do not ever waver; take the Guru's Word as your Support. You shall be applauded and congratulated all over the world, and your face shall be radiant in the Court of the Lord. ||3|| All beings belong to Him; He Himself transforms them, and He Himself becomes their help and support. The Creator Lord has worked a wondrous miracle; O Nanak, His glorious greatness is true. ||4||4||28||

You may or may not remember me posting, years ago- Bhai Manvir Singh’s mixed English and Punjabi katha “The Power of Guru Granth Sahib Ji Maharaj.” This Hukamnama specifically was a part of an impactful and inspirational story from that katha and therefore I will never forget it. That katha itself is what changed my relationship with our Guru. I understood for the first time what the importance of a Hukamnama is, and what the relationship is to Guru Ji. I’ve listened to this katha three times now (and cried everytime) so I would encourage you to listen to it yourself. I will summarize the learnings here as well. He shares three stories, one of a Hindu man from Gujrat living in Denmark whose step-daughter is cured of a disease when her parents do Ardas for her at the Gurdwara Sahib. Both parents are non-Sikhs. The other is the story of a Caucasian man who was serving a life-long sentence in jail, who had already served 26 years and had no family or friends, but was happy because of the value he got from a Gutka with an English translation. 

The other true story is that there was a camp in Toronto where a young Sikh woman attended with her African American husband, who served in the US army. She didn’t really know why she showed up to the camp, she wasn’t really into Sikhi but saw a poster and came. She didn’t understand why there was so respect and ceremony around Guru Ji’s entrance- Chaur Sahib, on a Takht, Ramala, having the Singhs play the Nagara and people throwing flowers. She wondered, with lack of understanding, why they were giving so much respect to this “book.” The Singh there explained, that Bani is Guru, and Bani is God, it is the form of Akal Purakh (just like the formless form and the physical forms of the Guru Jis). She didn’t understand, then if it was a living Guru it should listen and speak! So the Singh asked this young woman to ask a question, in her mind, of Guru Ji. To stand forth and ask without speaking. She asked, the Guru Ji the replied, and spoke in the form of a Hukamnama. This is the way Guru Ji listens and speaks- through Ardas and Hukamnama. The woman heard the Hukamnama – it was the above “Jin Tum Bheje” Hukam which I have translated. It was explained to her in English and she went to matha tek again, with respect and understanding of what our Guru Ji is. She explained that she was sexually abused as a child by a family member, but the rest of the family didn’t believe her, so she had to leave home. She met this African American gentleman and got married, but she has never felt like without a family that she has had a home. She asked Guru Ji "will I ever get a home?" and the second question was “What happened to my abuser.” Guru Ji answers both her questions SPECIFICALLY in this Hukam- 1) that she has come home, to her Guru 2) that “I will get rid of your enemies” – Guru Ji has answered her question about her abuser. It is really impactful hearing the full story in the katha. 

 

Guru Ji hears our heart’s language. We can stand there and not ask for anything, just ask for Naam dhaan. We can stand there and not even have to speak, God is Antarjami, the inner knower of our hearts. I have found that every single time I have asked a question, I have gotten an answer that is very incredibly specific to my situation. Sometimes it takes assistance from others to understand, or it takes time to understand and accept, but I always get the guidance I need. This is your Guru, here to guide you in life. When you are lost and there is no one there, where will you go for direction and answers? Where will you turn when you are all alone?  You might have a very different question and sometimes get the same Hukam, but it still answers your question. Even the raag itself gives information. 

