Love Languages

What I really love about books is that they have the power to impart knowledge that changes our entire way of seeing the world, of living and being. I recently read The 5 Love Languages: The Secret To Love That Lasts by Dr. Gary Chapman and it did just that for me.  

A while back I posted some of the most common reasons for marital breakdown from Social Worker Baldev Mutta from the Punjabi Community Health Services. One of the main reasons he had mentioned was communication, and this book entirely focuses on a core aspect of our communication- how we communicate love for one another. In our Punjabi culture especially I think we do not focus on learning and developing communication enough, so I think this topic is very relevant to all of us. As human beings we will have many loving relationships in our lives- from our family and friends, to our partner and children, and these concepts apply to all those relationships. The idea of the book is that everyone has a primary love language- a way that most makes them feel loved. There are five different love languages: receiving gifts, physical touch, words of affirmation, acts of service, and quality time. When we express love in a way that doesn’t fill up the other person’s “emotional tank” or “love tank”, then we might very well be loving them, but they won’t feel loved. Often times we express love in the way we saw our parents express love, or the way we want to receive love and not the way that the other person needs to be loved to feel secure. 

 

In the category of quality time comes activities where you give one another undivided attention, or conversations in which you look one another in the eye with full attention with the intent of understanding the the others’ thoughts, feelings, and desires. Examples are going for a walk, going out to dinner, going on a vacation, etc. Some of the examples from this chapter were a husband who does acts of service all the time, but she keeps complaining that he doesn’t talk. Her primary love language is quality time in the form of conversations. Another example was a man who was working very hard all day, "doing it for the family", but she feels unloved because they never do anything together. This conversation is recorded between him and Dr. Chapman: “'Do you want to be there alone, or do you want to be there with Andrea and the children?' I asked. 'I want her to be with me, Dr. chapman. I want her to enjoy it with me. That’s why it always hurts so much when she criticizes me for spending time on the job. I am doing it for us. I wanted her to be a part of it, but she’s always so negative.' 'Are you beginning to see why she was so negative, Mark?' I asked. 'Her love language is quality time. You have given her so little time that her love tank is empty. She doesn’t feel secure in your love. Therefore she has lashed out at what was taking your time in her mind- your job. She doesn’t really hate your job. She hates the fact that she feels so little love coming from you.'" He mentions especially for people who value quality conversation it is important for them to know what the other person feels: “When a wife says, ‘I wish my husband would talk. I never know what he’s thinking or feeling,’ she is pleading for intimacy. She wants to feel close to her husband, but how can she feel close to someone whom she doesn’t know? In order for her to feel loved, he must learn to reveal himself. If her primary love language is quality time and her dialect is quality conversation, her emotional love tank will never be filled until he tells her his thoughts and feelings.” 

 

In the category of receiving gifts, Chapman talks about how those who feel loved when they receive gifts will feel it for almost any gift- it could be a cup of cha, a flower, something handmade, or something symbolic like wedding rings. He mentioned that for a person to whom receiving gifts is their main love language, one’s physical presence must not be forgotten as a gift, because it is critical to them to have loved ones around during a crisis. In the theme physical touch, comes things like patting someone’s back, holding hands, hugs, massages, running hands through hair, etc. When a relationship is long distance he mentions things like a hand-written letter, photo, or item of one’s loved one as a way of communicating touch. Next are words of affirmation. These are words of appreciation- how they look, for what they do (taking out the garbage), how they behave (you always make me laugh), and encouraging words (you are such a good writer). 

 

In the heading of acts of service, Chapman mentions what we think of daily activities like cooking a meal, picking up a prescription, vacuuming or doing laundry. We have seen many TV shows that mimic scenarios in real life where the wife is complaining that her husband never helps out around the house. In this section Chapman reminds us that even if we aren’t used to expressing our love a certain way, we can learn for the sake of our partner. Furthermore he clarified that acts of service aren’t just any activity- they are the ones meaningful to the other person. He reminds us that love is not a demand but a choice; we choose to do these things for our loved ones even though we might not like them because they make the other person feel secure in their love, it fills up their tank. He gives an example of a wife who asked her husband to do the laundry as part of acts of service. He explained to the husband “the love you feel when your wife expresses love by physical touch is the same love your wife feels when you do the laundry.” 

 

Overall we have to figure out the love languages of other people and make sure we are expressing our love to them in a way that fills up their tank the most. He has examples of people that saved their marriages after 20-30 years of feeling like their relationship was dead! There’s a lot weight from all the hurt but it is still possible as long as we are dedicated to filling the tank of those we love. If we aren’t sure about our love language, he gives some ways of figuring it out in the book- there’s a quiz, he talks about asking yourself some questions about what you request the most and what you desire above all else, or alternatively what hurts you the most. For example he describes that the silent treatment will be hurtful more than anything else to someone whose language is words of affirmation, whereas someone’s partner not spending time with them is most hurtful to someone who values quality time above all else. If we want to discover the language of someone else, think about what they “nag” about the most- this is them asking for what they need the most. (However unfortunately sometimes people don’t know how to ask, so they might be starving for touch or words of affirmation but don't know that's what's going on. This book is great for us to know more about ourselves too and give us the language to know what we need). Words like “you don’t talk to me” or “you don’t appreciate me”, “you don’t love me anymore” “I don’t feel the same” are vague. But when we reformat them as “I would love some quality conversation” or “hearing words of affirmation would really make me feel loved” are more specific and are in the format of a request.

 

I realized a lot about myself while I was reading the book. I realized for example that while receiving gifts has zero importance to filling up my emotional tank, I often give gifts because gift-giving is commonly done in my family. I realized why certain things bother me, what I need for my tank to feel whole. I also recognized that while some things are certainly nice, others are simply necessary to survive. During covid we have all learned what its like to be in a long-distance relationship with almost everyone we know. This is worked ok for certain people’s love languages- they can still have quality conversations on facetime, spend time together in outdoor settings, hear words of affirmation on text, mail gifts, etc. It is much harder to do acts of service for one another virtually, and impossible to touch. Although we all appreciate some touch, it is devastating to a person whose primary love language is physical touch, to not be able to fill their cup for such a prolonged period of time. Thus I think that covid has made a real difference to the amount that our love tanks might be full too, and be deeply affecting our relationships. In the book Dr. Chapman talks again and again about how there is a phase of being “in-love” that is the euphoric experience of wanting to do everything together, longing for them, they seem perfect, you would never do anything to hurt them, etc. and lasts for a maximum of 2 yrs. He then says naturally this phase ends and then people start to get unhappy as their love tanks empty and might then end up looking for someone else to start the cycle again. Perhaps this cycle will be much shorter during covid as people's cups are already running on empty for so many other reasons. 

