Sikhyourmind posted a very powerful story of a Singh below.
“I was totally blindsided when I was told my marriage was over by my wife. Having just returned from a totally unexpected loss and funeral abroad, I found myself in shock and disbelief. No, there was no compassion or support. I was not given the opportunity to ask any questions. It was over.
As a practicing Sikh and father to young children, I was unable to comprehend the profound feelings of deep loss and shattering of trust, which affected me to my core. I believed the person I was married to was ‘genuine’, but I gradually had to accept and come to terms with the fact that I had experienced ongoing deceit and manipulation. Again, as a man, it was difficult to admit this.
I found myself experiencing a myriad of thoughts and feelings including shame, disbelief, disillusionment and a deep crushing sadness. I had never considered ‘divorce’ to be an option and my moral and ethical perspective as a practising Sikh meant that I simply did not believe in divorce. Although I was aware that many practicing Sikhs had been through divorce, it was something I rejected and I was led to believe that the person I was married to was of the same belief. Clearly, I was wrong.
I was faced with an internal battle and trying to process multiple losses at the time. The things, which once provided security were now meaningless. I lost my children, (so-called) ‘family and friends’, my marriage, my home, material items, which I had worked so hard for and I had to undergo job changes in order to continue to see my children. In addition to this, I was having to prepare for a fierce Court battle due to constantly being denied access to my children. I found myself struggling with all this as well as making sense of how someone could morally demand half of everything when they contributed very little in all aspects including financially. Clearly, I started to understand the discrepancy between our moral and ethical beliefs and values.
I felt a mixture of guilt and shame as I kept telling myself that this is not right for someone who is supposed to be a ‘practicing’ Sikh. I turned to prayer and close family, which provided solace but it didnt address the deep unending feelings of shame.” (end of part 1, start of part 2)
“One day, whilst narrating the depths of my feelings to a close psychologist friend, she spoke of ‘moral injury’. This was new to me, however, the concept deeply resonated. Moral injury refers to ‘the strong cognitive and emotional response that can occur following events that violate a person's moral or ethical code’.
It finally started to make sense. The idea of divorce was outside the realms of my core beliefs. The idea that a spiritual union could be ‘un-done’ just didn't make sense to me. Similarly, I grew up believing marriage takes place once and for the duration of one's lifetime.
It took self-reflection, prayer as well as conversations with trusted friends and family to finally let go of the pain instrinsically linked to my core beliefs. I came to ‘accept’ all forms of union and separation go hand in hand. Gurbaanee tells us:
ਸੰਜੋਗੁ ਵਿਜੋਗੁ ਮੇਰੈ ਪ੍ਰਭਿ ਕੀਏ ॥
Union and separation were created by my God.
Just because we are tied to someone through marriage, it doesn't mean it will last forever. On a deeper level, our ‘connections’ with people are predetermined and based upon karma and therefore, the duration of these connections can be variable and subject to change. I later discovered I'd been ‘replaced’; that too, by someone in the background.
I feel blessed I'm no longer in a marriage categorised by cohesive control, gas lighting and other unpleasant experiences. My faith and core beliefs prevented me from considering divorce. At the time, I ‘accepted’ it was my fate but clearly, God had a different plan.
Indeed, we are reminded clearly in Gurbaanee:
ਨਾਨਕ ਦਇਆਲੁ ਹੋਆ ਤਿਨ ਊਪਰਿ ਜਿਨ ਗੁਰ ਕਾ ਭਾਣਾ ਮੰਨਿਆ ਭਲਾ ॥
O Nanak, the Lord shows Mercy to those who accept the Guru's Will as good.
So, what's next for me? I'm focusing on self-compassion, acceptance and forgiveness in context of Sikhi. Equally, I've met amazing people on my journey and helped support other men going through marriage difficulties. As a man, it's difficult to speak out about emotional pain but this is so necessary to move forward. Divorce is part and parcel of life itself rather than as a defining feature of ‘me’ as a man, practising Sikh etc. Life moves on and so am I...”
It was a very brave thing for him to share his story, but also very impactful for other people to hear and learn from. For most of us our parents have committed lifelong to each other no matter what and it is incredibly difficult to wrap your head around the idea that a partner could just leave without explanation and wanting to put in effort to make it work. He is open about sharing his pain from this experience, but also his search for meaning as he never believed in divorce and his wife didn't leave him a chance for closure, so he had to find it on his own. We can feel the betrayal in his story- of being replaced, of a lack of compassion. We also get a sense of relief of not having to spend his life with someone who was deceitful, and whose core values didn't match his, but the pain of having to fight for custody of his children.
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