 

Can a Hukamnama change your life? Yes it absolutely can change your trajectory. It can even save your life. The power of Gurbani is the power of faith, of God. Taking a Hukamnama with intention and love, is like other parts of Gurbani, reading and listening with love rather than speed has deep value. That’s part of the reason it took me so many years to complete my Sehaj Paath- to do it with sehaj. The time that you spend, however little or much for your spiritual connection, may it be done with that intention. I think one of the things that I have learned is that no one can force, guilt, or tell you to do it and have it make a difference. I think one of the great things about doing more is it is easier to get the essence. I find it takes somewhere between 15 minutes to 45 minutes to get immersed into simran and find a state of peace, depending on where my mind is. It used to take hours. It’s practice, just like any physical practice, the more you do the more your brain learns how to connect faster. Yet if we do it with dread, or do it because we “have to” it doesn’t inspire. It feels then more like a burden and sometimes then it is best to step back and re-evaluate what are you accomplishing and doing and how to re-adjust the approach and get some guidance. What you do and choose to do in your spiritual path has to come from inside to be sustainable- you see and feel a difference then and are encouraged and do more. That inspiration to do that inside your heart can come from stories like the above, meeting Sangat, hearing and seeing and feeling how it affects people. Meeting Gurmukhs who are immersed in Anand are rare, but when we get that chance it is life-changing because we realize what this path can do for us.

One of the interesting things even about this video is that Bhai Sahib has a very strict rehat, and you know that from his comments during katha in his videos, but he’s also the type of person who is happy and laughs during his videos. He describes working with offenders in jails to offer spiritual support! He talks later on in the video about not judging people for the exterior- someone could have said she’s married to this African American man and doesn’t know that Guru Ji is not a “book”, instead there is compassion and understanding that she just didn’t know what she didn’t know and that people come from different paths. I think so many of us know people who are externally dressed a certain way and are bitter and almost poisonous on the inside. They sour us away from this way of life, like what’s the point in doing all this action if it isn’t going to give you a sweetness to your voice, a liveliness, a bounding joy. What we know is that Guru Ji belongs to all, and those who are at the stage of merging into God don’t have to look or be a certain way. Some might look a certain way and be nowhere close to merging. For some the external is a great place to start, it can greatly aid their path. For example, a lot of people find deep connection in their kara. it is something that grounds them into who they are. From these diverse examples in this katha we know they might not even be Sikhs and have more devotion to our Guru. 

 

Something deeply impactful has changed in the last two months. Externally it looks like nothing, internally it looks like everything. I am learning an “and-and” philosophy. I can be a modern educated Sikh woman, and still want to retain some traditional ways of being. I am accomplished and still have struggles. I can be every part of who I am, all in one, it isn’t an either or. This is how we get out of “shoulds.” I can make fresh food and buy pre-packaged food and mix them for a meal.  I can be kind-hearted and still have boundaries. I can like to plan but still be flexible. I can have core values but still learn and expand each day and change my mind about what I believe and value. I can make my own decisions and still value other people’s opinion. Just like our recent post- Michelle Obama can be an independent woman and still choose to be home with her kids; Brené Brown can advocate for better gun laws and still be a responsible gun-owner. We are diverse people who live in many shades. 

I hope this post gave you some topic of thought and discussion. Be sure to watch the katha if you have time. If there is any doubt at all, ask your own question of Guru Ji in Ardas and get an answer in the form of a Hukamnama (can be even online on Sikhnet). 

here's the video: 

https://youtu.be/U_9vMK3DuEM

Healthy Relationships

We’ve done a number of series on healthy relationships including Baldev Mutta’s work on communication, problem-solving, power-control, and unrealistic expectations. We’ve all seen the power and control wheel and we’ve talked a lot about unhealthy relationships. I’ve found two opposite wheels, the “healthy relationships” version of this wheel which includes: supporting each other’s goals in life, respecting your right to your own feelings/opinions/activities, listening non-judgementally, respecting boundaries, being willing to compromise/fairness, mutually sharing and distributing responsibility, independent time to breathe, not expecting each other to solve all problems or give you everything you are going to need, honesty and accepting responsibility for self/accountability.