 

Chapman emphasizes that when we love someone in their primary love language, we are allowing them to feel secure in the relationship, to feel worthy. People often blame one partner or another (some examples were given in a book) for their unhappiness or insecurity when it might very well be that they just aren’t getting what they need in the relationship to feel secure about it. They might be dearly loved but they aren’t feeling loved because the other person isn’t communicating in the language that they need. Some people in the book mentioned how they had changed over time- used to help with a lot of projects but stopped, used to talk daily but stopped talking and somehow we expect that the other person will not be affected by these changes. The very beginning of a relationship sets a precedent for how and why someone falls in love, something about it is filling their emotional tank. Chapman describes, “we feel secure when we are assured that our mate accepts us, wants us, and is committed to our well-being” and “Without love, I may spend a lifetime in search of significance, self-worth and security. When I experience love, it influences all of those needs positively. I am now freed to develop my potential. I am more secure in my self-worth and can now turn my efforts outward instead of being obsessed with my own needs. True love always liberates.” The thing that really stood out to me was all the examples in the book of people willing to try, to learn how to do things they aren’t used to doing or saying, because they wanted their loved ones to have their cup filled. It was their commitment to one another, to not give up. 

 

There are so many relationships we can apply these same principles to, the examples in this version of the book were largely of partners but the other versions apply to parent-child relationships and for single people as well. I think the main takeaways here are all around communication and how crucial it is in how we select the language of love that we communicate to those most important to us. At the same time we need to be introspective in knowing and requesting what we most need as well. 

 

References: 

Chapman, Gary. The 5 Love Languages. Moody Publishers. Kindle Edition. 

Sikhism and Trauma/PTSD

Sikhi and Trauma and the area of PTSD are areas I am very passionate about exploring as I feel there are so few conversations that expand on this area. As we will discover below, the effects on our population are pervasive.   

First let’s just get a brief quick background so we are on the same page. Trauma is an event that overwhelms our capacity to cope. It is “unbearable” and “intolerable”, as Dr. Bessel Van Der Kolk, the psychiatrist who helped to define the area of PTSD, tells us in his book “When the Body Keeps the Score.” Our classical examples are intimate partner violence, shooting, car crash, ICU stay, sexual abuse, physical abuse, psychological abuse, neglect, loss, violence, terrorism, war, natural disasters, etc. It is not the event itself that defines trauma. He tells us “We have learned that trauma is not just an event that took place sometime in the past; it is also the imprint left by that experience on the mind, brain and body.” Over time we have grown to recognize that trauma is also intergenerational from genocide, colonialism, slavery, and war and as the name implies, travels between generations. Trauma has many symptoms such as memory problems, loss of connection and faith, difficulty setting boundaries, emotional dysregulation, fight-flight-freeze reactions, depression, anxiety, nightmares, shame, guilt, self-blame, helplessness and more. We know that trauma also affects a person’s physical health and wellness as well. 

 

Some people who experience trauma go on to get post-traumatic stress disorder. The Center for Addiction and Mental Health defines PTSD as “a natural emotional response to frightening or dangerous experiences that involve actual or threatened serious harm to oneself or others.” It comes with its own set of specific diagnostic criterion, some of which include re-experiencing the event, nightmares, hypervigilance, sleep problems, aggression, avoidance of reminders of the event, isolation, etc. This isn’t the only thing that happens in PTSD, it effects the entire body. In one of our past posts, we talked about how people who are triggered might have difficulty putting their thoughts and feelings into words, a phenomenon proven on MRI scans. For some people, PTSD might not have come from one event, it might have come from multiple traumas over time and is now an emerging term called complex ptsd. More than ever now, we know that PTSD is real and a whole-body phenomenon. 

 

Just like any population, Sikhs also go through traumatic life events. We’ve talked in depth about intimate partner violence, sexual violence in Gurdwaras and self-help exploitation on this blog in the past. Our population has gone through multiple genocides and prolonged persecution from the beginnings of our religion, which has not ended even now. You might have grandparents traumatized from 47 and parents traumatized from 84. In fact there was a study done that showed a “likelihood of a high prevalence of PTSD and MDD [major depressive disorder’ in women within the Widow Colony” (UCSF). You may encounter friends, siblings, cousins, or partners and children who get ptsd in their lifetimes. As we have immigrated around the world we have also faced racism and have lost some of the tools that have traditionally allowed Sikhs to survive in the past. From my observations, the effects of trauma are quite widespread amongst our community, but have gone unrecognized and labelled as other social problems. For example, Uncle X gets irrationally angry and lashes out at his partner and children out of the blue. Nana Ji is emotionally numb and disconnected. Dhadha Ji tells heroic stories of what he has survived but cannot sleep at night. Your husband has an alcohol addiction. Your wife is really emotional on a whim and she doesn’t know why. Aunty is anxious and protective of her children. They say they love you, but they push you away. They’re too clingy. They works all the time and don’t come home. Are you starting to see people you know? SALDEF (Sikh American Legal Defense and Education Fund) recently did an excellent presentation on intergenerational trauma that gathered psychologists and survivors of 1984 to discuss how this effects our Sikhs community. They focused on British colonization, 1984, 9/11, and farmer protests as examples of traumas that continue to affect Sikhs today. One of the speakers cites the original work on intergenerational trauma done on children of holocaust survivors by Yael Danieli. In her work, Danieli identified patterns of adaptation styles that survivors developed like emotionally volatile, emotionally detached/intolerant of weakness, valuing identity/justice while focusing on success at all costs, and distancing from the experience and its effects. I found these themes to be particularly interesting as I saw her research after I came up with examples above from our community, but they align pretty within these categories. 

 

Healing is possible. “A central belief of trauma-informed practice is that people can recover, and the approach is grounded in hope and the honouring of each individual’s resiliency” (Trauma informed practice guide BC). Some of the methods of healing involve doctors and counselling specific to PTSD (EMDR). These have their role and are important. There is also a role for Sikhi itself to help in our healing. We know from our history that shaheeds from our history weren’t just putting on a brave face but were at such a high spiritual avastha that their mind-body connection existed in such a way that they were able to bear great physical tortures while the mind was in its home, thir ghar. Remember we know that trauma is not defined by the event itself as we mentioned earlier. Most of us are still not yet at that spiritual avastha so a lot of our progress can be made from understanding akath katha and why we came here. Gurbani talks about depression and anxiety as coming from maya (thoughts), and that we can use the gurmantar to move out of maya and into sunn. Some of the methodologies we use in Sikhi are the same as used in western science like breathing/meditation and reshaping our thinking patterns (cognitive behavioural therapy) which are similar to simran (sas-sas, sas-gras, and rom-rom). These are known to activate the parasympathetic nervous system and to help a person move out of a fight-flight-freeze survival state. It also connects us with the universal Oneness and that can help people who struggle with a feeling of disconnection, isolation, and self-blame. Gurbani also educates us about Hukam and gives us a framework to reframe our thoughts about the events that happen to us and finding meaning in our lives in the present moment. Another example is that kirtan addresses an ability to express a variety of emotions through raags which can help us to take all of our various types of energy/emotion and put them somewhere. Post-traumatic growth is about returning feelings of gratitude for life, faith, strength, connection, trust, etc. It is about how we relate to ourselves and other people, our spiritual context, how we see the future and how we appreciate life. Especially when we are in supportive sangat it can give people a feeling that they are not alone and it is very important to promoting growth after trauma. 

 

Supporting a loved one with their trauma is most helpful when done on an individual basis by having a conversation about it, but there are some general principles that can be applied. We need to be aware that re-traumatization can occur when people don’t feel like they have a choice, decisions are made without including them, when they don’t feel seen or heard, when their trust is broken, and when they aren’t safe to express their emotions. At the very least we shouldn’t be going around the world re-traumatizing people. Taking a triggered person and telling them to use the part of their brain to rationalize or “control their emotions” simply isn’t possible because that isn’t the part of their brain that is active – their brain has gone into survival mode. The utmost importance is for us to keep our own mind calm in the face of someone who is distressed. It can be helpful for them to do some breathing or simran, and to help guide the person into the present moment (a method called grounding). 

 

As discussed, experiences of trauma are very common amongst Sikhs and the effects of trauma, especially of intergenerational trauma, are underrecognized in our community. What we do know is that if we don’t recognize trauma and its effects within our family systems and our community, we will be unable to implement new coping mechanisms and change. We cannot solve a problem if we are unwilling to recognize and acknowledge it. A trauma doesn’t have to negatively define a person’s life, through the process of post-traumatic growth a person can find deeper meaning and appreciation in their lives. Gurbani teaches us that when we look inside of ourselves, when we deeply search, we will be able to find our path to merge back home. 

 

Disclaimer: This article does not constitute medical advice. If you or a loved one is experiencing symptoms of trauma or ptsd please seek professional or medical care as this article is meant to just thought provoking and a conversation starter. Mental health resources can be found through a doctor, registered psychologist, crisis line (310-6789 in BC), victim support through victimlink 1-800-563-0808, or emergency room in a crisis. 

 

References

Dr Bessel Van Der Kolk, When the Body Keeps the Score 

https://anesthesia.ucsf.edu/sites/anesthesia.ucsf.edu/files/wysiwyg/Sabhlok_Pathways_0.pdf

https://www.careinnovations.org/wp-content/uploads/Post-Traumatic-Growth-Inventory.pdf

https://positivepsychology.com/post-traumatic-growth/  

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O9Kp51N1tkc SALDEF’s presentation 

https://www.apa.org/monitor/2019/02/legacy-trauma

https://www.tabletmag.com/sections/community/articles/a-traumatic-legacy

https://www.tabletmag.com/sections/community/articles/a-traumatic-legacy

https://www.thebigq.org/2019/05/22/qa-how-is-trauma-passed-on-through-generations/  

https://bccewh.bc.ca/wp-content/uploads/2012/05/2013_TIP-Guide.pdf

Misunderstood

Guru Ji teaches us to move out of tamogun- gossip, slander, jealously, hatred, pride, anger, greed, attachment, etc. and into satogun, then above all of this maya. Gossip is so prevalent even within our Gurdwaras. Instead of hearing Naam our ears listen closely to stories of others and then go on to share them and exchange information. Somehow, we convince ourselves it is necessary to know, that someone else’s bad story will help us learn, when in reality we have grown accustomed to absorbing this information and spewing it out at the first chance we get. How much time do we spend thinking about and talking about other people? Think about attending a wedding party or going to someone’s house. What do you talk about when you get back? The information about what someone was wearing, their body habitus, their relationships, their hair, their schooling, their job, their choices in life, all have nothing to do with our journey here and impede the flow of our mind from being able to go back to its mool. The diversity of the world is a creation of Waheguru. To see it as “other” is to create dualism (dubida, dwait). When it comes to nindiya, we talk about slander, backbiting, repeating things that we didn’t see or weren’t true. Bhai Sahib Ranbir Singh mentioned at a recent katha that it might even be that you think you saw something but it wasn’t true. When we gossip and slander other people we take all the durmat mehl off of them and put it onto ourselves.  Sometimes we do end up needing to repeat our true experiences with others for others to know to protect themselves, we have to distinguish this line of having compassion for others while not allowing ourselves to be run over. 