I was recently listening to Michelle Obama’s Netflix Special, Becoming. The Obamas are one of the most powerful couples in the whole world, and so many of us look up to them and what they stand for. In the documentary, she talks about meeting her husband: “he was different from me, and he challenged me in different ways. I knew he was a tsunami coming after me, and if I didn’t get my act together, I would be swept up. I didn’t want to be just an appendage to his dreams… so that forced me to work and think, and make decisions like leaving law.” She says “if I was going to have an equal voice… I had to get myself up, I had to set myself off to a place where I was confident that I was going to be his equal. The thing that really changed it was the birth of our children.” She continues “something had to give, and it was my aspirations and dreams. I made that concession - not because he said you have to quit your job, but it felt like, I can’t do all of this so I have to tone down my aspirations, I have to dial it back.” I like that she talks about the strength in doing something congruent to her values, and for her that meant giving up law to raise her kids. She talks about supporting each other’s goals, making sure that she didn’t lose herself in the relationship, and compromising not because she was forced to, but because it was mutually decided and it’s something she wanted. Next, she talks about going to marital counselling (such an important thing for her to say to destigmatize counselling!), and she says that it taught her that he was not responsible for making her happy: “My resentment for him was that Barack was prioritizing himself, in a way, it’s like we have babies, he was at the gym, it’s like how you find time to work out? So let me stop being mad at for going to the gym and let me get to the gym.” In this part she really emphasizes the aspects of independent time, and not expecting the other person to give you everything you need, and self-accountability. Part of that is really also not holding onto things that aren’t your responsibility, it is as much the other person being accountable for themselves too, and you not accepting their part. 

I think we can apply some of what she says here to all relationships- our friendships, our family, our colleagues, or our partner. We need to be aware of what we bring, from past experiences, what we might be projecting that isn’t applicable here. We have to be aware of not just two people’s dynamics but our own dynamic within the self. We all have our past stories, our whole lives up until now that we have lived, and the imprints of lifetimes of reincarnations that shape our mind’s habits, and we can’t erase those immediately. What we can do is recognize the role it plays in who we are and acknowledge and try to work on it if it is causing problems. Our work on ourselves is something that anyone else can do for you and they aren’t responsible for but we can support each other in. When you care about someone, you will do whatever it takes to make it work, whether that is flexibility and compromise, or giving space and letting go a little, whatever is needed to make sure that they are ok. The bond of caring is based in our universal love for God and allows us to do the hard things. We are all worthy of love and belonging regardless of our pasts and what we have gone through. We are worthy even if we have lots of healing to do, even if we are in the process of doing the work on ourselves. Our hardships shape people to get to where they are today. I think Michelle Obama really emphasized that part of knowing who you are within yourself and finding fulfillment and making sure you feel whole, and she continued to work on that within relationship. Here we see that she isn't simply an appendage to his dreams, she has become her own person and is travelling and telling her story as a real example of a healthy relationship. 

 

References

https://spokane.wsu.edu/extra/2017/04/04/signs-healthy-unhealthy-relationship/

https://www.pinterest.ca/pin/AXrPpf-2pmnzABXpX7eljxWIhFNUOxG1VjUIjkWsEMbrcLRNaWCuZQQ/

Becoming. Directed by Nadia Hallgren, performance by Michelle Obama, High Ground Productions, 2020. Netflix.   

The Daily Struggle

I was walking up my street today, the sun is reflecting off the fresh snow, and observing the neighbourhood. I’ve done this same walk thousands of times, the vibe the same every time. There are layers and layers of memories in this community, from eating cherry ice cream in the motel we lived in when we first moved here when I was three, to watching the giant fish tank at the university in between classes. 