Misunderstandings are extremely common everywhere. They often result from assumptions, lack of communication, our own doubt, bias, or expectations. I have many times in my life felt misunderstood. We make assumptions about the world all the time and the more people we interact with and the diversity of experiences we see, we challenge that again and again until we see that there are no assumptions at all to be made. We are made to look for patterns, perhaps evolutionarily this aided in our survival. Yet those patterns will have exceptions. When we look through our lens, we will make mistakes and mislabel situations and people. For example you might cut out someone that was actually trying to help you. We have probably all misunderstood others and been misunderstood. In some cases these are small insignificant occurrences, in others they can be life altering or life-ending. I remember whenever there would be a misunderstanding I would try to clear it up right away, to stand up for what the truth is, for my authentic self, even if it took a lot of vulnerability. I would fight aggressively tooth and nail for what’s right because I considered that to be my duty. At some point I recognized that it isn’t always worth it. I shouldn’t have to defend what is Truth. That is Oneness, that is justice, that is aadh sach, jugadh sach, hai bhi such and nanak hosi bhi sach. The Oneness is just there, the truth and reality of our existence, our stories, our realities and who we are is there. If someone is blinded by kaal and unable to recognize it, there is nothing that can be said or done to change that. Only Guru Ji can unveil that for them, to remove their shackles and kaal’s jaal over their eyes and allow them to understand what is true. I remember having a very important conversation at one point that I knew would change my life. I sat down and in my mind I didn’t let go of Gurmantar the entire time. I wondered to whom do I owe an explanation? The One who knows everything has declared this Hukam. Bibi Sukhwinder Kaur often talks in her katha that “shabad di chott marda.” People say all kinds of things, they strike us like daggers, they hit us hard, directly to our ego, then Kaal comes to speak within us and we come back in anger. Instead, this was our test, this was our time to understand when it is time to speak and when is the time to be silent. To remember that the One is always there and we cannot be wounded when we trust in that circle of protection. Again and again in this last year I have been tested and learned this: if someone trusts you, if someone has faith in you, if they see God inside everyone, if they see you, they will ask and clarify. They will not allow a break in brother/sisterhood, friendship, relationship, mentorship etc. over the assumptions that the five implanted into their mind. I lost a mentor from the sangat over this and while I was shaken and disappointed, I recognized that sometimes people just don’t see you for who you are and you can’t change that. There were people who used to throw rocks at Guru Nanak Dev Ji!! Kaal’s Jaal is so strong that people could not see. There are people who will always be suspicious of the worst, always be assuming you dishonest because of their own assumption, rather than resolving or clarifying. I knew I couldn’t change that someone can’t see you so I felt no need to correct assumptions and defend the truth. It’s not like their version of me changes who I am, or the truth. Sometimes people are just unwilling to see and accept reality because it doesn’t match their pattern, what they have experienced and known in their life up until now. Every anomaly to a pattern upsets their understanding of how people function in the world and is unacceptable, so instead of changing the pattern recognition and realizing that not all people that X, behave like Y, they decide that it simply isn’t possible. People weren’t meant to ever be forced into boxes defining who they are, we all have unique DNA, our faces and fingerprints are all unique. We were created all differently. Having a universal love for one another allows us to let go of our own misunderstandings and let go of our duality in how we see others. Sometimes people were a certain way and worked hard to change themselves. It’s unfair to judge when we all have things to be working on. 

 

I remember a time when one of my family member’s behaviour was entirely different than what I knew them to be. In one split second, my thoughts, Kaal, maya, took me to an entirely different train of thought. I wondered if for my whole life I was wrong about who they are... after all what I saw appeared to be true. How could the two truths align. Luckily it was clarified very quickly but it showed me that it is possible for Kaal to show us things that create doubt and suspicion where they don’t exist. It is possible for us to see things that we think are true that aren’t. It is also true for two things that are contradictory to be simultaneously true. 

Misunderstandings don’t bother us as much when we are firmly planted in the Oneness. No one can change the reality and truth from what it is. When we feel offended, who is speaking? Homai rears its ugly head and destroys our peaceful state. The entire game of kaal is so create thoughts, conflicts, separations, and chaos so that we forget our path and don’t win this game.   

Changing Ourselves

Guru Ji taught us that with their guidance people can certainly deeply and profoundly change themselves like Kauda Rakshas and Sajjan Thag. By Guru Ji’s grace I have seen some amazing transformations in people’s lives. Last year during covid, and even early into this year I found myself changing in ways that I didn’t want to. I felt like I lost a lot of my independent flare and edge, even not being able to wear my personal style of clothes to work. I lost a lot of autonomy as we weren’t even allowed to travel outside our regions nonetheless the province. I found myself feeling generally just lost due to a number of reasons. Even Bhai Sahib who came from the states at the recent camp mentioned the vast difference in how covid affected the American and Canadian sangat, and mentioned the sangat was coping much worse here as we had been literally just trapped in our homes or going to workplaces where we faced massive amounts of community-wide grief and trauma. For me, when I got to see sangat in person again, to feel the full experience of connection, it was hugely healing in itself. It restored an immediate sense of direction. It also created a new bliss that I hadn’t experienced before, a new and deeply impactful inner fulfilment. Like Gurbani states over and over, my mind was hungry for Naam. When we meet people who have no ego, who have no desire to have power over us, who treat us with equality, who communicate well, are loyal, and accountable to their actions, who are authentic on the inside and out, we re-ignite our faith in humanity. Instead of conflict, we see people doing simran together, problem-solving, sticking together with determination, we see loyalty, we see compassion for each other, we see patience, and we see communication of what works and what doesn’t, to see shades of understanding rather than an all-or-none response. This is what healthy interactions look like amongst our sangat. There is a recognition that the five are coming inside of us to cause conflicts and we won’t let them, to control our own minds from letting the five win over us. It is just amazing how a plant grows in the right environment- the right amount of moisture, soil, and sunshine. I’ve always known about my ability to change, especially to grow rapidly in environments that feed me, and to starve in environments that are arid deserts of compassion, love, honesty, humility, and patience. When we persist for long periods of time in the arid deserts, it becomes very hard to remember that all we need to do is to change where we are and the rest will follow. It isn’t something fundamentally wrong with us, it is simply that we need something that we aren’t getting from the place we are. Some people, even in the most difficult surroundings, have been able to change with just the support of one member of sangat. 

reference pic: https://www.sikhnet.com/news/cannibal-guru-nanak-history 

First Prakash Divas of Guru Granth Sahib Ji

Tomorrow we are celebrating the Anniversary of the first Parkash Diwas of Sri Guru Granth Sahib Ji. This is when Guru Arjan Dev Ji first installed the Aadh Granth (Adi Granth) at Harmandir Sahib. The following is the history.

From the times of the first to fourth Guru Sahibs, there were Pothi Sahibs (bigger than a Gutka but smaller than a Granth) that were passed on. Guru Amar Das Ji gave his Pothi Sahib to his son Mohan. Guru Arjan Dev Ji sent Bhai Gurdas, then Baba Buddha Ji to retrieve it, but Mohan was in deep meditation. Guru Arjan Dev Ji then travelled to Goindval himself and serenaded Mohan, but he was actually singing to God, the real Mohan. Mohan handed over the pothis. These pothis are now called the Goindval Pothis. Mohri, also the son of Guru Amardas Ji, gave Guru Ji a palanquin to carry the pothis. Guru walked barefoot from Goindwal to Khadur Sahib out of respect to Gurbani. Upon arriving at Amritsar, Guru Ji then compiled all the hymns, including those of enlightened Bhagats into a new holy book, the Adi Granth (pronounced Aadh Granth). There was a group of poets called Bhatts who came to meet Guru Ji while he was writing the Adh Granth. They all wrote the praises of the Guru (the knowledge and light) and then were all liberated and left their bodies. The Adh Granth was installed at Harmandir Sahib (the Golden Temple). Baba Buddha Ji carried Sri Guru Granth Sahib Ji on his head, while Guru Arjan Dev Ji did Chaur Sahib sewa. Baba Buddha Ji made the first Granthi of Harmandir Sahib. The Hukamnama was from Ang 783 “Santa Ke Karaj Aap Khaloya…” (Almighty Himself has stood up to resolve the affairs of the Saints; He has come to complete their tasks, see Ang 783). Guru Ji slept on the floor next to scriptures, to demonstrate respect. It is unknown what happened to this original Bir. 

 

The Parkash Divas is a day to celebrate our Guru. It is a time for us to remember how deep and meaningful our relationship to our Guru Ji is. 

Pictures: shttps://www.facebook.com/DailySikhUpdate/photos/a.451278254932169/1683387925054523/?type=3&theater 

https://www.facebook.com/SikhGurdwaraDc/photos/a.140540292810664/873294089535277/?type=3&theater 

https://www.sikhnet.com/news/gurus-birthday 

Satsangat Kaise Janiye, Jithe Eko Naam Vakhaniye

I used to wonder where the Guru Jis and the shaheed Singhs and Singhniya got their strength to withstand the mental and physical challenges of their times. They sought shelter in the forests, they survived ghallugharas (holocausts) and physical tortures. They didn’t even have the types of shoes that we have to get around nowadays. I would think that they had a special type of intense bravery, combined with protection from God that allowed them to survive such atrocious times. After understanding the game of the mind, we understand that it is about a mind at such a high spiritual avastha it is able to separate out its sukham (non-physical) body from the physical vessel we have been given. We understand that minds that are in their homes (thir ghar) and have their food, their state will be in Anand, that they have won this game, that they see prakash everywhere, that they are not sinking in maya. Thus it isn’t just a matter of us “willing” ourselves to that state. It would be foolish to boast about our bravery, to stick out our chests and start saying we are nirbou, when actually our mind has not made any progress. This would come from a place of homai, and of lack of understanding of why and how this mind came here. When we give, we think we are the givers when actually nothing was ours- we didn’t create this body, we didn’t create this mind or this world. When we do our duty in this world, we think that we are the only one that can do this job, that there is no one else and nothing else that can fulfill our responsibilities when the reality again is that without this physical body, the work will still get done, the world will keep going. My dad said one day, we are the ant that puts up a flag saying the whole world belongs to it... we are but a small speck in the whole universe thinking this belongs to us. True resilience and strength, true bravery and courage doesn’t come from thinking, because thinking is the sukham form of maya. It comes from a mind that has overcome its thoughts and entered into the dasam dwar. We truly have to implement the teachings of our Guru Jis to access the full power of the mind. 

pic from pmkc

I spent years on physical action in childhood-going to the Gurdwara to matha tek, do sewa, kirtan, paath, etc. without understanding how the mind’s avastha can be changed. I felt some sense of emptiness and I searched for fulfillment from reading history and books, listening to kathas and kirtan, and reading Gurbani. When I learned about abhyas, I started implementing simran and what I learned from akath katha. It was at a critical point of needing sangat though, that covid occurred and I was left in desperate thirst and hunger for guidance. Thankfully things have opened up more and this year it was the practical time with sangat that has really integrated a lot of things for me and shown me the true power of Gurbani and simran. It is the boost of personal advice, of meeting people living in this world in a grist marag but also living a life of Anand, it is seeing the Gurbani applications in real life and doing simran as a group that really changes things. Satsangat shows us how to live a loving and compassionate way of life when we are faced in a world full of tamogun. We can grow to understand how to do our duties here and not burn out, empty ourselves, or exhaust ourselves. Being in sangat clears up our doubts, it allows us to clear up blockages and places that we are stuck. Gurbani tells us "Without the sangat, all remain like beasts and animals. They do not know the One who created them; without the Name, all are thieves." Guru Ji gives such high importance to satsangat, that they explain that if we are just here eating, drinking and working, we are living the life of a pashoo. We might be doing great work to help others, but we have not done any khoj within ourselves, and of why this mind came here. We slept through our lives and didn't recognize our mool. Everyone wants to end their suffering. For most of us, we didn't recognize any other way other than finding something in maya. Yet Gurbani tells us the only one way to truly end our suffering is Naam. Gurbani tells us "Without the Name, the mind has no firm support; O Nanak, this hunger never departs" (Ang 939).  

Our parents, siblings, friends, partner, and children all matter significantly in their roles in our lives. I heard many stories from sangat of people saying their family (a child, parent, partner, sibling, etc.) were not supportive and have been hindering them from even meeting sangat, doing simran, going to the Gurdwara, etc. Yet they might be the single member to help their family rise out of tregun maya. We learn what satsangat is from Sukhmani Sahib. Guru Ji tells us the definitions of a sant and brahmgyani, and the benefits of sangat. Satsangat inspires us, guides us right when we are off base, and challenges us to be our absolute best. They treat us with respect and travel with us, helping to alleviate the hindrances on our path and encourage us along. Wherever we go may we be cognizant of our sangat, be safe, and mindful of whether what is told is from Gurbani. Most of the Gurmukhs I have met are living in regular clothes, working jobs, and simultaneously doing their bhagti; their faces glow of love and bliss. When there is rigidity introduced, you start once again focusing on others, judging them, thoughts, etc. rather than inward to yourself and looking at the sargun saroop of Waheguru outward. We should choose sangat who take an interest, who think about how to apply Gurbani to our practical challenges of everyday life scenarios and dig deep within themselves. Gurbani tells us we are very fortunate if we meet satsangat in our lives.  The people closest to us can contribute to sinking us and drowning us in the bhavsagar or can help generations before and after cross the bhavsagar. Gurbani tells us, Satsaangat Kaise Janiye? Jithe Eko Naam Vakhaniye, "How is satsangat to be known? There, the Name of the One Lord is chanted" (Ang 72). 

Practical Living

Since we live a grist jeevan as Sikhs, we end up having to figure out ways to manage the mind while managing other personalities that live with us and interact in our closest circle. I got the opportunity to live with some Gurmukhs for two weeks which was an a really great experience as I learned what day to day living looks like, from waking up in the morning to bedtime. I got to see what it’s like to manage the household, take calls, interact with each other, etc. When we are part of someone’s family we get to point out and see where we might be able to improve and change our own ways of being or things can be done differently.

One of the first things I noticed about the physical space was that there was a calm and peaceful environment conducive to doing simran. They had a very simple way of living, and I really liked the space that they had for sitting and living, because we all ate and sat together on the floor. It created a real sense of togetherness. I’m realizing that crowded spaces and spaces that are too fancy prevent us from togetherness and overstimulate the brain too from being able to find moments of rest and peace. There was no television and interactions on the phone were limited to what was necessary only. I realized how much extra tension and stress is created from our phones, computers, and social media. 