Maybe people who travel frequently or move all the time don’t understand this same concept of community. I sometimes get asked if I’m from “down south.” I’ve learned that means that people think I’m from Surrey because I’m brown and Surrey is full of Punjabis. There is a sigh of relief and dropping of the shoulders when I say “no, I grew up here.” They are relieved as if to say, “you get it, now I don’t have to explain what it’s like to live here.” That explanation would be difficult to offer. I do get it; I get the struggle of the fact that you can’t ride your bike because there aren’t proper bike lanes and people get hit by cars all the time. I get that it’s hard to walk in the winter because it’s -50 and you don’t want to fall on the ice, and there’s 6 feet of snow to shovel. I’m not exaggerating- there was so much snow once I climbed over top of my 6 foot fence and it was -50 just this winter. It’s suffocating from the wildfires or the pollution from the mills (we had some of the worst air quality in the entire world in August). Here I am asking you to exercise, when you have all these barriers. Public transport isn’t really a thing and the fear of hitting a moose on a head on collision while driving is real. I get that driving an electric car doesn’t make sense because where will you recharge when there are no stations and how will you make it over the snow? I get that the cost of vegetables and fruit is ridiculously high because in some cases, they travel from Mexico or California to get to us and I’m asking you to eat well when you can’t even afford it. I understand that the water in some places is so contaminated people don’t drink it. I had no water at my house for three days. I understand that highways can be entirely closed preventing travel, the electricity goes out and there’s many places with no cell service. I get that we live on the “Highway of Tears” and until recently were “Canada’s most dangerous city.” I too, cry over those missing and murdered women. That there’s no cultural stuff like gidda, gatka, Khalsa schools, and tanti saaj classes. Our schools don’t have fancy high tech equipment, they are crowded and under-resourced. I get that we are 800 km from comprehensive medical care and you might die waiting to get there when the weather is bad. Due to all of these community factors, we have poor healthcare statistics- this is what we call the social determinants of health. It is harder to be healthy in rural or remote environments because of the impact of things like food, education, housing, safety, stress, racism, etc. The reason I understand these issues is not only because I live here but I worked to help do city planning and create a vision for downtown. We are proud to be Canadian. We are proud to have the freedoms we do, but there is a healthcare disparity between the north and the rest of the province. 

I understand that the lived struggle of being here is why people don’t want an outsider from a place where they have all the resources and luxuries coming here and telling us what to do and how it is. I wonder if that is how it is for people in third world countries when outsiders came in and start changing things. What I’ve always known is that the aid that we provide places should always be grounded in local leadership and in the local people. It shouldn’t be about us trying to make ourselves feel better that we are doing something or building our own reputation and image up. That isn’t real aid. I wonder also our role as the Sikh diaspora in helping Punjab. We have a duty to our homeland. We have a responsibility to help our people, but we have to be careful not to do the same thing. We can’t assume that we know better than them, about their own lives. The Sikhs in Punjab are living the daily grind and struggle. The farmers are living with having their livelihoods taken from them, with debt, with friends who have killed themselves. We do not live that reality day in and day out, so we have to make sure we help from the right place of our hearts. People in daily poverty and struggle have a hard time lifting themselves out and it is important for us to speak, for us to help. We must use our resources and knowledge to help but must make sure that it is locally driven too and not just us imprinting our own ideas on them. It would be like re-creating the trauma of colonization all over again. 

Coming back to the North, there is something special about small places. Maybe it is because of our common struggles that we bond more closely as a community. Our community literally rallied and made the government create a medical school here. We have passion and drive, the kind of people who stay after work and volunteer to keep programs alive. This is a place where we have casual chit chat with strangers and put hearts in our windows to cheer people up for covid. We live in raw beauty- daily seeing the view of the mountains and being a 2-minute walk from the forest. This is a place where people raise each other up and no matter what external factors, a community is made up of people at its core. We took winter and transformed it into winter sports. We encourage local restaurants and local initiatives. We might not have all the things that other places have, but we also don’t have traffic and we have lots of space and greenery that improves our quality of life. There is more room for innovation in these scenarios. 

one of my paintings:
butterfly hands (acrylic)

One year ago, on April 4/20, I wrote about a very similar topic, about my love for home, the pain of thoughts of leaving but staying to give back to those who invested in me. I wrote about stirrings of change. For quite some time now, I have felt more and more like the angel whose wings no longer fit- this “home” has no space left for my wings. The feeling of being trapped has pervaded my subconscious and has finally just surfaced so much it can’t be ignored. Leaving familiarity is hard. We are wired as humans to recognize patterns, and after so much change in my life, it feels like I would be giving up the one thing that I do know. It is scary to leave the familiar for the unknown, but it is also necessary. I can choose a place big enough for my wings. I don’t like broken promises, to me a promise is a "pinky swear" situation in which you gave your word. I felt like I had always made a promise to serve the people who helped me to get to where I am and I couldn't betray them by leaving. My friend recently told me something beautiful- you are taking all the gifts they gave and spreading them to the world, it isn't a betrayal. Thinking back, I had a loved one say something that stands out powerfully for me today: if I need something to grow and heal and people don’t support me, no matter who they are, then just do it anyways because you don’t need them. It taught me a deep lesson that our relationships should never stunt each other from flying, expanding, growing, leaping. We should allow each other to flourish.