 

The way of talking to each other was one of the most noticeable things to me. There was a lack of anxiety or anxiety-provoking talk in the household and a lot of positive talk and gratitude to God instead. At the camp I also learned a lot about how I talk. When I have conversations now I am more aware about whether I am talking about myself or someone else, whether I am doing my gurmantar, whether I am listening to shabads, whether I am eating, whether I am in rajogun, satogun or tamogun, whether I can change the topic off of tamogun to something outside or change to satogun or end the conversation. I saw the practical applications of all of this by watching Gurmukhs take phone calls, manage meeting other people, invitations, and household conversations. Their talk to other members of the family were with utmost love and respect but also not of moh. There was laughing, joking, and so much joy. While we can cognitively know what the benefits are of living such a jeevan of getting out of tregun maya, it was so beneficial to see it in real life. Somehow perhaps somewhere in my mind I thought this would be restrictive, too strict or disciplined to the point where no one talks and it is serious all the time. I realize now that it is so joyous, easy, blissful, like God does the work and we are just present. The sangat needs food and somehow three pizzas are made. Somehow the plants are watered, the dishes done. Our minds are not excessively drained and fatigued from the day’s work which was a huge contrast to me. I realized how exhausting and difficult our lives are when the mind is not living in its home. It wanders hungry without amrit ras, without honor, acting as a servant to kaal, acting out of accordance to Hukam and receiving punishment in the form of shackles of kaal's jaal, unable to see Waheguru, unable to hear Naam from the mukh of Waheguru, unable to recognize itself as a raja. Here the Gurmukhs are home, their minds are satiated by amrit, they are within Hukam, they have the clothing and protection of Waheguru. I noticed a lack of talking about other people, pleasing others, getting in middle, etc. Instead there were gentle reminders to each other that kaal has created this thought, or gotten us off track, or a redirection. There certainly is a discipline, a doing of paath, simran, katha, kirtan, etc. but also way more flexibility in how that happens and what it looks like then I realized. I’m recognizing a more natural rhythm of being. I learned a lot about how the five come to get me. Guru Ji gives us a rakhiya da chakar if we do the sewa of the mind, by looking at jot prakash, listening to anhad bani and speaking the gurmantar. 

 

Bhai Sahib Ranbir Singh (Edmonton) talked in katha the other day about how many of us think all we have to do is live a good life and do things for other people. We focus on sewa of others, we have projects we want to do to benefit others. Yet Gurbani tells us that this alone is not what’s needed to avoid the 8.4 million reincarnations; we had a purpose that was about our own mind’s journey. Doing good work doesn’t avoid the need that we have to finish what this mind came for, and return again and again until it finds out what it needs to do to go home. When we care about other people we wish so much that they find their way and benefit from akath katha as well. We attempt to share the applications of Gurbani and simran to our daily lives as Sikhs, things that we didn’t know or see before, so they can advance as well. We see all as the sargun saroop for God and wish them success in this lifetime and we go around spreading what we learn. Sometimes though it isn’t someone’s time and we cannot be attached to whether they benefit or don't. You may be long gone from someone’s life before they realize what you shared had some significance. I know this has been true for me, and I think back to what I learned from people I once knew and can no longer thank. I know now my weakness is spending time worrying about other people when I should be focused on my own house. One of the Gurmukhs at the camp reminded us- your house is on fire, you imminently need to address this. People who are meant to get Naam will find their way on this path, and God has many ways of bringing them in. Compassion to the sargun saroop of Waheguru is so important, sewa is so important but also simultaneously we must do our inner work to truly start our journey. Our compassion and love and ability to give is extremely limited without this. If we take our mind on its inner journey, our sewa will then come from a different, even larger pool of love and compassion than what we can provide now. 

I am so forever thankful to have had the opportunity to live with Gurmukhs for a while and learn a different way of living. 

Mr. Singh

I did a freehand drawing of a random photo of a Singh I found online and learned a lot. For one, I realized that cold press watercolor paper was not a good paper for drawing. It is extremely textured and was very hard to color with pencil crayon. In some places, I liked the texture, for example the shawl, in other places it was very hard to manage (ex. the skin). I learned about colors- I felt the drawing was more realistic before I added the background and his chola. I decided that I didn't want to make it exactly, I wanted the photo to just be a reference. I wanted to make his chola yellow but it was very difficult to add different shadows to shades of yellow where there would be wrinkles. The other piece was the background, I had originally planned blurs of different colors but because of the rough texture of the paper it was too hard to execute so I ended up doing one color which turned out quite bright. Overall it was really enjoyable to do so that's all that matters. I think its always interesting to try out different things! 

(photo from National geographic https://www.pinterest.ca/pin/495466396487639996/) 

Blossoming

As the country and the world reopens, we are going to experience more uncertainty about the sudden amount of choice we have. We have been restricted severely for over a year now, in who we see and what we do. We are never going to go back to a pre-covid world because we have undergone a permanent change… this is the nature of people’s lives after natural disasters as well. It looks like the plan is to reopen travel to fully vaccinated travellers very quickly, as Canadians are told we’ll likely be able to go to the US by July without having to quarantine. 

Depending on the spread of the Delta/Indian variant maybe we will have another lockdown by the fall, I know many other countries are still struggling with the fight to manage the spread and vaccinate their citizens. I know it will be a period of high anxiety for many. They are grief-stricken by the loss of loved ones and what they have seen. The threat of a deadly virus lingers in the air. It almost feels like every time we get a little bit of a taste of freedom, it evaporates quickly into another set of restrictions and dangers. 

Kaur in pencil crayon

I am excited to travel out of the country, to explore the beauty of Waheguru’s creations, be outside, enjoy kirtan programs and expand my mind by meeting new people. Making just one deep connection can be more valuable than hundreds of superficial ones. It is interesting to be starting to plan out flights and accommodations to places I’ve never gone, to communities I’ve never known, neighbourhoods never touched. I’m thrilled for hugs, for physically getting to feel the vibes of people which is impossible on video and the phone. I’m anticipating what it will feel like to attend kirtan smagams again, what it will be like to attend a Rainsbhai or Nagar Kirtan, or play kirtan alongside an actual jori player and not the electronic tabla player. To meet like minded people and do projects that help people worldwide, and in Punjab. 