I’m thankful for all that this place gave me growing up. Certainly, living in a French-speaking area Quebec where I was born, would not have given me the life I have today. I’m excited to meet new sangat, to expand myself in every part of my health and being, to give myself everything I’ve been deprived of, that my soul is starving for. The simple truth is my heart belongs elsewhere now and the cost of keeping a promise should not be suffering. Now I understand the need to unapologetically do what you need to do for the sake of your heart and soul. I am excited to meet new people with common goals and actions, who will work together to achieve amazing things for the world. I'm excited to do work with organizations, maybe even something like Khalsa Aid. At the same time, I managed to find a way I can continue to serve the North and keep the important ties. I'm really interested in God's plans for the next stages of life. All I can do is take my step forward to making things real and see what happens.  

Reference for photo: 

https://mandyhale.com/2018/10/11/turn-toward-the-sun/   

Sikh Texts

I wanted to compile a list of some important Sikh texts here (mostly about history), feel free to add more in comments:
Suraj Prakash Granth by Kavi Santokh Singh= a history of the 10 Guru Jis
Suraj Prakash by Giani Gian Singh= the abridged version of the above

Twarikh Guru Khalsa by Giani Gian Singh= history

Gurbilas Patshahi= a history of the 10 Guru Jis

Sikhan Di Bhagat Mala by Shaheed Bhai Mani Singh= history of the lives of some important Sikhs

Prachin Panth Prakash= history

Sidh Ghost= conversations that Guru Nanak Dev Ji had

Bachittar Natak= part of the Dasam Granth, the story of Guru Gobind Singh Ji's life 

Janamsakhi= life of Guru Nanak Dev Ji

Ganjnama by Bhai Nand Lal Ji 

Sri Nanak Prakash by Santokh Singh Ji

Sau Sakhi = originally 500 Sakhis but 400 were lost, written by verbal account of Guru Gobind Singh Ji

Sri Sarab Loh Granth= writings of Guru Gobind Singh Ji, poets and other Sikhs  

Trauma Sensitive Yoga

One of the other resources I wanted to spread the word about today was Trauma Center Trauma Sensitive Yoga (TCTSY). This style of yoga is particular to a trauma-informed approach (also validated for treating PTSD) and was designed by David Emerson at the Trauma Center. Unfortunately, the Trauma Center itself was closed so it is now run out of the Justice Research Institute in Boston (USA). We now know body based approaches have a significant role in trauma treatment like I discussed in previous posts. This style of yoga is different from regular yoga, it still has poses but it is more about empowering people to make choices themselves about what feels right for them today, and how to reconnect and feel parts of their body. For more information about TCTSY https://www.traumasensitiveyoga.com/about They give many possible options of choices, and the language used is much different during the sessions. Even for those who have previously disliked yoga they may find some benefit in this style. To sign up for classes and get registered it’s just a 10 minute intake on the phone and they ask that you make a donation of $12 US/15 CAD for each class, but they are flexible depending on what people can afford, they don't want that to be a limiting factor. The classes are run via zoom and with participant cameras off. Here’s the link for registration, note the class times are all EST (since it’s in Boston) so it’s a three hour time difference, and it is available to us in Canada as well: https://jri.org/get-involved/tctsy-classes It is open to people of all genders.  I think this is a fantastic initiative and the more we spread the word the more people will benefit from these resources. 

Happy New Year!