I am equally excited for visiting my mind’s home, its sarovar of Amrit, it’s castle, and celestial music. I’ve been able to declutter and really allow space for inward focus on the things that matter during the last couple of months. I’m not wanting to re-clutter my life with things that I consider to be taking away from my purpose, and wasting away my breaths. There are people I won’t be seeing, places I won’t be going and things I won’t be doing. Hopefully after covid, people will be more understanding and respectful the necessity of quiet and alone time. It’s hard sometimes to tell people you just want to be left alone so you can recharge and reflect. For me recharging can mean long chats with specific people, or it can even be long periods of silence. I have learned probably the most important thing during covid, that I don’t need anyone else to survive, it is certainly icing on top and can very helpful, but it isn’t a necessity. We all own these amazing capabilities to overcome adversity and be resilient. Serious life events happen in a split second. There are many times I would have wanted someone to have my back, or to have someone to chat with for reassurance, or just be there with me for support, yet I’ve realized I am fully capable of having my own back, validating my own feelings, and relying upon my Guru for support. We are never actually alone in the Oneness, because it is interconnected and helps us along. The truth is permanent, no one can change it with their words or manipulations. This mind doesn’t need to rely on an illusionary support structure that simply collapses when you lean on it. Guru Ji tells us all of that is false. We can lean on permanence, we cannot lean on what is false. The path of the mind is one of love, for that which is permanent and not illusionary. 

 

As a sidenote, I was asked about kirtan videos on youtube. I've been busy learning shabads on the rabab in my spare time and haven't had time to film anything in quite a while. I've still got a lot of shabads left to be recorded, hopefully can get back to them sometime soon. It isn't forgotten! 

Sexual Violence In Gurdwaras

This post is about sexual violence in Gurdwaras and it is possible it may be triggering to some readers. I have not gone into details of encounters to avoid this and have left the conversation more generalized.

When you google search Sikh priest/granthi/gyani and sexual abuse or sexual assault there are a lot of results. You can see news articles from Kelowna, Winnipeg, Kitchener, Kent, Derby, Glasgow, Maryland, and more. This is just a tiny representation of the actual number of cases due to the taboo of the topic of sexual violence in our community. We have posted about Intimate Partner Violence in the past, as well as deras, and people guised as “pro-health” speakers and healers taking advantage of others. I wanted to specifically write to address this issue of violence in our Gurdwara Sahibs and from people who are kirtanis or granthis.

I recently saw a talk on Kaur Voices about Sexual abuse in Gurdwaras. This was specifically the case of a 12-year-old girl from Maryland that was sexually abused by a Granthi. Her parents were hosting a Granthi temporarily, who then had the keys to their home and it was long after they realized he had been abusing their daughter during kirtan class. As soon as they found out, they stopped going to the Gurdwara, yet the Granthi continued his duties. The Gurdwara committee continued to cover up for him and blamed their daughter. They filed a police report, and the committee asked them to retract their case. He was subsequently convicted. Even after the conviction he continued to participate in Gurdwara activities and have access to children, forming the Panj Pyare in the Vaisakhi event. The parents are still very raw from these events of 1988. They said no one stood by them. Since they stopped going to the Gurdwara, the committee was free to tell whatever story they wished and rumors started. They were feeling shameful and afraid of ruining their daughter’s reputation by going back to the Gurdwara. It was really brave of them to speak up now. 

All too often the victim is made to feel like they are in jail, and the person of power roams free. The person who was abused loses aspects of a normal life due to the known effects of trauma. Sometimes they are left feeling so much self-blame that they are convinced to “protect” the reputation of their abuser, to not get them in trouble, to keep the secret, etc. This family was betrayed by their community who backed up the abuser and spread rumours about their daughter. They lost their friends, their community, their ability to freely matha tek and visit their Guru, without having to face him roaming freely. This is the nature of the topics of honour and shame in Punjabi/Indian culture, which punishes the person who was abused and their family. It is even more challenging for males to come forward about being abused in the Sikh/Punjabi communities. Silencing victims propagates the opportunity for abusers to continue their activity and inhibits the healing of the person who was abused/assaulted. Often times the sangat can make things even worse. I’ve seen situations where members of the sangat are pressuring women to retract their police cases. Sadly, these are often other women/aunties in the community. In the case of this example, the Gurdwara committee put this Granthi in the position to continue to be able to abuse his power. They acted as participants by continuing to support him. The people in Gurdwara committees sometimes play even more active participants in the abuse that goes on in the Gurdwara. 

It isn’t just children that are vulnerable to abuse in Gurdwaras. Anyone to be the victim of such abuse- doctors, lawyers, police officers are not immune to being abused. People who prey on others know to pick on people who are vulnerable. Especially because the Punjabi/Sikh community are taught to revere people in positions of respect, there can be a great emphasis based on “this person can do no wrong.” Many female adult survivors of Yogi Bhajan’s abuse mentioned that they respected him as a teacher and thought he was testing them, or teaching them something, and they should unquestionably follow him. This was also reinforced into young teenagers. When there is full trust and faith in authority figures, children grow up into young adults, who grow up into adults who are going to be more trusting as well. People are left reconciling how this person they trusted (and often spent a long time building trust with the family or person) suddenly did this to them. Our community dealt with this when we cleaned up our Gurdwaras and freed Nankana Sahib for example, yet now again we are facing this same issue and instead of addressing it, people are either silently observing as part of the sangat or are simply walking away from Gurdwaras and decentralizing into home programs. The corruption in Gurdwara Committees is well known.  People who propagate the violence against others often scare the person into thinking that they shouldn’t share this “secret” for their own good. Sometimes it is a threat, sometimes it is a manipulation. For example women or child victims might be told that they won’t be able to get married if someone finds out about their “past” which was actually a non-consensual abusive relationship perpretrated by someone else. This is further then reinforced by the community as a reason to stay silent. “No one will marry you” or “never talk about this again.” It basically silences the person who experienced this horrid event from being able to talk honestly to a future partner, to have a truthful relationship, from being able to seek counselling and professional help, and to be able to share their story. With vast differences in generations, it also leaves second-generations more vulnerable because what happens is that there is a differing expectation in relationships living in western culture, and what their friends have going on. It can be harder in this environment to recognize what is healthy relationship behaviour or abusive behaviour and makes it easy for someone’s first relationship, marriage, or unwanted encounter to be an abusive one because there is no reference for what’s ok and what’s not. Abusers can figure out what to promise and say to get what they want and then build trust (you're the only one, I'll marry you, promotion of feminist ideals/protecting other women/being the hero, building up their reputation and image so they seem untouchable). Then they become hippocritical but by the time time things start to change, it is hard for an individual to reconcile the image of a person now from who they "know" and trust. The trust and emotional manipulation makes the abused person feel like they are responsible, or at fault, or chose this, reinforced by cultural comments. This leaves people questioning whether they are experiencing abuse, even in the middle of objectively horrible abuse. They wonder whether it's ok or not, rather than trusting their gut instinct and red flags. 