March 14th is the beginning of a New Year and the start of the month of Chet for us as Sikhs. Happy New Year to all the Sangat! Hopefully this year will bring about change for the world, a sense of unity, a sense of collective healing, and helping each other through these hard times. I think this will be an important year for Sikhs specifically. I am wondering about what is happening with the farmer's protest throughout these New Year's celebrations although I haven't been able to find any relevant news online yet. This is an opportunity for us to remind the world of what the issues are affecting the Sikhs in the world, as well as an opportunity for us to celebrate our resilience. As we get vaccines, hopefully this year will bring us opportunities to visit and travel openly, and an ease in restrictions. I'm really itching to go and not only see loved ones, but also just explore the world. In 2016/17 I travelled across the country, working and exploring different places to live and as tiring as it was, that taught me a lot. I'm now excited to explore other parts of the world. I can't believe it has been two years since we left on our India/Pakistan adventure and I got to do kirtan in some of our most sacred spaces. This year is a chance for us to connect to Naam, to listen to the Anhad Bani, to dig deeper into ourselves and find our way home. Many blessings to the sangat. 

Falling through the Safety Net

I know they say don’t put all your eggs in one basket, but sometimes you really do have to just trust. Where else do you put your eggs, you’d just keep them for yourself forever with no benefit? I am one of those people that trusts, believes and has faith, and it most certainly has burned me but I refuse to give up because it has also gotten me a lot of positive things as well. Everything worth doing has a level of risk, and skepticism and cynicism is just no way to live. I’d rather have put my eggs into the wrong basket than to never have tried at all. In December, I decided to give up my job at the best place I’ve ever worked. There was not a single thing I didn’t love about being there, except the physical location of it tying me down. In that same vein, I dropped a bunch of other jobs, because if I needed the flexibility then I needed to be all in. I don’t do things half-way. One of my colleagues was sad I was leaving but said “I know you are chasing something really important and following your heart and you need to do that.” I could say now that I did it for nothing, but I don’t think that’s true. I would never have forgiven myself if I hadn’t been all in and taken the chance and given everything I have fully. I’d rather give my everything and not have it work out than have held something back. If something doesn’t go as planned, I look toward myself, what did I do wrong and what could I have changed. I’m learning to give myself compassion instead of self-blame. I come back to the fact that I trust my heart and my Guru, plus I did what I knew how to do at the time with my skills and abilities then. There are some things that we cannot change, they are etched into Hukam and there is a reason they exist. Why do we carry so much shame and heavy feelings, as if it is about our inherent worthiness and lack of effort, when the outcome wasn’t in our hands in the first place? We make things about ourselves when they aren’t, they are simply the action of the Universal life force, whether it is a temporary detour or a permanent one.  

Each happening gives us an opportunity for growth. Shuffling the jobs actually did give me more flexibility to breathe and explore. It is fulfilling its original function in a new way that I wouldn’t have otherwise realized. When we learn new ways of being, they become so integrated it is hard to imagine life the way it was before. I was attached to places and situations that were draining me because they were unsafe. It is so odd that letting go of that job was actually what I needed, because I realized all of the things that are holding me down and restricting me and was able to finally start to cut those off. With each decision made, it has been a burden lifted. When we are collectivists, we grow up constantly thinking about other people and what they need, what is the greater good, the greater need. We start to give up parts of ourselves too. The greater need can actually only truly be met when our internal compass feels like it is no longer trapped. When we truly feel connected, free, whole, safe, peaceful and at ease. It takes a while sometimes to put a positive direction to a situation that you didn’t want in the first place. Sometimes it takes years to realize what gift came out of a situation. To do so immediately would not acknowledge the pain and nature of the process itself. When we grow, sometimes that growth is so dramatic that it is irreversible and irrevocable, it is a true gift of a new way of being integrated into the One. 

 

Every week this year has presented me something that has thrown me off guard and I have felt unprepared, but the growth that is bursting out is spectacular. It reminds me of the Sarab Rog Ka Aukhad Naam camp in 2016. A friend asked me recently to describe what I got from that camp, and I can succinctly say now that I found my warrior spirit then and there. Something changed and it changed forever, in such a significant and positive way that there was no possible way of undoing what I had discovered. The struggle is real, and it isn’t over but I’m reflecting now and just realizing from where I started and how I have gotten here. Few people know what enormous effort it takes for us to survive our hardest days. We look at other people and don't know what it is taking them to just breathe and get through the day, maybe their whole world, their heart, their spirit and their dreams just broke. We all know from our own inner experience what difficult emotions like, we just assume others aren't going through it too, and not everyone knows the struggle of mere survival unless they've been there too. I’ve held those hands and looked into those eyes through my work and I will never forget what that looks like. It is raw and real to be broken. 

Not everyone's safety net is the same if they fall (hence the dog photo (reference https://i.pinimg.com/originals/7e/47/45/7e474561622586c012867c78f4ad8787.jpg). I recently was going over this topic and an outside observer said, "do you realize you don't really have the same net other people do?" That net directly correlates to how big we jump, how many risks we are willing to take. I always thought that as brown families, we are lucky to have a larger safety net, that if we go somewhere we have this understanding that these are "our people" and they will look out for us. It's our own type of net that other people don't have. Our families are large and not just our immediate families. Now I understand that although my net exists, it has not been strong enough to catch me at times, and I have fallen through and landed hard. During this conversation I started to learn more about the intricacies of this "net" that people have. For someone who has been betrayed many times, trusting is not the same as trusting when you've been supported your whole life. Dreaming, when your dreams has been broken, is not the same as dreaming when all your dreams have come true up until now. Another example would be the backpacking in Europe situation- the ability to go places unplanned, without a care on a whim, with financial backing. I've always had to plan because there's many things I could not take for granted to be true, that other people can because of who they are and who I am. I'm a celiac, lactose-intolerant vegetarian, I don't just blindly travel up North and just assume there is food for me to eat. I don't assume I will be accommodated wherever I go, I can't just have the luxury of assuming things to be true that others might. I can't just choose a random place to live and have it work out... travelling safely as a female is different. I know these things only now because of sticky situations and lived experience. For others, it might be that they can't travel to India, our homeland without worrying about whether they are safe, they might have to take extra considerations. This "net" might include whether or not you have friends to support you when you collapse, and whether you have a shoulder to cry on. It can include cultural things like whether you are able to talk about your problem without deep shame or whether there is so much stigma you might not be able to share it. This is not just a matter of topics of "privilege", a net is so much more than that. Even having faith- the ability to trust in a higher purpose and power has it's own net that catches us when we fall, and not everyone has that. 

After that conversation I realized my ability to take a leap and live to the intensity I live considering the kind of net I have, and the fact that I have previously fallen right through with no safety is a remarkable act of courage. I've had such a hard time "seeing myself" like other people see me, and I feel like this really has started to allow me to see myself in a different way from within. Our ability to see ourselves and validate our own experience is in itself a part of the net and I didn't even used to have that to hold onto. I didn't know such an extensive concept of safety, and a safety net existed. It allows us to understand where we are and how to build ourselves stronger nets so that we can go out and allow ourselves to be caught if we fall, and to rise up again. I wonder about our parents' generation and their safety nets. Perhaps the cultural communities in the villages gave them some benefits, but I know that many of them also had some very deep gaps and struggles which is why they wanted our generation secure futures in these western countries, and to choose more secure jobs as well. 

 

As much as life is bursting inwardly, I am still patiently awaiting to see what direction God takes me. So much changes and yet nothing changes all at once. I think God gives us what we need for our next stage of life, so we are ready and to be the best most whole versions of ourselves. We keep getting more lessons as we walk toward our ultimate awakening. Things work themselves out in mysterious ways, and the people, places and things that are coming to us will come in their own time when things are shuffled in a different way. When things become unstuck they flow more freely and naturally. There are many paths in the same direction, it doesn’t have to be in a certain way. Sometimes the longer route is the better one because we learned something that we needed to truly be able to succeed. All I know is that I'm learning the things I need to learn to feel fulfilled, whole, safe and at ease. Here's a painting I made recently: 

Representation

As we are coming up to the Sikh New Year, it brings new awakenings, growth and light. My book of dreams (the equivalent of a vision board and combination scrapbook) has been completed and I’m excited to add to it over the years as I actually visit the places and do the things I plan to do. The advantage of making it a combination scrapbook is I included some memories in it already, like visiting Gurdwaras in Pakistan.  