It is VERY hard for people to speak about what happened to them. Many times adults think back to their childhood/teens and only then realize something they knew felt wrong but didn’t have the words to say at the time. This is also true of young men and women in our culture in particular as the language to talk about these issues and to label them, or discuss them is not there. Some people (adults and children) have so much self-blame because of the way that they are manipulated that they have a hard time recognizing the abuse, or putting a label to it until they are removed from the situation, or others point it out. It isn’t just about having courage to speak. It is far deeper than that. Trauma is pre-verbal. Traumatic memories don’t just make up a consistent and easy to tell story, they are stored as sights, feelings, smells, tastes, and little snippets. Dr. Bessel Van Der Kolk talks about this in his book, The Body Keeps the Score. People who are triggered or experiencing flashbacks actually have MRIs that show the area of their brain responsible for putting their thoughts/feelings into words is shut off (page 43), similar to a stroke. He describes “Even years later traumatized people often have enormous difficulty telling other people what has happened to them…. This doesn’t mean that people can’t talk about a tragedy that has befallen them. Sooner or later most survivors, like veterans in chapter 1, come up with what many of them call their ‘cover story’ that offers some explanation for their symptoms and behavior for public consumption. These stories, however, rarely capture the inner truth of the experience. It is enormously difficult to organize one’s traumatic experiences into a coherent account- a narrative with a beginning, middle, and an end” (page 43). I think this is especially true for people who have complex trauma, multiple episodes or events, or childhood trauma. There are often “blanks” in the memory that sometimes fill in unexpectedly years later by a retriggering event, or sometimes can never be retrieved. Dr Van Der Kolk also importantly highlighted that when people are reminded and reexperiencing their brain literally is lighting up as if its actively occurring. There is no difference in the mind whether it happened then or is happening now. A person is not going to be acting with their rational mind or in control of their emotions while re-experiencing because those parts of the brain are off, the brain is simply in survival mode trying to survive the event it thinks is happening to it in the present moment (that actually was in the past), and he points out that sometimes people are not even aware they are re-experiencing. They might just look extra emotional, angry, irrational, etc. 

I’ve read a few articles on preventing abuse in churches, but this can extend to all faith Institutions. I will share the recommendations here, the sources are listed in references. Their first reminder is that all faith institutions are at risk because people who abuse others are of all ages, gender, sexual orientation, religions, etc. They mentioned churches are particularly at risk because they give easy access to children with no background record checks due to informality, because people are very trusting and don’t think those they know would act like this, and because they assume that offenders look a certain way- all these apply to Gurdwaras as well. We don’t usually imagine offenders being Amritdhari. This is an important point that I brought up in my previous post about intimate partner violence. People who sexually assault others are the people you know. The Kaur movement (changed to Singh/Kaur Movement to be more inclusive) has documented cases from all over the world, and many of them are cases of family members, friends, partners- people who were close and knew the individual. Abusers blend in, they do a good job of winning people over, they could have all kinds of “respectable” jobs and positions and use those positions to gain power over people. The articles talked about not to giving any volunteer  work with children unless they’d been associated with the “church” for six months, to screen everyone with reference checks/criminal record checks (remembering 9/10 people who sexually abuse children WON’T have a criminal background), always having at least TWO unrelated adults supervising each space involving children, ensure children are released only to parents/ authorized people, and to train staff to watch for inappropriate/grooming behaviour. The other suggestions were to teach children what is appropriate and what isn’t, and to speak up/that they won’t get in trouble for speaking up. Those words cannot be empty, there must be actually support for victims of abuse, including not blaming them and making sure they are believed. That could include having resources for professional counselling for the person who has gone through the abuse, and their family. They encouraged the faith institution to have a strategy in place for dealing with abuse if it does occur, what steps will they take? These steps could include reporting to child protection services or the police. Getting outside agencies involved and not keeping it a secret is important. The sangat also needs to be aware of the abuser in case their child or others were also at risk or exposed. It could mean making sure that the individual who was abusive is removed from their position and goes into therapy. The articles emphasized that an apology is not enough. It is important for us if we see something suspicious to call it out and say it’s not ok and we see it. Some of the other suggestions were to host lectures on gender, relationships and violence, encourage women in leadership positions, accountability systems, train sangat in sexual assault response, notify other gurdwaras not to re-hire this person in activities related to children, and give the survivor choice in their healing to prevent re-traumatization. 

 

Hopefully this post brings some of these issues to light so we can become more aware and think about our role as sangat, as partners, as parents, and as friends. This behaviour is simply unacceptable, and we should do our very best to ensure to help support people who have been through these abusive situations. It is hard to support people who have gone through trauma sometimes. They might be experiencing unusual reactions to situations, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel and the healing journey involves different things for different survivors. Just being present for the process can be hugely beneficial as people seek help. 

Are you or someone you know affected? If you don't know where to go, a doctor's office can be a good place to start to get some access to resources and someone to advocate for you. If you are in an emergency, that can be a crisis line or emergency room. The police, counsellors, and social workers can be great advocates as well depending on the circumstance. You aren't alone. 

References (some of these are disturbing stories)

The interview is here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lJ6B95-9hXY

https://thekaurmovement.com

https://www.thegospelcoalition.org/article/predators-in-the-pew-protecting-against-child-abuse-in-your-church/

https://www.brotherhoodmutual.com/resources/safety-library/risk-management-articles/children-and-youth/abuse-prevention/prevent-child-sexual-abuse-in-the-church/

https://twitter.com/KaurAbuseNWork

https://sikhri.org/articles/circles-of-influence-circles-of-abuse

https://www.rainn.org/articles/tips-talking-survivors-sexual-assault

https://www.rainn.org/articles/how-can-i-protect-my-child-sexual-assault

https://www.stopitnow.org/ohc-content/sexual-abuse-prevention-faith-communities

https://www.careleader.org/preventing-child-abuse-church/

https://barficulture.tv/people/731

https://kaurlife.org/2020/10/18/confronting-sexual-assault-in-sikh-spaces/

https://www.lamag.com/citythinkblog/yogi-bhajan/