As I was adding photos to the Women’s Day post, I decided to include some of those pictures of Sikh women in my book. I was thinking about how growing up, it wasn’t the case for me seeing any Sikh female doctors. Meanwhile a lot of the people I knew just followed their parents; one friend and her three siblings all became doctors because their father was a doctor. Furthermore, it’s not like TV shows or movies depict Punjabi Sikh women in these types of positions. I really enjoyed watching rare Bollywood movies like Mary Kom, Gunjan Saxena, and Dangal because at least it showed women from India working hard to achieve their goals and rising to a spectacular level in their field despite all odds, even if they weren't Punjabi. The role of Punjabi women in films is the love interest, or the matriarch. We hear about this often, how important it was and continues to be, in the United States for African Americans to see themselves represented on TV and in movies. It is known that people need representation. In Canada I think Kim’s Convenience has given us a similar chance to represent Korean Canadians. I wonder about our own ability to represent the stories of Sikhs growing up in Canada or the US. Our stories are diverse and complex. Each one of the women mentioned in my previous post are representing the diversity of what we can be and who we can be. Why was it so hard to find their images? Why is it so difficult to go searching to find ourselves represented? Even a google image search of Sikh female doctor shows only two real female physicians from India, and then a bunch of stock images and random unrelated pictures. 

 

As Sikhs we are a minority population no matter where we are living. We have done a good job of making ourselves seen in politics in Canada, of making our community seen, but I will argue that that is mostly the stories of men... where are we as modern Sikh women? Most articles we find online about Sikh women are historical, about Mai Bhago and Mata Gujri Ji. While inspiring, I think we need to tell more stories of different women today and our struggles. I often wonder what do other Sikh women’s lives look like? It is isolating not to know whether my fellow Sikh women out there are wondering things like I do about raising a family in the modern day, about balancing work life and career, about incorporating Sikhi into our lives, about maintaining our language. I wonder how we navigate the cultural freeze that occurred when parents immigrated and that India that they immigrated from no longer exists. They had to “integrate” into this society at a time when there was blatant racism. Their cultural values of being a Punjabi are ingrained in what it meant to be a Punjabi back in those days, but that Punjab is gone now. As second generations, we cannot relate to those who are immigrating now, because they have lived in a different version of being Punjabi than what we know, which has been passed down in our families. They live in a modernized westernized Punjab and then integrate here into a mosaic, where there might even be communities of majority Punjabis. Their stories also need telling, as do ours. I wonder what it is like for other Sikhs of this second-generation living day to day in the UK, US and Canada. I wonder if other women struggle with the same daily stuff like I do, the same dilemmas and how they deal with these same issues. Sometimes I work for a whole month without seeing any single other Punjabi person, or Sikh. I am realizing while we do not need a large group of friends, we at least need people in our circle who understand and can generate conversation on these topics and I am hungry for a sangat of Sikh women around my age. 

Regardless of gender, it can be isolating when only you know what kind of hardships you face. It feels awful as you aspire and dream big and then there’s no one to share it with, no one who gets it. Especially as you gain success in whatever area, it is lonely at the top. It is an alleviation to find another like us and to be in it together. To walk through the world knowing you are sharing a common experience and connection. I hope as we see more Sikhs in the media, and we create our own media, as we share our voices and see women as astronauts, mathematicians, artists, and kirtanis, we feel more connection. As we see Sikh women who are representing every aspect of diversity including those who are not Punjabi, we will see the diversity of who we are. As I look through my book full of dreams and aspirations, I hope that this is what we start to see in the world as we make it happen.